Ask Me Help Desk - Somebody please help.. Urgent. My daughter is 15 and she is pregnant.

My daughter is 15 and pregnant. 3 weeks ago she called me to tell me. She lives out of state with her dad due to her not wanting to abide by my rules. She is very manupulative and even if it hurts me to admit it, I realize she is a compulsive lier. I always tried to give her the benefit of the doubt but she has broken every rule. I always wonder when she is telling the truth. Im completely broken- hearted and don't know what to do. I wish I could go more into detail but it would take pages and pages and days. I haven't talked to her since she called me. I mailed her a letter letting her know how sisappointed I was at the choices she makes and how hard things will be for her now that she is pregnant. I mailed her a book on pregnancy. I was waiting to talk to her till I felt ready. Last Friday I started to get this very uneasy feeling and I felt that I need to talk to her. Finding the time is hard because I have 2 other children ages 12 and 6 and I have to be careful what I say in front of them. Her little sister doesn't know that her big sis is pregnant. I finally had a few minutes and called her Sat morning but the answering machine picked up so I left a brief message telling her I wanted to know how she was. I called her again in the evening and no answer. I assumed that she was afraid to talk to me. Today just as I was wondering what was going on with my little girl her dad called me to tell me that he had just called the police because he didn't know where our daughter was for the last 3 days. The only thing he knew from a recorded message was that her 18yr old cousin had picked her up from school Friday. She had argued with her stepmom the day before because she refused to keep her doctors appointment. Her stepmom told her to think about her baby and she got upset and told her it was her business. This is not the only time that she has done this. This has been the longest though. Her dad called everyone he could think of and no one knew where she was. Not ever her boyfriend. The police officer showed up and by this time she had called her boyfriend and they put her on the phone with the officer. She said she was in Olympia Washington. Very far from where she lives and that she didn't know how to get back. The officer almost arrested the boy because he is 19 but he told him that my daughter told him she was 17. The officer asked her and said it was true. The officer said that he couldn't do anything because she didn't break the law and that her dad should go get her. Her dad refused and said that if she found a way to get there then she should find a way back. I can't say that I blame him. She has been giving many chances and she always blows them. Im so worried and so far away. I have 2 others to worry about. Her dad has had it with her and told me that he is not giving her anymore chances. I don't know what to do. I want to bring her back here but we have been through this before when she lived with her dad in early 2009. She constantly complained about him and his wife and I felt bad for her and brought her back in June last year. Not even 3 months went by when she wanted to do what ever she pleased like staying out very late, not coming home after school. I did my darnest to work with her but she told me I was too strict and wanted to keep her in a box. She wanted to go back to live with her dad immediately because anything would be better than to live with me. She has no regards for anyone. I love her very much and I have no peace because no matter what she is my baby.I know that if I bring her back she will continue to want to do her will. I have to think about my other two little ones. They need me too. Im really no sure what the best thing to do is. Any advice please

You really need to talk to her and see what's the real reason to her bad behaviour, she is crying out just in the wrong way

When did the bad behaviour start?

Is she in with a bad crowd?

Does she do drugs?

What I really think is that you are trying very hard as a mother. I went and read some of your other questions about your daughter and you seemed completely overwhelmed by the situation. At some point you don't know what to do except let them make their mistakes. As a teen myself, and almost 20 years old within 5 months, I believe the best thing to do is for you to reach out to her as much as possible. The boy she is dating and gotten pregnant by is not a good influence in her life. Obviously, he has taken advantage of your daughter's innocence. I feel like the key problem is the boyfriend. I wished you should have addressed the issue to both of them and tried to help them. Talk sex before sex happens. In your other blogs, you did confront them about sex because of the age difference and how illegal it is. The thing gets me the most is that he told the police that he didn't know that she was 15? (Most confusing part) This guy should totally reap what he has sown. He should be punished by law. He knew he was doing something wrong. Don't blame the hormones! Your daughter clearly has emotional problems and the best way to do this is to take her to Christian counseling and maybe convince her to put the baby up for adoption. There is no way a 15 year old can raise a child and you would be doing most of the work adding to your load of two other children. Sometimes having to go between two parents can cause the rebellion. I know you are doing your best, but you have to put your foot down. Don't try to be her friend when she makes mistakes, be her mom because that's what she needs most. She may hate you now, but years from now she will come to you for advice.

Is your daughter back home yet? It sounds to me that charges need to be brought against this young man that got her pregnant. He is obviously a bad influence. I worry about the safety of your daughter and her unborn child.

I too wondered if she was using drugs. I know it is very common for ladies to skip their prenatal exams because they are getting urine and blood tests and afraid of having them come up positive.

I sure hope she gets back safely and I think the best thing for her right now is to be under your roof where you can keep a close watch on her. I know her dad sounds like he is trying but she needs you now more than ever it seems.

I am so glad to hear it. This is a tough situation. The best thing to do is take it a day at a time. (((Hugs)))

Quote:

Originally Posted by lea_09

What I really think is that you are trying very hard as a mother. I went and read some of your other questions about your daughter and you seemed completely overwhelmed by the situation. At some point you don't know what to do except let them make their mistakes. As a teen myself, and almost 20 years old within 5 months, I believe the best thing to do is for you to reach out to her as much as possible. The boy she is dating and gotten pregnant by is not a good influence in her life. Obviously, he has taken advantage of your daughter's innocence. I feel like the key problem is the boyfriend. I wished you should have addressed the issue to both of them and tried to help them. Talk sex before sex happens. In your other blogs, you did confront them about sex because of the age difference and how illegal it is. The thing gets me the most is that he told the police that he didn't know that she was 15?! (Most confusing part) This guy should totally reap what he has sown. He should be punished by law. He knew he was doing something wrong. Don't blame the hormones! Your daughter clearly has emotional problems and the best way to do this is to take her to Christian counseling and maybe convince her to put the baby up for adoption. There is no way a 15 year old can raise a child and you would be doing most of the work adding to your load of two other children. Sometimes having to go between two parents can cause the rebellion. I know you are doing your best, but you have to put your foot down. Don't try to be her friend when she makes mistakes, be her mom because that's what she needs most. She may hate you now, but years from now she will come to you for advice.

I disagree with the comment there is no way a 15 year old can raise a child. I had my daughter when I was 15 ands I did raise her. I finished high school and got a part time job while my now husband worked full time. We lived with his parents and supported ourselves... I bought my first house when I graduated high school and my daughter is now 15 and I have 2 other children. A better comment would have been this particular child is not ready to raise a baby. I am in no way saying it is OK to have a baby at 15 but I did it and made a great life for myself and my children.

As much as I'd love to tell you to give her tough love, she is no longer the only person that you should be worrying about.

She is carrying your grandchild. At 15, she probably can't work, can't raise money to support herself, can't go to school and hold down a job (even if she was to get one), can't do the things that need to be done to care for a baby, and frankly, probably doesn't care about what the baby needs.

I am going to recommend that you make arrangements for her to live with someone - whether it is her dad, yourself, your parents, his parents, an aunt/uncle, someone that is willing to bear the burden of an immature child raising a child. This is going to be tough... on all of you... but it has to be done. There is a helpless baby in the picture.

Your other children are going to find out one way or another. I would rather that they found out from you when you could explain what happened, explain that this isn't going to stop you loving your daughter, but that things may be getting hard over the next 9 months to a year. Your 12 year old is old enough to pick up on things... you need to be the example of tough but graceful love. She needs to see that it has hurt you, that it tears you up, and that it is wrong to get pregnant at 15... she needs to see this. As hard as you try, she is going to look up to her big sister. That's what little sisters do.

I wish you the best of luck. Bite the bullet and make arrangements for her to live with someone... and have that someone set down the law.

Quote:

Originally Posted by HistorianChick

As much as I'd love to tell you to give her tough love, she is no longer the only person that you should be worrying about.

She is carrying your grandchild. At 15, she probably can't work, can't raise money to support herself, can't go to school and hold down a job (even if she was to get one), can't do the things that need to be done to care for a baby, and frankly, probably doesn't care about what the baby needs.

I am going to recommend that you make arrangements for her to live with someone - whether it is her dad, yourself, your parents, his parents, an aunt/uncle, someone that is willing to bear the burden of an immature child raising a child. This is going to be tough... on all of you.... but it has to be done. There is a helpless baby in the picture.

Your other children are going to find out one way or another. I would rather that they found out from you when you could explain what happened, explain that this isn't going to stop you loving your daughter, but that things may be getting hard over the next 9 months to a year. Your 12 year old is old enough to pick up on things... you need to be the example of tough but graceful love. She needs to see that it has hurt you, that it tears you up, and that it is wrong to get pregnant at 15... she needs to see this. As hard as you try, she is going to look up to her big sister. That's what little sisters do.

I wish you the best of luck. Bite the bullet and make arrangements for her to live with someone... and have that someone set down the law.

Just so you stay informed. The Op had already said this.

(quote) miamor10192007 agrees : Thank 4 your advice. Im bringing her back with me next week. She had a miscarriage & I truly believe things happen for a reason. This experince may help her realize how hard life is and how making a bad choice can change your life. (end quote)