Ask Me Help Desk - Boyfriend wants space?

My boyfriend of 13 months has asked me for space and time. About a month ago, he came home (we lived together) and told me we needed to talk. He is going through a lot of changes in his life right now, and he said he needed time and space to figure things out. He said he had no desire to be in a relationship right now, because he wanted to be selfish and think only of himself, and have no one else to worry about. He wants to be free to go out with his friends and work on his car. I was so hurt by all of this.

For the past month, I have been stumbling around, trying to find my rhythm. My (ex) boyfriend is still a big part of my life, even though I moved out. We are trying to be "friends." He tells me that he still loves me, is still in love with me, and doesn't want me to be out of his life. He tells me he thinks we have a future together, but right now he just needs space. He swears up and down that he is not cheating on me, and is not interested in any other girls. I am completely lost right now. I trust him as much as I can at this point... after having my trust broken many times. I love him and I want to be in a relationship with the old him again.

I think what I need to do is cut him out of my life entirely. But how can I do that? Sometimes my body physically hurts from not being touched by him, and my emotions are a wreck. I can be strong for a day or so, but then I break down and end up calling him or going over there to receive comfort from him. I know he is getting sick of it... that he is slowly losing respect for me.

I am scared that if I do cut him out of my life, he won't ever come back. My friends say that is the point, to find that out, and I know ultimately it is. I am afraid at some point he is going to regret this break-up, and I will have lost my respect for him or my ability to trust him. I've always thought of myself as a fairly secure, self-confident person, and I am ashamed of the weaknesses this has brought out in me. I just cringe to think of not having him in my life, because he made me so happy before.

I have no idea why people do this, my (ex) girlfriend is actually doing the samething to me almost word for word. I have to say though if its meant to be, it will be. Being a guy myself my adivse is to get into cars and be the coolest chick in his life, work on yourself and make him want you back bacause of how awsome you are as a person. Keep your cool and I think you might have a chance. Keep us updated. Wish I could be more help, Good luck to you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by 91s10blazer

I have no idea why people do this, my (ex) girlfriend is actually doing the samething to me almost word for word. I have to say though if its ment to be, it will be. being a guy myself my adivse is to get into cars and be the coolest chick in his life, work on yourself and make him want you back bacause of how awsome you are as a person. Keep your cool and I think you might have a chance. Keep us updated. Wish I could be more help, Good luck to you.

Thank you for such a kind response. When I fantasize about how I want this to work out, that is exactly what I want to do. I want to be calm and mature, and move on and be okay with that. My problem, though, is that I still, deep down, think things will work out.. I am still in "girlfriend" mode, worried about his feelings. When I think about the future, either long or short term, he's a part of it. Sometimes I feel like my brain is working against me, making me think thoughts I shouldn't be allowing myself to think. Thanks again, though.

Your focus should not be getting someone who wants to be selfish back into your life.

Your focus should be becoming stronger on your own and finding someone who respects you enough to not be completely selfish!

People do stupid things, make him realize how stupid he is being. Little black dress time if you know what I mean.

Quote:

Originally Posted by CarrotTalker

Your focus should not be getting someone who wants to be selfish back into your life.

Your focus should be becoming stronger on your own and finding someone who respects you enough to not be completely selfish!

Thanks for your response. After having had a month to think about our relationship, those are the types of thoughts I have more and more. Sometimes I get very angry, because he is really very selfish and immature. He's wasn't this way when I met him, but obviously he has changed. He is getting the best of both worlds right now. He can be single and free, but when he does want me, he knows I will come right over and comfort him or spend time with him. But I don't get the same courtesy. It's just so hard for me to reconcile this new guy with the sweet, caring, attentive guy I dated. I know he's in there somewhere.

Quote:

Originally Posted by jlc121419

Thanks for your response. After having had a month to think about our relationship, those are the types of thoughts I have more and more. Sometimes I get very angry, because he is really very selfish and immature. He's wasn't this way when I met him, but obviously he has changed. He is getting the best of both worlds right now. He can be single and free, but when he does want me, he knows I will come right over and comfort him or spend time with him. But I don't get the same courtesy. It's just so hard for me to reconcile this new guy with the sweet, caring, attentive guy I dated. I know he's in there somewhere.

I am in the same situation, except its my ex-girlfriend playing the selfish card and leaving me.

For me, there were several red flags throughout the relationship that I kind of ignored at the time, but really started to show her selfish ways. One thing I have heard commonly said, is some people are on their best behavior (almost like a front) for the first few months of the relationship.

Someone with selfish tendencies sounds like a bad long-term fit for a person like you. If he wants to be selfish now, just imagine him when you have a kid in the picture, mortgage on the house and who knows what other challenges. It's best to find this out now than down the road.

Accept the old guy has disappeared forever, and been replaced by this piece of sh1t. Then move beyond that.

Haha, people are pulling these tricks up and down the country.

Im am also in this 'trap'

When reading somebody else's post, it really hits home.

These people want to be 'single', but still remain in your life. Have their cake and eat it. Some of us are weak and so allow them to play us just how they want.

Even if the partner in question has never shown selfish tendencies before, this act in itself is very selfish.

Ive noticed one common ground in all of these posts.

The partner who wants out always says the line 'I don't want anybody else, I just want to be single'

Can anybody elaborate on what this means?

From what I gather it seems to mean, I consider myself single so if I was presented an opportunity, I may take it if I wish.

We should all group together, buy a big boat, tape all our ex's together, throw them on the boat and sail it out to sea!

Quote:

Originally Posted by sunsandmoons

Haha, people are pulling these tricks up and down the country.

Im am also in this 'trap'

When reading somebody elses post, it really hits home.

These people want to be 'single', but still remain in your life. Have their cake and eat it. Some of us are weak and so allow them to play us just how they want.

Even if the partner in question has never shown selfish tendencies before, this act in itself is very selfish.

Ive noticed one common ground in all of these posts.

The partner who wants out always says the line 'I dont want anybody else, I just want to be single'

Can anybody elaborate on what this means?

From what I gather it seems to mean, I consider myself single so if I was presented an opportunity, I may take it if I wish.

We should all group together, buy a big boat, tape all our ex's together, throw them on the boat and sail it out to sea!

Yes, I agree. I've been reading other posts, and see a lot of similar things being said.
I told him that I was going to come pick up the rest of my stuff tomorrow, and he said we could talk. I would like to tell him that I am moving on. That was my plan all day. But now as the day winds down, I find myself hoping to come up with another plan... one in which maybe we come up with a new agreement that I can better handle. It's really quite pathetic. Hopefully I can be strong when I really need to be, tomorrow when we are having the talk, but if I can't even do it now, who knows. :(

Well this guy has it made for himself. He has someone to be there for him, to love him, to care about him, to do anything for him. But not call her his girlfriend, he's still single. This is NOT fair to you. You're a diamond and you only deserve a guy who will treat you like that. You deserve the best, so go and find the best. This guy is taking advantage of you. Not fair AT ALL.

There's no agreement. You want him. He wants to be single.

Let him be single.

Remember that this deal isn't fair to you. He's just being a selfish wuss that doesn't really want to dump you in case he gets lonely.

Screw that. You deserve better.

Go NC.

As I sit here reading all these sort of posts desperately seeking answers I often wonder what the outcome is?
Does the initial person asking for help still read this? If you do, please let me know how your life turned out? I'm hoping you got your Happy Ever After?

Jo.