Today I had a serious talk with my boyfriend of 3 years... I am still in love with him, but have decided to lay down my feelings to him... We took a walk on the beach to talk about what's been up with us in regards to marriage and kids and moving along towards that path. About 6-7 months ago, we were so happy and seeking out wedding venues... 4 months ago with the help of his mom he made a purchase on a house. Since then, he changed a lot has started to feel as though he's trapped like a prisoner in his own house. It was a lofty purchase to make on a one salary income. I did not want to move in with him because I told him that without a ring I couldn't make a solid commitment. He agreed. But now I have seen his emotional and mental state has taken a turn for the worst. He has always batted with social anxiety issues, and now with all the pressures he faces day to day nothing seems to help. He promised me that he booked an appointment to see a therapist. He is also an NYPD police officer and that only just exacerbates his anxiety condition even more. He's not happy with himself and battles day to day just to survive and make himself appear happy when he's actually not. I know that I haven't helped much with supporting his condition much by trying to understand everything that he's been feeling, but I never thought that the day would come where I needed to ask him if he was ever going to marry me. The response I got was "I hope so". I told him that that wasn't the response I was looking for and that he owed it to me to give me a yes or no esp after 3 years of being with me. All this just transpired today, so I told him that I would take him home to contemplate his thoughts. Do I wait and see if he wants to still be with me or do I officially cut my ties? Awaiting a response.

Wow, being a police officer in NY would be stressful to anyone. I think first maybe he over extended himself maybe by purchasing this house. But I do think you need to lay the cards on the table, on where you stand. If you talked about wedding plans and now all of a sudden he's turning the opposite way, sounds like the relationship isn't heading in the right direction. You not being supportive of him, isn't helping the situation. His job is stressful enough. I know because my son is also one. But, I clearly think its not right for him because he has stress to make it harder on you. My son manages that being a police officer, married with a brand new baby. So it can work. I would be honest with him and have a talk, and see what his response is. Seeking therapy is good. Good luck.

I think you've done the right thing in laying your feelings and desires on the line. After all, that's what people in serious relationships are supposed to do - communicate. The balls in his court now.

If he's been wonderful in other ways and you know that he loves you, then I would give him some time to think about things.

He's got a lot on his mind with his job, the house, etc. so don't give up on him just yet.

This guy's battling with money worries,a social anxiety disorder and could well be depressed.

You say you haven't been very supportive and now you are pressing him for a definete answer instead of cutting him some slack and see how his therapy works out.

In my opinion,you should rethink being with someone if you contemplate folding at the first hurdle.

I think you wait, and see, and hope the therapy helps.

The guy has made a life changing decision and bought a home that may have been a bit much. Give him some time.
You will have more hurdles even after you get to the alter, don't bail on the first one. Unless this has been a pattern for your relationship, him getting edgy when there is a comment discussion, give him some time.

Here's my point of view and you can take it for what its worth.

My ex was ALWAYS talking about marriage. Just because I didn't bring it up she would get upset and didn't think I wanted it. I had actually made plans to propose to her because I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. When the time was right I was going to do it. I really was committed. Sure I had issues and so did she but that's what its all about.

I say you give this guy some time. And I don't mean a week or two I mean really give him time. You told him how you feel now take a step back. Look really deep. Does he love you? If you feel he truly does, give him time and just be there for him.

One of the reasons my ex gave me after the breakup was that I didn't ask her to marry me. If she bailed at that first "hurdle" then she wasn't worth it. If this man is really worth it you will give him the time he needs and let him sort things out. He will ask you when he is ready, trust me.

These two are adults, they have been together for three years. If you don't know if you want to marry after three years, there is something wrong.
My point is this, she should not have to guess and he should not assume. They should be communicating and obviously they are not. Women like to know what's up.
I think she should give him sometime. The decision to marry has been made, he has bought a home. Give him time, but I'm talking months not years.

So it's the day after where I stand talk and NO CALL, NO TEXT and NO EMAIL... I held myself up surprisingly well at work... but as soon as I got home, I just started to cry like a little baby... Thank God, I have got my doggies and parents for support. I will have to admit, I took the car out for a stroll to think and think... I even drove passed his house twice (what am I thinking?). I think its because I got used to our nightly 1 hour long talks over the phone... I can't believe its been like ONLY 1 day and I feel a little lonely not hearing his voice... I miss him... but will give him space he needs... I know in my heart I have made the right decision to let him know my feelings... but I don't want to hope too much... I know it sounds totally cliché but I want him to come and FIGHT FOR ME like they fought for Helen of Troy..

Let him then.

BTW, before the house thing, how was it? The 3 years? Peachy?

Sounds like communication.

In essence, your relationship should transcend jobs or houses.

But talking honestly is the key. You sound like an "innocent" bystander while making demands.

Hes got to fix his anxiety. Maybe you are part of the pressure.

Ask.

Well... things were just fine let's put it this way I was content. I wasn't looking for anything specific, just someone who I can connect with on all sorts of levels. Mentally, physically, emotionally and just an all around nice guy... but I knew that there was something wrong into our 6 months, but like most people didn't want to realize it. Like his anxiety issues... For Ex: constant biting of his fingernails; fidgety due to (ADD); no social network of any friends so I happily introduced him to my friends; constantly feeling the need to being doing something. I would ask him a question, and sometimes it would take him 15 seconds to process, and then would have to ask again.. fearful of taking risks. But he overcompensated for his lack of social skills for an education. A Masters degree and was even thinking Law exam to see if he could score great to go to Law School. Prior to meeting him though, he had been involved in a 8 year relationship his first and only, where he was engaged to be married, but that didn't last due to the pressures he "quote" he felt from his ex g/f you know, marriage, buying a house etc... (At that point I had met him about a year after his break up). And yes, still in a very fragile stage in his life. We met online... He was living at home with his parents at age 28. We met and hit it off, just great conversation and fun first date.. we had a couple more dates and noticed that he wasn't taking charge in wanting to pursue me, thought about maybe being his shyness? But after, I a month I had made the first move.. and a comfortability emerged long after... I can honestly say, that with all that, I wasn't seeing any red flags because he stayed true to me and only me. Whatever I needed he was there for me and vice versa... We hardly ever had a major fight, perhaps a few disagreements, but nothing that we couldn't talk about... Now, after the purchase of his home and everything else that has resurfaced from his past, he told me that he feels like a "loser". He said, he didn't know why he feels SO stuck and can't move forward... He said that knowing he has these issues, he wants to know with therapy if he will ever be able to make positive changes within himself before he can make a commitment. I know that he never asked to be this way, but I was willing to stand by him no matter what when he was going through this. But since our talk yesterday, I know I placed the unwanted pressure on him to make a total commitment to me. But have to also ask if he doesn't want to get better or if he can't and we get back together would this be a prelude into my future..?

In other words you were trying to make him over! You said you saw things 6 months into it.
He is who he is, so you need to decide if you want him or who you can try and make him.

It already is a prelude.

You saw that coming 6 months in to the relationship. You chose to stay and try and fix him. That was your first mistake.
You can't make a person over.