Dear all,
I'm a indian married women.When I was 12yrs old.a guy from my school(who was senior to me) approched me for friendship.I was very studies that time and I was from a conservative family.and the worst thing is that I am a coward person.I don't have courage to do anything.I refuse that guys friendship.But after some years he again asked me.That time I was staying far from my parents for studies. I dono how or why but I accept to become his penfriend.We wrote so many letters(on normal or study related topics) to each other for 4 years.After some years when I went some other city for a job.He proposed me for marriage but I refuges again becoz I was not able to understand that whether I was in love with him or not.After 2years I came back to my hometown for further studies.Where he was already present.Once again after 2-3 years gap he again started calling me.HE use to presserise me to accept his love.He use to give more then 100 blank calls in my parents home.I was so scared of him.I was so coward ,I don't want to hurt my parents .but he was forcing me.Finally after some years he went to some other city for studies.We were in touch with each other through mails.(I want to tell you all I have never meet face to face alone in my entire life).We were only in touch through mails or calls.
Finally when he completed his studies he again proposed me, but then also I didn't have couage to accept his proposal.Finally after trying for 10-12 years, he left me to never come back.After some time I got married with som,e other man.and now I have completed 2 years with my husband.But I am not happy with my married life.Though my husband is good but he don't love me that much or he don't care for me as much, as that guy use to do.
I started missing him.Still also I don't have courage to break my marrige but I have become so much frustrated.I have losses the guy to whom I was the whole world and I am living with a man, to whom I am only wife who is to serve him.
In last 3-4 months I again got in touch with that man through orkut.com(its a friends search engine).HE was shocked to hear me.Toady also I was not able to tell him that how much I miss him.He told me that he is getting married next month.He also said that now I am somebody else wife so he will also treat me like others wife.But he also said that if there is still some feeling fpor him in my heart then he wants my promise that I will marry him in my next birth.
He was the perfect gentelman.I have losses him, becoz I was coward.And now the whole life will be punishment for me.I am dying each day. Help what should I do.
Now I am married.He is getting married.I don't want to spoil her finecee or my husbands life.But day by dayi am becoming mad for him.I dono what to do.PLEASE HELP ME.
Somebody kill me so I get new birth to meet him.help me...

My initial reaction about this first guy, is too much persistence, annoying persistence. I would have got a bit scared of such persistence!
But now it seems like he is giving you a taste of your own medicine in his eyes.

Have you consider marriage counseling with your husband?

No I have not gone to any marriage counseller.I have done ever thing which a good wife is suppose to do.My husband has a big joint family.All the time I have to sacrifice to please his family members.My all freedom, all dreams have gone away.I have become like a maid with no heart.Lots of sacrifices , no happiness, no love.This family has made me sick. I also found that my husband has given me lot of wrong information about him and his family before our marriage. Yes I married him because I never wants to hurt my parents or my family member.But what I got.This horrible sick life. Yes that guys presence was too much annoying but at least he use to love me.May be I was living better life with him.Its true that his overlove was very scaring for me.but now I think that at least he was the only person who loved me so much.I have spended my whole life to please others, to fulfill my parents dreams.But I never get anyone's love.My life is a full waste.I want to die,I am not happy with my present condition.I dono what to do.

Was it an arranged marriage?

Marriage is about pleasing YOUR heart not your familys heart!

But what to do now.I have done arrange marrige to please my parents .and after completing 2years married life, now I have felt the love of that person who was in love with me for 10-12 years.and now he is also getting married, but I know he is also doing compromise.He still loves me, but he can't cheat his fiancée.
My life has become a big punishment to me.I have just tried to make my family or my relatives happy.but I have spoiled my life.
Dono what to do know

I do believe that neither of them is good.. however tradition can have a strong hold in someone's life and you thought you did right by marrying your husband. If he doesn't respect you, separation is a common thing in all societies...

I do know that in some societies boys and girls cannot mix easily together and therefore opportunities to met and know how the other sex behaves etc is difficult and result in a bad marriage.

I would suggest to think about yourself first. Your happiness should not be tied to any one. Furthermore, there is no such a person that has only one opportunity to be loved.. I wonder how old you are though? Do you have children with your husband?

I am too much confused .I am 28 years old married with no children.I am working in a IT field and not depended on anyone.I was born in a conservatitive family, where too much importance is given to family values, others fellings, to religions, social norms.
I dono whether first guy was perfect for me .but I am not happy with my husband also.maybe becoz of this I have devloped felling for that first life.Actually I am very alone.I have sacrifice my life for my parents, who had never loved me becoz I was there 4th girl child.Whole life I have waited for true love.but neither my marriage gave me that happiness nor that man .I am so confuseed.I know no body from my family will like the idea of divorce. No body will support me.every body will treat me like a guilty, if I will break any social rule,divorce is a big thing in middle class family, no one will accept this.I know only one thing that there is no way where I can go.all paths are closed for me.I hate god for giving me such a bad life

Don't hate God for giving you a bad life, he didn't give you a bad life, its society and cultures who put burdens on such issues.

Your love and happiness HAS to come first. In the modern day and age parents have to understand their kids, time is evolving and make them understand how unhappy you are.

I truly believe that u need time for you alone, time to find out about yourself.
Time to start thinking for you.

It is good that you understand why you may have developed feelings for the first guy. You're an educated woman and you do not depend on anyone... you're not happy and your husband doesn't give you the love and respect you need and on top of it lured you with lies. I have seen a number of emancipated and out-spoken indians on women conditions. There should be some kind of associations of women in the same conditions as yours who could provide support.. and forum like this one can also help... but it is imperative for you to get out of this vicious circle because your depressions may have a nefast effect on you entire well-being , performance at work. If you have good friends you could confide in and help you through this situation after you have gained your independence that would be good too. Then you can start to socialize and get to know new people who are worthy of your love and respect

Well put Ballybee...

A women campaign.
Indepedant strong women.

We can make decissions!

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Originally Posted by manishajo

i am too much confused .I am 28 years old married with no children.I am working in a IT field and not depended on anyone.I was born in a conservatitive family, where too much importance is given to family values, others fellings, to religions, social norms.
i dono whether first guy was perfect for me .but i am not happy with my husband also.maybe becoz of this i have devloped felling for that first life.Actually i am very alone.I have sacrifice my life for my parents, who had never loved me becoz i was there 4th girl child.Whole life i have waited for true love.but neither my marriage gave me that happiness nor that man .i am so confuseed.i know no body from my family will like the idea of divorce. no body will support me.every body will treat me like a guilty, if i will break any social rule,divorce is a big thing in middle class family, no one will accept this.i know only one thing that there is no way where i can go.all paths are closed for me.i hate god for giving me such a bad life

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Your story is heartbreaking. It is clear that you are desperately unhappy. You are bearing a great burden of social and cultural conventions and expectations that you have accepted (reluctantly, no doubt), but now find intolerable. It is tempting to tell you to throw off these conventions and be your own person and live life by your own rules, but I don't think it would be responsible to do that because I am from an entirely different culture (USA) and don't really know what the reality of your life would be like if you did. It could be even harder and more lonely than your present situation. Only you can judge that.

As far as your other suitor is concerned, it may be tempting to think that if you had married him your life would have been all wonderful, but that really isn't too likely. Your life with him would have had its own problems. Anyway, you made the choices you made and the only way forward is from the position you are in at present. Whatever you do, the first step is to accept the fact that you got where you are as a result of your own choices. You may regret those choices now, but they were yours, and owning them is the foundation you have to build on to start making better ones. I suggest that you start small. Find ways to cultivate your freedom and self-respect within the bounds of your situation. As your confidence grows, you will be better able to judge what you can do to improve yourself and find more satisfaction in what you do. If you do eventually decide to make a major change, do it deliberately and plan out beforehand how to go about it. Becoming self-sufficient and self-confident is a long and difficult process for anyone, and the circumstances of your life make it especially challenging, but if it's to be done, you have to do it for yourself, and you have to start where you are. I wish you all the best.

Thanks Krs Thanks balleybee for your support and replies, but my problem is that I am born and brought up in a conservative family.My parents always tought me to respect elders, to respect social norms, to do everything to make others happy whether you have to cost it with your happiness.
I have become sick of following rules regulation, role of a good daughter, good wife, good daughter in law. I don't have any time for me, I want some time to do what I lke, I want to live as I wants.I have become tired to please my inlaws, my brother in law, my sis in aw, my husband, my parents.My life is full of formalities.No time for me, myself.
I want to run away from this life.I want to dance, enjoy, I want to go that place where no restictions are.I am earning good salary.I can live alone, but I know my parents, this society will not permit to live alone.
My question is, if I cannt enjoy, if I can't live for myself, if all the time I have to sacrifice, then why to stay in thi hell.
I don't have couarage to fight with this society.I don't have any way to go.I am not ready to compromise so u Don't think I have only one way and that is I should do suicide.
I hate playing politics, I hate playing games with other.I cannt hurt anyone and because of my behaviour I am suffering.
I can't plat tricks or I can't use others like others do so I will never be able to get my rights.I don't have any way to go.Daily while going to my workplace I pray god please do something so I can never go back to home.I am not able to work and even I don't want to do anything in my present condition.I keep on thinking.I am not able to sleep in the night also.

Is this option a possibility :-

Travel - pack your bags and go travelling alone. Time for you!

As I see it, the big advantage you have is that you can earn your own living. If you were financially dependent you would have far fewer options. So first, don't let your desperation destroy your motivation to work. Keep that part of your life going, save all the money you can (in a safe and secret account) and plan your next move. And please, don't "do suicide". This is a crisis of identity you're going through, but you will get through it and come out a stronger and happier person. There's no way to make the kind of changes you are contemplating with out making your family unhappy, so get used to that and get ready for the negative fallout that's bound to come. I know how hard it is to disappoint and (in their eyes) disgrace your family, since I did it myself when I was young. But like you, I was smothering in that environment, and sanity required me to take myself out it. I have never regretted that choice. It has always seemed to me that the hardest stage of any major life change is after you know that a big change is coming and before you can see what form it will take. That's where you are now, and I feel for you.

You call yourself a coward and say you don't have the courage to fight. I don't believe it. Stop saying bad things to yourself about yourself. Say good things to yourself... I am strong, I am creative, I can find a way out, I can be happy, I can love and be loved. In many ways, you have been asleep, and now you are waking up. Don't panic and don't do anything out of desperation. Bide your time, make your plan, and follow it through. You say "i want to go that place where no restictions are." I'm sorry, but there is no such place. Freedom is choosing the restrictions that you are willing to accept, not being free of all restrictions. If you were magically freed of all the restrictions of your present situation, you would be unprepared to live in the new situation. The process of getting free of these constraints is part of the preparation for the freedom you will find later. Don't despair. Persevere.

I guess one thing you must learn to know regardless of the society you live in is "NO"... As I told you I have seen many outspoken indian people, couples that work perfectly and wives with ability to express their opinions... Learn how to say simply "NO" and if it is life threatening.. then leave.. unfortunately, it is not an such an easy thing to pack your bags and get away from your people.. think of great indian women who made it to the highest level of indian society... indira Gandhi and the rest.. come on you can do it!

Dear Krs, balleybee, ordinary guy,
Thanks for your reply.I am much relived after getting reply of my all delimas.
Now I see things little bit clear and I think now I got some courage to come out from my present situation.And you know from last 2-3 days(after your mails) I am able to have a sound sleep.
Thanks a lot

That's great to hear.. keep in touch on your progress

I am so glad you're feeling better. It's a long road ahead of you, but getting past the despair and desperation is half the journey, emotionally at least. Please do keep in touch and let us know how it goes.

I know nothing of your culture, but I do know you are not happy, and being an educated, working woman, you do have the power to control your own life. Your family may not understand but you must make choices based on how you feel and what would be best for you. I can imagine how hard it is to be torn between tradition and your own heart. I can only hope you find your way through this, and find the peace and happiness you so badly crave.

I agree with Tal.
Im not totally aware of your culture and its way of life so I can't really comprehend, but yet I see that you are a unhappy women. You are an adult and in my culture a women has as much right as a man, and I stick to my believe's after all what makes men different to us!
We are all humans with morals.
I do hope that you find the courage within yourself to stand up for yourself. I truly believe if you state your point your parents with understand and hopefully gratify your situation.