Several years ago my husband and I were friends with a couple we met when our children played softball together. We had dinner with them a lot and played cards. My husband and hers coached little league. We were friends about five years and then something happened that tore our friendship apart.

We were (my husband and I) visiting a friend of ours in the hospital about a hundred miles from where we live and were spending the night at a hotel in the city. We went to a nice restaurant that evening and were having a nice time when I looked over at a corner
Table and there was,(I'll call him John) with this woman whom I had never seen before.
I told my husband and he said, "it's probably nothing", don't say anything.

By the way John is the friend who coached little league and married to my friend.
Well I get up after we have finished dinner and after seeing him kissing her hand and I walked over and asked; Where's Jen(not her real name). He nearly passed out and introduced this woman as a Client.

I didn't say any thing to Jen, even when she brought up the fact he was spending a lot of time on the road. We stopped socializing and when we did see them it was very awkward. One morning somebody was ringing our doorbell and beating on the door and it was her. She was crying and screaming at us asking why hadn't we told her about seeing him with the woman.

I triied to explain I didn't want to hurt her and asked her how she knew. She said it had been going on for two years and he was afraid we would say something, so he confessed
She said the most horrible things to us in front of our kids and I asked her to leave. She told me she hated me and she hoped I had to go through what she was going through.

Well they got a divorce but remarried and moved away. This is what makes me angry. Two Sundays ago my husband and I attended a funeral of one of our friends and they were there . Twenty five years have passed and she never apologized. But at the funeral she came up hugged me as if nothing had ever happened.

I tried to spare her feelings and not get drawn into something that might ruin her life. The way she talked to me in front of my husband and children and the language she used I will never forget although I have forgiven her. I was very cool to her, did not return the hug and excused myself, walked away and sat down. We are shocked! We tried to do the right thing and she didn't even say I'm sorry. Was I wrong or should I have told her. This has bothered me ever since I saw them them again.

I don't think you were wrong for not telling her. She probably would not have believed you anyway.I have a friend who told another friend that her husband was cheating on her & she turned on her & acted like she was jealous & trying to ruin their relationship.

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Originally Posted by mickey10

I don't think you were wrong for not telling her. She probably would not have believed you anyways.I have a friend who told another friend that her husband was cheating on her & she turned on her & acted like she was jealous & trying to ruin their relationship.

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That's why among other reasons, I didn't want to see her hurt. Thank you.

I don't think that there's a right or wrong decision. You made a decision because you believe that it was the most appropriate thing to do. In the end, he confessed to his wife. He was honest about his actions, even though it was out of fear that you would tell him.

I believe that this is a case by case situation. There's no general rule that applies to everyone. For me, if I was close to my friend, I would have definitely mentioned it to him or her. If I wasn't really close to that person, I would probably stay out of their business.

We couldn't have predicted how your friend would have reacted because I'm guessing you never had the conversation about "what if I found your husband cheating on you, would you want me to tell you?" For me, I've had that conversation with my close friends and we made it a pack to tell each.

I'm sorry that your situation ended so unfortunately. To help you find peace, it sounds like you weren't as close to this family as you may have thought. Otherwise, you would have mentioned something to her. Furthermore, helping her husband keep the affair a secret would probably have hurt her more. Be glad that you caught him cheating and that he fessed up, so that it's out in the open.

As for your friendship with this family, even if you made up with her, I'm sure her husband would have a difficult time facing you guys as he's the one who is guilty. She also might feel guilty for banging on your door and yelling at your family in front of your children. It's going to be extremely difficult for their family to make amends to your family. You had a great 5 year friendship and maybe that's what you should remember, as oppose to all the drama that occurred afterwards.

Look, in the end it was the husband's responsibility to tell his wife he was cheating, not yours. You may have been the catalyst for that, but it wasn't YOUR fault he was cheating. How could you have known it had been going on for 2 years?

What is most important is that you did what you felt was right at the time.

Her reaction to you not telling her was tempered by her grief and emotion, and the knowledge that he had to tell her because you'd seen him with the other woman. She had to blame someone didn't she? (And you were the bunny that got it.)

It's been 25 years - her hug may well have told you that she's sorry - try to put aside the hurt and forget as well as forgive. What would you have achieved by saying anything?

In the end, you can reassure yourself by thinking that perhaps she was someone that you were better off not having as a friend.

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Originally Posted by Gemini54

Look, in the end it was the husband's responsibility to tell his wife he was cheating, not yours. You may have been the catalyst for that, but it wasn't YOUR fault he was cheating. How could you have known it had been going on for 2 years?

What is most important is that you did what you felt was right at the time.

Her reaction to you not telling her was tempered by her grief and emotion, and the knowledge that he had to tell her because you'd seen him with the other woman. She had to blame someone didn't she? (And you were the bunny that got it.)

It's been 25 years - her hug may well have told you that she's sorry - try to put aside the hurt and forget as well as forgive. What would you have achieved by saying anything?

In the end, you can reassure yourself by thinking that perhaps she was someone that you were better off not having as a friend.

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She didn't have a lot of friends and I guess I felt sorry for her.. I do remember my husband talked to "john" after the restaurant incident, and told him what he was doing was could put his marriage in Jeporady and he asked my husband if we were going to say anything and my husband said; "It's not up to us to say anything and it would be better if the four of us didn't get together socially anymore.

She wasn't a dear friend like my friends from high school who I still see on a regular basis. Thanks.

Oh KitKat been there done that! I've been in that situation a few times now. Two examples, one time best friends boyfriend having an affair with a mutual friend. I stayed quiet. To this day the cheated has never forgiven me for not telling her what was up.

Second situation, my cousins finace tried to have an affair with my boyfirnds sister... in my HOUSE! Well I told my cousin, and she got so mad at me told me I was jelous, told me I was trying to ruin her relationship blah blah blah.
Anyway it's a 'you're damned if you do, damned if you don't situation.

Maybe while you were at the funeral it wasn't on her mind to appologize, not saying that she shouldn't have. But maybe she had other things on her mind. Seeing as you guys both lost one friend already, do you think YOU could be the bigger person and put it behind you? At least long enough to invite her out for coffee and see what she had to say? If no apology is extended at that time, I would cut the loss, after all it's been 25 years.

I can understand how she feels too though, I was the one being cheated on once, and all my friends seemd to have knowen except me. I felt so stupid. She was probably releasing a lot of pent up anger, and you unfortuantly got the brunt of it.

It was totally disrespectful to do what she did in front of your family, but I bet she let her emotions and pride get the best of her.

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Originally Posted by Aurora_Bell

Oh KitKat been there done that! I've been in that situation a few times now. Two examples, one time best friends boyfriend having an affair with a mutual friend. I stayed quiet. To this day the cheated has never forgiven me for not telling her what was up.

Second situation, my cousins finace tried to have an affair with my boyfirnds sister... in my HOUSE! Well I told my cousin, and she got so mad at me told me I was jelous, told me I was trying to ruin her relationship blah blah blah.
Anyways it's a 'you're damned if you do, damned if ya dont' situation.

Maybe while you were at the funeral it wasn't on her mind to appologize, not saying that she shouldn't have. but maybe she had other things on her mind. Seeing as you guys both lost one friend already, do you think YOU could be the bigger person and put it behind you? At least long enough to invite her out for coffee and see what she had to say? If no appology is extended at that time, I would cut the loss, after all it's been 25 years.

I can understand how she feels too though, I was the one being cheated on once, and all my friends seemd to have knowen except me. I felt so stupid. She was probably releasing a lot of pent up anger, and you unfortuantly got the brunt of it.

It was totally disrespectful to do what she did infront of your family, but I bet she let her emotions and pride get the best of her.

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The thing is we were friends, not like my friends I've known forever. I have a group of friends from High School days (many moons ago) and who I still talk too every week even though several of them live indifferent states we get together at least every couple of years. My very best friends we talk almost every night. These are the friends I share my thoughts and troubles with.

I guess Jen was a friend who needed a friend. I think what hurt me the most other than the fact of the confrontation in front of my children was the fact we were put in a situation we felt very uncomfortable being in.
My husband tells me to forget it and since I've forgiven her to get past it.
I had gotten past it, but I don't know what I'm going to do if they want to get together since they decided to move back here. Twenty-five years and I had really not thought a lot about it in nearly twenty years and then there they are. Oh and thanks Aurora_Bell.

Well if I were you I would put on my party shoes, go for dinner, go for coffee, go dancing, what ever she had in mind. Yes definitely awkward situation to begin with. But after all it's been 25 years. If she can not extend an apology, then I would leave it at that, after all it's been 25 years (if you catch my drift). If you are going to forgive her, then you kind of do have to forget it. You can keep it in mind, but you can't keep holding it against her. I bet she was going through so much emotional turm-oil at that time, she doesn't even remember what she said to you. I'm definitely not excusing it, but it sounds like you have known Jen for some time now, and it might be good to have another aliance! I think you should give her the oppurtunity to extend an apology in the right circumstances, but it's up to you if you are willing to let bygones be bygones.

I'm sure either way you will make the best choice for you! :)

Good luck!

I don't understand what there is to forgive. It's been 25 years, her marriage was destroyed and she was more than likely angry and hurt and didn't know what she said. But she came up and hugged you, that to me says it all. She's sorry.

Now I don't think you were wrong for not telling her but you started it by confronting her husband. You put yourself in there business, you may as well have told her after that!
It's been all those years, I say get over it and move on.

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Originally Posted by Aurora_Bell

Well if I were you I would put on my party shoes, go for dinner, go for coffee, go dancing, what ever she had in mind. Yes definitly awkward situation to begin with. But after all it's been 25 years. If she can not extend an appology, then I would leave it at that, after all it's been 25 years (if ya catch my drift). If you are going to forgive her, then you kind of do have to forget it. You can keep it in mind, but you can't keep holding it against her. I bet she was going through so much emotional turm-oil at that time, she doesn't even remember what she said to you. I'm definitly not excusing it, but it sounds like you have known Jen for some time now, and it might be good to have another aliance! I think you should give her the oppurtunity to extend an appology in the right circumstances, but it's up to you if you are willing to let bygones be bygones.

I'm sure either way you will make the best choice for you! :)
Good luck!

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Well I guess I'm going to have to play it by ear and as you say try to be at least civil. I really don't think I have much to worry about as far as socializing goes. In may be I'm just dreading having to keep my mouth shut when I finally see him for the first time in a place where there won't be a crowd. I always felt uncomfortable around him back when we first met them. Thanks Aurora_Bell AGAIN! And call me kity. I swear you give the same advice my sisters do. And what kills me is you're right!:):D

Hahah! :D No problem Kitty, Call me Bella :)

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Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

I don't understand what there is to forgive. It's been 25 years, her marriage was destroyed and she was more than likely angry and hurt and didn't know what she said. But she came up and hugged you, that to me says it all. She's sorry.

Now I don't think you were wrong for not telling her but you started it by confronting her husband. You put yourself in there business, you may as well have told her after that!
It's been all those years, I say get over it and move on.

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You know in hindsight I guess maybe I was hoping I was wrong about him. Thanks for the advice. I didn't want to hurt her.

Well she was hurt even though you did not intend to hurt her.
She came up to you and hugged you.
Life is tto short. What is there to forgive?

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Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

Well she was hurt even though you did not intend to hurt her.
She came up to you and hugged you.
Life is tto short. What is there to forgive?

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I guess if I had been in her shoes I would not have gone to someone's house and used the obscene and horrible language she used in front of my children! They were upset because their friendship with this woman's
Children was totally ruined.

And as I said before I never felt comfortable around the man and still don't think I would. You know how you just get bad vibes ? Life's too short I agree! Thanks again for your imput.:):)

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Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

Life is tto short. What is there to forgive?

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I think the vulgarity of the language that was used in front of her children. I would be upset. I can't say if I would hold a grudge for 25 years or not... I'm only 26 :p , but I would definitely have been upset if someone came to my door swearing at me in front of my daughter.
It's still an awkward situation even after 25 years, Especially since she re married her cheating hubby... can you imagine the dinner conversation?

Sorry just saw that Kitty posted right when I did...

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Originally Posted by Aurora_Bell

I think the vulgarity of the language that was used infront of her children. I would be upset. I can't say if I would hold a grudge for 25 years or not... I'm only 26 :p , but I would definitly have been upset if someone came to my door swearing at me in front of my daughter.
It's still an awkward situation even after 25 years, Especially since she re married her cheating hubby... can you imagine the dinner conversation?

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It would probably go something like this, "So John..whatever happened to old whats her name we met ..you know your client"? Or "Jen how in the world could you have taken this sleaze ball back"? "Would anyone care for more steak"? I guess I feel sorry for her and I will be civil. Thanks Bella. Gosh, you were only a year old when this happened! :cool::cool:

Or can you pass the infidelity? Err I mean the ketchup...

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Originally Posted by Aurora_Bell

Or can you pass the infidelity? Err I mean the ketchup...

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THAT IS SO FUNNY! Knowing me and how I blurt out things... it would be disastrous. I hope it never comes to that! :p:p