Ask Me Help Desk - How do I make my boyfriend desire me more?

Hello, maybe it's because this is my first serious relationship, but I am worried and feel embarraced that my boyfriend did not want us to make love last time. It's the first time that's happening; we've been together for almost a year; he's 28 and I am 22. He tells me he loves me all the time and I love him too. We've had some financial issues recently, we don't live together and so sharing had been difficult recently. That night, we had had a hard day of trying to figure out what's going on in our relationship, why don't we communicate properly and hide our problems (I did because I wanted to be the 'brave girl' who does not complain; I think he also did not want to look weak in my eyes). So later that evening, I turned towards him for love and consolement. I wasn't sure if I was ready either but I wanted to try, thought it might make us feel better. He remained passive so I gave up and asked him if he were tired. He said 'yes' and apologized and I then was supertender all night and morning after although we did not make love. And we still haven't, one week later. And I can't help it but feel bad: do I still attract him? Was I too often there for him before and he's got tired of me? How do I make him desire me again without hurting my pride and morals? I am not good at acting the 'bad girl' or the 'seductive girl'. I want to be myself and I want him to desire me as before...
Thank you for your advice!

Romantic and intimate feelings occur naturally. You can't force it out of someone.

Continue to build a stronger connection and let things flow.

When things feel forced, then it might be time to consider going your separate ways.

Quote:

Originally Posted by desiree8

hello, maybe it's because this is my first serious relationship, but I am worried and feel embarraced that my boyfriend did not want us to make love last time. It's the first time that's happening; we've been together for almost a year; he's 28 and I am 22. He tells me he loves me all the time and I love him too. We've had some financial issues recently, we don't live together and so sharing had been difficult recently.

He's stressed out. Sometimes guys are not in the mood when they are stressed out.

Quote:

Originally Posted by desiree8

That night, we had had a hard day of trying to figure out what's going on in our relationship, why don't we communicate properly and hide our problems (I did because I wanted to be the 'brave girl' who does not complain; I think he also did not want to look weak in my eyes).

Being the brave girl and nag who whines all the time are not the same girl. They are nothing close. Being the brave girl who steps up and calmly says "boyfriend I just want to make you aware of how I'm feeling or what I'm thinking on this situation" is much different then, "it figures you'd be broke, you can't do anything right."

Many people go through finicial issues so it's not like he's alone there and I think you have step up and truly be the brave girl and tell him you realize that and it's cool by you. You can also express to him that if you are going to go through this with him, the only thing you ask for in return is some kind of open communication from him, in which you promise you won't nag him. Then stick to it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by desiree8

So later that evening, I turned towards him for love and consolement. I wasn't sure if I was ready either but I wanted to try, thought it might make us feel better. He remained passive so I gave up and asked him if he were tired. He said 'yes' and apologized and I then was supertender all night and morning after although we did not make love. And we still haven't, one week later. And I can't help it but feel bad: do I still attract him? Was I too often there for him before and he's got tired of me? How do I make him desire me again without hurting my pride and morals? I am not good at acting the 'bad girl' or the 'seductive girl'. I want to be myself and I want him to desire me as before...
Thank you for your advice!

I think you are taking this to mean something against you, when it's something he is dealing with. It sounds like he has other stresses in his life and that has his focus for the moment.

The first thing I would say is stop making this about you and how desirable you are. Maybe it's about him?

Yes, you're new at relationships so remind yourself that there are 2 people in the relationship. He's telling you that he needs space - give it to him.

The second thing I would say is that you can't 'make' anyone do anything. It's only been a week that you haven't had sex - it's nothing to do with your pride, attractiveness or morals unless you make it so.

Back off and give the poor guy some time. There is no greater passion killer than pressure. Desire will return when he's ready.

If you see this as a chance to talk, and see what he is feeling, instead of taking it personally, and only knowing YOUR feelings, then you wouldn't have to worry about getting him to desire you more. Which is silly, when you consider you have no clue about what's on HIS mind.

Its not about you, its about both of you. So talk, and LISTEN, then you can learn, and understand what you have learned.

Good listeners make it easy for people to talk to.

Just because he isn't in the mood doesn't mean that he does not desire you. Contrary to popular belief, men are not up for sex all of the time. There are actually times when they just don't feel like it.

You need to think about this from his perspective, rather than just worrying about if he likes you anymore. That's middle school stuff.
So here's what you do: you think,
"Am I always in the mood?"
"Do I feel that sex is the only way to be close to him?"
"How do I communicate with him in ways other than sex"
"What would I do?"

Quote:

That night, we had had a hard day of trying to figure out what's going on in our relationship, why don't we communicate properly and hide our problems (I did because I wanted to be the 'brave girl' who does not complain; I think he also did not want to look weak in my eyes).

Since you've already communicated about WHY you are hiding your feelings, think about it from another perspective.
Are you communicating the way you want to and going somewhere?
Are you being mature and thoughtful to his feelings as well as your own?
Is he doing the same?

What I want to ask is WHY would you think that expressing your feelings is weak?
It's NORMAL in a relationship to have feelings, complaints, arguments.
The most important thing is HOW you communicate. Be open AND respectful.
You can't possibly have a good-functional relationship if you do not understand one another because you are both with-holding your emotions. This is NOT GOOD for the relationship.

Worry more about communication than sex. If you two can feel comfortable expressing your feelings to one another in a non-agressive or attacking way, THEN you'll both feel better about love-making.

^^Expert advice^^^^^

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

^^Expert advice^^^^^

That wasn't directed at me was it Tal? :D:rolleyes:

Yes, but had to spread the rep!

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

Yes, but had to spread the rep!

WOW! Thanks! :) That really makes me feel good! :)