Oh my goodness, where to start.
Well me and my ex were together for just over a year when he decides that he doesn't want to be with me anymore during a massive row. We had both been under stress and had our own personal (family) issues to deal with and neither of us are hppy with our jobs. I know I hadn't been as attentive as I had been in the past and at this point he wasn't being either. We used to talk about our dreams and our future all the time, but life just seemed to get in the way.
Anyway, after my insercurities coming to the surface, my next door neighbour tried it on with him, and I know nothing happened, but I did go a little OTT about questioning who was contacting his mobile every time it went off, I just couldn't forget it. Since the break up I have been in councilling to sort this out, as I hate being like it anyway. I have even been through hypnosis, I will try anything. I have changed my job, and am feeling so much happier about that, and I have also begun to learn how to drive, something I should have done a long time ago, as well as enrolled on a college course. SO things are looking up for me.
However, I found out a couple of weeks ago that I was pregnant, only to find out a week later that I had lost it, we were both heartbroken as we had been trying up until the break up. Thing is, I was getting used to the idea that we were over until then, when he said that he wanted to try again and that we should take things slowly. Although I was cautious as I did wonder if it was only due to the baby, but even afterwards he was still saying the same. He asked me if he could come and see me (tonight) ina couple of days so we could talk. Of course I said yes. He had been fine up until yesterday when he was a little short with me, so I text him asking if there was really any point in him coming down, did he want to give it another go or not, to which he replied that he didn't think it would work out, and he's sorry. I then called him as I was not expecting it, and had to hear him say the words, not through a text. He said that he didn't want to hurt me again and that he didn't think it was a good idea, but that he still wanted to come and see me. I must admit I am have expecting him to cancel.
He came over about a month ago so we could "talk" and he was so lovely. From the second he came in he couldn't take his eyes off me. I haven't felt that wanted by him for a long while. We didn't get much talking done, and the following morning after he left I felt so horrible. BUt he still text me when he got back to work etc, which was really confusing.
Question is, why would he say that he wants to see me if he has made his mind up about us trying again? I said if he's not totally sure, by all means come down and I don't know if that's why, maybe he's not sure?
We are both the other side of 25 and this is not a stupid crush, we have been through a lot in the last year and I really don't want to just walk away form this without fighting for it. How can I convince him to take the risk, he was ready to a couple of days ago...
Any help would be gratefully received, thanks
(sorry it's so long)

I'm sorry about your troubles,but this guy's sitting on the fence and that leaves you hanging around with the confusion of not knowing whether you're coming or going.

Don't let him keep you waiting around any longer.

Go no contact and continue sorting your own life out,as you are already,through your therapy.

Take care.

Quote:

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He came over about a month ago so we could "talk" and he was so lovely. From the second he came in he couldn't take his eyes off me. I haven't felt that wanted by him for a long while. We didn't get much talking done, and the following morning after he left I felt so horrible.

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Unless there is more talking, and no sex, this is a waste of time. Seems there is no real relationship anyway, beyond a good bump, and grind. Don't be available for that and yes, guys can appreciate sex partners the next day, because we want more sex, less talk.

Thanks for the feedback so far, I know you people are right in what your saying, and the no sex thing is defo in place as far as tonight is concerned, no doubt about that! I am not going to let him keep me hanging anymore, tonight is the night he makes his decision, I just really hope that it's the one I want, but as I keep telling myself, you can't make someone love you if they don't. But on the same hand, you can't love someone and then just stop like that. The more the clock ticks the more nervous I am about seeing him tonight as I know it will be awkward, I have so much to say but I don't know if I can, or how or even if it'll make a difference.
It's just that after we met and he went away with work (navy) for 2 months, he went funny then but then when he came home said that he was wrong and that he didn't think I would be able to wait for him which is why he was funny. But that he couldn't stop thinking about me and that he wanted to be with me for good. He's said pretty much the same this time, although he's not going far away or for very long, but keeps saying that he has to stop himself when he's alone as it's so tempting to call or text me. Am I clinging onto hope here or does that really mean anything? I would like to think it does... anymore advice is more than welcome :0)
And Talaniman, Believe me, if I could have had enough room on the www I would have explained the ins and outs and you would be able to see this really WAS a real relationship, we've just had a lot to deal with in a short amount of time. You are right as far as your other points go though and thank you :0)

I have nothing to add,advicewise, to my previous post.

Let us know how it goes and take good care of yourself.

Tal is right! You may find when there's no sex that there will be no boyfriend coming around. Whatever you do, don't let him keep you hanging on the sidelines as his backup plan... you're better than that.

UPDATE!!
He turned up, which a part of me was surprised about, I had prepared myself for the text message to say he was running later than he thought, or whatever, but he didn't.
It was strained at first, again I wanted to say so much but couldn't as I wasn't sure if he wanted to hear it.
A friend of mine, a very wise friend told me that I had to tell him a few things about me, which I had not only kept from him, but almost everyone in my life, family and friends.
I took this advice, once I felt settled and more comfortable, we talked about the baby and how we had felt and how we feel about losing it. AT which point I showed him the pregnancy tests, I didn't want him to think I had said that for another chance after all. It was the only proof we'd been pregnant after all. He cried, as did I, although I am still blaming my hormones, lol.
We did do a lot of talking and he said that he wasn't sure it would work again but wanted to remain friends. Especially after everything we have been through.
I agreed that I could be his friend, but explained it would be hard to begin with and that if he did start a new relationship, I wasn't sure I could be happy for him right now, which he accepted, and said he wasn't looking for anything or anyone else.
Not that it's any of my business anyway really, but think he said that to make me feel better.
Then came the point when I had to tell him my secret. I was so scared about how he would react, as I don't like it much myself. In a nut shell, since having a nervous breakdown aged 19 due to an episode of abuse(another long story) not being able to sleep, even with the help of very strong sleeping pills, I found the only way for me to sleep was by smoking cannibis. This didn't seem to do any damage, or at least I didn't think it did, but after smoking it every day up until about 3 months before I met my ex, it became an addiction. I thought I was out of it unharmed, but the paranoia I feel can't surely be just that, I am positive that my weed smoking days have added to my problems in this department. I was very honest about the whole thing, and he was very kind. Saying that things made a little more sense now and that he could understand things a little better. That he doesn't think any less of me as I had managed to stop it. I explained that with the help I am getting, it's just something I will have to work on, he agreed.
I did text him after he left to say that being friends, I would like him to keep an open mind as to if we would get back together in the future, I know it's stupid. He said that you never know, but I shouldn't get my hopes up. He wants to spend time together, go on days out and things like that and I can only see that by doing that he will see how I have changed, I can't see how email's etc will show him. He is open to that, which I think could be a good thing.
I asked him about his change of heart, a couple of days before he said we could try again and then he said we couldn't. He told me that he doesn't know if it is a good idea. He still has feelings for me and always will, but right now it's not a good idea. I did tell him I would cling to this hoping one day, and he said that I shouldn't, but could understand. Which is why he doesn't call me or text me when he feels like it as he doesn't want to upset me.
I have to see him tomorrow afternoon as he is coming to collect the rest of his things before he goes back to Wales for 2 weeks leave. Yes I am hoping beyond hope he'll ask me to go with him, but I know it won't happen. I can't help wanting to spend time with him after all. Don't panic, I won't be suggesting it either. I know I would feel better if I didn't have to see him tomorrow, it's too much, but we need to get it done, and who am I kidding, of course I do want to see him, I just want him to change his mind!
It is my birthday next weekend, and I had hoped we would spend it together, but that is obviously not going to happen. I have friends coming over instead now, but I know I will be wishing he was here instead.
Can anyone give me some advice as to how to tackle tomorrow? I didn't sleep with him the other night, but we did after an extended hug share a kiss before he left, as a goodbye thing. It felt so sensual. I really can't accept that he is wanting to walk away from this yet. I get the feeling from what he has said that he is just scared about having a relationship as things moved far too quickly between us and I really think that after his past experience, it's safer not to. Any advice would be helpful, please :0)

Do you realise how strong you really are?
You beat an addiction and you have found the strength to deal with the other awful things that have happened to you.
Well done,I truly mean that.

As for friends-I think any attempt at that until you are completely over him,is only going to set you back and bring that bad friend,false hope,around again.

Accept that this relationship isn't happening and focus on your own healing.

Make sure all his stuff is ready to go tomorrow and grin and bear it: unless you can get a friend to handle it for you.

All the best and enjoy your birthday weekend.

Thank you Amicon :0)
I know I am strong, I am just faultering at the moment. Still blaming my hormones, lol.
I know you are right about the friend thing, and I did tell him that it would be hard for me as I want more than that. He said he doesn't want to loose me completely but he understand where I am coming from. I think it's going to take a long while for me to be completely over him, it's been almost 6 weeks and I still think about him all the time. I am stopping myself from contacting him now though, which has to be a good sign.
I know you are right when you say accept that it's over, it's just sooooo bloody hard!!
All his stuff is packed and waiting by the front door, there is no need for him to even come into the house. Hope that will show him that I accept his decision however of course I want him to have a coffee and chat, but I know it won't be any good for either of us.
Thanks again for all your advice, I hope one day I will be able to come back here and say that it was just one of those things but everything worked out well in the end, and I know it will for me, in time, but wish things could have been different. Hind sight is such a wonderful thing after all :0)
I have written a blog to explain everything, mainly to myself and it has helped to re-read it all, it's not got my name attached so if by any coincidence he stumbled upon it, he won't know it's me.
Going to do the pros and cons list again next week too when I am feeling a little better and who knows, I may even wonder why we were together in the first place. Stranger things have happened :0)
Thanks again, and take care x

I think you are spot on,everything in your latest post makes sense.
Continue thinking with your head,not your heart.

Come back whenever you want to.

I think once his stuff is gone, and you don't have to keep looking at it, and what it represents to you, then you will slowly heal (very hard to do), and start the process of rebuilding your own happiness, without him.