Me and my husband got married before he deployed to Iraq. He has become even more paranoid and distrustful toward me.This has been going on for a long time since September. I don't know whether its OK for my husband to ask me all these questions since he's in Iraq. Such as what did you do today? Being secretive on seeing what I did? Constantly asking if I'm still not going to go to the club and parties? He also judges me based on the music I listen to such as if it talks about ******* another dudes chick and stuff he said that I must be like that if I listen to it.And just today he asked me straight up "You sound so happy,are you ******* around?" I find that so disrespectful and don't know if its OK or not, since he's in Iraq. I feel like its not OK he says he's going to change but it doesn't. I find it extremely disrespectful that he could ask me such a thing just because I was happy. What should I do? Is it OK? Is he paranoid? Does he trust me/ Because he said he does but if he did why would he ask me all these questions. Also he was like this before he left but now its to a higher level.

Hello Lover,

I see where you are coming from...

However, this man is thousands of miles away over seas, fighting a war in Iraq! He doesn't want to be there... He would rather be here at home in his comfort zone with YOU and his family and friends.

So, all you need to do in continue to reassure him that HE is the one that you are thinking of at all time..

Fighting a war will make you paranoid, I am sure! He is very vulnerable right now. So, keep making him feel special, by telling him how proud you are of him apposed to telling him about your clubbing and girlfriends. Make the conversations comfortable for him. I'm not saying don't have a life, and to withhold anything from him. Just gear it more toward him.

Does that make sense?

Enigma, that is really good advice.

I know when my husband was away, I was paranoid and distrustful and my otherwise good natured trusting self let the imagination go into overtime. When he was gone, I was not myself.

Safe to say that with your husband, he is in a war, far away from home, lonely, and stressed (to probably say the least). Worrying and being in a state of stress at the same time, he is naturally going to worry the most about you, as you worry about him. He is just coming from a different perspective I think, and none of us can really understand that unless we've been there.

You haven't given him any reason to doubt your behaviour, and he will see that when he gets home.

Why not try to write letters, and include as much information about your day to day routines as you can, even if its just the same old boring stuff. Make a point of having told him you love him, and you're looking forward to having him home again. This he can read over and over, and tuck under his pillow at night.

Try not to get defensive or angry, let it slide. He'll be fine when he gets home and settled again.

And all of his buddi8es don't talk about their good wife at home, but everyone talks about the wife who got pregnant by the mailman, or the wife who is out running at the clubs, dancing with other men and drinking.

He needs to know that you love him and that you are not cheating on him and that you are not out parting with other guys.

Talk to him, he may be 1000's of miles away, lonely and in Iraq, but that doesn't mean he should be rude or disrespectful.

Let him know that you love him and that you know he's a long way away, but also let him know you find it difficult when he talks to you this way. Tell him that you understand he feels insecure, and that you want to reassure him, but that it's hard when he's accusing you of being with other men.

Let him know that you would be much happier (and he would be too!) if you felt he could trust you - particularly since you've not ever given him reason to think otherwise.

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Originally Posted by lover808

Also he was like this before he left but now its to a higher level.

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I agree that he probably has been hearing horror stories about unfaithful wives and needs some reassurance. However, if he was like this before he left and you have given him absolutely no grounds for his accusations, I don't think you will ever be able to give him enough reassurance to stop the accusations or make him feel less insecure.

I think Gemini is correct in talking to him and be open and honest with him that his insecurity is not good for either one of you.

I think you may need to start thinking about marriage counseling. Depending on just how bad it was before his deployment, I don't see his mindset changing without outside help.