Hi everyone , I have been reading a lot on this board and now the time arrived to ask a serious question since I am starting losing it .I have been in a relationship for 4 years on and off with lots of breakups and get together again and I am kind of exhausted by this pattern .I am 30 years old and my SO is younger than me he is 22. We fought about how we felt in the beginning because I was very concerned abou him being so young and unexpirienced but I went into it anyway and we really shared a lot good moments and bad moments together . M e being the experienced one I was like a constant in his life the only constant he could rely on when having his issues and hard time with his family and his school . All his problems were mine and I fought for him like crazy , yet we had many issues and for a year or more whenever we have a fight he breaks up with me and doesn't want to communicate or to resolve it , he sais he thinks he doesn't love me anymore . Usually 3 weeks pass by , three wees of no contact and he pips up somehow drunk or just calling but he just walks back into my life and stupidly I let him . It happened again on February the 12 th , he came back from a 5 day vacation with his family and because I was not very enthusiastic about his journey he came back to tell me that he realised he no longer loves me and he wants out . I was hurt but I accepted and didn't call him at all .On valentine s day he shows up and knocks on my door kind of drunk and starts to kiss me as fi nothing had happened.I reacted and asked him what was that all about ,he said nothing so I started to cry and told him that I am tired of this behaviour , he said again that he doesn't think he loves me , he is just used to me and he will never show up at my door , it was a mistake , I said that I want him to leave me alone he promissed he would and left . 3 weeks no contact and yesterday I was invited to a mutual friend`s birthday.. I never looked at him , he dran heavily , I left after 2 hours and in 15 minutes after I left he knocked at my door pretending to be very drunk and explained to me how good his single life was and how he is convinced that we are over for good . I played along and told him I thought the same and I am sure now that we don't love each other anymore . He opened a bottle of wine and wanted me to drink with him and afetr drinking some more he admitted still being attracted to me but without any feelings , I said that's OK we will not be together again and he left . Now my question is .is he confused ? Doesn't he know what he is doing ? Or he is playing with me ? I think that I can't take this anymore .

Yes he is playing with you, he is using you as a booty call! When he is drunk and horny he tries to get with u!

You tell him you're not willing to be his bootycall and go no contact.

Too many red flags-multiple breakups.his drinking problem and yes,the age difference.
He has a lot of growing up to do.

Sorry you are hurting,but its time to move on.

He a 22 year old teenage boy,not ready for a serious relationship,and clueless.

Stay out of this one,I don't think he is playing you,just very immature.

Move on,there are plenty of nice decent men out there,take time to recover from this and you will,and when your ready start dating again,make the boundries clear and enjoy dating without getting too serious too soon.

Thanks guys for your replies . I am strong in not contacting him I don't even feel the urge and I develop a great atitude about myself when he is not around , but when he aproches me I can't be rude and all the anger melts away .

No contact,is the best way to go,if he does come around,let him know your not interested and close the door,you can be nice,but firm... however nice but firm,may not always get the message across.

Keep busy,hit the gym or through yourself into work,get out with your friends and make time for family,there's loads out there to keep you busy,and after a while you'll wonder when you see him 'what the hell was I thinking!

Stay clear away from him.He has nothing too offer you. He is way too young. Guys that age, are into getting serious in a relationship. Look for someone more your age. Good luck.

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Originally Posted by arllina

thanks guys for your replies . i am strong in not contacting him i dont even feel the urge and i develop a great atitude about myself when he is not around , but when he aproches me i can't be rude and all the anger melts away .

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Remember the bad stuff he does when you see him, and want better for yourself.

You sound to me like you are mothering him. I suspect there is something lacking, or something you are unaware of that you cannot see it as an inappropriate and unbalanced relationship. Why do you need someone like that in your life.

He still lives at home from what I can gather, is still in high school, still growing up the hard way (with the booze), and has no understanding of what a healthy relationship is with a girl, let alone a 30 year old woman.

While some at age 22 are hard working, mature individuals, clearly this one is not. His age is not so much the barrier, as his lifestyle and level of maturity.

Do you have children? Have you been married? I suspect that regardless of that, at age 30 you have had a lot more life experience than he has. I suspect with how you have described him, he's going nowhere fast, and will probably be very needy for a long time.

More importantly, it might be time to take an inventory of your own life, and find a more mature, stable individual to invest your time and love in.

I am 24 and my fiancé is 36. The 2 years between me and your ex seem to make a world of difference. I do nothing but work and love. If I drink (which is less than two to three times a year) I am responsible about it. You may like having that young lover as my fiancé must but I know you must still have issues with the immaturity. This guy sounds like a friend of mine actually, he drinks every night and every day, he is at every party and get together. Difference is my friend is 28, a hard worker, and is getting engaged to the woman of his dreams who is also 28. Not to pass judgment on anyone but maybe you still need some growing up to do. How is it that you cannot tell a kid to go away for good? He is a kid for pete's sake. And I am not talking about his age here I have no room to talk about age differences.

Thanks for yhe posts , I guess I agree with what you have written above . I am mothering him and maybe that's why he is treating me like this knowing that I ll be available always . I really weant out and I want to teach him a lesson too . Thanks

You sound like you've got a good head on your shoulders, and since you do want out, you HAVE to go total NC. That means - don't talk to him on e-mail, the phone, by text or Facebook. Don't even answer you're door if he knocks. I know it's hard and out of your comfort zone to completely stay away, but it is the only way to get out and be mentally healthy about it.

You got to figure out what you want.

You got into this with a 22 year old, that was good in the beginning, then not. What were you thinking?

Just go NC & chalk this up to a mistake on your part. After all, you're older, you should now better. Hehehe. That was the issue, right?

Now you know. Take some responsibility here. By learning.

It seems he is dating a 16 year old girl now and he tries his best in letting me find out . I had no reaction to it but it kind of bothers me , cause on women`s day he didn't think I deserved a message , yet he took this girl out on a date with flowers which is not really his style . I am very pissed off by I am sticking to no contact , I just feel so rejected and down and I now have my first sleepless night because of this . Please help me with some advice . What do I do if he shows up with her at a birthday we are both invited ? I want to make him feel like the jerk he is

Don't give this jerk the ego boost of knowing your jealous, or that you care at all when ever you see him, especially if she is with him. It's a party, and look to have a great time with fun people.

Yup, he is no longer your problem.
Thank god.

Your 30 & he's dating a 16 year old?
Shows you who's the adult here.

Don't sacrifice fun for the sake of him.

If you want to start REALLY accelerating the healing process, give yourself a good smack by getting with a 22yr old. And why.

Especially this guy.

May shed some light into why you feel like crap.

What is it you want & how you spend your time.

He is a jerk, but really, focusing on how you can make sure that he feels it is wasted energy. And kind of "jerk-ish" too...

Try to find some peace in knowing that he is a messed up jerk, but he doesn't have to be your messed up jerk...

And honestly, I don't blame you... but you chose to date a young man. Who is still a young man. It's a risk you took and while it was fun it was worth it, maybe... this is the other side of it.

Id think no differently if it were a 30 year old male dating a just 20 something female... it doesn't have to be a train wreck, but if it is... most people are not shockingly surprised.

So... please don't scheme about how to make sure he feels as bad as you think he should feel about who he is... you're upset and hurt and that's normal... but feel sad for him and move on.

He is online now , we haven't been talking for two weeks , he knows I found out about his new girlfriend and I assume he wants a reaction which he won't have . Now he puts on a status which drives me mad but I stick to my nc .It says " i live ...you stay ...i am all that you desire , yet you can t have me " does it sound written in purpose for me to see it ? Should I take it personaly ? I am not going to react but I really want to know if I am paranoid . It seems he is putiing it there to make me feel bad that he is well and happy and I just stay...

Well done for keeping your NC!

Do yourself a huge favour and block the so-and-so from whatever social networking sites you are on.

Act as if he doesn't exists anymore.