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Why is it when I meet girls or talk to girls they end up rejecting me... They say at first that I'm attractive.. but after a while they stop calling... why do I find the need to get self-assurance from women.. why do I try to sound lovable, sensitive, understanding? Why Can I not bare rejection from woman? :confused: I am easily hurt and easily disappointed and I constantly need reassurance and unconditional love. When I meet woman I talk for hours... usually about normal stuff.. however they stop calling... why do I feel that I need love from a woman to be happy or go on with my life... I feel life doesn't exist without a woman... what can I do? I'm insecure... I constantly needs a woman's assurance that I'm good looking, attractive, I just feel the need to be valued by woman!! :(

Well, there's two conflicting things here.

First, lifes generally more fun, in my opinion, when you have someone to share it with.

The conflict is that being needy, clingy, etc is a big turn off for most people. Insecurity just isn't particularly attractive, to be brutal about it... it means the other person has to work their a$$ off just to make you feel good about yourself.

And you are acting more like a girlfriend than a guy. Conversation is fine. If they stop calling its cause you are acting more like a girlfriend (which they have) instead of an interesting, challenging, guy. A little mystery is good, whether you are a guy or gal.

So... wanting to be with someone is an absolutely natural desire. But if that's all you are about, it works against you.

Having a "butler" (you) might be entertaining for a time, but eventually the "butler" gets replaced.

Is that you Mark? I told you to quit smothering me! As you can see I have had experience with an insecure person like yourself- no offense. KP2171 is totally right- your neediness and clinginess is really not desirable. You are going to find yourself in the same situation over and over again until you learn from your mistakes. If you find that you cannot change on your own- seek a professional counselor. These feelings of insecurity are hurting you and your relationships. You also make yourself a target for overbearing naggy women who like to dominate their partners. May be that is what you want, but I doubt it.

Let me tell you about what I went through- I dated a really insecure and needy guy who smothered me (emotionally), tried to move in with me after a few months dating, and then had it all planned out to get married as soon as possible. After I broke up with him, he had a fiancé in three months and gave her the ring he had bought in anticipation of marrying me. You know what that tells me? He didn't care to know me that well, he just wanted a wife. That is so offensive to me I can't even begin to describe it.

You need to take a step back and get to know the women you talk to- take it slow. Don't just go jumping in trying to get a lifetime of information in one conversation. It helps you weed out the bad choices before you go running to the jewelry store and gives you time to get the therapy you need.

Also- No one likes to be the strong one all of the time in a relationship- it should be a partnership between to equals.

I really hope you find a way to work it out- good luck!

I have just posted on something similar. The main problem comes when a couple are at different stages of commitment - or when one feels more than the other. It's a fine line between being in touch with your feelings and coming across as desperate! Women hate this. One guy wanted to monopolise all my time. Another came on too heavy too soon. I felt pressured and backed off. He got more insecure and pressured me even more. We ended up with a vicious cycle. I think the best thing with both sexes is to keep a little bit of yourself back. I'm not saying play games, but just try to play it a little bit cool at the start. Good luck Chrissy

Quote:

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Originally Posted by pumibel

...Also- No one likes to be the strong one all of the time in a relationship- it should be a partnership between to equals...

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I know the original poster hasn't replied to this thread since the start question, but I hadn't read the other responses and this line was worth singling out.

I'm married to a driven, fun, purposeful woman. She is a master of making lists and knocking them down, be it in the boardroom or the bedroom. OK. I meant "at home" but I liked how that sounded. ;)

But even though its her nature to take control of things, and she's good at it, that doesn't mean she wants to do it all the time, and the above line is dead on right.

One of the first things she did in our marriage was make me completely in charge of our finances. I was OK enough with bachelor money, but I certainly didn't know how to run a household with a teenager and wife. Well, after a dozen years of doing it herself, she needed a break. Now we are both absolutely involved, but she needed the break.

And the same goes for other areas of the relationship on both sides. If you are too emotionally clingy and needing repeated validation it demands her attention... something she has to moniter and deal with and worry about. b-o-r-i-n-g. one more thing you have to do. Shed like you to be the strong, secure, stable one once in a while too... just as she likely wants you to have a healthy dose of "need" now and then. As was said, balance is best. A little yang for the yin.

So shell simply not want to be the lead all of the time... be it the boardroom or the bedroom.

Both men and women experience what you are describing CasaNova. I attribute it to getting to a certain biological age without all the inside parts grown up. It makes someone a natual "codependent". For whatever reasons (and it could be something of a long list) adults sometimes lack essential things from their families and therefore arrive in adulthood with real issues as a result. Parents who are lacking themselves cannot provide the necessary developmental support to their children and sadly the children suffer real emotional handicaps. This is not to say you can chalk it off to poor parenting, not at all! Now that you know as an adult, its completely on you to do something about it.

And it won't do to just say to yourself "oh this is destructive behavior so I'll quit doing it or showing it to anyone" -- it runs far deeper than that. You have a right to be a fully functioning adult who is better prepared for what is involved with forming close relationships. You are on the right track asking "why am I like this". Knowing why is part of the fast track solution to changing it and it is changeable. There are many books available to help you, if that method suits you. If you cannot find the source, correct it and change yourself on your own.. please please don't hestitate to seek professional help for that. This is not some inherent flaw in your personality, trust me, but rather someone who lacks all the skills of adulthood. You can save yourself literally years of suffering on this one pursuing a solution. I hope that helps.

kp2171:

You really "sound" like you know what you are talking about, but that's as far as you go. What I find particularly cute about you is that you present yourself as an "Adult Sexuality Expert"... right.

CasaNova2006:

A french writer once said "to exist, is to feel". I don't really know you, and "Adult Sexuality Expert" here didn't even bother to ask some questions, and jumped at judging like a preteen locker bully.

I believe your insecurity comes from a lack of love and emotional emptiness, most likely occurred during childhood. It will give you great pain, if you seek others to fill the emptiness inside for you. You will need to be with yourself, feel your emotions don't block or hide from them. It will hurt, but after the pain, you will feel less burdened, and you will start to realize your inner truth.

My suggestion to you, is to try and find a few activities that you love. Such as playing music, dancing, painting, volunteering or sports. Go to places where there are people who share the same interests as you. Invest in your life first, try to make it whole, and most important of all, accept who you are and love yourself.

When you will meet someone afterwards, instead of expecting them to make you feel happy, you will share your own happiness with theirs.

Best of luck and have courage

I'm an older man who has been needy and insecure for all of my adult life. I can't determine how or why it started, but I would give anything to. I've been dumped twice, the last time just recently after only a one year marriage. I ignored my issues, even though in my heart of hearts I knew that I had smothered every woman I had been with. I've been married and divorced now three times. My second marriage lasted 17 years, but I know that she was just able to endure it longer. I feel panic stricken when not in a relationship, and I can't even begin to be comfortable with or be validated by anyone but a woman. This makes me sick, literally. I fall very hard for a woman in my life. I'm always in a hurry to move faster in the relationship, get married, etc. I know that I pressure my partner, and all of this is the reason for my issue. I know WHAT I'm doing, I just don't know WHY. And I'm afraid to try again for fear of another failure. My last relationship (marriage) really confirmed to me my weakness and how it is repeatedly ruining my life. What to do. Scared.

When you are emotionally clingly and insecure it shows you have no self worth. The other person is drained energetically and the relationship is out of balance when you are constantly looking for reassurance from them. One sided, lopsided and the other person becomes irritated and pulls away. You need to not look to a woman or anyone else to find yourself worth but find that inside yourself. Become a whole person and bring something to the table rather than looking for the other person to complete you! Two complete people can create something beautiful together that thrives and grows. I am not saying you will not always have things to work on but you won't look to another to fix you but find the resources inside to be with your process or get outside help from a professional. You can ask for support when truly needed and your parter can hold space with true love and care not codependency. You might want to start by healing your relationship with your mother and your unfulfilled needs as a child around nurturing and abandonment . Begin to find ways to nurture yourself develop a relationship with yourself, journal, get counseling, join a group and learn through others who are struggling with the same issues. One way to heal deeply is by being in a group you have many other people and there issues to learn from.

Oh wow! The majority of the responses above sound so cut and dried, so text book. I dare say to most of you, you haven't a clue at really understanding the human psyche, neither male nor female. Though you may recognize the signs or symptoms, we humans are more complex than snowflakes, and it is common knowledge, no two snowflakes are the same, yet we lump every diagnosis and solution into one sentence, or paragraph, chapter or book. How good it would be for humanity to take the time to truly understand where the other person really is, inside. Those of you with the text book answers are so sensitive when some one replies to that answer with a little or a lot of negativity and that certainly reveals an unhealthy dose of insecurity on your part. So you counsel others to get a life and it appears you are in need of the same. Difference between all of you and the one asking "why am I this way", is quite simply, they recognize their shortcomings, you however do not recognize yours. I am not saying you are hypocritcal, I am saying you are a much more shallow human being than you realize.

You are not particulalrly needy. Women just play games and have this weird psychology built into them that tells them they are supposed to avoid the men who like them. Sort of like what Woody Allen once said "Why would I want to join a club that would want me as a member." Hopefully you will find a woman who is progressed beyond that, but they are few and far between. No, a lot of men have learned to play the game. They hold back, and hold the pain inside. Unfortunately, that is the game in the US these days.

What a loaded paragraph and one that is very judgmental and off the mark completely. So, although people are not completely the same, certain groups who follow a certain path, do experience similar results.

I wanted to post more to you, ThePonderer, but was limited. You have got to stop over thinking and being so negative. I will continue not to hold back all that I have to say to you. What I don't understand is your reasoning. This man came on here with an issue. He asked if what he feels has become his shortcoming. These people are letting him know that yes, if you continue down this path, you will experience heartache and these are the typical reasons. In addition, there are others who took it a step further by telling their own experiences in hopes of reaching out to him. It's actually good that a person realizes their "unique" situation is really NOT all that uncommon. So, although being unique is good, it keeps people separate. When that person experiences a problem, they feel they don't have anyone to turn to because they "must be" the only one who could experience such a problem. This reasoning is not true and is why people find common life lessons we all must learn harder than it has to be.

I would say your life lesson is learning how to be trusting in other people to help guide you. You are certainly not alone and can never make it in this world by being so.

The Ponderer is off the mark. Great discussions very helpful. I just met someone and am terrified that I'll be too smothery... This is helpful... I think that professional assistance is required, some good self-psychology and a life filled with purpose, joy and experiences. That is, a life worth sharing. Thank you those with your contributions. M.

Hey ponderer(more like smarty pants)where did this come from? All this talk about all responses from a text book?
These people are trying to help here and I too agree with their advice, yes this guy is desperate for help, he knows he's got a problem, he's asking why? He clearly needs therapy and yes I believe it does come from childhood issues, I was married to a man like him for twenty years,so don't tell me about text books.
I don't see a word of kindness in your letter to the man asking for help, just mocking people who are trying to support him. You have no business in this matter, clearly you see yourself above us, leave these comments to people who know what they're talking about.

I too am a needy man. I realized that and I need help. I am 41 and obese and date a younger woman with 4 kids. She has no respect for me... I am so depressed and she knows just how to keep me that way... Help!


Trapped by the need to feel loved...

I agree with you 110 %... my brother is so needy that spending just a small amount of time with him becomes exhausting! He had a number of failed relationships and the last woman dumped him because she could not deal with his "constant catering to her, neediness and OCD behavior!" SO my brother tried to commit suicide... ended up in mental behavioral facility for two weeks where he of course met a woman who was as bad as him... believe it or not he is marrying her and she now is so over jealous I can't even talk alone to him on the phone anymore... he has to have his speaker phone on so she can hear every word he is saying. It is makign me sick to my heart because so far its been three very unhealthy relationships my broterh has been through and continues on doing this. Most of our family do not want to deal with him and his new soon to be wife... this woman is a chronic controlling whiny human being cries all the time for no reason... but no tears ever coem out of her eyes... nobody likes her or can get along with her. What extremely bothers me is that my brother is making a will leaving everything to her... to add to this... she also was in 3 relationships and all 3 men have died on her... go figure if my brother dies soon who knows what this woman is all about?? Love is blind does not apply to this I don't think my poor brother knows what love really is all about. I find no alternative but to distant myself from him as I can't watch what he is doing to his life! The best part?? He is 65 years old and hasn't learned a thing from life!!

It is your fault alone... you are a needy clingy and possesive human being... you need to realize that your catering and clinginess is such a turn off... learn to gain some strength, slef love and confidence and gow up to me a man! Stop feeling sorry for yourself before it is too late! Love itself is not neediness... it means acceptance of who we are... loving OURSELVES!! How on earth can you love anyone when you don't love yourself and obesity proves that! My advice it for you to seek counseling!
Trapped by the need to feel loved... [/QUOTE]

[Sorry women do not play games unless the man wants to be played along!