Im a female and my boyfriend recently told me he had a sexual experience with a boy when he was aged about 13.. He went to an all boys boarding school and shared a dorm with the other boy, the boy convinced him to preform sexual acts with him (they did not have intercourse however) Im having an extremely hard time dealing with this information, I'm scared to have sex with him now.. He told me he is not gay and I believe him but I know that he is confused, he told me he is not attracted to men at all and he hated what happened to him. He said that he hates the boy who did this to him. I love him and I know he loves me and I definitely want to stay with him but I don't know how to get over this.. Please help me.

We all have baggage, old sexual accounts, various people have all sort of sexual practice before they meet someone. For example he could have in the 60's had group sex with dozens of people he did not even know their names, He may have had 14 sexual partners before he meet you, Add older people who may have had 2 or 3 or more wives or husbands.

So he had sex with another person, as a boy, most likely taken advantage of in the years when sexual experiment happens a lot.

So why are you scared to have sex with him, /?

Perhaps counseling will help you, Even if he had sex with him, and found he did not like it and was not interested in gay sex, it should not hurt your relatonship, if they are fully interested in you.

Im not so much scared of having sex with him again I'm more scared I think I'm worried about oral sex with him because that's what him and this boy did. I don't want to do it any more because I'm scared its going to bring up memories for him, especially now that everything is kind of more in the open about it.

Hi Carina,
I think you both just need to accept it and move on. Is something that happened so many years ago worth jeopardizing a good relationship over? The more uncomfortable you seem with it, the more uncomfortable he is going to be.
Such experiences in adolescent boys aren't completely uncommon. Experimentation is a natural part of growing up for many people. Often people will try something once, decide it is not for them and move on. Hopefully better for knowing themselves a bit more deeply.
I think a lot of what both you are feeling is societally conditioned. Though he may have felt pressured, you do not state any forthright coercion. Now that he is an adult, he may view the experience quite differently, and is likely far more concerned about how women are likely to view him. I have no doubt he is wholly straight. Though your reticence, however well disguised, may be enforcing his doubts about his "manliness." This is likely the only real confusion present.
This experience in no way makes him any less of a man. No more than I feel him being gay or bisexual would. Being a man is about being loving, responsible and mature. Pure and simple.
Relationships are nothing without trust. If he says he is straight, and has proven himself loyal to you, I think he deserves the benefit of the doubt.
I wish there were an easier answer, but if you can't accept it and move past it, it is likely eventually going to ruin a very good union.
I wish you both the best. Take care. :)

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Originally Posted by carina

Im not so much scared of having sex with him again im more scared i think im worried about oral sex with him because thats what him and this boy did. I dont want to do it any more because im scared its going to bring up memories for him, especially now that everything is kind of more in the open about it.

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Many experiences often only become traumatic through repitition and reinforcement. I still think the best thing is to just move on. If you fall off the horse, you get right back on, so to speak. The longer you wait, the more difficult it can be. You don't want to give unfounded fear time to set in. Particular if things had been going well prior to this disclosure. I doubt that one such seemingly, largely consensual experience has yet caused that much trauma.

Thanks Carina, I appreciate it. I hope eveything continues to go well for the two of you. :)

Carina... at age 13 boys are so full of raging hormones that they will almost do any thing to get relief. Then you take a school full of them confined together you are just adding more hormones to the mix. When I say they will do almost anything, have you ever heard any jokes about boys and sheep or other animals?? Well all of those are not jokes, they had to have a beginning somewhere.
If I were you I would consider your boyfriends sex with the other boy as just another form of masturbation. If he shows any form of homosexual tendencies in the future then you can worry about it then.

Tis never good when you bring your partners old flames into YOUR bedroom... and this wasn't even an old flame incident.

I'm not going to tell you that its OK or not. I'm not going to condemn to condone the act. Only you can figure out what's OK or not.

My partner, for example, second guessed herself in the bedroom for some time because she knew my previous partner was ten years younger than her. I was a three years out of college dating a girl who was a sophomore... then I dated a woman who was five years older than me instead of younger. I know this is a completely different thing, but my point is there was a tension in the bedroom because she knew id dated a crazy college girl before her. Waste of emotional energy.

Here... all I can say is when I'm with my wife, I'm not thinking about the guys who were with her before. I know for a fact, through a roundabout way, that one of her ex's is supposed to be incredibly well endowed. Fine. I'm not going to let that get in the way of my having some fun in the bedroom.

So... my advice is to try to let your partners past be the past. If he keeps bringing it up it might be out of guilt or it might be out of continued curiosity. In general, the more you talk openly about sex, the better it will be in the long run... even if you find out info that means its too much for you.

Knowing reality is always better. Might be best to suck it up and try to get him to talk about it more. Also, be willing to be open yourself. Remember, this isn't about judgement... its about understanding the truth... only then should you judge what is right for you.

I think you have to accept it and move on. Be there for him and respect his honesty towards you. This was a traumatic time for him so show him you care and love him and you admire his honesty.
Love and cheerish him.

Hello guys, I wrote before (can sexual abuse changes one's sexuality?) well my ex had the same thing you said and I was bringing it up but I was scared and later on my fears have become more and more because I found out that he is excited more if he sees male genitals than women's and when he is excited he would want me to tell him that he is being screwed by a man and that was the easiest way to get him off, and when he is not excited he is very straight and deny any thing he said or just try to forget he said that , may be he will never have sex with a guy because he is scared this would come out but he still could not hold it in when he is sexually excited , he told me about his experience with this guy when he was 13 much later but I always knew something happened to him when he was younger and wanted it to repeated again but he can not because he wanted so badly to be respected as a straight man especially that he is a religious guy , I think you should show him gay sex movies and you will be able to tell if he is into that or not because guys when they are excited they can not hide it and then you can make a decision, it is very hard to admit gayness, a lot of married men hide their gayness because this is what they think they are going to be respected, and if you are sure he not harbouring any thing you should really let it go before you ruin a good thing, good luck