He won't let me make amends.. Give up
Please don't yell and put me down for this. I have suffered depression and have already attempted to end my life three times over this. The guilt is eating me up and I have no clue why I did this.
My ex boyfriend dumped me and he had very good reasons. I betrayed him by omitting, so basiclly a lie. I am not proud of this. I want to make ameds with my ex boyfriend for what I did because I don't feel I will ever forgive myself for this. Here it goes...
I ended up pregnant while we were dating. Not a big deal we accepted it. The problem is we live in a small town everyone likes to be involved in everyone's life. I was always brought down as a child that I will never be good enough, always having to prove myself, every step I took was a mistake to my father. There is a lot more. This may help you understand the rest.
Anyway, the people in town started telling my then boyfriend that it was his friends kid and at that point I knew something was wrong. I have a good gut intuitioin and have with my ex, even now which is weird. He never communicated this to me, but I knew something was wrong as he started pulling away and telling me there was no spark. We still stayed together. I found out from a few other people that everyone is saying it is someone else's baby. I don't even go out unless it was with him and we lived together.
I ended up having a miscarriage which was stress related from everything that was going on. His parents were gettig divorced, his dad was living with us, he was losing his job. His mom lived across the street. I didn't tell him about the miscarriage because I was too worried about proving to everyone else that it was his baby. So I got pregnant again with him and it took a few months. I started to become crazy when I realized what I did and did not know how to fix this. I mean this guy was the only one who never cut me down, he inspired me, and taught me a lot. So I suggested and abortion and he went along with it. He at this time did not know how far along I was. After that we still lived together but I couldn't live with myself, that was my first attempt at ending my life. I knew I hurt someone so bad and I know what it is like to be hurt. I left that day after I tried to end my life. A month later I told my ex the truth.
He was angry and I expected that. He called me crazy, he said he never wanted to see me, or talk to me again. Hard we live in a small town. I felt so guilty and still do and it is almost 3 months. Finally got the stuff out of his house. After that I tried to kill myself two more times. One of which he must have had his own intuition and called the cops to check on me. The last time we were out in public at a bar in a pool tournament. Everyone knew what happed and they knew I was on meds. They kept telling me I was never pregnant in the first place and all this it made me flip. I took all my pills and drank. I went and got all my medical records from the clinic even and gave them to someone to read.
I have did good and haven't called the ex. I feel so guilty I never meant to do this. I don''t really know what happened or why I felt like I had to prove it was his to everyone else. We talked today. He will not let me make amends even though I am trying so hard too. He told me he never wants to talk to me or see me again. I should move out of town.
Will his anger and hurt towards me ever go away? Will my guilt ever go away? I really need someone to talk too. I can't talk with my therapist right now..
Can anyone talk on Yahoo or anything? I really feel sometime that ending my life is the only way to show how sorry I am.