Ask Me Help Desk - What do I do if she wants space

I've been with my girlfriend for 8 months now, after 6 months of just seeing each other because she was scared of being in a relationship.
I treat her like a princess & do everything for her, always have.
Since June we've seen each other almost every day & she was happy for me to stay at her house all that time. Recently she told me I was her best friend & could never bare the thought of being without me because I'm the boyfriend she always wanted. She even started talking about kids, houses & even up until last week was talking about us getting a kitten. Whilst watching TV we saw an ad about an online dating site & she sadi she didn't need to know because she has already found her perfect partner.
Then on a night out she announce in a pub whilst drunk that she didn't want to be with me anymore because she doesn't love me like she used to!?
She didn't come home that night & the next day,after a lot of upset on both sides, she said she just wanted some space to think & we should do our own thing. She then asked why I wanted to go home that night & I stayed at hers.
In the morning she was OK & said that we should do our own thin that night because after a bit of time she was sure she'd be fine. Kissed me a few times before I left for work & that was it... I've heard nothing 3 days later.
What's she thinking & what should I do as I know she's not perfect but let me think everything was fine but for the last 2 months hasn't been in her head.
I don't know what to do with myself.

I'm sorry you're hurting,but I can't tell you what she is thinking.

It seems her feelings have changed and there isn't anything you can do but accept that she's not getting in touch with you.

You should get on with your life,hard as it may feel right now.

Go no contact yourself and make sure you keep busy,doing your own thing.

Take care.

I appreciate your thoughts amicon but the situation makes no sense.
Only last month she suggested that I join th tennis club she goes to & even went so far as to fill in the forms for me & yet she's now telling me she feels trapped! I started to feel that she was becoming slightly 'vague' & laid off the conversations about kittens etc but she was the one checking that I was still looking into it. The valentines card she gave me was really thoughtfull, having written in that she loves me more & more every day & allways will... bearing in mind that was only 2 weeks ago. She told me I've been too nice & she takes me for granted.
It just seams like she's scared herself & suddenly hit the panic button. Because I've never pressured her about the next step. I've not contacted her since she said she wants space but its so hard because I love her so much.
Was she lying to me or was she just trying to convince herslef that's what she wanted?
This kind of thing happened before we were actually together & as soon as she found out I was seeing someone else she came running.

You have believed all her words but in the end, actions speak for themselves.

She asked for space and told you to do your own thing. I have to agree with her.

Especially if she has done it before, and it worked, because you allowed it. She will probably do it again. Will you allow it again? I hope not.

Yes, she's done.

Lots of proof. It may make no sense to you.

Now its time to go NC.

Get over this one. There's no reason in hell to continue trying, thinking about or pining for someone that doesn't want you.

Nothing you can do or say will or should change that.

Nows the time to heal & get over her & learn.

Ok my advice to you is that you give her the space she has asked for and get busy with friends and activities and try to keep your mind off this turmoil as much as possible.

Before I tell you my thoughts on this I would just like to say that I may be totally wrong, these thoughts only come from my observations and dealings with life, there is no 'back up' other than that for them.

Sometimes when we feel that there are no faults to this 'perfect partner' we are with it can be suffocating, and can make one feel as though they are constantly on watch to make sure they live up to this 'perfect relationship' that they have.

Are these thoughts grounded and rational? No. But it doesn't make them any less real and it doesn't mean you should change your actions, you are a good man who treats a woman well and there is nothing wrong with that, in fact any woman should be happy to be with you!

Also, I would guess that somewhere in your girlfriend's past she has had reason to feel she is 'less than'. I only guess this because to me it seems that she doesn't feel she is worthy of a loving healthy relationship, as it seems you had no other problems to base this break on?

If there is more information please let me know. Also, remember I could be completely wrong on my thoughts. This really is mostly a shot in the dark as I have not spoken to your girlfriend and you can give no concrete reasons the relationship has changed so drastically.

First off - you can't fix relationship issues while you're “on a break” (broken up), so I wouldn't expect things to get better when they aren't being addressed. Usually when someone asks for “a break” they really want out of the relationship entirely, but don't have the guts to straight out say so.

You seem to accept your girlfriend's issue's without looking at your own needs. Unfortunately you can't control the path your girlfriend is taking - she will make decisions that will effect you regardless of how much you love her or bargain with her. You have to start thinking of yourself here.

If she needs space there is nothing you can do to stop her, but it may give you some time to look at your own life and ask yourself, have you given too much of yourself in this relationship? Try not to beat yourself up over all of this, you did nothing wrong.

Just curious questions-

Did you set a time limit for the break?

Did you agree to see other people during the break?

Quote:

Originally Posted by vale46

I appreciate your thoughts amicon but the situation makes no sense.

Actually, I think this situation makes perfect sense.

Quote:

Originally Posted by vale46

only last month she suggested that i join th tennis club she goes to & even went so far as to fill in the forms for me & yet she's now telling me she feels trapped!

I could tell this from your first post. Let’s review it shall we. We shall.

Quote:

Originally Posted by vale46

i treat her like a princess & do everything for her, always have.

Trapped.

Quote:

Originally Posted by vale46

since june we've seen eachother almost every day & she was happy for me to stay at her house all that time.

Trapped.

Quote:

Originally Posted by vale46

recently she told me I was her best friend & could never bare the thought of being without me coz i'm the boyfriend she always wanted. she even started talking about kids, houses & even up until last week was talking about us getting a kitten.

She was trapping you. Were you going along with all of this, not questioning why a woman so scared of relationships suddenly wanted kids? When women start talking about this they aren’t saying because they want it, they are saying to see how you react to it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by vale46

whilst watching tv we saw an ad about an online dating site & she sadi she didnt need to know coz she has already found her perfect partner.

Trapping you into believing something.

Quote:

Originally Posted by vale46

then on a night out she announce in a pub whilst drunk that she didnt want to be with me anymore coz she doesnt love me like she used to!?!

Which means she probably thought that for some time, but liquid courage brought it out.

Quote:

Originally Posted by vale46

she didnt come home that night & the next day,after a lot of upset on both sides, she said she just wanted some space to think & we should do our own thing. she then asked why i wanted to go home that night & i stayed at hers.

So after making you look like a complete fool she talked you into staying with her, thus controlling the situation and the relationship, while you showed her that she’d be trapped with you because you can’t leave even after she makes you look like a douche.

Quote:

Originally Posted by vale46

in the morning she was ok & said that we should do our own thin that night coz after a bit of time she was sure she'd be fine. kissed me a few times before i left for work & that was it............ i've heard nothing 3 days later.

Of course she said that. She was getting rid of you, controlling the situation, and making you leave without making a scene.

And that brings us to this……

Quote:

Originally Posted by vale46

I started to feel that she was becoming slightly 'vague' & laid off the conversations about kittens etc but she was the one checking that i was still looking into it.

But she wasn’t committing. She was just making you check into it for something she wanted. You showed no backbone to point out the relationship wasn’t working so you wouldn’t get a cat until things improved.

Quote:

Originally Posted by vale46

the valentines card she gave me was really thoughtfull, having written in that she loves me more & more every day & allways will........ bearing in mind that was only 2 weeks ago.

Here's a little secret that men are apparently supposed to pretend isn't true. Women lie and they do a lot of it. You have to call them on it every time it happens. I’ve had all kinds of cards from chicks saying one thing but who acted in a complete different manner. Words don’t mean a thing if they aren’t backed up by action.

Quote:

Originally Posted by vale46

she told me i've been too nice & she takes me for granted.

When she tells you, you are too nice and takes you for granted what she is telling you is that you are a pushover who doesn’t make her feel like a woman, but instead a friend. Friends call her all the time, and spend everyday with her. Friends are a dime a dozen. She wants a man to make her feel like she’s earned the love you were giving her. Instead, what she got was a slave doing whatever she wanted whenever she snapped her fingers.

Quote:

Originally Posted by vale46

it just seams like she's scared herself & suddenly hit the panic button.

She is not scared or panicked, and this is not sudden.

Quote:

Originally Posted by vale46

coz i've never pressured her about the next step.

Pressuring someone to do something isn’t cool, but at the same time if you just leave the idea of a relationship out there with no timeline or no action or no consequences then she has no reason to invest in the next step.

Quote:

Originally Posted by vale46

i've not contacted her since she said she wants space but its so hard coz I love her so much.

It is hard. But now you must prove to yourself that you love and respect yourself so much more then her. You do that by first letting her and her lies go. Then you build your own confidence. Then you look back with clarity at this situation over time and you as a confident man who would not put up with this BS learn from your mistakes so the next time you are put in this situation it will be under your terms and you will make the correct or at the very least better decisions for yourself. You are the most important person in the relationship. Always and forever.

They don’t put that on Valentines Day cards. But they should.

Quote:

Originally Posted by vale46

was she lieing to me or was she just trying to convince herslef thats what she wanted?

She was testing you to see if you would act like a friend or a strong man who would stand her down. Here’s a dirty secret women won’t tell you. If you can’t stand them down, then you aren’t strong. If you aren’t strong they aren’t interested. You don’t have to yell and scream about it when you stand them down. You just have to stand up for yourself and teach her you are to be respected or your other option is life with out her.

Quote:

Originally Posted by vale46

this kinda thing happened before we were actually together & as soon as she found out i was seeing someone else she came running.

Exactly. She didn’t think you could find someone else. After all you didn’t pressure her. Once you did, she realized you had some value and had to find out what it was.