I have lived with my girl for 17 years we have five lovely kids thought nothing could touch us and be together forever, she started on Facebook and got flirting with some fellow living not far away, I worked all day so never or thought for a moment she would go down to his house taking our 2 year old daughter with her and within a hour she was having sex with him, I came home from work unaware but a day or so later I was on PC and sow a strange messege from her to him saying thanks for the best 2 days of my life but we are playing with fire, his reply was I know just one more time, she said it just happened but she went down the following morning and did the very same thing again, she still with me now and as far as I know there has been no more contact with them, how do I rid the thoughts and fears I have the hurt the pain, when we have sexual contact with each other it all comes rushing in my head her and him, my confidence is shatterd and although we are getting along I feel its just me afraid to show how I really feel, I don't want to hurt her or cause any pain and pretnd things can be normal for us, I try so hard to forget, but I can't and I just lock myself away in bedroom and pretend things are OK for us, I know she wants to be with me and she says its only me but why do something so seedy with no care or thought and then say I am the one she allways wanted and wants, why be so desperate and even take my daughter with her and then go the very next morning for the same thing to happen again, why say its was a mistake and then go and do it again, he told her he did not want a relaitionship is this the real reason she stayed, how mamy more lies does she hide away, will I ever trust her again, I don't know I know I love her to bits but I don't think it is enough I can forgive her for anything but this is just something I can't handle anymore, I can't keep pretending it hurts me like hell how can I ever trust her again..

You should really voice all this to her, she made this bed for herself, and I would be telling her what this has done to you and the relationship.

I know if I was in your position I don't think I could ever get over it. And would probably have to walk out the door after 17 yrs! I am sorry, I just can't stand cheaters and would never trust someone again who cheated on me.

Yes I don't see why you should suffer in silence!
What she did was wrong you should tell her.

I can understand that you're feeling very hurt and betrayed,you do need to talk to her about your feelings and not bottle everything up.

Nobody but her can tell you why she did this-and how she could bring a two year old along when she cheats on that child's father.

Had you not had children ,I would have said this was a dealbreaker,but your children's needs and happiness should come first so maybe you could try couple's counciling?

Should totally make this a big deal. U know what you should do, gather everyone in the families and expose the truth. Tell your kids, " I love your mom a lot, but your mom cheated on me, she let someone else do her, ask the kid if you should forgive her, embarrass her in front of the kids. This is something to get back at her and relieve your anger. Also the kid will hate their mom forever and make their mom feel so miserable that she ever cheated on you. Revenge is sweet, and this is the best form of it. Make it so like you are the victim which you are, and you are letting your kids understand what is going on. Im absolutely sure if u do this, you will walk away a happier, much happier man.

The best form of revenge is living a successful happy life!
Do not retaliate to her level, that will cause so much un needed drama and make you look like a fool in the end.
Do not put this on your kids and try and get them to turn on her mother, that is ludicris. Yes she cheated, but it wasn't the kids fault, and they should not be forced in this situation to take sides. Causing more drama never leaves someone more happy. I am sure you would feel a lot more frustrated, drained, stressed and miserable.

Children will be happier with happy parents though, it's a tough call! The only way I would stay with her, if you truly think you can get past this. If this will bother you forever, you might have to walk away and be HAPPY. You can't live your whole love being unhappy and having this bother you. It will reflect on your kids as well. So it isn't always good just to stay because you have children... basically in my opinion you two would have to work through this and forgive her, for me to stay in this relationship.

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Originally Posted by Communication11

Should totally make this a big deal. U know what you should do, gather everyone in the families and expose the truth. Tell your kids, " I love your mom alot, but your mom cheated on me, she let someone else do her, ask the kid if you should forgive her, embarass her in front of the kids. This is something to get back at her and relieve your anger. Also the kid will hate their mom forever and make their mom feel so miserable that she ever cheated on you. Revenge is sweet, and this is the best form of it. Make it so like you are the victim which you are, and you are letting your kids understand what is going on. Im absolutely sure if u do this, you will walk away a happier, much happier man.

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Make the children HATE their own mother? Not a good idea.

To the OP:

I don't envy you your position and I can totally understand how you're feeling. It would be extremely difficult to deal with the awful betrayal, let alone the feelings of distrust that follow.

People don't usually just walk down the street and bonk a guy, sight unseen, for no reason. Something REALLY serious is going on in your marriage and if you don't do something about it now, anything that was good in your marriage will be destroyed.

Firstly, you need to tell her how you're feeling. Be REALLY honest about how her actions have affected you and your marriage (stop hiding in the bedroom). Secondly, I would highly recommend that you both go to counselling immediately. You can't deal with this on your own and it will take a long time for her to rebuild your trust in her. Your wife needs to understand why she did what she did, and you need to as well.

To ignore her actions and your pain will be fatal. Unless you both make a concerted effort to work through this you may as well sign the divorce papers now.

I think that you need to be open and honest with your very real and understandable feelings or the consequences will be terrible.

You obviously have a very big heart and it seems you truly want to get past this. And I would just like to say that it won't be easy, by any stretch of the word, it won't be easy but it is possible. The only way that you can get through this is by being honest, truly completely and therefore, sometimes brutally honest.

You are going to have to tell you partner, in full detail how this has made you feel. And in turn you are going to have to hear, and listen to, the reasons that drove your partner to this. If you cannot do this trust can never be restored.

This is no small task and I think that the best, and in my opinion, the only way of doing this is by going to a counselor or mediator. Having someone impartial there to cull the anger and allow the truth is essential to the recovery of this very battered relationship.

It is easy for you to allow your anger, or depression to overtake you should you not deal with this hurt and betrayal. I urge you not to allow a relationship, that has so many lives and so much happiness riding on it, to go south for the sake of some real home truths between yourself and your partner.

Finally, my heart truly goes out to you and yours in this hard time. This is a great site with an understanding ear both for advice AND rants, please continue to use it.

All the best.
E.

I think I would be destroyed by this kind of betrayal, but no way do you forgive, and let it slide.

The others are right, you must let her know how this has made you feel, and it will be a long time before this can be overcome, (if it can indeed be overcome), as you are only condoning her bad behavior, and inviting more by not saying anything.

A counselor or mediator is a good idea, but frankly child support and a long vacation from her would be my reaction, to her actions.

Just think if you had never discovered her messages, what it would be like.

Naw, I would need a lot of time, and space, before I could even look at her again. And maybe that wouldn't be enough to restore trust, or my own self esteem. What a bummer, I totally feel for you going through this. Taking your child with her, oh hell no!

Be a good dad, and leave her alone for a while.

Yea I have to agree all of the betrayal is hurtful to the core, but to involve your child... well, I don't know if I could get over it either.

BUT you seem to want to and I think a counselor or mediator is really the only way to getting to some sort of resolve about this. Long long road ahead though.