My son married - they adopted a little girl - he insisted they live in his home town which is 900 miles away from her's. His wife ended up being a real difficult person to live with. We all knew this but encouraged him to be the best husband he could be. Nothing pleased her. He finally filed for a divorce, which was not final before he got involved with someone else. This not only broke her heart, but made her very vindictive, which remains to this day. She frequently finds subtle ways to degrade him, (get her digs in)but other than that she never makes a scene during family events.

She stayed in this town so their daughter could be around her father, but she has absolutely no other family here. Therefore we invite her to family birthdays and some holidays. At first she still attended Thanksgiving and Christmas, but after he remarried that was fazed out.
After 9 years my son is still harassed by this woman. She leaves him horrible messages, and continues to try and paint him in the worst possible light to most people she talks to. However, she is always pleasant to us, (his family) and she IS the mother of his child and we have encouraged him to try to be as civil as possible and so are we. He wants us to stop inviting her to anything at all now. I have a little bit of a problem with that. He doesn't care if we have a relationship with her, he just doesn't want to see her at any family functions whatsoever if it isn't for their daughter. What say you?

I think that this woman has been given multiple opportunities to be a mature adult within this situation and has refused to do so.

I think that your son has every right to request that she only be involved in his family life when it regards his daughter.

I would talk to her and tell her what has been requested and the validity of it and present her with a choice to behave like an adult and continue to be involved in your lives or to continue with this behaviour and deal with the consequences.

Dear neverme,
I agree 100%. I am not willing to cut her off without giving her a choice. STOP IT or by -by. The difficulty I have is that she has no family here. That's what makes this hard. Thanks.

She is making this hard, not you. Give her the choice to rectify the situation.

If for no other reason than to attempt to repay your kindness she should make real attempts to make this situation better. If she does not have that respect for you and your family she should no longer be given the opportunity to hurt you.

Best of Luck and keep us updated.

I'm of the opinion that if you have a family event, all events benefit the child. This is her family.

I wouldn't be in the middle of this. What I would do is extend an invitation to your son and his wife, and his ex wife. Let them sort out who will attend and who won't.

I think you are both kind, and smart to include her, and she treats you well too.

So if your son won't show up if she's there, so be it. It's his call. More importantly, it's your party, and you can invite who you want.

Was he married to her when he started seeing this other women? Who tells you she is saying all these horrible things about your son? Mothers have a way of seeing only one side of the picture when it comes to their children.

Kitkat22. YES, he was still married when he started seeing this other woman. The EX has a subtle way of degrading him, even to me. She does it with 1/2 truths. Never telling the whole story. I have caught her time and time again and yet I say nothing. We are a very decent family and try to get along with her and always include her in everything. I've told my son over and over, he has to live with his choices and his bad decisions. But there is no doubt about it... she is abusive to him and was for the 10 years they were married. He wanted out of the marriage year 1, but stuck it out 9 more years for the sake of his daughter ( whom they adopted). She even told their daughter that he never wanted to adopt her. Even if that was true (which it is not) that is a horrible thing to tell any child. My son feels that any other family would have cut her off a long time ago. I agree, but I constantly remind him, "We aren't just any other family." It's called Christian charity. I agree with 'neverme, ' It's time to give her a choice. Cut the crap or we will have to part. It's time I held her to the same responsible behavior that I have try to hold my son to.

You are right and you have to protect your grandchild. Stand up to this woman and tell her you know what she's doing. Being a good Christian means to be bold in a situation like this. It doesn't make you a bad person.

I'm sorry I wasn't questioning your motives, I was just wondering why after all these years you still want her to be part of the family. I'll wager it's because you want to show your granddaughter how much you love her.

I wish you luck and I will pray for you and you are a good mother who only want's what's best for your family. Blessings

Kitkat22 Thank you. You are right. We want to be a good example to our granddaughter. But I think 9 years is enough. I must give her a choice - stop this insanity or we will be force to exclude you from family functions. I don't want to loose my son over this. Thanks again.

This sounds like the opposite side of another thread:

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/divorc...ts-450720.html

My advice is discontinue inviting her. She's had her chance to be civil to your son and she's not taken it. But she's two faced enough to be civil to you.

Your son has been really reasonable and asked that you see her in your time, not at family events. I think that this is the least you can do for your son.

Why would you condone her behavior by continuing to invite her? I'm sure your loyalty lies with your son, not his abusive ex-wife?

Gemini54
I would have no problem completely cutting her off, had I held her to some kind of accountability long ago. I am now going to confront her. If she continues to be less than civil to my son, I will then ask her not to attend family functions any longer. I feel it's important at this point to give her the choice.

Get out there and stand up for yourself and your family... and keep us updated! :)

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Originally Posted by coppenello

Gemini54
I would have no problem completely cutting her off, had I held her to some kind of accountability long ago. I am now going to confront her. If she continues to be less than civil to my son, I will then ask her not to attend family functions any longer. I feel it's important at this point to give her the choice.

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I agree about providing her with a choice - you sound determined and confident - and very willing to set strong boundaries. Give it to her with both barrels (metaphorically speaking, of course!)

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Originally Posted by Gemini54

I agree about providing her with a choice - you sound determined and confident - and very willing to set strong boundaries. Give it to her with both barrels (metaphorically speaking, of course!)

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Great advice Gemini!

By you not cutting her off, its showing no support to your son, and your son will be thinking your on her side and support all these negative actions she is doing. Because no matter if you say you are against what she is doing, by you having her hang around , you are indirectly supporting it!

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Originally Posted by dynocompe

By you not cutting her off, its showing no support to your son, and your son will be thinking your on her side and support all these negative actions she is doing. because no matter if you say you are against what she is doing, by you having her hang around , you are indirectly supporting it!

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I know you'll do what's right because , you are a mother and a grandmother and we're like the lioness; nobody messes with our babies.:):)