I have been married nine years and just found out last week that my husband cheated on me with his first wife just before we were married and just after. I have had my suspicions within 6 months after we married he came down with herpes... that he never had before in the months we dates and not even the first months of our marriage. It took six months for this to happen. He mumbled something about he may have had it during his first marriage... but it went away when they divorced. I hurried him to the docs and they confirmed it... but they also said he had old scars too from previous outbreaks... so it was a brand new infections. Well... this hurt our trust to have this happen so early in our marriage. I has watched and tested like a hawk and sure enough 2 months later I got sick with it. Now I have only had one outbreak in nine years... but I got sick with a fairly serious autoimmune disease (sarcoidosis)about the same time that the docs think has probably stunted my immune system for now, Since this new revelation last week I am just broken hearted. I had thought all these years he got this years and years ago before we met. Now it looks like he got it just before or after our wedding. He says he loves me and had to unburden himself as hiding this was killing him. He admits that hiding facts has probably made me sicker too. Can we ever fix this? I love him... but I sure can't trust what he might tell me again in a few years.

Counseling is a must. I hope both of you go to counseling. The only reason why he is coming clean is because of his guilt. He is trying to unburden himself to you, to make himself feel better. That is not right or fair to you. At the same time, it coming out after so so many years. Do you think you will be able to move past this and move forward. Do you believe he did that again? I do suggest both of you get tested for different things. It would not be a bad idea and might set your mind at ease. Counseling is very important right now. Can it be fixed. It is up to you and your parnter if you both are willing to work through this? Especially for you, 9 years are a lot of years to go by. Do you think it is worth fixing? Do you have any children?

Joe

How much do you value this relationship?
If you feel your 9 year investment with this guy is worth it, you can work through his bad choices and try to keep the marriage together.

Personally - I think cheating is a deal breaker. You now have no way of trusting him in that he hasn't had other indescressions over the last 9 years, and you can't really trust that he won't try and "get away with something" in the future.

What he did was wrong, but it does sound like he is trying to be honest and is sorry for it, Often this is the first step in rebuiding a relationshiop, most likely he felt he could not continue living a lie.

I would as the others have , suggest marriage counseling,

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Originally Posted by Jesushelper76

Councelling is a must. I hope both of you go to councelling. The only reason why he is coming clean is because of his guilt. He is trying to unburden himself to you, to make himself feel better. That is not right or fair to you. At the same time, it coming out after so so many years. Do you think you will be able to move past this and move foward. Do you believe he did that again? I do suggest both of you get tested for different things. It would not be a bad idea and might set your mind at ease. Councelling is very important right now. Can it be fixed. It is up to you and your parnter if you both are willing to work through this? Especially for you, 9 years are a lot of years to go by. Do you think it is worth fixing? Do you have any children?

Joe

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I truly value this relationship. We both have been married before and we have grown children. He is from a foreign country and has not been back since he immigrated 9 years ago and this is when he had the affair with his ex-wife the 9 years ago. We were already married before he immigrated. Now I went 4 times in 6 months to visit/live with him and even met his ex. I was wary too as he did NOT want the divorce that she wanted 5 years before. She had a boyfriend that caused her to want this divorce and then that fizzled out and she seemed at loose ends around that time according to her daughters confessions to me. We had already met and planned our marriage by the time her boyfriend dumped her. I am almost sure now it was herpes that caused their break-up as she did tell ny husband a few things about this... even asking him if he had outbreaks yet? He had not. He told me everything years ago but left OUT the having sex one time before wed and then once just after we wed and he immigrated. He swears he had no outbreaks and no way of knowing he had herpes until his first outbreak several months after immigrating. You guys are terrific and I am sharing your answers with him. We have counseling arranged! Wish us luck as it seems we both want this marriage to work.

Oh yes... we did get tested for everything soon after the herpes started! To be married the female had to be tested in my home state. The later my doc suggested we be tested for everything from HIV to all STDS. We have never been apart since we married and I have kept an eye on him knowing that the herpes things was not a gift from god... but a thoughtless sex act... :(

Having a connection sexually to an ex, would be hard thing to give up right away. They shared a connection too. It is sad that people can not just be with one person and stay with that person for life. I am happy to know that you got tested and that you do love him and want to work through this. It shows you that you love him and that he loves you. Wanting to make amends for something that happened years ago. Good luck with the counseling and I am sure things will work out. If that is what both of you want, It will. (;

Joe

Thank you Joe for your help and insight! I agree with you and we will work hard because after nine years we have a blended family that would be greatly effected by divorce!!

Lee