HELP!

Ok, here I go.

I have been going out with my girlfriend for almost 11 months... ok right?

WRONG! I have never met her because I live about 120miles away... so why don't I just get on a train and see her? I always suggest it but when I do she says she dances on saturdays, has school during the week and sundays is a family day.

Also, she dancies ALL holidays EVERY holidays.

But she went on a mini break with her female mate for 2weeks but in her defence it was totally a surprise but she always tells me that she wants to see me but is too busy.

If I ask her if she is free, she says I'm trying to start problems and gets upset and this mood stays for months.

I am sure she loves me and I love her but recently we have argued and she seems less intimate with me. We argue over little things but this is only because I want to be with her soooo badly. I can't leave her because it would hurt so much.

Why won't she take ONE Saturday a month off to see me? I have asked and she told me to stop creating problems.

Does she want the love but not the commitment?

Finally how can I get her to see me?

Please... I am so confused and upset.

Thanks people and I hope no-one is feeling the pain I do right now.

First, I am so sorry you are in pain. Next, Calm down those emotions so you can think a little clearer. Being all spun up will never result in a good thought process. Okay, once you have calmed your emotions just a bit, I would then read your very own words what you posted here. Read it several times as though somebody else wrote it to you.

Personally, she does seem to be a bit evasive and I really have no clue as to why. I am more concerned with you and the pain you are feeling.

I most definitely, would take 3 steps back and if you can, make it 4 steps back. I would not ask to see her again and I would pull back as much as you can to obtain a healthy balance for your internal emotions.

You asked, "how can I get her to see me?" You really can't get a grown adult to do anything unless she is willing to.

To summarize, take a deep breath, read your very own words here, several times if you have to, take a couple of moments to really soak in your own words.

Phelp, this may not be the answers you were looking for but I am hoping for your sake, it is a good place to start.

I truly am so sorry for your pain. We all have been hurt deeply in one form or another, and are survivors, it does ease, I promise you.

I'm sorry, but something's very wrong here. So you've never actually met face-to-face, not even once in almost a year of correspondence? If that's true, you have an imaginary relationship, not a real one. I suspect that the reason she doesn't want to meet you is that she hasn't been honest about who she is. This is a hard thing to accept, but I'm afraid she's played you, and now doesn't know how to get out of the mess she's made. Allheart is right about stepping back, but I'd say 3 or 4 steps isn't nearly far enough. You've gone WAY out on a limb here, and you need to get back on solid ground and rebuild your own sanity. The sooner you break it off and get back to your own center the sooner you can find a real person to love.

Sorry to tell you this but what you have is a fantasy of a relationship, but there is no relationship there. There was no going out, it does not really exist. Instead of being sad and upset about it you should be feeling free and happy.

Joe

Are you for real? She's probably a 54-year old MAN who is just tugging you along for a fun ride in which he gets his giggles off to at work and tells his co-workers about. You've been in an imaginary relationship for nearly a year? Please don't tell me that you've actually been faithful to "her" all this time.

This sounds like a joke question... lol. Because if it's true, we truly live in a sad and messed up world.

Hi Phelpsie,
I'd have to agree with Joe and Ordinary Guy -- from personal experience. I've been through this scenario twice myself.
The first time was with a woman who lived on the other side of the country, a few thousand miles away. We became very involved, instant messaged each other for 8-12 hours nearly every night, talked on the phone, exchanged gifts by mail... I regularly talked to her parents, her nephew, her best friend... After many months, we began making plans for her to fly out to the East coast for a week's vacation in a couple of local bed and breakfasts.
Shortly after we began solidifying these plans, things began to change. She once again found religion, she got back with her ex, and she decided to use the portion of money she'd saved to pay off some debts. After then not talking to me much for a period, she suddenly began talking of me visiting the West coast strictly on a platonic basis. Though I still cared greatly for her, things had changed far too much, and eventually we lost touch entirely.
During this time I was in college. Due to the time difference between us, I was routinely attending classes on two hours sleep. And I nearly destroyed my education at the time as a result.
A couple of years back, I again entered a prolonged exchange with a woman from Russia. I was even serious enough at the time that I began a concerted effort to learn her language. After only 5 months, she began to talk about marriage. She discussed plans to visit me that summer.
Well, to make a long story short, this "relationship" ended when she mailed me a photo of a fake (stolen) visa in an attempt to scam me for airline fare. It was an R1 visa, designated for religious workers -- she claimed to be a dentist -- bearing tell-tale shadows of having been scanned in multiple parts. Though I once considered her an angel, I simply wasn't buying it. I may be gullible, but only to a point. :)
Hard as it might be, I would walk away now. There is someone better suited out there, and likely in your area.
Take care. :)

The real question is, why not go out and meet women in bars/clubs, etc? Real women... right in front of you... that you can talk to? Why do the whole long-distance e-relationship thing? Just doesn't make any sense to me. I mean, it's one thing to have a long-distance relationship AFTER you've already met... but to never have met at all... that's kind of strange. Don't mean to offend, but that's my honest opinion.

I think the real appeal with online "relationships" is the hope that someone will come to like you more for your personality first -- assuming people are honest -- as opposed to simply looks, wealth or material possessions. Though, I myself am quite definitively done going the long distance route. I've never really been into the club or bar scene, but I'm relatively through with any kind of online dating, local ads or elsewise. :)

Everyone who has posted has given some good explainations of what the situation is and why its like that... but here's something you can actively do to change things... judging by your post you sounds pretty desperate and seem like you are ALWAYS begging to talk to her and hear from her or what not. This behaviour has most likely diminished any atraction she had towards you
Try not to pay so so much undying attention and be a man, sorry if it sounded harsh, its really the truth

You got played to the max, and you deserve it. If you keep down this road, you will get played again. You need to take a real look at yourself, and make a few changes that will keep you from falling for every dumb line that females can come up with. You need to work on your manhood and find out who you are, and what YOU are about, so you don't fall for that OKEY DOKE again. Yes I'm jumping on your case because you need it. Now work on yourself and leave the women alone until you can get some MAN about you.

By the way the best place to meet females is a grocery store. When you get yourself together , go shopping.

Sadly, imaginary relationships don't cause imaginary pain. To risk your heart online is to take some very real, deck-stacked-against-you chances since who you hook up with might not be who they seem. How is it you are old enough to get into an online relationship and not know that? I am asking this sincerely, not just rhetorically, okay? This is the sort of thing a 12 year old might do... so I am curious about your age and if its older, how you managed to remain so naïve.

I am confused as to how people can fall in love over the internet. I believe that you can form a friendship, a close one at that. But a relationship is so much more then words written on a screen, or said over the phone. And I am not just talking about the physical aspects of a relationship. There is a closeness that grows when you share day to day aspects of life, family gatherings, and fun times on a date.

I agree with Valinors sorrow here. I would love to know the age of the author of the post.

My best friend in though WHOLE world is in a long distance relationship and they met on the internet. He lives in Hays Kansas and she lives in Columbus Ohio. They went out for a year before they met but they did meet and spent a couple of weeks together. I do believe that your relationship can work out so don't lose hope on that part.

I can't say I know what you're going through because I haven't experienced it myself but I did see the pain it caused my friend when she couldn't physically be with him. If I were in your shoes I would probably give her the ultimatum. Either she come see you, she lets you go see her, you guys meet half way or you can't do this anymore. If she truly loves you as you say she does then she'll work something out. I know that in the back of your mind you might be thinking "what if she doesnt go for it?" If that's the case then you have a lot to think about.

Keep in mind though that she might just be scared or insecure. My friend almost canceled her trip because she didn't think she was pretty enough but she wanted to figure out if this relationship was going to work or not so she took the chance. Maybe before you give your girl the ultimatum try to talk to her. Let her know up front that your not trying to piss her off or start an argument but that you want this relationship to be open and honest. Tell her exactly how you feel and don't sugar coat it she deserves the truth just as you do too.

I am 18

We have had massive argument.

I do love her.

She has basically said change or she will not love me

I have become too clingy etc

Phelpsie-
If someone is forcing you to change then they don't love you for you.
Do you really want to be in a relationship with a person who does not love the real you?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Phelpsie001

i am 18

we have had massive arguement.

i do love her.

she has basically said change or she will not love me

i have become too clingy etc

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Stop wasting your time and get a real person to talk to. THIS IS NOT LOVE, its sick! Get help and turn off that computer.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by auntie_ray_ray

I can't say i know what youre going through because i havent experienced it myself but i did see the pain it caused my friend when she couldnt physically be with him.

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This is an excellent point here. This is the absolute worst part, the feeling of total helplessness at being able to do relatively little, even by phone, when the person is going through tougher times. That alone is something that I personally, do not care to ever really experience again.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Phelpsie001

i am 18

we have had massive arguement.

i do love her.

she has basically said change or she will not love me

i have become too clingy etc

---

I agree, if she's asking you to change, she probably doesn't really love you, at least not unconditionally.
Clingy? Over the Internet? While I agree this might be possible in some very odd regard, yet I feel this would to denote some serious intimacy issues on her part as well. And perhaps this is why she has chosen to try to form a relationship over the net, "safe" attention. To a great degree, wholly on her terms.

Hi there,

I have to agree with all the advice given here. This woman is really messing with you and I would say to get the strength to break away before she hurts and makes a fool of you anymore. Read what you have wrote and look at everyone else's response which are really singing the same theme. Good luck and you will meet someone but preferably someone you can meet face to face regularly.

If you have never met - forget it. This is sick. 11 months and no meeting?? Weird.

The whole point of meeting on the internet is to get together as soon as possible and see.

She is HIDING something. Big time.

This is fake. It's NOT healthy at all.

I also think she may be getting her jollies about this.

You CAN'T love someoen you've never met!! Weird.

My advice for you is to go seek conseling - you have some massive issues here. There is nothiing between the two of you.