My best friend was in love with me from the moment we met. We had met on the 13th April 2009. He was a surfer and was just truly amazing. I liked him of course, but somehow I couldn't fall in love with him and I always had another guy around.. he would always get cut. We were on and off together.. until November. We had an argument because he got a surfing scholarship to the US and was moving on the next Tuesday... I told him that I didn't want him to go.. and he said it was up to me whether he actually went. I told him to go in the end because its his future.. and I wasn't..
He said.. when he goes and gets professional he'll ask me to marry him.. he loved me with everything he had and he'd never forget it... and then he asked me if I would actually marry him.. and I didn't know what to say. I was blank.. a few minutes later I said he meant the world to me and that's why I couldn't marry him. I'm sixteen ffs, I was scared. We had a fight and he started hating me... and I hated him back. We didn't talk for a week... then his cousin that I'm close with told me he was in hospital after a car accident, he had a collapsed lung. And that he was asking for me and wanted me to know he loved me. I was still so angry and I wasn't going all the way to newcastle to see him... he then had a blood clot, and was in a coma... for his familys sake I agreed to go see him on the Thursday. As this was Tuesday night.. and keep in mind these were during my school certificate exams... on Thursday instead of going to see him... I went ice skating for sport at school with my friends. I was just too angry to see him.. then I was told he died on that Wednesday night.. at 11:23 pm. Since then the only time I look at the clock at night is at 11:23, even if I'm asleep. Ill wake up at 11;23. And I still see him.. he lys on my bed.. he stands with me at school.. I see him walking.. I see him everywhere. And he talks to me.. he asks me why I never loved him.. I got so angry about it that I punched a painting I had done for him after he died...

You are not insane. Not yet.
If you carry on the way you are going you will become insane.
Please get professional help as soon
As possible.

The only way to get rid of ths is to forgive. Not him, but yourself. Your obsessing and that's going to eventually kill you. Try talking to someone. Or go to his family and explain to them why you didn't see him. Then ask to go see his grave.