Ask Me Help Desk - Daddy questions.

I always knew the day would come when my daughter asked where her father was. I just didn’t think it would be when she was 2!
The other night as we were laying in bed watching cartoons, she asked me “where’s my dad”?
I told her that he lives very far away.

( I will give you guys the edited version, we dated for 3 years, got engaged, got pregnant, the whole time he was pretty abusive both mentally and physically, when I became pregnant, I decided it wasn’t just my life I was ruining, but now I had someone else to think about. I left him, and he left the Provence when she was 2 months old. I have since been doing very well for myself, own my own home, car, I have a successful job. I have asked him numerous times to help me financially, he either ends up quitting his job, or getting a job where he gets paid “under the table”. Every 6 months I guess he feels guilty and deposits $20-$40 in her bank account, which is still there untouched. It’s my fault for not pursuing child support, but that’s not that I am asking about…)
The next night again same scenario, she asks where her dad is, I told her that her father lives in Winnipeg, she asked me if I was going to find her dad for her. I had no response for that. I just tickled the question away.
SO how do I respond to this? How do I explain this to her? What do I reply when she asks me to find her father for her? I really come up empty handed, and have been racking my brain for days now. Every night she asks about him and I even over heard her telling one of the little boys at daycare that her daddy lives in Winnipeg.

Obviously I don’t want to tell her all the gory details, and I don’t wanted her to have a jaded point of view on her “father” I am sure if he does not change she will be able to form that opinion on her own without my help.

Has he ever expressed any desire to know her? Or see her? Would you and her father be open to considering visitation? Or maybe at least a phone call so she can ask him where he is and why he's not with her? I don't know how you tell a 2 year old you left their father because he was abusive without being biased. I know I sure couldn't do it.

Yes while he is in Manitoba, he tells his friends that he misses her and loves her, and I was an evil woman I am and I took her away from him. Yes I went to visit family for 2 weeks when she was 2 months old (this was when he decided to leave the Province) but they key word here was VISIT as in I would be returning. He did it to spite me, not because I took her away from him. He was and always will be selfish. He has his own daddy and mommy issues. That's another story.
He has called her once when she was 6 months he was drunk and (luckily she was too young to understand anything he was saying) kept saying "I'm your daddy, I love you so much, do you know who I am?" At this point I think that would lead to more confusion, as he would only want to talk to her to make himself feel better about the situation instead of trying to answer her questions. What do I say to her when she asks me to find her daddy for her? Do I say someday, or agree to it, do I say no? Like I feel every possible answer could lead to either a broken heart or further confusion!
I would be up to a visitation, only if he came to my Province, and found his own accommodations and place to stay. But that would never happen. He would still expect me to accommodate him and let him stay with me, and if I don't agree to that, then I am the one in the wrong. I am the sole reason he doesn't visit his daughter.

Yeah. This is tough. Someday sounds like a good answer. It's not a no. but it doesn't have to mean tomorrow or any time too soon so you can buy yourself sometime to figure out how to best let her get to know him later. I think as long as you're honest with her it'll work out OK. Sounds like even at 2 years old she's pretty smart little girl already.

Thanks. Someday it is!
I do have to admit, she is pretty freaking smart. I think they are learning about families at daycare.

I agree, she's a clever little one.

I would give her an honest answer. Tell her that he is in Winnipeg now, but that it is a far away place, and you do not know when you will ever see him again.

Keep it simple. If she asks again, tell her the same thing so that she settles with the idea that 'someday' might happen, but nobody knows when.

Because there has been no bonding between her and her father, she has nothing to reference him to. For example she cannot know a relationship with him, or remember happy times, or even miss him, because he's never been there.

Until the situation changes dramatically, and you decide she is old enough and mature enough to go through the emotional upheaval of meeting her father, I would continue as you have been.

It is you that has the golden word here, she is not burdened with anything other than a question that most likely will be satisfied with a straight forward, age appropriate, answer.

Thanks Jake, that is pretty sound advice. I wonder how she ver picked it up to begin with. Probably with seeing me and my father and hearing me call him dad etc. I dated a guy since she was 6 months old, we only recently broke up (septemberish) I think she referenced "dad" to him.

Thank you guys so much for your responses, and anyone else who has been in this situation your input woud be much appreciated. Especially with dealing with the whole situation when she gets older.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Aurora_Bell

Thanks Jake, that is pretty sound advice. I wonder how she ver picked it up to begin with. Probably with seeing me and my father and hearing me call him dad ect. I dated a guy since she was 6 months old, we only recently broke up (septemberish) I think she referenced "dad" to him.

This brings up a question, is she asking about her biological father or your more recent ex-boyfriend who she may associate with the title 'daddy'?

I definitely think it is the recent ex. She called him "Bob"... fake name...
And I think she was using his name in the same sentence as the daddy question... Either way I don't want her to think that "Bob" is her father, and I still don't know what to say when she asks me to find her daddy for her. Should I make more of an emphasis explaining that Bob is not her father? If so, would I just repeat Bob isn't your dad if she sort of brings it up again?

Hey Auroa... You did the right thing! I left my first husband and brought my child back to where I knew he would never dare touch me or my daughter again. It's much better to raise your child in a healty, happy atomsphere and feel safe. You sound like a great mom and it's natural for a child to ask questions about an absent parent. As for the father he sounds like my ex. The booze brings the guilt.

Sounds like you really have it all together. As for child support, if you can, do without it for a year then wait and when he least expects it, sock it to him! Hit him where it hurts and that's in the wallet! Your child is the most important thing in your life I can tell. Sooner or later she will want to meet him and then after that she'll learn for herself if he is worthy of her love. Usually after the first time or two when the ex realizes there's more to being a father than taking them to the zoo or to a movie, he'll stop the visits.Hope I helped.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Aurora_Bell

I definitly think it is the recent ex. She called him "Bob"... fake name...
and I think she was useing his name in the same sentance as the daddy question... Either way I don't want her to think that "Bob" is her father, and I still don't know what to say when she asks me to find her daddy for her. Should I make more of an emphasis explaining that Bob is not her father? If so, would I just repeat Bob isn't your dad if she sort of brings it up again?

Yep, I would just tell her that Bob isn't her real dad, and that her real dad lives a long way away. She's only 2 - so no need for complex explanations... although knowing kids these days, it might not be too long before you need to provide more details!

If she's asking you to find her real daddy, perhaps you can say that he'll find her when he's ready, and that might be a while because you haven't heard from him and that must mean he's real busy.

Wow excellent idea!Thank you.