My boyfriend has been in touch with his ex, I went through his stuff and found messages from her, saying she misses him, calling him honey etc. He got really upset with me and broke up. Then I knew he cared and we met to talk it over. We went back for a week, but then I found messages again. He said she is playing with me as she is being jealous. I asked him to call her in front of me to clear things up, he said he won't do that. I left the place where we met, got on the bus and went home. Haven't called him (neither he did) etc. I really miss him. Did I make the right thing leaving him behind? What should I do?

He is not loyal to you. You did the right thing! Stay no contact, even though it's hard. You deserve someone better.

I know that they have been in a long-term relationship, and they might have a good connection. She helped him with lawers to fight for his daughter that he has from previous relationship years ago. But her messages were just over the top. He said she know about me, keeps asking questions and is very jelaous. He said that is why she keeps texting him to play with me. He apparently spoke to her already, but he is certain things would not change. I guess, if he really cared about me he would not let her have such an emotional connection with him. Is that right? He said I have a problem of being too controlling, that he cannot be with someone who is checking his phone all the time. Did I have a right to do so? I had my suspicions... Did I have a right to ask him to call her in front of me?


He said he was hiding this "friendship" as he was being protective towards me. He didn't want to make me feel insecure and he didn't want to loose me. Does it makes sense? Was I really just over the top with him?

It seems to me you did not really leave him behind. It also seems to me that he has never really left his ex ex behind.

So guess what, you need to end the relationship and no matter what do not go back to him.

He is playing with you. He is trying to seem like the good guy but I think you are better off without, maybe it is the other way around too.

Whether it is true or not, that relationship is not over yet. If there are no secrets and nothing going on then did he really need to hide this so called friendship?

Are you the jealous type and get jealous over everything then I would say that maybe he felt he needed to hide it because you would over react.

The thing is there is no trust here, and this relationship is over.

Find somebody that does not have a connection to somebody else you will be better off.

Thank you. I am not a very jealous type. He definitely is and he is just judging me from his own perspective. He would make arguments with me about speaking to my male friends, and he would always suspect, that there was always something going on. But of course it was just his imagination.

No, it was not in his imagination. Usually when somebody in the relationship. Example your boyfriend is always accusing you and is jealous or suspects something usually means he is trying to deflect attention off himself because he is doing exactly what he is not wanting you to do. He is suspicious or jealous because he is carrying on a relationship with his ex without you knowing. Do you know what I am saying here?

He IS THE GUILTY PARTY, but wants you to feel miserable and guilty so he gets of Scott free for his behavior.

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Originally Posted by Jesushelper76

No, it was not in his imagination. Usually when somebody in the relationship. Example your boyfriend is always accusing you and is jealous or suspects something usually means he is trying to deflect attention off himself because he is doing exactly what he is not wanting you to do. He is suspicious or jealous because he is carrying on a relationship with his ex without you knowing. Do you know what I am saying here?

He IS THE GUILTY PARTY, but wants you to feel miserable and guilty so he gets of Scott free for his behavior.

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I never actually think about it before. Thank you for your reflection on that. I was always looking for faults in my behaviour, whereas it might have been him all time time playing on me. It is hard, after such a long time to feel you may have been just a toy in somebody's life, whereas he was always a priority in yours.

I'm going to go against the others here, in a way. On your side, he should have told his ex that if there is going to be a friendship that she needs to stop with those messages and keep it strictly platonic. But on his side, you are way too controlling. If I was dating someone and they were going through my phone, you would be out the door in second. That is my private property and unless you pay the bill you have no right to go through it. You wouldn't like it if he was going through your diary or something personal like that.

I'd also like to add what's good for the goose is good for the gander, you have male friends, he has female friends. You can't have it one way.

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Originally Posted by Romefalls19

I'm going to go against the others here, in a way. On your side, he should have told his ex that if there is going to be a friendship that she needs to stop with those messages and keep it strictly platonic. But on his side, you are way too controlling. If I was dating someone and they were going through my phone, you would be out the door in second. That is my private property and unless you pay the bill you have no right to go through it. You wouldn't like it if he was going through your diary or something personal like that.

I'd also like to add what's good for the goose is good for the gander, you have male friends, he has female friends. You can't have it one way.

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I understand what you are saying, and I don't feel great about invading his privacy. But I had me reasons to do so. He lied to me many times in little things. My gut also told me that he is not 100% there with me. But I never suspected any cheating etc. I just wanted to see who did he call to, when he left the house to go shopping apparently, at 10pm in the evening. Then I saw the message from her. And this is where it started.
I haven't been in touch with him since we spoke and I left the place we met, got on the bus and went home. I only asked him to call his ex, so she can stop doing that. I told him he can be friends with her, but those messages that he is allowing( or even ignoring- as he said he is) are just over the top. He didn't agreed to call her as he said that would not change anyting inside me. He is wrong. I would gain my trust in him and it would prove me that nothing really happened. But I can never be 100% sure now.
What would you say if I text him to admit that I should have talked to him instead of going through his stuff, and I am sorry for it, but also that he should have been honest and straightforward with me about what is going on. To also say that we both made mistakes... I feel bad about doing that, but also he lied to me and didn't make the last effort to clear things up with her in front of me.

For you, invading his privacy is definitely a breach of his trust and your insecurities are shown, regardless of whether you are the jealous type.

For him, allowing continuous intimate text messages with his ex means that he's not completely over her. Therefore, you're the rebound.

Even if you got back together, there's a lot of work to do to repair the relationship. If you BOTH aren't committed or on the same page, this will only blow up again.

Maybe one day, when he completely gets over his ex and you can overcome your insecurities about him, then you can have a mature relationship. But until then, no point forcing the issue as relationships should be more natural.

Honestly, I don't believe you. When people have an insecurity issue like you do, even after he did that to satisfy you you would still find something to worry about and check his phone again. And I can say this because I have done it, I used to be this insecure person as well.

And also, I would be angry if my fiancé asked me to call that person in front of her like I was some little kid. It would be seen as a lack of respect shown to me in my eyes. Perhaps asking him to text her asking her to please stop with those text messages would have yielded better results. It's not about what you ask, but how you ask it. You always get better results by asking someone to do something rather than telling them to do it

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Originally Posted by Romefalls19

Honestly, I don't believe you. When people have an insecurity issue like you do, even after he did that to satisfy you you would still find something to worry about and check his phone again. And I can say this because I have done it, I used to be this insecure person as well.

And also, I would be angry if my fiance asked me to call that person in front of her like I was some little kid. It would be seen as a lack of respect shown to me in my eyes. Perhaps asking him to text her asking her to please stop with those text messages would have yielded better results. It's not about what you ask, but how you ask it. You always get better results by asking someone to do something rather than telling them to do it

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I didn't tell him to call her, I asked about it. He refused, therefore I left. He made a conscious choice. For me there were too many things unsaid to be able to trust him, without him doing anything to prove me wrong.
Messages from her saying "my honey", "I am sorting out our papers to get our mortgage", "I miss you" etc. He has not been honest with me.
Insecurity doesn't happen without a reason... it just doesn't appear in your head. There are situations in your life that feeds up the feeling.

I understand that there are things that lead up to it, but it also starts with a lot more than just one relationship. It goes back to being a child and most cases, even middle to high school levels about being insecure with yourself that proof to damage healthy relationships.

No trust = no relationship.

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Originally Posted by Romefalls19

I understand that there are things that lead up to it, but it also starts with a lot more than just one relationship. It goes back to being a child and most cases, even middle to high school levels about being insecure with yourself that proof to damage healthy relationships.

No trust = no relationship.

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It sound like I should now apologise him for being so insecure??

The point is he was hiding something. The point is there is no trust in the relationship. All said and done for both sides it is better to end it. Let him go back to his ex, and you can work on your insecurities before getting into another relationship. They are there, but I would not take all the blame in the relationship that is not fair to you, in my own opinion. There are reasons, and reactions for every situation that came up.

Do not apologize to him for being insecure. You yourself said there were reasons for feeling that way.

Anyway, in the end of the day the relationship is over anyway? Is it not?

No I'm not saying to do that. You both made mistakes in the relationship, him lying and you snooping. The relationship can't be fixed after that, once trust is broken you can rarely get it back. Don't apologize for it, both of you need to work on things apart from each other.

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Originally Posted by Jesushelper76

Do not apologize to him for being insecure. You yourself said there were reasons for feeling that way.

Anyway, in the end of the day the relationship is over anyway? is it not?

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Yes, the relationship is over. We haven't been in touch. I don't feel like going back at all. Too many things happened. Thank you for you help.

Leaving, and staying gone is a wise course of action.

I second that.
Stay away and heal from the breakup.