Ask Me Help Desk - Married for one year but mind is elsewhere...

Hi everyone...

I have a burning issue in my mind and just have to let some of it out and see what people think.

I am 23 and have been married for one year, I met my wife 6 years ago and the tender age of 17 and she is the only woman I have ever been with. However I feel very confused as there is a woman at work for whom I have very strong feelings for, we are good friends, and that is all I will ever let it be while I am with my wife because I am just not that kind of person, I couldn't do it to my wife and live with the guilt but also it would just be wrong in so many fundamental ways within my own being.

I love my wife, but I think we got married too young and when I look deep down in my heart I fear it may have been because I was in a hurry to grow up, and now cracks are showing on the surface. I am an incredibly easy going person and I don't let life get me down, my life has experienced a few major upsets that have given me a very good outlook on life and the problems of the world seem to wash over me, whereas my wife lets the smallest thing get her down and she will generally come home from work in an argumentative mood and I find myself avoiding spending time with her because while she is like this I just don't want to be around her. We just don't seem very compatible and I think although nothing has ever really changed between us, the problems have only recently started to bother me. The thing that really hit home was the fact that if I am going out I would generally always prefer to go with friends or alone and not my wife, which I think is quite wrong on a fundamental basis - I think this may be due to my wife being a very controlling person and it clashes with my being a very free spirited person.

I find myself thinking about this woman at work all weekend when I should be concentrating on my home life, I just can't wait to get back in on Monday to spend more time with her, it is just so comfortable and we have a lot of fun, however, although there is a definite spark there she also has a boyfriend and I very much doubt she would cheat on him as she has similar integrity to me, we do however flirt a lot and I find it so enjoyable it is just so hard to resist.

Something that troubles me is that I have found plenty of women sexually attractive before, but with this girl at work its not a burning desire to jump into the sack with her of anything as superficial as that, it is a much deeper feeling of wanting to be around her all the time, of course there are sexual feelings there also, but it goes much deeper which is what worries me.

I guess I am just asking for some guidance from people with more years and wisdom than me. Am I finding this woman at work so attractive because my relationship with my wife is not all I thought it would be? Because I got married too young and am wondering about the "other side of the fence"?

Man I am so confused about it all, any advice would be gratefully received.

As I see it, your problem is, all us men feel the same way you do, but most of us have learned to deal with our feelings and not make idiots of ourselves, any more. What you think I'm in sloppy love with my wife of over 32 years? She pisses me off often, as will any female that you have to see a lot of. The deal is knowing how to handle it and trust me at 52 all females look good to me and even the ones I haven't seen yet. So please don't feel like you're the only man going through these things. We all have and continue to deal with I, that's just life.
A word to the wise though, No matter what feelings you have for other females though, never let them interfere with the relationship between you and your wife. This is a lifetime give and take learning experience, no matter how mad she makes you, or how cute others are. Stay focused on what's important and let the rest ride, if you are patient and give yourself time to grow you will see that things fall into place fairly easily. Hope I helped some, it ain't as easy as I make it look.

Let's start with the fact that you are already cheating. Emotionally. It seems as though you have become emotionally detached from your wife, and emotionally attached to this "other woman."

Second, have you sat down and had a heart-to-heart talk with your wife about what the 2 of you are going through? If you have not, understand that she cannot read your mind, and does not know that she is upsetting you.

Have you planned a date night with your wife recently? Just the 2 of you to a movie and dinner perhaps. There was once a spark between you, now you just have to find it again.

First and foremost you need to talk to your wife and get your life back in order. Counseling may be an option if she is controlling and you are easygoing. You have to find a happy medium.

Oooooh, this brings back painful memories. I also married at 22, also a virgin. We split up after 3 years and have had no contact for over thirty years. I initiated the breakup, and while I do have some regrets about it, it's hard to say whether the mistake was getting married in the first place, or splitting up. I have no way of knowing what kind of life we would have had if we had stayed together, but I have had a generally happy and productive life without her. Many of the most valuable lessons I've learned have come from relationships I would never have had if we'd stayed together. But maybe I could have learned those lessons in that relationship as well. My point is, life is not a controlled experiment, and you don't get do-overs, so you have to make your choices and proceed without ever knowing what would have happened if you'd made a different choice.

All I can say for sure based on your post is that it's not about the girl at work you're so captivated by. Your friendship with her is the canary in the coal mine that's telling you there's a big problem at hand. You're at the point where you have decide whether your marriage is worth the considerable effort it will require to salvage it. My advice is to give it all you have and make every effort to do that. This won't be quick, and it sure won't be easy. It will probably take at least a year, maybe more. While you're working through it, put as much distance between yourself and work girl as you can, maybe even change jobs if that's feasible. If you do eventually split up, don't jump immediately into another relationship because it will almost certainly be a repeat (with minor variations) of the relationship with your wife. My mother told me one time that her twenties were the hardest decade of her life, and it was true for me as well. One of the biggest fictions around is that you're a fully mature adult at 21. Not true. It takes at least another decade, so pace yourself.

I have nightmare stories on that also,

My best advice, change jobs ( really) get away from that women, go to marriage counseling with your wife to grow closer to her.

Your wife is more important than other people, your job, and everything,
Once you realise that, love will grow

This is all great advice on here Roland. I do agree with distancing yourself from the girl. Not sure about changing jobs though. I say that because, the state you are currently in, someone else at the next job could look just as appealing. So hopefully there is no need to disrupt your career.

The young lady at work is your escape from the things at home that you do not wish to face. I applaud you for seeking help FIRST and not doing what could APPEAR to be the more fun and exhilarting (false as it may be) route.

I do remember my first year of marriage... oh my oh my and oh my. Toughest year, but with wisdom, patience, unselfishness, COMMUNICATION and consideration, it does get better than the first year.

Here's a little hint about the cuties in the office... they will look nice, listen to ever word that you say, laugh at your silly jokes and make you feel on top of the world. However,
They will not be the ones by your side when the going gets tough, when life throws you curve balls, it will be your partner, better known as the one you chosen to be your wife.
So please, sit down with your wife and have that chat. Give it the same attention you apply when racing into the office on a Monday morning to see the office girl.

I am sure the young lady at the office is all that you say she is, but one thing she is not, and that is, the one your promised to love, through good and bad times, the one who, I am sure, proudly calls herself your wife.

I do wish you the very best and especially am impressed, due to your young age, of being able to recognize when it is time to stop in your tracks and think things through.

Thank you all very much for these words of wisdom, I will definitely have a good hard think about what you have all said.

I think one major issue I have to get over is the other side of the fense thing, only ever being with one woman in this day and age is something that plays on my mind (too much) and although when I really think about it, it doesn't matter all that much, it still bothers me and I just hope it's a feeling that will pass.

I'm glad I joined this forum, you've been very helpful and I thank you very much :) - but please if anybody else has some advice please let rip...

I must remind myself that although we have only been married for one year we have been together nearly 7, so my feelings for this girl at work are the kind of refreshing feelings you get at the start of a relationship but with my wife we have shared a third of our lives and it goes much deeper.

I am still confused and have a lot of thinking to do, but I feel a bit better so thanks :)

Quote:

Originally Posted by Roland1983

only ever being with one woman in this day and age is something that plays on my mind (too much) and although when i really think about it, it doesn't matter all that much, it still bothers me and i just hope its a feeling that will pass.

I too hope it is a feeling that will pass because, "this day in age" it is something to be proud of.

You should be proud of yourself for this achievement. You should look at the woman who you gave your soul to and be happy knowing she is the only one who knows you so personally and so profoundly.

You risk losing what so many people wish for.

Think long and hard about your decision, it could be the best, or worst, you have ever made.

The "outside" attraction happens to married people of both genders. But where I see the problem in this is the amount of deterioration your relationship has experienced and how lightly I see that being addressed. With the kind of distance that has occurred in yours, the seeds of doubt have been planted, watered and are now growing. Your outside attraction is but one manifestation of that. So is the concern that you have not "known" other women. I would advise you to take some initiative to do something about the lack of enjoyment in your relationship and soon too -- it's the kind of thing that ignoring will buy you more of the same until you do something about it or part ways. For the married folks who are enjoying their relationship (and its by no means perfect either) handling outside attractions are an enjoyable non-problem-- at least that's how it is in my crowd. You have a right to be happy in your marriage, but you may have to work for it!

Roland1983,

I'm new here so I hope you don't mind me answering your post. You strike me as being a very mature young man. In my experience, not many 23 year old would ask for or be willing to listen to someone else's advice on their relationships.

I think you need to be very careful here for two reasons. The first one being, of course, your young wife. Saying she comes home tired and argumentative... Perhaps she is still getting used to being married, working, and running a home. I take it you help with the household chores.

Now for number two... Do you like your job? Do you want to stay working there? In my experience these work related 'acquaintances' don't usually work out too well. Most of the time people are just trying to get through the day, I'm not saying that's what you are doing. But it might be what she's doing - Just having a bit of fun.

You have only been married a year, it sounds to me like your wife could benefit from you spending more time with her. Bring her some flowers and put a smile on your face - and hers.

Quote:

Now for number two... Do you like your job? Do you want to stay working there? In my experience these work related 'acquaintances' don't usually work out too well. Most of the time people are just trying to get through the day, I'm not saying that's what you are doing. But it might be what she's doing - Just having a bit of fun

As a wise person once said, Know the difference between Fools' Gold and REAL Gold, which is why you should be putting in time with your young wife and leave young thing at work alone.

All very good advice.. Incredible.

And Tal you crack me up!! I will have to ask hubby if he is sloppy in love with me and if I p's him off most of the time and if he finds other women attractive even those he hasn't seen... way too funny.! Oh this should start lots of fun in the Allheart home. :)

Thanks Tal, I am sure I will be back, probably needing some expert help and guidance, and wonder if any of you can help me with deciphering all the stammering I am sure hubby will do :). Thanks for the insight Tal!! :) (Hope you know I am just having a little fun... sometimes all the heavyiness gets to me... and I just need to share a chuckle.. hope you don't mind... "sloppy in love."... I love it! )

In all seriousness, great advice everyone. Roland, with all this wisdom, I just know it will help you.