As some of you know, I lost my baby around the end of November last year, when I was about three months pregnant. I loved my baby dearly, Leon, as it’s father named it. For a while, after about a month of pure mourning, I was doing okay. But lately, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about the baby that was supposed to be mine. I can’t stop blaming myself and my fiancé and it tears me apart. The other night I had a dream in which the baby came to me. I held him and felt everything. He looked just like his father, but with my eyes. I can’t stop thinking about my baby: what could’ve been and what should’ve been. It’s taking over my life and I don’t know what to do.

I'm sorry, I didn't know.
Losing a baby is so very hard, even for the strongest of people. It is possible you could experience post partum depression in addition to normal mourning, as if there is anything not normal about mourning~ there isn't. You should call your doctor's office and make an appointment to talk about how you are feeling. There is no set time frame for working your way through the loss of a child. But your grief could be compounded by post partum depression, and your doctor can either rule that out, or treat it so that you can regain control and go on with the business of living. Your doctor may suggest a support group, or other kinds of help, like medication and/or a therapist to help guide you through this.

You never get over the loss. BUT, you have to tell yourself, my child would want me to move on. I had a boy that (had I carried to term) would have die at birth. I had to make the excruciating decision to terminate my pregnancy at 15 1/2 weeks. I named him Adam Patrick. It was the hardest thing I had to do, and part of me felt I did the wrong thing, cause I wanted a child so bad. Afterwards(when I went through the greivig process) I knew that if I wanted to try for a successful pregnancy, I could'nt let the depression stop me. And you know what? I got pregnant within 6 months and had a healthy baby girl. Plant a tree in honor of your baby. I planted a flowering bush against my house(ironicly, it's never bloomed). When you dig the hole, place something that represents your loss at the bottom first. It will help you heal. I'll never forget Adam. And sometimes I think of him and cry. But seeing my daughter reminds me that he made a sacrifice so she would come into my life. He gave me a precious gift. Someday, I'll be able to thank him.

My family can't know... not my parents at least. Everything suggested is great advice. But they would attract attention to the situation.

Thank you so much for your efforts though

The father refuses to talk to me about this. How can get him to?

You can't. You can't make someone talk to you about it. If you need to talk to someone and you can't tell your parents, and your boyfriend won't talk to you about it, it might help to write it in a journal. Or you can post your thoughts here.

I don't write journals... Last time I did my parents found it and literallly punished me for being depressed

Not allowed to be sad huh? Well, do you feel safe telling us here how bad you feel? I think we can take it here without feeling you should be punished. Are you doing anything to try to help yourself, other than trying to get your boyfriend to talk to you about how miserable you feel?

I can't tell everyone on here what happened. They'll hate me

Why do you think everyone would hate you?

Because... I did something evil

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Originally Posted by xXxEmOxXxPrInCeSsxXx

because... I did something evil

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And you don't think any of us have? I read back over your posts and found this someone had said to you in a different situation, but it holds true now. It's time you read it again -- There's strength in you, so find it, use it. You're not nearly as weak as you think. I've seen the strength in you, now you just have to see it. You have the ability to change your whole life. Don't let your past define you. Don't let your circumstances determine who you're going to be. You and only you can make that choice. Either you let your circumstances control you or you control them. You have the backbone, so use it. I have faith that you can do this. I have faith in you. Now all we need is for you to have faith in yourself.

Emo, the time has come for you to share your secret with a counselor. That person is not supposed to break your confidentiality without your permission, even though you are still a minor. To feel more confident, make sure of that yourself before you confide something.

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Originally Posted by Wondergirl

And you don't think any of us have? I read back over your posts and found this someone had said to you in a different situation, but it holds true now. It's time you read it again -- There's strength in you, so find it, use it. You're not nearly as weak as you think. I've seen the strength in you, now you just have to see it. You have the ability to change your whole life. Don't let your past define you. Don't let your circumstances determine who you're going to be. You and only you can make that choice. Either you let your circumstances control you or you control them. You have the backbone, so use it. I have faith that you can do this. I have faith in you. Now all we need is for you to have faith in yourself.

Emo, the time has come for you to share your secret with a counselor. That person is not supposed to break your confidentiality without your permission, even though you are still a minor. To feel more confident, make sure of that yourself before you confide something.

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I can't... And I doubt anyone has done something this evil

Evil is a value judgement. I am not here to judge you. This is the "Bereavement" section of ask me help desk.

Anyone responding to your post should be offering you help, not judging whether you have done something evil.

I was breaking down. Everyone was at me... I was going insane... My fiancé told me I had to get rid of it by taking pills or he'd kill himself... he called and said he'd do it that second if I didn't

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Originally Posted by xXxEmOxXxPrInCeSsxXx

I can't... And I doubt anyone has done something this evil

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One would like to think that, but people have been committing evil acts for thousands and thousands of years. You need to forgive yourself.

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Originally Posted by Wondergirl

One would like to think that, but people have been committing evil acts for thousands and thousands of years. You need to forgive yourself.

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I meant on here

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Originally Posted by xXxEmOxXxPrInCeSsxXx

i meant on here

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I don't know what that means.

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Originally Posted by Wondergirl

I don't know what that means.

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I meant no one on here (AMHD) has done something this evil

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Originally Posted by xXxEmOxXxPrInCeSsxXx

i meant no one on here (AMHD) has done something this evil

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No, of course not. And as long as you believe that, there is nothing we can do to help you.