Tragically my father in law and his wife were killed in a car crash in November 2009 and this has affected my husband really badly, I always knew it would as his father and him had a bond that most father and son seldom find. Since their death my husband has quit his job and he split with me at christmas, we later reconciled only for him to walk out again last week again without reason,he is now living with another women in a nearby town and wasting his dads inheritance. I know that he hasn't properley grieved for his father yet and I'm scared that when he does he won't have anyone who loves him around him to help him. How do I make him see that his sister her boyfriend and their two children and myself have lost these two amazing people as well? and do I wait for him or will he never come back? I understand he is young as he is only 22 and will that make it harder for him?
Any help would be appriciated thanks fenech xx

Hello Fenech,


This is a very sad post and I would like to commend you for having the courage to post it.

I will try to answer you as best I can and would ask your indulgence as it is a lengthy reply.

It is no more than about three months since your husband lost his parents and this is not a great length of time.

We all lose someone near and dear to us at some stage in our lives and we all grieve differently.

Your husband is already grieving but this grief is affecting him much more than usual, probably because of the great bond he had with his parents

This is magnified by the way and suddenness of the way in which his parents died.

In a way you have partially answered your own question when you say that so many people are there for him and want to help share the burden of his, and your loss.

Unfortunately there is not a great deal you and those who care for him can do to comfort him because mourning is a personal thing and he has to find a way of coping with it.

I am sure he will eventually learn to accept and cope with the loss of his parents, but it may be a long process.

In the meantime let him know that even though he has chosen to leave you and has moved in with another woman, you still love him dearly and that you and many other people want to help him to share the burden and you are all there for him at anytime or whenever he needs you.

Let him know that although none of you can understand how terribly he is feeling because you have not lost your parents (I am assuming that is the case) but you are all suffering the loss of, as you say "these two amazing people".

It is sad that he decided to quit his job and to move in with another woman so quickly but I have a feeling this is part and parcel of the way he is grieving.

It is very probable that he does not really realize what he is doing as his grief is so strong.

I also get the impression that you would welcome him back with open arms if and when he realizes how much hurt he has caused you and others and how much love you and they have for him.

I am sure he does not realize how much the loss has affected others, or the hurt they are feeling for him because he is understandably caught up in his own grief.

I am sure you and everyone else are keeping as close an eye on him as possible because I am concerned that what he is going through at the moment may lead to an emotional and nervous breakdown.

One other thing you should tell him is that nothing he feels, says or does can bring back these two wonderful people and those who feel the loss need to help each other to try to understand and accept the fact that they are no longer with them.

Try to get him to think more of the good times his parents and he shared together, I am sure there were 1000s.

I don't know what your and his feelings are about life after death but if he believes remind him that they are watching over him and they would not want to see him suffer the way he is and you know that they would want to see him happy again.

He will never forget his parents but eventually he must continue living his life and try to pick up the pieces.

My heartfelt condolences to your husband, you and all those who loved your husband's parents and who love him.

John
(Cy)