Ask Me Help Desk - Please Help.

Hi, up until about 3 years ago my life revolved around stupidity's like drug trafficking and violence. On that turning point I saw what someone had turned into because of what I had gotten them into. I't was not pretty. Till this day I have spent every waking moment trying to make up for this. Since that day I have never Fought for my pride. I have never walked past and aloud someone to be abused. I have not taken or had anything to do with a drug. I have even refrained from hitting people back. I just look into there eyes... If I can, and wait for it to be over. I do not have a god nor am I willing to start believing now I think if I can do good then it is to change this ty world I live in for the people of tomorrow. Not to benefit myself in an after life. Anyway. 3 years and not one slip up. I had a rough childhood with the watching of my mothers death. An unfortunate thing caused by illness that I was not meant to see. But I never felt sorry for myself for that. In a way it made me more independent. I've been with my girlfriend for about 15 months now. She is beautiful but looks have never been a big thing to me anyway. She thinks very low of herself despite that I tell her she is beautiful every day. But she is obsessed with changing herself. I know loads of girls want surgery to change how they look etc. and if she does actually go through with that I will stand by her. Its just I'm miserable. After everything I have done. 3 years of being pushed around by anyone who wants to push me unless they wanted to hurt someone else I would start anything violent. Ive been through your typical child hood hell and still came out with a smile. You know grit you teeth move on kind of thing. But I can't handle seeing the person I love so much so depressed every day over how she looks. I mean self harm. Dangerous diets. There's nothing I can do. She tries to get help but then find a reason why she hates the counciler or psychiatrist. My friends tell me to walk away because if I ever tell her its hurting me it becomes about her. I mean its not like she has an off button. They think I deserve better. But you don't just leave when someone you love is sick do you? Well I don't. Everything's a mess. I don't sleep much now. Too busy thinking how my life is. I have her complain or jealous or upset or something new and negative every five minuets. I'm losing my mind. Please if anyone knows what I'm doing wrong just tell me Thank you so much for reading all of this. Your most probably a very descent person in doing so. Thank you.

Maybe it's time for you to lead the way and see a counselor.

Oh trust me. I have done and still do. All they tell me is blah blah blah for my own good I should walk away. Good point it was stupid not to include that I have done that. I would have said the same thing to me. Thus I have actually taken that step.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Outsider-Lost

Oh trust me. i have done and still do. all they tell me is blah blah blah for my own good i should walk away. good point it was stupid not to include that i have done that. i would have said the same thing to me. thus i have actualy taken that step.

You don't want to walk away. For sure. You want to fix this with her somehow.

(I'm a counselor and wouldn't have told you what the others said. I'm surprised they did. I work with my clients to find solutions the clients want, and together we figure out how to make things fall in line.)

The one I mean. Don't know why I refured in plural perhaps I should try another. I think his judgement was made based on my age and the level of commitment I've put into a relationship. He meant it in a way of I don't need all this grief at this stage in my life. I'm 18. I work full time. Well I zombie full time atm because of sleep dep. But ergh I don't know. She doesn't want to help herself. She will use silly things like her previous counsellors opinion on animal to human equality wich is a question she asked. As a reason to stop going. Its really because she doesn't want anyone to make her happy with herself. Because she feels it will stop her from changing how she looks. Its like I'm locked into feeling like this until she's gone through with all this stuff and turned into the people she watches on t.v physically. I don't get it. She's fine the way she is. Its just frustrating. And upsetting.

I write out long posts when the OP ? Moves me, so apologies in advance... I'm going to ramble, I'm sure, but try to stick with me.

Glad you are doing your best to not repeat the past. Some recovery programs have people focus on "unmanageables" and "insanities" in their lives. What you did in the past... who you hurt... who hurt you... what you risked... what you lost... it is all "unmanageable"... you cannot change the past.

One of my favorite quotes is "forgiveness is giving up the possibility of a better past"

The "insanities" would be doing all of those destructive things again, for ex.

If someone calls me a bum... I cannot control that. But I can begin to control how I react and process that... do I get mad... hit back... use it to inspire me, motivate me...

What's one of the worst words you can call a guy who has been in prison? Punk. Call that guy an a$$, a d!ck, whatever... and it might just pass by. Call a guy in prison a punk... he'll hit you instantly and try to beat the crap out of you... even if you are three times his size. If he doesn't fight back, it means he is a punk... a guy who doesn't stand up for himself... and his time inside would be absolute hell cause everybody knows it.

Call some other guy on the street a punk... maybe you'll get a fight... maybe the finger... maybe a slander will be volleyed back... but probably not the instant arse kicking a con would feel obligated to give instantly...

Same word. Different belief systems. Different choices in what to do next.

So... what the hell does that do for you?

You have some imbedded beliefs, I'm guessing. You saw your mother die. You are conflicted in this relationship because of this...

"but you don't just leave when someone you love is sick do ya? well i don't"...

I'm not saying the desire to help is a bad thing... but there needs to be some balance. And sometimes, yes, you must walk away from someone who is dragging you down.

Therapists might call you a "codependent"... a person who is very loyal to the person who is sick, but so much so that the codependent will remain in a bad place far too long...

Why do I know this? Went through a hellacious depression a long time back. The kind that damn near chokes the life out of you. And I had a great person by my side... but she fell into that role... that "all i have to do is keep trying" role that seems noble...

In the end, I was still depressed. I could not be fixed by anyone else. Every time someone said "you might need help" it wasn't coming from within me. It wasn't what I wanted yet. Sure, I didn't want to feel like crap all the time, but I wasn't willing to do what was needed to really get my head out of a dark place.

And unfortunately, I wouldn't seek the help I needed until I lost that person.

So... the only thing you are "doing wrong" is blaming yourself for that which you cannot do. All you can do is provide her the opportunity for help.

But you don't owe her your soul or your life or your sanity.

You can love a person that you simply cannot be with.

In this scenario, you are not leaving her. She is not fully present to begin with. She was never really with you.

She needs the help that she keeps turning away. I hope she gets it, sooner than later.

I can't tell you when its time to say "im done"... but I can tell you with absolute certainty that your life is not better being in this place. A lack of sleep can do terrible things to the body and the mind. I believe you are really powerful... you have great strength in you.

One of the best persons I know on this earth is a young man who lost both of his parent and three brothers when he was 11 in war. He spent over ten years in refugee camps. He has so many reasons to be mad at the world... but he isn't. He longs to help others.

You remind me of this great friend of mine... its just that you are still in the middle of a war of sorts. And there is a time when you must approve of the effort that you've made and know that that's all you can do. The tricky part is knowing when to say "enough"...

Again... it's the belief system... you say or hear "sick" and you believe that there can be healing, there is hope... she hears "sick" and she doesn't... and you cannot make her change her belief system. All you can do is give the support you can, and if that doesn't cut it, you must step back.

If you haven't talked to a counselor about this yourself, for you, I hope you do. The right counselor can make a world of difference.

Sorry for the rambling. Peace.

Try another counselor? Somewhere in her earlier life, your girlfriend got it put into her head that she isn't good enough. Improving her body so it's perfect is the solution she's come up with so she WILL be good enough. (Other people come up with other solutions, such as keeping everything neat and tidy around the house and car and garage and basement and... Then people will be impressed and put their stamp of approval on her -- or him.)

P.S. I like what kp said to you. And like kp indicated, try another counselor -- for you. Once you get your head on straight, things will fall into place.

Both of you... Thank you After reading I have decided to both find a new counsellor and continue to be vigilant for my girlfriend. I do love her. But I also have to put a barrier for myself. I need to concentrate on my own health to and make a balance not just give everything I have to be left with nothing. I'm glad I posted this and ever so thankful to both of your replied. Thank you and peace back at you =]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Outsider-Lost

Both of you... Thank you After reading i have decided to both find a new counsellor and continue to be vigilant for my girlfriend. i do love her. but i also have to put a barrier for myself. I need to concentrate on my own health to and make a balance not just give everything i have to be left with nothing. I'm glad i posted this and ever so thankful to both of your replied. thank you and peace back at ya =]

I'm proud of you already! I KNOW you can succeed in whatever you set out to do to improve your life. Please post once in a while to let us know how things are working out.