Ask Me Help Desk - My girlfriend broke up with me but insists we still have a future

My girlfriend for about a year and a half broke up with me last week and I'm pretty much in bits ever since. She is currently starting her intern-ship in college and is feeling the pressure and stress while we have been arguing a lot lately which probably wasn't helping her. We have always been so so close since the start of our relationship and often talked about marriage and children etc. I never thought we would break up and I am so hurt as I still love her hugely. She insists though that we are meant to be and will one day be together again but she needs that " time apart" space.. I am wondering though is she just saying that to make it easier on me or if she could be genuine? I have always trusted her 100% she has been my best friend over the last year and we had a wonderful time together except for the last 2 months or so... she has been having a tough time recently but that makes me think I should be around her more to support her but the fights recently have put stop to that. Should also probably mention we were on a break (Our 2nd in short succession because the first we didn't fulfil cause we hated not being able to chat) for 1 week no contact in order to appreciate each other more when she text me asking to meet up and then she ended it, we were both in tears... someone please give me their honest opinions?. thanks

Honestly,I think she is letting you down gently with the 'be together in the future'promise.

I would suggest,and I'm sorry for your pain, that you go no contact and start healing from the breakup.
Please read the stickies at the top of the relationship page for advice on how to handle a breakup.

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Originally Posted by weekaizer

My gf for about a year and a half broke up with me last week and im pretty much in bits ever since. She is currently starting her intern-ship in college and is feeling the pressure and stress while we have been arguing alot lately which probably wasnt helping her. we have always been so so close since the start of our relationship and often talked about marriage and children etc. i never thought we would break up and i am so hurt as i still love her hugely. she insists tho that we are meant to be and will one day be together again but she needs that " time apart" space.. i am wondering tho is she just saying that to make it easier on me or if she could be genuine?. i have always trusted her 100% she has been my best friend over the last year and we had a wonderful time together except for the last 2 months or so... she has been having a tough time recently but that makes me think i shud be around her more to support her but the fights recently have put stop to that. shud also probably mention we were on a break (Our 2nd in short succession because the first we didnt fulfil cause we hated not bein able to chat) for 1 week no contact in order to appreciate each other more when she text me asking to meet up and then she ended it, we were both in tears... someone please give me their honest opinions?.. thanks

Would you ever tell someone you loved that you need "space" to figure out your emotions, and that one day you'll be together? Do you think this is how love works? This is NOT the movies, this sort of thing only happens in MOVIES, where people meet back up later in life and are madly deeply in love. MAYBE it could happen if she had to move away to another country because of a war or something that could legally sperate the both of you. But, my EXGF was going to move away and her PARENTS invited me to move with them to keep our relationship. Go figure that she actually left me... (I don't know why though... ) But people change, and people grow apart. I think you know what love is... Love is when you care about someone more then you care about yourself and you would do ANYTHING to be with that person.

I would you give up on your marriage because you're having a rough life? When times get rough, it's the people who stay close by your side that really do love you. If she loved you she would do anything in her power to be with you, and not let her schooling or internship ruin it. Im guessing that she just doesn't want to be tied down right now, maybe she's hopping to meet some guy where she is interning. There are people out there who are selfish. This is why we call it dating, we DATE people to find out who they really are. I admit, that we could date someone for 5 years, and finally know that the person isn't right for us. My father always tells me, you have to live with someone before you marry them, and I am a firm believer that you must live with someone for x amount of years to really understand what kind of person they are. Are they lazzy, unmotivated, slobs, do they come home late all the time, do they go out clubbing or drinking all the time with their friends? These are things we have to ask ourselves.

I think you now what to-do, and you know the answers.

Honest opinion-

Her actions don't match her words. Her words give you hope, her actions are she is gone.

Facts-you got dumped
Fact-She is gone

In light of the facts,

Talaniman Rule-When you get dumped, have the dignity, and self respect, to disappear from their lives, and do your own thing.

Trust me, follow this rule, and save yourself the drama, misery, and pain of falling for the FALSE HOPE she will change her mind anytime soon.

Sure she may want to see how your doing, ( curiosity as to what your doing after not hearing from you{recommended course of action}) or even keep you hanging in the friendzone. (boredom, and amusement)

But healing (no further contact whatsoever, until you have healed) is what you really NEED

Just my honest opinion.

Stressful situations like school can cause a lot of strain on relationships. Yes, she may have been having a tough time recently, but in a strong, committed relationship, you try to support each other and work through problems - you don't bail in the face of adversity. Think about it: a level of stress and pressure from her internship will always exist. This goes for any career or family situation that may come up in the future. Is she going to ask for that space and time apart every time a new situation arises? Would time apart really solve any of the issues at hand? She may be giving you mixed messages, but her actions are clear. It's best to try to move on.

I also probably should have mentioned we are both just 21 years old.. maybe she is afraid of commitment st this stage or and wants to enjoy herself when she is still young, she has told me before that she is not interested in marriage until she's 26 or 27 which is understandable. She always said durin our relationship that we will marry someday... I understand everything you guys are saying.. she claims we have been having a lot of little fights recently (mostly about me not being able to see her as much anymore) and I would be unhappy about this which would make her unhappy.. when she was breaking up I told her to be honest with me.. why would she say she thinks we are "meant to be and she still loves me" I told her to be honest and she maintains that is her true belief that she knows loads of people close to her who have broken up and still got back together after a few years and been happy.. she has been through quite a lot recently on a personal level and I just wonder what the chances are of her GENUINELY needing some time to herself as she has a close family who support her very well..?.

I'd say that's a very slim chance -sorry,but it comes across as the classic breaking up but still trying to keep an option open situation in case freedom didn't turn out to be as great as they thought.

It is a cowards way out and don't hang around and be somebody's fallback guy.

Definitely don't hang around waiting. Don't beg them to take you back either, this will leave them with bad thoughts about you. End the relationship on a positive note, even email her a list of all the great times you had together, then at the end of the list, you can say something to think about for the future!
You just want to leave her thinking great thoughts of you, and not thinking of you in a negative way. You constantly calling her, messaging her, begging her, will leave her with negative thoughts.
Just keep the thoughts good, and not desperate. And get on with your life!

I am going to go along with not contacting her now definatley.. I hope in time she will just remember all the good times we used to have in our first year and 3 months together, and that the minor arguments we had in the past 3 months don't leave a negative impression on me.. I have already apologised to her for these arguments but she just seems over me already and its barely been a week.. unbelievable how the no.1 person you trusted could just turn their back on you and not want to hear from you. Very very sad times.

Breakups are tough and it hurts going through what you're doing right now.

You will get over her,with time and patience and by actively working on healing.

Time to get busy and start doing things you enjoy.

Stick to NC,it'll help you clear your head and it will help you start thinking with your head instead of with your heart.
Take care.

She keeps texting me now... just chatty messages.. I'm replying to her just because I always did and I do still love her and want things to work out between us.. I'm keeping it cool and just being civil in my replys.. she wants to know if I'm going out to clubs etc and she is wishing me a good night if I am. Is she genuinely interested in what I'm doing or is she just making sure I'm doing OK so that she feels better about herself and less guilty for breaking my heart?.

There goes that false hope again. No she doesn't want to get back with you, and is easing her guilt over the break up.

I don't think its her fault you can't handle a break up either.

Stop the texting.

She doesn't want you but wants to know what you're doing.

Typical. And lame. Guilt is right. All she's doing is weighing her options.

I got chatty ones too, like nothings wrong as your heart is breaking.

Screw that!! Go NC wholeheartedly. It's the only way.

she still leaves x's at the end of evry message... I'm starting to think she has simply fallen out of love with me, decided to go on the break with me to warn me all wasn't well, then break up with me but at the same time stating she wants us to work in the future to effectively prevent me from doing something stupid and rash as it would give me hope.. one of her friends committed suicide before following a break-up and she's now making sure I am going out with my friends to effectively wash her hands clean of me so she doesn't blame herself.. it kind of makes sense don't yous think! I really have lost all trust in her for not being just honest about me with the whole break-up.. I have told her all along in our relationship that honesty is the most important thing to me..

I'm sorry for your pain.
Honestly,though you'd save yourself all this confusion if you go no contact and don't read and reply to her messages.
Overanalyzing her thoughts and actions lead nowhere.

You need to go NC man. Don't talk to her, completely remove her from your life. You will see that when someone is no longer in your life that you can notice how amazing your life is without this person in it. I know you can do it. I am doing it as I type this. It has been a little over a month, but I am still going strong. It gets hard from time to time but you have to understand that at one point she LOVED you, so what makes you think someone else wouldn't love you again?

Poor guy, is still in contact with the ex, and holding on to every crumb he can get. Even the "x"'s at the end of the message. But he is starting to come out of shock, and see reality.

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She's now making sure I am going out with my friends to effectively wash her hands clean of me so she doesn't blame herself.. it kind of makes sense don't yous think!

That may be what works for her, but is it working for you? Doesn't sound like it from here.

Hi just a little update on how things have been...
I met her one night to talk... she explained to me that she hadent been feeling the same about me in that she wasn't looking forward to meeting me when she knew I was coming over to hers which contributed to her breaking up with me.. she said she still wanted to meet maybe on nights out and maybe still have one night stands.. she just doesn't want to be tied down anymore..
Then one night when she knew I was going out she text to say she misses me and wants to meet again... a few nights later we meet, this time we kiss passionatly and one thing leads to another and I ended up staying with her that night... we have met on a couple of occasions since then and I have ended up staying with her, she keeps saying I'm hers forever and she loves me and I know she really likes having me around, but I am aware that all this contact is something I really shouldn't be doing... but I can't help it, I really love her! She hasn't been with anyone else since the break-up and neither have I.. She says it wudnt feel right.. I know she knows she has me on a leash but I also know she's going through a hard time in her life with her finishing college soon and she's not enjoying her education etc.. She's just like that and she says her education is her priority and she has no time for a relationship even though we do meet once or twice a week now but she always texts me first every night.. someone tell me why I need to stop this!!

What part of NC don't you understand?

Sounds like her other options fell through so she is trying to get back with you as her safety blanket.

Of course, until someone new comes along and she can try the same thing again.

Not to mention she likely has the mind set of, I want other guys, but I don't want him to have another girl!