I met my husband 9 years ago. We dated and started having feeling for each other. We had both just come from bad relationships. Then my ex showed up and I went back with him. A year later My husband and I saw each other on the court house steps. We exchanged addresses and #’s and kissed a very romantic kiss right there in front of everyone. We dated for a month and moved in with each other. It wasn’t long after that he asked me to marry him and then we got pregnant. When I was 6 months pregnant we got married. We had another child 15 months after the first and another one 15 months after that. As stressful as our life was I always knew one thing, we loved each other. After 7 years of marriage my husband has worked a total of maybe 2 years. He is now inrolled in college and is on the dean’s list. I am proud of him but he also spends MANY hours online playing games and not taking care of his responsibilities. I have grown resentful of him and have totally fallen out of love with him. I have a hard time looking at him without wanting to bash his face in. Through all of this I have been talking a lot to my husband’s best friend. He is going through a break up himself and we give each other the encouragement we both need to make it through. This is a man that, for the first 2 years I knew him I could not stand him at all. After that I slowly started to see who he really was. I have an open marriage which means we can both have sex as long as the other person agrees to it. This works well for us. I am not a jealous person and neither is he. We decided to try this because we both know how life works. It is hard to be faithful to the one you love due to pure hormones. So his friend and I have had sex on and off for 3 years now. There is always a sexual thing between us. The last few months our relationship has started to change. We started sneaking around behind my husband’s back even when we don’t need to just because we both feel guilty for how we are feeling. In 16 days we are going to spend the weekend together. This will be the first time we have slept together alone. He told me last night that for those two wonderful days I am his women and no one else’s. We belong to each other if just for 2 days. How in the world did I end up falling in love with my husband’s best friend? If asked to choose I am afraid I would probably pick my lover. I know that makes me an awful person but I have never felt like this before ever. Between the two of us we have 7 kids. His ex will be taking the two youngest ones and leaving the oldest boy with him. I dream about living together as a family. I can’t help it. Every time I see him I feel safe even if he isn’t touching me. What do I do now ?

We all make choices, and have to live with the consequences, good or bad.

I don't know what to tell you, considering your husband was okay with this 'open relationship' and obviously you didn't play by the rules because you have strong feelings for another man.

My advice to you would be to put the children first. If there is any possibility of putting their needs first, it would be a good idea to try to work on your marriage first. If the marriage is over, why go from one man to another right away.

Have you considered being on your own first, and work toward supporting yourself and your children in a healthy environment without the drama of getting used to another man, and his children right off the bat?

If you are in a position realizing your marriage is over, and you can work through the aftermath of that on your own, before you get mixed up with this new man, you will be in a much healthier position, and so will your kids.

I think it is sad that the way you are describing things, that your children will go from a broken home, to a blended family with no break between. You are expecting a lot of them.

Is this other man really worth it?

I agree with Jake that if you leave your husband you need some time on your own. She also covered the aspect of your children very well.

You need time to decide that you really want this man as a man in your life with all of the baggage that comes with a relationship with exes and children. Right now, I am concerned that you are in a 'grass is greener' thought pattern. On your side of the fence is your husband and children, all of your bills, and marital problems. On his side, is the fact that he turns you on and he isn't your husband with all of the problems and issues that your husband brings to the marriage. IF you leave your husband for this 'friend', you will probably find out what his ex did, that he isn't the person you thought he was. Do you both plan to continue the 'open relationship' (having sex with people outside the relationship)? If not, why not?

What have you done to strengthen your marriage? Have you tried getting you husband to go to counseling? Have you told him how you feel about his gaming, etc.

I think you're a bundle of hormones, and very impulsive behavior. That, and your chosen open marriage lifestyle, allows you to explore, and run the risk of getting caught up, and carried away by your feelings.

That's why you THINK your so in love now after a few sexual encounters. You probably had the same feelings and thoughts when you met your husband.

Come on be real, that will fade when the sex stops, but then what will be left?

Short term pleasure will not be enough to explain why you would trade long term happiness for, so why get carried away now, so fast?

Its easy to be in love when the sex is great, and fulfilling, but the reality of life calls for a lot more than that to last longer, and for true happiness.

If all you want is a nut. You got what you wanted. Want more, go home and be a good wife, and mother.

I do see where everyone is coming from. I think that is why I have posted this here. I need to hear the reality of it. The other man and I rarely have sex now that there are feelings involved. I have known him for years now and I know who he is and all of his many flaws. I would also like to mention that when I said I would run straight to him if I were to leave my husband I didn't mean I would move in with him or anything like that. For my kids sake I know that if I go after this relationship (as much as they love him) I would have to take things slow with the other guy. I want to be able to stand on my own. One of the reasons my husband and I no longer get along is because of the kids. He doesn't beat them or anything like that, but he is short tempered and rarely says anything nice to them. My daughter is scared of him even though He rarely swats their butts. I think it is because he is so loud and mad. My husband and I were raised so differently. I was around kids my whole life. He was a single child of crazy people. He would get beat if he brought home an A- because it wasn't and A+. The main reason for wanting to leave him is not the other guy. The other guy has just been the only person I felt I could talk to about all of this and The same way with him talking to me about his break up. I promised before God and my family that I would love him forever. I will always love him he is my husband and the father to my kids. I have not been in love with him for over a year. I am afraid staying with him is why my kids have gotten so bad. My oldest son, who is 12, Started flunking his classes this year. We have talked to him and have hired tutors and his grandmother helps him with homework when we are unable to. I know he is doing it but he will not turn it in. This semester he is flunking 4 out of 5 classes. I worry they are being affected this way because I stay. I don't want to be the mom who picked the guy over her kids. Even if the guy is their father.

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Originally Posted by ;

I will always love him he is my husband and the father to my kids. I have not been in love with him for over a year. I am afraid staying with him is why my kids have gotten so bad.

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You've managed *somehow* to connect your faithfulness to your husband as a cause for your kids bad behavior.

Really? You managed to do that how, exactly?

The human mind is amazing. Now that you've decided to be creature of instinct (like crickets and hyenas... ) instead of human (the only creature on the planet with a conscience and long-view), now that you've decided your feelings are more important than anything else...

... now you're grasping at any concept you can to make it "OK".. Even using your kids.

I do wish you well with your life, overall, I truly do. But dear, this is utterly shameless.

You probably have already decided what to do. Right and wrong in life SO SELDOM about our feelings. In fact, your "feeling bone" is downright murderous to right/wrong when left to do as it wants.

Your kids definitely need some TLC from Mom and Dad. I hope you decide to set aside your "movie romance" and get back making a real life, a life where what you do actually matters, especially when it impacts directly those closest (and dearest?) to you.

You can be a good role model, you can give security and confidence and hope to your family, or you can toss all of that and pursue "instinct feelings" and the chips will fall where they may.

If your kids are doing badly now, imagine how much worse when they lose what little faith they may still have for you.

Or does that not really matter, either?

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Originally Posted by JBeaucaire

You've managed *somehow* to connect your faithfulness to your husband as a cause for your kids bad behavior.
...now you're grasping at any concept you can to make it "OK"...? Even using your kids.

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The counselor has been working with my husband on his anger issues. I understand how you would see it that way but you are wrong. You said "Now your grasping..." There has been major issues with my kids and their dad for sometime now. He is trying by going to counseling but it truly doesn't seem to be getting any better. My husband is not a monster by any means but he does have major issues with raising the kids. He thinks being nice and understanding is "hippie bull " he is more of a "spare the rod spoil the child" kind of dad.

As hard as it is to read some of the things everyone is saying I know some of it is true. On the other hand some of you are just wrong and that is all there is to it. I am not using my kids to get what I want. I have been struggling with the decision for some time now because of the kids happiness. Do I think the kids would be happier if we were on our own? Yes I 100% do since a couple of them have come right out and said it. In the long run though is what I am worried about. Will they regret saying that if it does happen? Will they grow to resent me if we leave? These are the questions I have been struggling with for the last year.

It doesn't take a rocket scientist to know that there is always more than what you can read in a blog. I guess I can't expect too much from posting on here. I thought it was actual experts who would ask questions and then help. I didn't realize it was a place for just anyone to tear you down at a bad time in your life. I will chalk this post up to a bad idea.

Thank you to those of you who tried to help.

Oh please, don't be defensive because you have heard things you don't agree with. Isn't that why you run to your lover when things get tough at home? I think you really do need to take a stand of your own, and face your problems, instead of running for comfort.

That's the real issue, and though you came here about having a lover on the side, its really about your home life.

Stop running, and deal with it for what it is, and even though your man is a bit gruff, and short, you still need to be there to temper him, and balance things for you all.

He must want to change if he is in counseling, whether you see it, or not. Don't give up on your family, just because there are challenges, and hard work, just give up on things outside the family, and face the family challenges, like your supposed to.

I hope you stick around, and get some good insights from outside yourself, and not take the easy way out, and run for comfort.

Your husband is getting help, so why are you not getting help with him?

He isn't the only one who needs help in your family, nor are your problems ALL his fault.

We both go to counseling. We have a separate appointment once a week and couples every two weeks. I know I am just trying to justify my feelings. There are a lot of issues to deal with in our marriage. It won't get better over night. His best friend and I decided to tell him how we were starting to feel for each other. It was not an easy night but we are all happy we did. Since we have all been friends too long we decided that because we are there for each other when we are at our lowest that the love we feel is real just the kind of love that you would normally have for a really close friend. We have decided to batten down the hatches for awhile and work on us. My husband in turn agreed to break it off with his girlfriend as well. I knew that he had feelings for her and I was OK with it. I think that was only because I wanted to give myself the option to have the same relationship with his best friend. Since his girlfriend is my best friend then in some strange reality it made it OK to me. She has agreed to get her own place instead of staying with us. His best friend promised to give us space as well. My husband and I have agreed to work on just us for awhile before it is too late for us. I know most people don't understand our choice to live the way we do and I'm sure all of you can tell me many reasons it isn't healthy. We have lived this life of no jealousy and freedom to be with others, for several years now. It was working for us but when we started just seeing these other two people I think it just got too close to being a real problem. His girlfriend is an awesome friend to me. She knew what was starting to happen between his best friend and me. At first she was all for it just because it allowed her to get even closer to my husband and it still be OK. It was almost easier to just say OK you can be with him and I will be with his friend. I knew if we did that there were the kids to think about and it wasn't fair to her not to get to fall in love with someone all of her own. We are all still going to be friends but I am sure there will be major speed bumps along the way for all four of us. Thank you all for making me really look at what was going on and for helping me to figure out how to handle it.

I have been on this site a very long time, and while I can understand you not being able to disclose everything, I certainly think that the fact your best friend, who is screwing with your husband, was living with you, was an important fact to know. Especially in light of how you disclosed the facts about your children having problems with your husband.

I am amazed at how posters want advice but leave so many things out that may be important, but go into detail about the small stuff, such as the detail you go into about this other guy, and even omit the children's problems in your original question.

Having said all that, I hope you have learned enough that you will not allow you, and your husband to be distracted from the needs of the family ever again, and maybe your suited for your life style, because neither of you is jealousy, but its very easy to be caught up in your own mind, and not paying attention to the ones that need you the most.

Keep your priorities straight, and in my book, the well being of the kids, not the gratification of the adults.

Understood

I hope clearing the air and counseling helps.

I have no problems with people (consenting adults, that is) choosing lifestyles that work for them as long as they think about all the repercussions. It sounds like you and your husband thought about jealousy but didn't think about the extra work that an open relationship takes to keep it from falling apart.

Does your son know about your choice of lifestyle? If he isn't supposed to, then I would be concerned that he has been witnessing your marriage disintegrating (at least to him it would appear that way). Society says that a marriage is two people in love. That is the child's concept of what a relationship should be. If your son has seen daddy and 'friend' being closer than they should be and mommy running over to the other 'friend's' house, he may be dealing with a lot of confusion and a feeling losing faith and trust in his 'home life'. Instability is one reason, children fail classes and act out (I know because I was the child many years ago).

This happened to me and regarless of what any one else says Tell your husband both of you,tell him every thing.There will be tears and pain and even anger but after the smoke clears you make gain a friend.If my Ex wife were to have come to me and let me know what was going on,One it would have mentally prepared me where I would still be a good funtioning parent.It would have still hurt but I was forced to respect her for being honest. Regarless of what people say honesty goes along way.But if you truly feel all you have said about this guy you don't belong with your husband any more.. at least for not.I know your not going to want to hear this but it would be better for you to move in to your own place not with any one and find out who you are first.GEt over the pain of leaving your husband.Get used to being independent.Afet all you said you felt safe with this guy,But you need first to learn to be safe by yourself.
I hope that helps.