My boyfriend of 2 years and I have had a really bad go of it the past 6 months. It all started with a girl who attempted to alienate both he and my friends away from me by spreading rumors etc. When I called her out, no one believed me (since she was so "nice") and my relationship suffered because he didn't support me. I felt betrayed because he not only did not believe me, but he also did not stick up for me when she said horrid things about me to our friends AND him. She even went so far as to sit on his front lawn when we all had a get together (everyone had told her not to come) and subsequently have a sit in at his house. That is TRESPASSING! He wouldn't tell her to leave his own house. I understand he didn't do it because she was our mutual best friends girl friend, but at the same time shouldn't he support his partner?

The other incident happened several months later when I discovered a text conversation between both he and a classmate of his named Claudia. He went to many study groups that she also attended and I never thought anything about it since I knew her as well and liked her. The conversation itself was choppy and spanned several days. There were almost no replies from her (that I could tell) but he was the instigator in almost all. The text that really caught my eye was one that said he would "teach her things in bed". He said he was teasing her because she was reading a book about human sexuality for a psychology course, but whether she was doesn't make his teaching her things in bed any more appropriate. This really made me insecure about our relationship. I worry now that he is not only very flirtatious but a cheat also. This is because I found out they have a class together again this semester, even though he said he would stop talking to her! He knew she would be in that class, and he signed up for it anyway. He said he told me, but I would remember being told something like that.

So, the current situation (with all of that having happened) is that we argue constantly. I'm always upset at something insensitive he's said and done (even if 6 months ago it wouldn't have even bothered me), and he is very egotistical. I noticed the change in him started a month or so ago. He refuses to get a regular job(insisting on things like a dj or a personal trainer even though he doesn't know the first thing about it) and talks himself up constantly. When I try to give him advice, suggestions, or even talk to him about something that bothers me he gets upset and says I'm trying to tell him what to do or that I'm making him the bad guy. It's almost impossible to talk to him anymore.

I don't know what to do... this isn't the man that I fell in love with. How can I get us back to where we used to be? Is there something I can do to turn this around? Any advice is most appreciated.

You have already pointed out several red flags. You can't change someone who doesn't want to be change, they have to change on their own. Not only that, he was sexting another girl and you seem to neglect that. Without communication between the two of you, and boundaries, then nothing will be resolved

Your relationship has changed, and the communications have gone way down, not a good sign. That, with his behavior with other females, are red flags that you need to re-think the idea of being a committed couple.

Sorry but your future with him looks lousy and getting worse.

For sure you can't be having fun, and its obvious your goals in life sure don't match his.

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My Boyfriend is a sweet and kind type of guy, but one thing he does that really frustrates me is the fact that he forgets our plans! Like, for example, we made plans to go see several different movies once they came out and almost every single time he went to go see them with his friends instead of me. Also, he promised to take me to a local renaissance festival but instead of going with me he took his friends! It was only after I expressed how upset I was that he took me to "make up for it". I'm sick of this!When he mentions things he wants to do or places he wants to go I remember. I don't think he's doing it on purpose, we do other things together still, but it's just... REALLY annoying. I know you're supposed to accept the people you love for who they are, but this is just a quirk I'm having trouble accepting. Does anyone out there know why he is doing this?:confused:

Sounds like a independent guy who likes to hang out with his friends. How long have you been dating?
I think he is doing this, because he likes hanging out with his friends, not to hurt you.
You don't like his friends? Is it just guys? Why doesn't he invite you along sometimes?

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Originally Posted by dynocompe

Sounds like a independant guy who likes to hang out with his friends. How long have you been dating?
I think he is doing this, because he likes hanging out with his friends, not to hurt you.
You dont like his friends? Is it just guys? Why doesnt he invite you along sometimes?

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We've been dating for two years and (admittedly) these incidents happen a week to a month after I express a desire to attend these events. All of his friends are guys, and frankly he is the type that barely has a moment to himself. He is always having the guys over to play video games and whatnot, and I've always been invited. His friends really like me, and we have most of the same friends. In fact, it was our two best mutual friends that got us together in the first place. I just feel like as good as his intentions are, he sometimes doesn't really think about the plans he makes with other people. What do you think?

Most likely, sounds like he is the friend, everyone wants to be around. So he is use to doing whatever he wants, because everyone always wants his attention, friends and girlfriends. Pretty selfish! I had a friend like that, and I just cut him out of my life. He would intiate plans with me, then just do whatever he felt like doing when the time came. Why make plans you can't keep? Makes no sense to me.
Very selfish if you ask me!

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Originally Posted by dynocompe

Most likely, sounds like he is the friend, everyone wants to be around. So he is use to doing whatever he wants, because everyone always wants his attention, friends and girlfriends.! Pretty selfish! I had a friend like that, and I just cut him out of my life. He would intiate plans with me, then just do whatever he felt like doing when the time came. Why make plans you can't keep? Makes no sense to me.
Very selfish if you ask me!

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Agreed! I think this is why it frustrates me so much. When we make concrete plans (specific date, time, etc), he's really good at remembering. I think maybe instead of just expecting him to remember I may want to start making concrete plans.. ugh and they say women are difficult!

Or do the opposite and never make plans with him. And when he tries, say why should I make plans and get all ready , when you will not show up.
WHo wants a man they can't count on, and know that there word is no good! This would make me extremely mad, and I don't think its something you should put up with. I mean missing plans once in a while, OK that is fine, but on a regular occurrence! Enough is enough

I second that. He should invite you with them. There is no such thing as his friends or your friends, now in a relationship it should become our friends. However I agree that he is probably not doing this on purpose. What is probably happening is something that used to happen to me a lot before I started consulting my fiancé about even the little plans I make to make sure I am not stepping on her feelings or plans. Instead of trying to hang with his friends delibrately instead of you, I believe its more to the truth that he gets very excited to see these flicks with his friends cause they talk it up so much or get him thinking the man way. In my opinion the typical male has two dominate trates, aggression and loyalty. Sometimes one can cover the other up and in this case with the friends perhaps working him up to go see this or that aggression can win over his loyalty. Don't be put off by the words, aggression and loyalty can mean several different things and in this case aggression is excitement and loyalty is memory to commitments. I think he is just being a guy. But the way to get around it is simply, you don't get this if you don't consider me. Guys learn things very well with a reward system just like children. Not calling men dumb (I am one) but I am saying that we base things a lot of times on what we get. Perhaps if he goes (if you're having intercourse yet... if a minor do not listen to this) if he goes with you he gets a sexual based treat from you. Something that would not be normal for you. When it comes to sexual things men are like dogs, you throw a bone and we perform. If not having intercourse yet then surprise him with an especially long and good kiss (if he is a sweet guy he will love it.) or if none of the above apply I would suggest maybe bring him some food that he loves (they always say the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. And fyi it can be true often) you won't always have to do this, only until he gets used to considering you first. Its manipulation yes, but with men it is not a horrible thing. You are not controlling this man, you are giving him the option to do what you want him to do and rewarding him for doing what is desired. That's the same as a job. You work you get paid. That's the thing. No you shouldn't have to work to gain somone's attention, however you should earn (in my opinion) the devotion you get from your significant other. That's all I got for you, hope it helped

I think spending time with you would be rewarding enough ;)

Still say it needs to be a surprise. Men get used to things easy and start taking advantage of the common. So I say do something uncommon for him and he will start learning. If you're been with him for that long you don't want to drop him for something you can change in him. Again my opinion

I agree, keep the spice and spark alive!

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Originally Posted by Larken85

I second that. he should invite you with them. there is no such thing as his friends or your friends, now in a relationship it should become our friends. however i agree that he is probably not doing this on purpose. what is probably happening is something that used to happen to me a lot before I started consulting my fiance about even the little plans I make to make sure I am not stepping on her feelings or plans. instead of trying to hang with his friends delibrately instead of you, I believe its more to the truth that he gets very excited to see these flicks with his friends cause they talk it up so much or get him thinking the man way. In my opinion the typical male has two dominate trates, agression and loyalty. sometimes one can cover the other up and in this case with the friends perhaps workin him up to go see this or that agression can win over his loyalty. Don't be put off by the words, agression and loyalty can mean several different things and in this case agression is excitment and loyalty is memory to commitments. I think he is just being a guy. but the way to get around it is simply, you don't get this if you don't consider me. guys learn things very well with a reward system just like children. Not calling men dumb (I am one) but I am saying that we base things a lot of times on what we get. Perhaps if he goes (if you're having intercourse yet...if a minor do not listen to this) if he goes with you he gets a sexual based treat from you. something that would not be normal for you. when it comes to sexual things men are like dogs, you throw a bone and we perform. If not having intercourse yet then surprise him with an especially long and good kiss (if he is a sweet guy he will love it.) or if none of the above apply I would suggest maybe bring him some food that he loves (they always say the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. And fyi it can be true often) you wont always have to do this, only until he gets used to considering you first. Its manipulation yes, but with men it is not a horrible thing. you are not controling this man, you are giving him the option to do what you want him to do and rewarding him for doing what is desired. Thats the same as a job. you work you get paid. thats the thing. No you shouldn't have to work to gain somone's attention, however you should earn (in my opinion) the devotion you get from your significant other. Thats all I got for ya, hope it helped

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Thank you! I really think that is what is happening because our group of friends (and his) are into the same types of movies. He would never ditch me on purpose this I know. I'm so glad you could shed some light on this! I really needed a man' opinion. Haha, the reward system could be interesting. I think I'll give it a go! Thanks so much!

And thank you too dynocompe! Both of your insight was most appreciated :)

You are very welcome and I hope it works out for you. The reward system could be loads of fun for you too. Just remember try and have fun in your relationship and have a very good night. :)

A thank you is well enough of a reward for me typing my opinions and thoughts

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Originally Posted by dynocompe

i agree, keep the spice and spark alive!

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Totally agree here;)