My 13 year old son and I used to be best friends. In this last year I have found out I have rheumatoid & osteo arthritis & fibromyalgia. I also had a procedure the day before Christmas Eve and I flatlined. My son for the past 6 months is so disrespectful to me. He will argue about everything and will not help me with anything unless it comes down to a screaming match and then he still won't help me and just laughs at me. He is affecting my health in very negative ways. I work a full time in a very busy and stressful District Attorney's office. My blood pressure is going through the roof every night. I am scared that if I can't get control of him I will die. Any suggestions would be helpful. Thank you.

For one thing no more screaming. Since you work for the DA's office then you should have connections to psycologists or therapists. Why not seek the advice of one of them. Do you cook dinner for him every night? Maybe don't bother. Have peanutbutter or balgony and some bread handy so he can still eat. But cook your own meal. If he wants to know what's going on you can tell him you didn't feel like it. I think he will get the message. One of lifes great lessons is learning when you go beyond yourself even when you don't feel like it. That's how we accel as a person.

Welcome to parenting 101... just kidding. These are the teen years. Let me also say that this can be attributed to a defense mechanism that many teens/children have when their parent(s) have been diagnosed with illnesses.

You see, it's a coping mechanism for some children. They are afraid to lose that certain parent, so rather than becoming closer, they begin to hate and disregard that parent in the hopes that the loss, when the time comes, will be lessened.

Or, to mix the advice of from both that you have just received, I would add that he could be very confused and afraid about your illness and does not know how to express it, except through anger. Therefore, he will need a counselor and/or therapist to help him deal with the stress from the idea of having an ill parent. It can be just as hard on those that live with the sick as it is to be sick.

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Originally Posted by rosemcs

Or, to mix the advice of from both that you have just received, I would add that he could be very confused and afraid about your illness and does not know how to express it, except through anger. Therefore, he will need a counselor and/or therapist to help him deal with the stress from the idea of having an ill parent. It can be just as hard on those that live with the sick as it is to be sick.

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I have to spread the love Rose. But your advice here is top notch. I remember going through breast cancer and it was my husband who suffered the depression.

Here's what I have found works, Don't force him to do anything, just take stuff away when he doesn't. He won't think you're being funny when he realizes he's got something to lose. Arguing with your child makes it worse because he knows he's found a weak point, and he WILL keep pushing at it. You are the parent and you are in control. It's time to start taking away privelages. I found that's really effective with a lot of kids in my family, especially my cousins. Just stay strong. If he sees that he's not making it harder for you, and if you don't give him any way to gain an advantage then he will more than likely cave. If he thinks he's going to have privelages after he disrespects you or laughs at you, say something like,
"Now THAT'S funny, what makes you think I'll let you keep your xbox after how you disrespected me just now." when he tries to argue with you say something like "I'm pretty sure you've still got a/an (insert object here) up there you might want to hold on to, I suggest you don't push me." See how that goes. :) Good luck!

It won't be easy, he will probably still try to argue with you, but it will help you.

I think J9 and rosemcs hit the nail on the head.

Just to add one more point to what they have posted.

Tell him about your illness,give him information,his behaviour sounds like a mix of teenager-ism and fear.

Perhaps suggesting he come along with you to a check up,ask the doctor before hand to explain your illness without frightening him.

Give him a chance to ask you questions,he may not take you up on the offer,but keeping the lines of communication open will help towards your relationship with him.

Plan an activity together,painting his room,or picking out new posters,giving you an opportunity to spend time together and work on a project,perhaps spending time together and having fun will help him open up to you about his fears.

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Originally Posted by redhed35

perhaps suggesting he come along with you to a check up,ask the doctor before hand to explain your illness without frightening him.

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Great point! I took my daughter with me to every chemo appointment I had.

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Originally Posted by redhed35

i think J9 and rosemcs hit the nail on the head.

just to add one more point to what they have posted.

tell him about your illness,give him information,his behaviour sounds like a mix of teenager-ism and fear.

perhaps suggesting he come along with you to a check up,ask the doctor before hand to explain your illness without frightening him.

give him a chance to ask you questions,he may not take you up on the offer,but keeping the lines of communication open will help towards your relationship with him.

plan an activity together,painting his room,or picking out new posters,giving you an opportunity to spend time together and work on a project,perhaps spending time together and having fun will help him open up to you about his fears.

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You took the words right out of my mouth, little red! He's become aware that he can't control anything, especially his mom's health, so he's acting out so YOU (or anyone) can't control HIM. Plus, he is at that early teen age that's breaking away from Mom like a two-year-old does, "Leave me alone, and let me do it myself my way!" In other words, he's dealing you a double whammy.

Stay calm and try not to react. (Actually, be proud of him and your parenting so far. He is right on track and behaving predictably.) And this too shall pass. Redhed has great suggestions.