Ask Me Help Desk - How do you do NC gradually?

How do you do NC gradually?

OK I'm a woos.

I can't do NC.

So I've decided to slowly work my way up to full NC... :p

I know what your going to say. But I've tried NC and I just couldn't do it and neither could she.

Ive been seeing my girlfriend for 12 years and through one drama or another we've never managed to be together. Im at a point where at 42 I know I'm wasting my time.

So I haven't told her I'm doing NC but I think she's got the hint. In the last four days I haven't contacted her once. She messaged me on day 3 and I just replied but didn't do my usual lovey dovey stuff. I just turned my fone on and I had a missed call from her.

Am I doing the wrong thing? Should I tell her? Were at the point where we don't talk about things because we both don't want anymore pain or drama. That's bad I know.

I don't want to hurt her. I love her to death and I always will. But time to let go... :(

Why drag out the process? Just go straight into it. Don't break any rules. Telling her that you're going to NC is already breaking the rules.

Check out my signature for NC related threads.

Have you actually broken up? Or are you planning on using NC to ease your way out of the relationship?

And its either NC as in no contact whatsoever-there is no in between.

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Originally Posted by amicon

Have you actually broken up? Or are you planning on using NC to ease your way out of the relationship?

And its either NC as in no contact whatsoever-there is no in between.

No we haven't broken up, and yes, I was planning on using it to ease myself out of the relationship :rolleyes:

I tried NC... I always give in...

Maybe I'm just not ready to do this. Maybe next year :o

That's not the point of no contact.
No contact is post breakup to allow you to recover...

Shouldn't you just tell your partner what you feel and have it over with, all you are doing at the moment is sabotaging the relationship so she'll break up with you
Stop trying to take an easy way out

Do the decent thing and break up-instead of backing off and hoping your hint will be taken!
After all those years,that would be the respectful thing to do.

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Originally Posted by amicon

Do the decent thing and break up-instead of backing off and hoping your hint will be taken!
After all those years,that would be the respectful thing to do.

Unfortunately being respectful to each other seems to have gotten lost in all the dramas. When she wanted to break up she didn't tell me. Just stopped contacting me. She hates conflict, dramas etc.

Until I make a decision I do need to backoff. She's been put on a giant pedestal by me and I'm always there for her when she needs me. Time for me to stop being her doormat.

Thanks for the advice :)

Being a doormat is not a good thing. And I think you realise your relationship is in a lot of trouble.

When you can't communicate and when there are no attempts at handling and resolving conflicts,you are left with a toxic situation rather than a relationship.

I hope you will reach a decision that works for you sooner rather than later.

Update us as you go should you feel the need.

After 12 years together,you still both can't get it together... I would have walked away 11 years ago!

How in ever, backing away slowly is the cowards way out,YOU need to tell her,you both need to stop playing with each other feelings and walk away or plan a future... however it would seem by your posts that is not going to happen.

You have both let this linger long enough... your not teenagers.. what are you getting out of the relationship that you can't go nc?

Is it a habit?

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Originally Posted by kaka67

No we havent broken up, and yes, I was planning on using it to ease myself out of the relationship :rolleyes:

I tried NC.... I always give in....

Maybe im just not ready to do this. Maybe next year :o

Ease yourself out? If you want to break up, do it straight up. Why are you playing mind games? Why are you dragging it out? If you don't feel the same way about her, why would you hang on to her?

Next year? How is next year going to be different from the past 12 years?

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Ive been seeing my girlfriend for 12 years and through one drama or another we've never managed to be together

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No we haven't broken up, and yes, I was planning on using it to ease myself out of the relationship :rolleyes:

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OK I'm a woos.

That's the problem! I agree 200%

Shameless plug of my old post to congratulate myself for... 6 MONTHS OF FULL NC!!

Im happier now then I have been in a long time and have to thank everyone on here who has posted, not just in my thread, but in other threads as well.

Reading all the advice is what helped me too end something that was toxic beyond believe.

Thanks everyone for helping me get my life back :)

Ok another plug of my own dramas.

When I read that exe's always come back I never believed it. But surprisingly after 7.5 months mine has. Got an email today. Don't know how she managed that as she majorily computer illiterate...

What the hell do I do now? (See below edit)

So much history together...

Sorry... need to rant here...

Edit: Its OK I know NC!!

What did the email say? Yeah, I am nosy and curious. Its pretty common though that they circle back around because one thing that NC brings is curiosity on the part of some exes, because they have no clue why you are not friends for one, and they no nothing about what you are up to.

They are checking your temperature, not to get back with you, but to satisfy their own curiosity, or BOREDOM.

In a nutshell:

She misses me. She's lonely.(Yeah.. boredom) She said that's she hope's I don't mind her contacting me as she knows that I said I had to move on with my life.

Our anniversary is coming up and she is thinking of me.

Blah blah blah... same old crap Talaniman.

Don't know what epiphany brought this on?? She never ever ever makes the first move. I mean NEVER.

Now she's got me curious... and you know what happened to that cat don't we... :)

Don't know why I'm even giving her the time of day... Why now!!

Why now? Why not now?

Does not matter when or why, what matters is your next move.

You have had 7 months of no contact, you survived, you lived, and laughed.

Just because you have a history with someone does not mean you have a future together.

You were together a long time (12 years) and it did not work, 7 months NC has not changed the past, you can't rewrite it.

You can use those 7 months of healing and move forward.

My advice is keep moving forwards and away from a past relationship that did not work.

There are many things that can trigger old feelings, and those feeling can be quite strong and intense, as you well know from your time here. Many of us can trace our actions back to the feelings we have, some backed by facts and rational thinking, some not so much.

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Our anniversary is coming up and she is thinking of me.

Whatever triggered her feelings, she acted on them, and has triggered YOUR own feelings. Back to NC, and avoid the confusion.

I believe I passed the above forementioned cat today...

However!. I had some words imparted to me not so long ago that I wish to draw your attention back too...

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One good thing, among many, is now you, like me, can spot the red flags and will pay attention. I have always ignored them cause I was in looooooove!!

Ill never do that again. Neither will you.

So now we get to play.. "spot the red flag".. I'll bring the beers OK?

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See how it plays... No rush. Have some fun for me too...

Shouldn't you be out there having fun!!