I think my husband cheated on me while in training before a deployment. He never gives me straight answers about the situations.. there were two girls one that he still works with today and another that isn't here but I found out he called a few times and lied to me about. Its been almost 6 months now and I can't let it go.. I feel like I don't trust him and Im tired of keeping all my emotions bottled up... he won't listen... everything feels fake and routine now. I feel like I am starting to become insecure... its retarded. I just want to talk to someone... maybe it will help me let it go.. we are young 22 and 23 we married very fast about 4 years ago.. we have two small toddlers... and all this happened like a month after I had our son. Any kind of advice, feedback ANYTHING would be really appreciated... I do love him but I'm starting to feel like because of our problems I don't want to be with him anymore... But I want to work it out... and I don't want my kids to come from a broken family.

He refuses to do counseling... he says he doesn't need some stranger telling him how to be married. I have thought about telling him that if he won't go I will leave him.. but was afraid that that was the wrong way to go with everything. He won't go on date night which I would LOVE... being that I am a stay at home mother. But he doesn't ever want to go anywhere without our two kids. I feel like he only stays with me because he is in the military and if we were to get divorced the kids would stay with me... I do feel like I am a warden also but he just tells me that I need to stop being so insecure... I don't get kisses anymore, only when he is headed out the door to go to work and most of the time its on my forehead... He won't snuggle anymore and he's just not affectionate to me. I miss that... but if I try to take the initiative to do these things... He says its annoying... and then I get mad.. and he gets mad because I'm getting mad over something that he considers to be a little thing.

I would suggest getting into some sort of marital counseling through your home church. I had to present it to my husband as I need some help on how to communicate. And kind of took the blame off him so he would be compliant. There is no shame is getting help so two Loving people who are not ill willed can learn to communicate. That's my advise. I wish you the best!

I went through this, and small children can leave both parents feeling left out. Seems like romance is dead. What worked for me is a lot of prayer and changing how I approached my husband. Instead of telling him how I feel and feel rejected I would react different. You can't control him but you can control how you react to his obvious rejection. When he walks passed you and doesn't kiss you it screams I don't love you. I know. Try setting up a night of dinner and one and one time even if it's for a hour. I promise if you can have a loving approach even when he doesn't deserve it you can wim him over with it. I started counseling with out him and then at one point he saw I was making steps and he started going seeing that I was trying to save our marriage. PLease don't lose hope. Prayers are going out to you.
Amber

You make him sound a little controlling. Does he object to your having friends? Play dates for the toddlers? "The girls" over for coffee?

A new family is a terrible strain on a relationship. Losing yourself in your new role as Dad or Mom is so easy to do. Remember who you are, so you can remind him who he is, but don't use words.

Communicating is much more than talking. Remember how you used to look at him, touch his arm, sometimes even share a thought it seemed? Do you still communicate with him since he's stopped communicating with you?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Catsmine

You make him sound a little controlling. Does he object to your having friends? Play dates for the toddlers? "The girls" over for coffee?

A new family is a terrible strain on a relationship. Losing yourself in your new role as Dad or Mom is so easy to do. Remember who you are, so you can remind him who he is, but don't use words.

Communicating is much more than talking. Remember how you used to look at him, touch his arm, sometimes even share a thought it seemed? Do you still communicate with him since he's stopped communicating with you?

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Sometimes I feel like he is controlling but I let myself think that its just me being rebellious because I am young and I missed out on a lot of things people my age do. I have to go through him to do anything like girls night out, anything that has to have planning involved he has to approve of. He says its how its suppose to be when your married... Most of the time I can do whatever it is as long as its not last min. and if its going out drinking or something he's usually not too happy about it... He is a home body... so if he goes out with the guys its because I planned it and made him go to get out of the house. This has only happened once... We haven't been out on a date night since before my daughter who just turned two in November. And then out of the blue beginning of last year he decided that he wasn't going to drink anymore or party and do all that stuff.. which I think is wonderful and respectful because he is trying to be a responsible father... but My parents told me that just because we have kids doesn't mean I have to be a grandma. I try to enjoy things people my age do. I don't go out every weekend.. I might go out with the girls for a night maybe every 2-3 months other than that I stay at home and I be with my babies :) I would like to go out on a date night.. but I can't ever get him to plan it with me... I don't like to have to plan everything we do by myself... because I don't know if he's going to enjoy himself.. We don't communicate very well at all... and I have tried all different ways to attempt it. Sometimes he tries as well.. But in the end whatever it is we don't talk about and I have to just let it go.. but something's I have a hard time just letting go. Another thing that he does that really makes me feel hurt is that... He can ask for sex at random moments and I always give it to him. But when I try to initiate it like today. When he came home from work he came in let me know he was home he works nights and doesn't get home until around 0630.. he apologized and talked about an incident that had happened the previous day... then he went to the livingroom and was playing his xbox 360 with his friends online... about 30 min. went by and I wanted to do something sweet for him because the day had already started good for me. I put on a cute lingerie set and when he came into the room he was surprised but just said he was tired and I got upset... its seems like every time I try to intiate sex or try to do something new and surprise him... He turns me down.. everytime. I can only recall one time he gave in because I was getting so pissed at him... what do I do about that and is that common in a marriage? Sometimes I think we both have the wrong idea of marriage... I want him to be affectionate and show that he loves me and every now and then show some appreciation... But don't get me wrong I am not looking for a fairy tale... he I feel like is looking for someone to pretty much depend on him, cook and clean and raise our babies. I was in the military as well... and after only a year I gave it up for him because we wanted to have a baby and he was about to be deployed and then they were going to deploy me six months after I had her. And we wanted her to grow up with at least one of her parents around and not to grow up pretty much in a daycare or at a babysitters. So I agreed, I guess I shouldn't say I gave it up for him.. but I don't think he appreciates some of the things I sacrificed so we could have a family... I do love being a stay at home mother though.. Please... seriously if I am acting immature I need someone to just tell me that way I can make change... Thats why I am on here talking to everyone because you don't know either one of us and can tell me a straight answer... I don't talk to friends or family because I don't want them to always be judging us and I know my family and my girls will be bias...

First, a little literary criticism. Please use paragraphs. I'm not sure that I didn't miss something while wading though that last post. On this website a blank line separates topics nicely. Thus:

Secondly, I think you're saying that you need a break from time to time, maybe even a date. Did I get that right? You don't want any major changes, just a touch of playtime with your playmate? See if you can get little moments in, like pulling over to the side of the road when the kids are sleeping and look at clouds for five minutes. Pick up a floorplans magazine at the grocery and build a dream house with him, just in your imaginations

See if little things can bring out some changes.

I can unerstand your complaint! I am married to a Marine and military men are some what different then civilian men. What it sounds like to me, and I can only judge this from my own experience. You think he doesn't want you anymore. Seems like he doesn't appreciate the big sacrafices or the little things you do. It's not going to be easy to clean up this mess. It's going to take a lot of hard work on your end to re claim your happiness. What I found is, I couldn't depend on my spouse for my happiness. I would find myself disappointed most of the time. It is emotionally and physically taxing on a woman to have two small children. All I can suggest to you is to find something that gives you joy and independence. Sounds like your getting cabin fever and with my first marriage I did as well. I can't tell you how to save your marriage, but I can tell you what won't work. I have done all the classic mistakes and in that I learned my lesson. PLease don't make the mistakes I did. The resentment will build up in you to where there will be no way for you to enjoy your man. Bitterness is a terrible side effect from lack of love. The only thing I believe we are all trying to request to you is, try & find some happiness in yourself. I am not saying your husband is off the hook from having to be a partner. There is more to a husband then just bringing the paycheck home. Look at his background. Who were his role models? Both parties I have found most times haven't learned how to be married. It's a tough role, but very rewarding when you can come to a middle ground my dear. Also, Dumping your emotions is healthy. I encourage you to keep a journal and not keep these emotions bottled up. That's what I suggest. Please don't give up there is a lot of help programs out there. I would recommend a book called Love and Respect. You may find that book useful. We are here for you. I would hope you do have a network of friends back home. I hope you have some girl friends who can be supportive of you. Your frustrations are something I can identify with. Find a support group if all else fails so you are not alone in feeling this way. Please try counseling for you... not him... to help yourself. It will make you feel better to talk to a live person about these hurts you have going on. You can go to the bank on that one! Please keep me informed. You seem like a strong person and don't let anyone make you feel bad for feeling this way. Step one identify the problem and find a solution. Believe me divorce isn't it either. I leave you with that friend.

I noticed I over looked a statement that you think he's cheating. You better have solid proof before accusing him of that one. Even if he hadn't thought about it, accusing him of it will put the ideas in his head. Well if she is accusing me I might as well do it mentality. So I would walk on egg shells about that unless you know for a fact he is. Trust me is doesn't end up well if you accuse a person and have no proof. Shows that you don't trust them and believe they have intregrity. For me, my husband doesn't need to be talking to any kind of women when I am not there outside of work. Girl friends for a married man is inappropriate. That's my opinion. Try talking to him not accusing may go over better for you.:)

Thanks everyone for all the great advice... I've actually felt a lot better just getting this all off my chest... THANK YOU to ambermarie1 Your words were the most uplifting for me thank you. I am going to go to counseling for myself instead of trying to push couples counseling on him. I will let him decide that for himself. We will see where this new path will lead me.. Thank you everyone!