Ask Me Help Desk - My boyfriend of two years won't have sex with me

My boyfriend and I had a long distance relationship for the first year. We fell in love over the phone -- we had great conversations and indulged in phone sex many times. He admitted he was a virgin and when we finally moved in together in took several months before he felt comfortable taking that step-- but he was unable to do it and he just wanted to finish with his hand. Ever since then-- he won't even try to have sex with me and if I try to initiate some kind of sex he gets angry. I suspect he looks at porn because every time he is in the office and I walk in he shuts down the page really fast. He has no problem getting an erection if he lets me give him a hand job or oral but when I try to turn that situation to involve him pleasing me as well he gets angry and tells me he wants me to finish him off in my hand or in my mouth. When I tell him I want to make love he says forget it and pushes me away to finish himself off and when I ask him why he is doing this he gets pissed and stops and we get into a big fight. So most times--- he doesn't want anything to do with me sexually to avoid that. So now we are coming up on our two year anniversary and still no sex. Valentine's day is coming up and I am scared we will have the perfect romantic night but he will still refuse to have sex with me. I have been understanding and I go a month or two at a time not pressuring him out of respect but it hurts me so bad. I can't understand how you could be in love with someone and not express it physically. He is not religious and he said he doesn't want to wait for marriage. So either he is gay or he isn't attracted to me. But he says none of that is true. I hope not because he is wasting my time if it is true. I want to get married and have kids with him someday. How can we have kids someday if we can't have sex? We are engaged but I don't think I can stay in this relationship if I feel unwanted. He won't talk to me about it. What can I do?

Honestly, I just got out of a relationship that was sex starved. He only wanted it twice a month and NEVER took my needs into account. When I would try to talk with him he would also get angry.
I tried and tried. Patience, talks, hard to get, games, everything. All it did was exhaust me, make me feel resentful and undesirable.
I am still picking up the pieces of myself esteem six months later.
Our situation was different but I also posted and got advice to leave the relationship. I wish I had listened before too much damage had been done.
It never got better.
I know that is not what you want to hear and I'm sorry to be blunt.
Get into therapy if you really want to get to the bottom of it.

Your relationship sounds bordering on, if not, abusive.

The mental images your post conjured actually made me wince.

You are there giving him manual and oral stimulation, yet you ask for the same in return and he gets angry??

You ask him to make love to you, he tells you to forget it and pushes you away???

Well I know what I'd have for him, a size 5 in the arse!

Tell him that you have to discuss your issues or you don't see how this can continue. End of. But if you say this be prepared to follow through. This isn't right and its not fair. You are hurting and he's sitting there pulling himself off??

Really Size 5 as far as I'm concerned...

I agree with the abuse aspect of it.

I told him how much it hurts me and I told him I don't think I can stay in this kind of relationship. He always breaks down and begs me to stay and says he will work on those things. His answer every time I try to talk about it lately is that "it always leads to fights so I am not comfortable doing anything sexual at this time" that's a laugh because the only reason we fight is because he won't do anything sexual. I told him firmly tonight that I love him but I can't be with someone who doesn't feel as passionate about me as I do him. I think he is waiting for me to change my mind because he knows how much I love him but this time, no matter how hard it will be I am going to leave him. (What I didn't mention earlier is that I moved from Montana to California to be with him so it is not easy to just pack up my things and my cats and make that trip) But I know that for my happiness and sanity-- I have to leave him even if it breaks my heart. And you are right it is a very emotionally/mentally abusive relationship and even if I could suggest therapy, I doubt he would want that.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I know it is a horrible feeling. Heartbreak is hard but can you imagine being in a sexless relationship forever? How would it make you feel about yourself? I know how I felt. I still haven't had sex because I feel so undesirable. You don't know how hard it is to break that feeling. Especially when it came from someone you love so much. It seems like such an easy request? But he digs his heels in and fights.
I seriously went through the same thing... if you need to talk specifically I am more than willing to listen and I know I can relate.
And it IS abuse. Very emotional.
Sex is like relationship glue.

I'm going to be really blunt, and I genuinely apologize in advance.

I think you've been unbelievably patient with a guy that doesn't give a $hit about you and who has serious psycho-sexual problems.

Whatever his problems are he forces them back on to you in the form of selfishness, bullying, anger, violence and conflict.

He utterly ignores your needs and desires and has given you no indication that this will ever change.

Yet, you say you want to marry him and have children with him. Are you completely and utterly mad? Why in the hell would you say that?

Does this man act like he'd make a good husband, father and life-partner? Does this man bring you happiness and joy? Do you feel supported, heard and loved by this man?

I don't know what's wrong with this man, but he's either a misogynist of the highest order, or he's got psycho-sexual problems that will take years to resolve.

I do understand that you probably love him, but I wouldn't be giving this guy any second chances. Not even one.

Take back yourself respect and get away from him as fast as you can. Run as hard as you can and don't ever look back. He's NOT the only man in the world, and you don't need someone that has this level of dysfunction.

Just curious how old this man is?

Maybe its because he's a virgin? Nervous about not being able to please her?

Thanks to everyone who answered so far. He's 30 by the way. And he is a "mama's boy" very spoiled by his mom. He runs to her every time we fight-- which isn't fair. I don't have any kind of support system here, my family and friends are all the way in Montana but when we I need to talk to him and he doesn't want to deal with me-- he just storms out and goes to his parents house and leaves me to eventually cry myself to sleep. I always tell him as well as myself that I am going back to Montana and I am not going to put up with it anymore but I had always convinced myself in the past that he will change and relationships take work and patience. I have talked to him about contraceptives. He says he doesn't want to use condoms but since we are not ready to have kids just yet, that's something he would have to get used to. I am half tempted to leave this page open so that he can see all the great advice I am getting. Maybe seeing it from a different perspective will make him understand. Or it could just really piss him off and make him feel betrayed so I don't know probably not a good idea? And yes thank you to everyone that have posted so far. It is a relief to finally be able to talk about it. And Amy99roo and help_ful101 I would love to keep in contact and get more advice on the situation. I really appreciate the kindness and helpful comments. I have been going through so much stress lately, I think it's even affecting my health I haven't had my period for 4 months due to stress. I hope we can resolve these issues soon so we can move on with our lives whether they are together or apart.

I would give him the option of two doors.
One into a counsellors office.
Or One out of your life.
His choice.

I listen to a lot of love line with Dr. Drew and they have talked about this sort of thing many times. The normal cause is that he could be addicted to pornography which has caused him to only be able to be pleasured by oral stimulation, its like even the thought of having sex with you is a total turn off to him because of his problem. Its def not you and you guys really need to discuss the issue or it will only get worse. I would even go as far as to seek counseling

You should not be home crying yourself to sleep. It sounds like you are being physically and emotionally isolated.
I think therapy would be warranted in your situation, with or without him.
Addicted to porn? Maybe, but you have been with him for a year. Come on.
I think you know what the right thing to do is.

To those talking about keeping in touch about this subject, I hope you mean keeping the advice in the thread. One of the reasons I love this site is that everything is kept in threads so that those who come looking for advice later can see the progression of how someone else's problems are being worked out. It also keeps needed information in one place so that everyone can give the best advice they can based on all of the facts instead of some people having a better idea of what is going on than others.

boredimso, do not make threats you aren't going to carry out. If you feel the need (and from what you have written, I would) to make an ultimatum, get a calender or day planner and mark the date that you plan to be out of the house by. Set a time table for yourself and stick to it. Set dates for: finding a place to live or packing a moving van to go back to Montana; getting your affairs there in order; etc. Get packing materials for your belongings and start packing them up. If you think he might do something to the boxes in a tantrum, have a friend hold them for you or rent a storage space. The date that you have marked should be the last day that you have contact with him. Make it to where when you leave there are no loose ends to tie up.

From this point on, DO NOT give him oral sex or hand-jobs (it sounds like he likes his own hand anyway). Toddlers don't get candy just because they want it. Tantrums don't last if you don't feed into them (learned that with my first child). DO go about your life as you normally would. Don't worry about him. He can take care of himself or get his parents to take are of him.

Personally, I would give this ultimatum (I would have my calender planned out and a couple of copies ready): You have a choice, 1) You can get into counseling and get help letting go of your dependence on your parents and work with me ON ALL LEVELS to make this a strong relationship or 2) I am moving out. You have until ____(date) to be in counseling and making changes. If you don't, MY choice goes into affect and I will be adhering to my calendar.

Now, for a less drastic approach than my first one, do you know what he fantasizes about? Could he be feeling 'awkward' because he thinks that he has uncommon 'desires' and is afraid to talk to you about them? Could his actions/reactions be defensive? Do you think you could get him to sit down and have a conversation about what turns him on? You will have to be willing to be open-minded and ready to hear things that you might find strange or weird and still be supportive.

Good luck. :)

Live is too short. Ditch him!! I guarantee you that you will find someone else you can make you happy. This relationship you have will only continue to bring you unhappiness.

Quote:

Originally Posted by boredimso

Thanks to everyone who answered so far. He's 30 by the way. And he is a "mama's boy" very spoiled by his mom. He runs to her every time we fight-- which isn't fair. I don't have any kind of support system here, my family and friends are all the way in Montana but when we I need to talk to him and he doesn't want to deal with me-- he just storms out and goes to his parents house and leaves me to eventually cry myself to sleep. I always tell him as well as myself that I am going back to Montana and I am not going to put up with it anymore but I had always convinced myself in the past that he will change and relationships take work and patience. I have talked to him about contraceptives. He says he doesn't want to use condoms but since we are not ready to have kids just yet, that's something he would have to get used to. I am half tempted to leave this page open so that he can see all the great advice I am getting. Maybe seeing it from a different perspective will make him understand. Or it could just really piss him off and make him feel betrayed so I don't know probably not a good idea? And yes thank you to everyone that have posted so far. It is a relief to finally be able to talk about it. And Amy99roo and help_ful101 I would love to keep in contact and get more advice on the situation. I really appreciate the kindness and helpful comments. I have been going through so much stress lately, I think it's even affecting my health I haven't had my period for 4 months due to stress. I hope we can resolve these issues soon so we can move on with our lives whether they are together or apart.

The fact that he's 30 just underlines the things I said - you need to quickly resolve what you want to do. Do you really want such stress?

Let him go home to mama - his problems will take much more patience than you have in a lifetime.

Trust me, there is no joy to be had here. This man will always be a millstone around your neck.

For a man who is 30, refuses to have sex with you, but demands you perform hand/oral sex on him, plus he is unwilling to use contraception! He has the maturity of a warped 13 year old boy. (Heck, even I wasn't that big of a jerk at 13!)

You really need to get out of this situation since he is unwilling to work with you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by boredimso

... I had always convinced myself in the past that he will change and relationships take work and patience.

You're half right. Relationships take work and patience. He will only change if he wants to. It doesn't sound like he wants to change.

It sounds like you're trying to convince yourself to stay because of the time you've dedicated to this relationships so far. You have put so much into this, and you are afraid of ending it and having all that effort and time considered a lose.

Some men out there, and it saddens me to say this, are just looking for a mother replacement. They want someone to care for them and deal with them on their terms. The mama's boy if you would. He is too used to getting his way and no open to compromise. This isn't something that is healthy for most relationships.

Quote:

Originally Posted by boredimso

I have talked to him about contraceptives. He says he doesn't want to use condoms but since we are not ready to have kids just yet, that's something he would have to get used to.

There are other options, I would say that Condoms are probably the best if you're going for intercourse. You can get other hormonal birth control. I am not a fan of those because they tend to have negative side effects on the woman. There are IUD's but they are risky.

You might just but your foot done and say that baby doesn't get his medicine unless he is wearing a condom.

Quote:

Originally Posted by boredimso

I am half tempted to leave this page open so that he can see all the great advice I am getting. Maybe seeing it from a different perspective will make him understand. Or it could just really piss him off and make him feel betrayed so I don't know probably not a good idea?

That is very passive aggressive. I wouldn't recommend it. Don't rely on us to do the talking for you. You'll need to talk to him alone. Trust me, you need to lock him in a room and talk with him and not let him run off. I am not condoning a fight, but a talk.

Quote:

Originally Posted by boredimso

I have been going through so much stress lately, I think it's even affecting my health I haven't had my period for 4 months due to stress. I hope we can resolve these issues soon so we can move on with our lives whether they are together or apart.

Have you seen a doctor about this? If not you really should.

A good relationship is always a little give and take. It really sounds like he is taking and giving precious little in return. I don't think he is used to giving at all. I honestly don't think he knows how to deal with a mature sexual relationship. If you're having issues, you don't run off to mommy. That isn't the way it works.

I would reflect on this and decide if this is worth while. It might be worth the shot in the pride to admit that this relationship is doomed and it is time to move on. Once you've decided this do it. Harden your heart and don't let him stop you. He won't change and things will probably just get worse.

Agreed with carrot. I was with a 41 year old who couldn't, wouldn't talk about sex and pretty much treated me like a blow up doll. All the talking. All the frustration. I also cried myself to sleep. I cannot describe the feelings. He kept saying it would change. IT NEVER DID. It got worse.

Come to find out he had this problem in his first two marriages and it was a major factor in his divorces. People don't change unless they want to. Even then, change is hard.

I loved that man with all of my heart but the damage it did to my psyche is still not healed. It was the a lonely time even though we lived together.

Please get out of this damaging relationship.

This is an update so far

Thanks to everyone that gave me great advice. Things have been crazy the past few days. A few days ago, I went into the office and he again shut the page down, claiming he was researching Valentine's day gifts. There is a window outside the office and I knew I would be able to see into the office and get a view of what was on the computer. So I snuck out the back door so he wouldn't hear the front door open, went around to the front and tried peeking into the window. Well our house is kind of on a hill and there are hedges in front of the window so I couldn't get close to the window and I was standing on a slope. I'm short-only 5'1'' so I could barely see over the ledge and beside that, with the glare I wasn't able to see into the room. But I decided to bluff and I threw a little stick at the window and Greg turned around and opened it up. He asked "what's going on?" and I said "Oh I just kinda came out here cause I wanted to see what you were looking at" he said "yeah?" and I said "yep" and he said "yeah? so?" and I just looked at him and then he said "Well those pictures I was looking at were just some random friend request. I didn't recognize her and she looked kinda young so I was just trying to look at her pictures to see if I know who she is. That's why I was looking at her pictures." I felt so sick at that moment, like nauseous and dizzy. I didn't say anything else to him the rest of the day. In fact I went back to bed claiming I didn't feel well and he kept coming in to check on me saying he was worried I looked so sick and "why do you look so depressed?" I decided not to talk to him about until I got to the bottom of things and saw for myself actual proof that he was doing anything wrong.

So for a couple days I plotted, trying to figure out what he was hiding from me on his computer. He clears his browser every time he uses my user account and his user account has a password so all I could do was hope he would slip up and forget one of these days. Well things came to a head yesterday. We had come home late from dinner so instead of hooking up the internet cord, I passed out with the cord on the desk next to our bed. I woke up early the next day to find he wasn't in bed and the cord was gone. I jumped out of bed and as quietly as I could, I crept out of the room and to the office door. Holding my breath I flung the door open and sprinted up to the computer but he shut the page down just as I got to him. He had a terrified guilty look on his face and his breathing was off. He took a shaky breath and said "uhh good morning. what's going on?" I stretched my arms over my head casually and yawned and said I was just getting up and then reached my hand down to his groin to check if he had an erection. I found he had none so I left the room mumbling about how he shut the page down again. I was angry all morning but I once again realized I still had no reason to be angry because technically, he hadn't done anything wrong. So I let it go again and we had a very nice evening when he came home from work. Then that night, as we drove home, as I was starting to get tired and crabby I decided to rehash the situation and asked him why exactly it was he keeps shutting the page down. I told him he could tell me anything and that I love him and no matter what it was he felt he needed to hide-- he had no reason to keep any secrets from me. He ignored me so I started listing off guesses of what I thought he was hiding. "gay porn? underage girls?" I told him if he kept a secret from me I would only assume it was the worst scenario and he finally screamed that he had been jacking off to different girls' pictures. Sisters of friends, girls he knew from high school, web cam girls, and other random pictures. I was numb. I finally heard the truth. It's what I wanted all along- the truth. But it was still my worst nightmare. It was something I had feared all along but had always prayed wasn't the case. I pulled into our drive, put the car in park, and forgetting all about my purse and my half finished baby blanket project I had been crocheting for my unborn nephew, I numbly got out of the car and walked into the house. Then turned around and headed back to the car. He asked me where I was going and I said, "Don't worry about it." he looked confused and asked "Don't worry about it? what does that mean?" and I said "from now on-- I can do whatever I want whenever I want. I can talk to any guys I want. Sleep with anyone I want."

Then I ducked into the house to grab some things and he followed me and announced to his sister (whom we are staying with for a couple weeks till our house is finished being painted) that I was being ridiculous and I was making false accusations. She made a few unwelcome comments of her own so I stormed towards them and asked how dare he get his sister involved when she doesn't know the whole story? So, this thing I had been too afraid to admit to anyone except on here, about how my boyfriend of two years won't have sex with me--- I finally unleashed it. I yelled it out at the top of my lungs and then gave him back my engagement ring and threw his precious video games across the room. He screamed at me to leave and I screamed back that I wished I had known all along that he didn't want to be with me and he said "well now I don't" and I screamed that I wished he would have told me that two years ago and then I snapped and started shoving him away from me. Like I said, I'm 5'1'' and 135lbs-- he's 6'4'' 245lbs and I guess he thought me shoving him was funny because he started chuckling and once that happened all I saw was red. Pop pop pop I punched him three times in the face before either of us knew what was happening. I still remember the sound of my fist hitting his face. He was startled and for a moment he didn't move or say anything I sobbed and searched the ground for my car keys where I had thrown them along with the video games. I ran towards our bedroom so I could lock him out but he finally started shaking his daze and he ran after me and grabbed me right as I was running into the room. He pinned me down onto the bed and looking up at him, I had a thought that maybe I should be scared but I was too pissed for that. I struggled for a bit and tried to knee him in the groin but he only pinned my knees sideways and tightened his grip on my wrists.

As if punching him wasn't enough of a surprise, he totally caught me off guard by falling against me sobbing and choking on his tears. He said "I don't know what to do Jackie. I have never been in this situation before. How can we go back from this now? I don't want to lose you I don't want you to leave but I caused you to hit me. How is everything going to be ok now? If you leave now I know you'll never want to talk to me again and I need you in my life. I'm sick without you. I am sorry about what I did. I felt guilty as hell when I did those things. Obviously there's a reason I felt guilty because it's wrong." and I said yeah you always said stuff like you didn't want to do anything sexual because your sister was here or because you weren't ready, and I respected that you weren't ready but you were always hateful to me anytime I wanted to make love to you and now I know that all along you have been in that little office looking at other women, getting off to that instead of being with me? What is it? What do they have that I don't? If you didn't want to be with me, why didn't you just tell me? And he started sobbing again and he said he did want to be with me. He said he was scared. That somehow, he kept remembering that he was 30 and he hadn't ever had sex yet and if there was anyone he would want to do that with, it would be me. He said he jacked off to those pictures because it was all he knew. For years that's what he had. It gave him a little rush and he would feel better. He promised he would never get on the computer again without me and he would never masturbate like that again if I could give him another chance and let him prove to me how much he loves me. He said, "I'm scared and I when we do that I want it to be right. I know it is pretty much up to me when we take that step but I do want to make love and if you bear with me and wait until I am ready, I will show you how much I love you."

I told him I have always wanted it to be right and only when he is ready as well--- I have just been worried all along that he just didn't want to be with me in that way and I am just going to get my heart broken down the line. He said he wouldn't do that to me-- he wouldn't string me along for two years and hurt me just to be selfish. He said, see you slugged me pretty good and I still want to be with you. And we laughed at the memory of me punching him. We felt crazy laughing over what had just passed, but it was also kind of like a weight was lifted. I'm just glad his sister didn't call the cops and I hope I can forgive myself for acting out violently like that-- although he wasn't hurt at all. My hand hurts pretty bad though.

I might be crazy but I think everything is going to be OK now. It reached it's worst point and now I can only hope that we both had a wake up call and we can work towards a better future together. I hate that it took something drastic like me punching him in order for him to finally open up and talk to me about things but nonetheless here we are now. I do love him, and for all the pain this relationship has caused me, I know he loves me too. I take all of the advice given to me very seriously and I don't plan to stay in a dysfunctional relationship for the rest of my life. I am going to give him the love, time, and patience that he needs and if I end up with a broken heart at least I will be able to walk away knowing I fought for that love as long as I could. This valentine's day, I plan to surprise him by setting up a little candle light dinner sans table and chairs, or even paint on the walls, at the new place we are fixing up. We can't move in for a few more weeks but we finally got the keys to the place so I am going to set it up with a blanket or two on the dining room floor, white twinkle lights, candles, flowers, music, cake, wine, and maybe his favorite dinner. I am going to blindfold him and drive him over there and surprise him with the setup. I think he will be pleasantly surprised and very happy. I think there will be some cuddling and maybe some dancing but I am not going to ruin the evening by expecting any kind of lovemaking. I just want to look forward to a happy evening when I can just remember why I fell in love in the first place. No drama, no relationship issues, no pressure to make love. I just want to bask in love with him that night. I wish you all the best and many thanks for your wisdom on this tough problem. I will post updates if anything should change.