Well my husband and I have only been married for about 5 months, and we have had the worst times ever! The first 3 months were the worst, he would leave every weekend from like 3 in the afternoon to 7 or 8 the next morning> Meanwhile I was home crying worried because he would not answer my calls or text messages. It got to the point where I caught him doing drugs with his buddies in my own house. So I decided to tell his little disrespectful buddies to leave, that night he ended up throwing me to the grown several times pushing me against the wall, and saying that he hated me so much. That broke my heart since I had never seen this part of him in the whole 3 years that we dated! Now he's trying o behave and he doesn't go out as much and he comes home early when he does go out. But I just can't get that night out of my head... he said he's sorry a million times and that he would never hit me, but I don't know what to believe. I don't know if I should give him more time and see if he keeps being good or just leave him now before he does anything worst to me?

It is amazing what people can hide of themselves, and their true characters. Eventually it does come out, as you've seen.

Throwing you to the ground, and pushing you into walls, would be a grave concern to me. While he may have been angry when you asked his friends to leave, he was probably also stoned, which made things even worse.

Regardless, his volence against you should not be tolerated. That level of anger is present in all of us, but most people do not knock their partners around as a way of handling it. He should have waited until morning, and then the two of you should have talked it all over, made some changes that you could both live by. That would have been the mature thing to do.

While he has cut his socializing down a bit, the issue of the physical assault has not been dealt with simply because it isn't talked about. You can't sweep how you feel about what he did you to you under the rug.

The only way to handle this is through counselling. You need to know that he is willing to walk the walk, not just talk the talk. He has to man up to what he did, figure out why he did it, and learn what he needs to know so it never happens again. Once he has those tools, there is no turning back. If it happens again after that, you should leave.

All people who physically abuse their partners, are remorseful afterwards. Promises are made, changes are seen. Most times it is a temporary fix until you feel confident that he has indeed, changed. Don't kid yourself.

Change is hard work. Very hard work. It isn't likely that the few good crumbs he's thrown your way will last the length of the marriage. Sadly, his anger is only at bay. It is not dealt with.

I would insist on counselling.

You need to strongly consider getting out of the house before he comes home again and is out of control

In no way, shape or form does a marriage vow imply that you should become a target for violence.

If you feel the marriage is worth trying to save, then tell him the ground rules - NO DRUGS for any thing other then medical reason. No more staying away form home. Counseling and maybe you will consider returning. But under no exceptions, do you return before the drugs and going back!

Remember, the next time he comes after you may take the last breath of your life.

You have to face it - your husband is abusive and what he did to you was DOMESTIC VIOLENCE!

Can he be helped? Probably not! Only a very small percentage of abusers can be helped, then they have to want the help, not just a means to get you back for more, serious long term help. He'll apologize and swear it'll never happen again, but that's only idle words. Don’t get sucked into living that way. THERE'S NEVER AN EXCUSE TO ABUSE. You may say that he only has a problem when he drinks or does drugs, but that's an EXCUSE, drugs or alcohol does not cause anyone to abuse, that is at his core and was in him to begin with. Stop the drinking or drugs and you’ll find that the abuse will not stop. You have a dual problem and not much hope to fix either one of them. You need to get out.

For him to stop abuse, it'll take long-term counseling. If he does goes for help, set a time limit for improvement, if you don't feel it or see any, you have to plan your escape, you will never have a normal life, most abusers can not be fixed, period. Don't waste your time, crossing your fingers, arms, legs, wishing, praying and hoping, none of that works. Actions speak louder that words, yours and theirs if there is any hope of changing your life for the better.

Let him know that you'll only stay if he goes to counselling with you.

Physical violence is a serious issue and even though it may have been fueled by drugs, it's totally unacceptable.

I don't agree that most abusers can't be fixed - but he needs to be willing to examine his behavior rather than just apologize. Hopefully his behavior was just a one-of occurrence and totally out of character.

If he really IS apologetic, then you both need to get some help to talk through your issues and reestablish trust.

If you don't deal with this together and work through it, it will become like a cancer in your relationship, and you'll never feel safe again.

Well its not that I don't feel safe around him. WE have talked about this over and over now he won't even push me around just playing because he knows I hate It so mucg! When that happednd I left to my mothers house for a week didn't talk to him or see him until we had both cooled off. And yes I understand that there is no excuse to violence but I've thought about it and well I don't want to give up on him! I love him so much its just so incredible... but I just don't want that to ever haPpen again

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Originally Posted by Pwincess91

Well its not that I don't feel safe around him. WE have talked about this over and over now he won't even push me around just playing because he knows I hate It so mucg! When that happednd I left to my mothers house 4 a week didn't talk to him or see him until we had both cooled off. And yes I understand that there is no excuse to violence but I've thought about it and well I don't want to give up on him! I love him so much its just so incredible...but I just dnt want that to ever haPpen again

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That's absolutely fine, and that's your choice. So, work TOGETHER on it NOT happening again.

I wish you all the luck in the world. The problem is that abusers don't change without counseling. The abuse will actually get worse with time.

Right now he's on his best behavior trying to keep you in the relationship, but at another time (maybe next week, next month or next year), it'll happen again.

Look sweetie. You are in a situation that can only end badly for you. Like you could very easily wake up dead some day. It is not worth it. Get OUT NOW! Get yourself to a safe place, then and only then do you confront him and if he is willing to get professional help, that's fine, but you MUST keep yourself safe until he can prove that he has quit drugs, is in counseling and there is not chance that he will ever do it again. In my opinion there is no room for debate on this subject. YOUR SAFETY IS PARAMOUNT AT THIS MOMENT.

Okay well I'm a married woman. But there is this one guy that I have been in love with for a very long time! I met him 5 years ago before I met my husband he's the sweetest guy I ever met! I remember when we were so close we used to walk around acting like we were together! It was just so perfect! But when we got in a fight I tried to make him jelous with another guy. That's the day I met my husband.. Since then we didn't talk for a long time! He went out with other girls and I went out with my husband. Then we broke up for a little while and I saw this guy again at a dance. We danced almost all night and talked about or ex's and the good ol days! Then my friends who I had went with to this dance ruined the moment by wanting to leave. He asked me to stay with him and dance a bit more he would take me home! But I said NO! That's the last time we spoke to each other. I've seen him around and we just smile politely. Now I'm married to my husband and I love him very much! BUT I also just found out that this is getting married to another girl. When I herd that it broke my heart into a million pieces and now I regret staying with him that night! Who knows what would have happened! And now I feel so confused I'm feeling like I'm losing the love of my life! But what can I do? I really want to talk to him and tell him how I feel... But is that wrong of me? Can you please give me ideas of what I should do!! I'm going crazy with sadness of never ever being able to be with him!

Please do not start separate threads on same subject, they have been merged

I think that you need to take a really deep breath and calm down. That's right, take a couple of deep breaths because you're out of control.

You're married, this other guy is getting married. In one of your posts you talk about loving your husband so much that it's incredible - what happened to that? The old BF is a fantasy that you're creating in your mind, because you feel dissatisfied and you're wondering if the grass would have been greener on the other side.

The best thing you can do is wish the old BF well from the bottom of your heart. The worse thing you can do is tell him how you feel - what would be the point? It would just be distressing for everyone concerned.

Come back to reality. It is pointless thinking about what might have been with this guy - you don't know, and you'll never know. Your first priority is working out what you want to do with your marriage and you must focus on that.

You are a newly wed - take the time to connect with and love your husband. It sounds as if he's making an effort - you must make one too.