Ask Me Help Desk - My Friend Cut Herself

Please help me!

I am desperate and scared right now!

My friend has a bad home life, her mom is in trouble with law for some minor issues, her sister had a kid early then left it with her mom, mom smokes, dad died a few years back, and her sister's kid is a terror. He is 4 years old, and no one disciplines him. In fact, the mom has my friend [and us whenever my other friends and I are over] watch the kid while she relaxes and watches t.v.

Then just recently my friend moved about an hour away from the city she'd lived in her whole life [14 years], and she could no longer spend much time with her real friends, which I now think that we were her one hook to sanity. The kids at her new school called her fat, made fun of her, and made her feel terrible. Her non-friends at her old school made rumors of her leaving the city because she was pregnant [she is still a virgin, her first boyfriend was three months ago and they kissed once], and hurt her feelings as well. On top of all this she is called a whore, and many other, much worse names, and her boyfriend broke up with her because he had been faking liking her.

So, all in all, a suckish life.

Today we were on MSN doing a group chat, and she told us a story that is what scares me.

Apparently she had been considering cutting herself, while at home in her room, I'm assuming alone, and was running the blade lightly over her jeans, but accidentely pressed too hard and cut herself. I was freaked at this point, and got upset with her.

She promised it was an accident, but she also said it felt good, and was describing the feeling to us.

I have no idea what to do, and plan on talking privately with my school counselor tomorrow or Friday. But first is there any advice you guys can give me?

Thank you,
Eclipse1220

Hi Eclipse,

You are right to talk to your school counselor to get you help with this issue. They will be able to get her into some counseling and also look at the home situation.

When someone cuts themselves it is for a variety of reasons and a variety of ends. I found some information on this site:

Parenting Todays Teens Self-Mutilation: Teens and Cutting

Obviously you are not a parent so all of the information will not be relevant to you and it is important to remember that your main role as a friend is to support your friend. You cannot fix her, but you can tell her that you love her and that you are behind her every step of the way.

In order to show the complexity of the issue, and thus to show you the importance of getting counsel I took from the above website simply the variety of cutters.

1. The Experimental Cutter

These kid may be cutting for no reason at all. They just want to know what it feels like and, more times than not, just scratch or touch themselves with a hot utensil, learning quickly that what all the fuss is about, is not about them. They walk away and never revisit the “cutting thing” again.

2. The Show-Off Cutter

The one who cuts to show off goes a little further than the one who is captivated by experiment and intrigue. This is one who has the tendency to be a drama queen, perhaps thrive on conflict, and displays self-centeredness in sometimes the oddest of ways. They thrive in negative attention for it is better than no attention. Feeling a lack of positives to display to gain attention, they hope to attract through showing off negatives. The more attention they can get from their actions the better. They happen to pick up cutting because it just happens to be the thing that gains attention.

3. The Shock Cutter

Some cut for the shock factor. They look at you and let you know that you don’t have control over them while they express a strong desire for independence and their own control. People wonder why some kids cut, and my response is always, “It’s got your attention doesn’t it?”

4. The Rebellious Cutter

These cutters differ from the shockers. While shockers usually do it as a cry for something, these are doing something to make you cry. They are bent on causing misery for someone else, and are willing to endure the pain to see the person suffer. It is not self-harm in their eyes…it’s done to harm you, to embarrass you. Their anger is so intense that they would sacrifice themselves to make you miserable. Their actions are dominated by a “screw you” mentality that is deep rooted in anger. It may be a type of thought process that includes the following:

- Mom and Dad, look how you guys have messed up my life…now you’ll pay.

- Why did you allow this to happen to me?

- I’ll show everyone….look what they’ve done to me?

- You think I have it all together? I’ll show you!

5. The Self-Punishment Cutter

This is the type of cutter that becomes a little more serious, a whole lot deeper in the issues, and necessitates a recovery process that demands counseling and help with thinking patterns behind the actions of cutting. It’s a longer process, and this type of cutter, along with those listed below (distraction, coping, guilt & shame, and mental issues) may require hospitalization, other professional help, or intense supervision as one must be kept safe (free from cutting) during the process of counseling and therapy.

6. The Distraction Cutter

It’s hard to imagine pain so great that creating more pain would take the focus off the original pain. This is a common answer that I hear to the question of why people cut.

7. The Coping Skill Cutter

Several times I have been so mad in my life that I’ve just wanted to punch the wall or put my fist through the wall, or hit something. The anger builds up, the intensity increases and bam, it happens. It’s the same thing when some young people cut. It’s that release of intensity. Some call it anger management with the excuse that “it’s better to hurt myself than someone else”.

8. Mental Issues and Cutting

There are times that cutting is a sign of mental issues. Mental problems are rooted in incorrect thinking patterns that are sometimes displayed in bizarre behaviors. Cutting can be one of those bizarre behaviors.

This information is not included as a tool to figure your friend out.

Instead I hope that by reading this I'm you may see that this is not a problem your friend, or yourself can handle alone. You need to get adults involved to help your friend. The issues go much deeper than simply being called fat or her nephew alone etc. Although these acts are terrible, they alone would not cause one to cut. It is the build up of a lot of things, some of which I'm sure she has kept to herself and she needs to deal with all of these in order to get better.

Sometimes when situations like this arise when the initial shock is gone it can be easy to be persuaded that everything is OK, but your friend needs some help and you are truly a good friend in helping her with this.

Let us know how everything is going please.

Also, sometimes it is easy to get engrossed in a situation like this, remember that if you need to talk there is always someone here with a sympathetic and helpful ear.

Thank you so much! That information was pretty helpful, and I plan on talking to the counselor this morning. She just happens to be my homeroom teacher, so it's quite convenient.

And yes, since she said it was an accident I'm hoping she'll be easier to help her stop doing it. I'm pretty sure she only did it once, but I have no way to tell for sure, as I haven't seen her in a month or two, and am no longer allowed at her house due to her mom and nephew.

Thank you so much, and after school I'll post an update going off what my counselor said.

I am also planning on asking my mom if she can come stay with my family for a night or two to try and release some energy.

Thanks again!
Eclipse1220

Not at all, please look at that site. Let your mom know what is going on too. Don't be afraid to talk about it with your friend, take the stigma away from it.

You are there for her and support, you are not judging her...make sure she knows this.

Yes, I am supporting her, and I am going to make sure she knows that. My other friend is as well. The harder part is my mom. She may not let me talk to her if she knows.

My school counselor gave me another website as well, and didn't ask when I didn't say my friend's name. I am keeping her annonomous for now, as I think she has only done it once, and on accident. But if she does it again I will tell everyone I can, and make sure she gets appropriate help.

Thanks again! I will keep you updated on her.

Just be warned, she may feel hurt and betrayed if you tell the school counseller, but it is important that she does get help.

(I used to self harm and when a friend of mine told the school counsellor I cut of the friendship)

However, it is probably still a good idea to tell the counseler. The most important thing is that you be there for her, so she has someone to talk to.
Also I kind of disagree with the above categorisation in that it leaves a category or two out. But that is beside the point.

Good luck, and remember, be supportive, and listen to her.

You have really come through for your friend and that is admirable. A true friend is someone who sticks with you through the horrible times and good times.. You seem to be a very caring person. God Bless!:)

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kitkat22

You have really come through for your friend and that is admirable. A true friend is someone who sticks with you through the horrible times and good times.. You seem to be a very caring person. God Bless!:)

I just try to protect my friends. They are part of my family, and I hate it when they get hurt. Thank you though.

Quote:

Originally Posted by cal823

Just be warned, she may feel hurt and betrayed if you tell the school counseller, but it is important that she does get help.

(I used to self harm and when a friend of mine told the school counsellor I cut of the friendship)

However, it is probably still a good idea to tell the counseler. The most important thing is that you be there for her, so she has someone to talk to.
Also I kinda disagree with the above categorisation in that it leaves a category or two out. But that is beside the point.

Good luck, and remember, be supportive, and listen to her.

Thank you for the advice!!