Ask Me Help Desk - I just don't know what to do anymore.

I am sitting here crying, and I needed someone to talk to about it. And aparently I can't do that here at home.

I live at home at my mom/dads house. Back in September, my cheating husband finally broke the last straw by hitting me and acting like a jerk. And I left him. My life has gotten so much better, I started school, I graduate in August, I have been generally happy, and my bipolar has been pretty non existent until today.

My daughter is 6, she has ADHD, SPD, and is being tested for aspergers. She is having a great deal of trouble in school, not due to BAD behavior, but she doesn't listen in class, when the class is reading a story she is crawling around under the tables pretending to be a kitten, when she is supposed to walk in line, she is wandering around out of line. So many other little troubles that all add up to a big problem.

I have been meeting with the school principal, school psychologist, the behavirial specialist, and her teacher and elective teachers. She has been seeing a child psychologist and an occupational therepist (for the SPD and some fine motor skill issues) outside of school as well. We met today and we ALL agree that something needs different to be done because nothing has worked so far to help ayla behave better in school and at home (I hate to use the term BETTER, there is nothing WRONG with her, don't think I'm saying she is horrible)

So I get home, and because we live with my parents, aunt and uncle and grandma, and my brother and Sister in law are over often and were here today, I tried to sit down with them and explain to them what's going on, and what needs to change.

A HUGE problem is that my mom and dad need to STOP doing everything for her, and my brother and sister need to stop with the PUNISH YELL PUNISH YELL PUNISH all the time. My parents keep saying 'she is ONLY 6' well the psychologist and teachers and myself all agree, there isn't anything ONLY about it. She is 6 years old, she is not a baby, and she is more than capable of doing some things for herself, I have SEEN her do it before we moved in with my parents. Getting dressed, putting socks and shoes on, brushing her teeth, putting her coat and backpack on, getting buckled up, they do it ALL for her the second she says 'i can't do it!' so of course at school, it's a big problem, because the second something isn't easy, she cries that she can't do it. The teacher does NOT encourage it, and HELPS her do it, rather than doing it FOR Her.
My sister in law seems to think that she is an evil devil child and needs extream discaplin. I think she feels this way simply because her own 2 children (1 and 3 years) don't have ANY behavrial issues at all. My 3 year old nephew is a very quiet and complacent child, who almost never oposes any adults instructions. My niece is only 1, and is pretty average for a 1 year old.

Well I am trying to explain all this to them, and they ALL gang up on me, start yelling at me, making me feel like a bad mom, telling me the DOCTOR is full of it and nothing is going on with ayla, telling me that her teachers are full of it because there is nothing wrong with her. They just Won't listen to me. :( :( I am sitting here crying at the computer about it, trying to get myself under control, and no one even cares. Now they think I'm just being over sensitive and dramatic. Well I'm sorry, I am trying to HELP my daughter, with the advice of DOCTORS and a teacher who has been teaching special needs kids for 30 years, and they tell me that they are WRONG.

I don't know WHAT to do. Until I finish school we are STUCK here. I am just completely LOST and losing myself.

Hello Jenni,

First off, I am going through a similar situation... Try not to get down on yourself! It's very hard and will most likely get worst before it gets better.

She has ADHD? Is she on medication for that?

Not yet enigma, being that she is only barely 6 and in kindergarten, I wanted to wait as long as possible. But I am starting to reconsider. I am ADHD and bipolar and have been medicated since 1st grade, and some meds I have no problem with (ritalin I trust wholly) I just hoped I could wait on it. But maybe not.

Hello again Jennie,

As much as I hate to push medications on someone, I think it might be a good time to try it out and see how it works for her. Do her Doctors think she should be on medication?

Also, I know parents are parents, however, this is YOUR daughter, and you need to do what's best for her. I went through the same thing... My Husband cheated,then hit me. I took the kids and moved in with my Parents. They told me how to raise my children... So on and so forth. I amno longer there. I love my parent as I am sure you love yours, but again, she is your daughter.

See what the doctor says about getting her started on the medicine now. If she is probably going to be taking it soon, you might want to go ahead. It may help with THAT issue.

As far as the brother and his wife disciplining her, that needs to stop NOW. My wife and I raise our boys, no other "help" is needed. I tell my mother, and all of the in-laws, that if there is a problem, come to me or my wife. We are the only ones that can be ugly to our kids. Kidding(not really). Tell everyone involved that YOU are in charge of your daughter's welfare and behavior.

The sooner you get out of your parents' house, the better. Keep doing what you are doing, working and going to school, and you will be fine one day soon. Set your goals and stick to them.

Pray that God grants you serenity in the meanwhile.

I have prayed for you Jennie. I am pulling for you and your little girl.

Quote:

Originally Posted by jmjoseph

See what the doctor says about getting her started on the medicine now. If she is probably going to be taking it soon, you might want to go ahead. It may help with THAT issue.

As far as the brother and his wife disciplining her, that needs to stop NOW. My wife and I raise our boys, no other "help" is needed. I tell my mother, and all of the in-laws, that if there is a problem, come to me or my wife. We are the only ones that can be ugly to our kids. Kidding(not really). Tell everyone involved that YOU are in charge of your daughter's welfare and behavior.

The sooner you get out of your parents' house, the better. Keep doing what you are doing, working and going to school, and you will be fine one day soon. Set your goals and stick to them.

Pray that God grants you serenity in the meanwhile.

I have prayed for you Jennie. I am pulling for you and your little girl.

Thank you joseph. I hope its not innapropriet to say, but your wife is SO VERY lucky to have you to lean on in hard times! Your prayers mean more to me than any other words could. *hugs*
I agree, when I see her psychologist on Friday I am going to ask about her seeing the psychiatrist for some ritalin. I was/am ADHD and I always trusted ritalin. It really does work (if the child REALLY has ADHD, its over diagnosed a lot lately) and it had almost no side effects. The only one I remember was I would get a little sleepy by the end of the day, probably a 'crash' effect lol.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Enigma1999

Hello again Jennie,

As much as I hate to push medications on someone, I think it might be a good time to try it out and see how it works for her. Do her Doctors think she should be on medication?

Also, I know parents are parents, however, this is YOUR daughter, and you need to do what's best for her. I went through the same thing... My Husband cheated,then hit me. I took the kids and moved in with my Parents. They told me how to raise my children.... So on and so forth. I amno longer there. I love my parent as I am sure you love yours, but again, she is your daughter.

I agree, I originally didn't like the idea of medicine for her especially this soon in life, but I definitely think I should at least try it. If it helps it would be so much the better.
Her doctors are with me 100% they asked what I would like to do, and I said I have nothing against meds and I would consider it later but I was not quite ready at first. And they said I need to be comfratable and they will support me in any way that they can, with or without medication.

1. take mom and perhaps aunt to school counseling meeting with you and to the doctor

But at the end of the day, if you live in mom and dads house, they are going to run things they way they want, no matter if you want it that way or not

Jennie, there are drugs that are less harsh then ritalin and work just as well. Jared is on Stratera (sp?) and it makes a world of difference with his ADHD, but it doesn't have the side effects that I've heard ritilan has.

You might want to start there and then work your way up if it doesn't work.

Good luck to you an Ayla.

I agree chuck, I'm trying to accept it and just let it roll off my sholders. It can be hard sometimes, but its what I got to do right now. Mostly I just needed to vent it out at that moment. I feel a little better now. (cursed bipolar/BPD)

Thanks alty, I had forgotten about stratera, I saw it on TV once and that was it. The only ones I know are ritalin, sylert, depakote and adderall, all of which were terrible except for the ritalin, which was great until I was older (about 6th grade it stopped working) after that things got nuts cause they kept misdiagnosing my bipolar as clinical depression when I was a teen, and antidepressiants were either making me suicidal or psychotic! Lol.
If it doesn't have side effects and it works I will definitely try the stratera before the ritalin cause I do remember ritalin being kind of... hmm... you explained it well, harsh lol.

Ritalin scared the bejesus out of me, that's why I was so upset when I found out that Jared had ADHD. I've heard so many bad things about it. Still, if there aren't any other drugs that work, ritilan does do what it's supposed to do, I'd just exhaust other option first.

Jared is under doctors care, we go back every 3 months to make sure that the pills are still working and that the dosage is correct. It can take time to find the meds that work but it's always best to start with the mildest and work your way up.

I feel for you Jennie. If my mother-in-law was still alive she'd be giving me a very hard time about having Jared on meds. To her ADHD is a made up disease to put money in doctors pockets.

You know the problem and you have a solution. You have to do what's best for Ayla and only you have the right to make that choice, not your parents or anyone else.

Easier said then done but you've shown that you have the backbone to stand up to far worse, so you'll get through this.

Now grab a tissue, dry your eyes and know that it will all be okay, you're doing what you need to do and that's what counts. :)

*hugs* thanks alty, you always know just what to say.
Your MIL sounds like my dad. He thinks doctors are quacks trying to get rich off whatever they can. He thinks that aylas SPD is a made up disease for kids who's parents don't teach them not to eat things. Yeah, like I told her it was OK to eat computer cords or dirt or rocks or leaves lol. *sarcastic*

Ayla is going every 2 weeks right now, once she starts showing improovement and is on meds that work for her, it will probably cut down too.

*hugs* thanks for the encouragement hon. Its so hard to do all this stuff, and believe that I can do it. But I am doing it and I know I can do the rest of it too. I hope anyway.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Altenweg

Ritalin scared the bejesus out of me, that's why I was so upset when I found out that Jared had ADHD. I've heard so many bad things about it. Still, if there aren't any other drugs that work, ritilan does do what it's supposed to do, I'd just exhaust other option first.

Jared is under doctors care, we go back every 3 months to make sure that the pills are still working and that the dosage is correct. It can take time to find the meds that work but it's always best to start with the mildest and work your way up.

I feel for you Jennie. If my mother-in-law was still alive she'd be giving me a very hard time about having Jared on meds. To her ADHD is a made up disease to put money in doctors pockets.

You know the problem and you have a solution. You have to do what's best for Ayla and only you have the right to make that choice, not your parents or anyone else.

Easier said then done but you've shown that you have the backbone to stand up to far worse, so you'll get through this.

Now grab a tissue, dry your eyes and know that it will all be okay, you're doing what you need to do and that's what counts. :)

There are also herbal alternatives for ADHD, the cost is more out of pocket, but the results have no side effects.

My son was on Adderall since the age of 4. His symptoms at thirteen are just as bad when he is unmedicated. But the loss of appetite really bothered him. In talking to his doctor there is not an ADHD medication that doesn't have this side effect. So we have been using herbal medication, Attend and behavioral correction. He still has bad days once in a while, but at no more loss of appetite, hallucinations or difficulty sleeping.

Your family has to understand that ayla is YOUR child and what you say about YOUR daughter and what needs to happen SHOULD happen. They have NO right telling you how to raise your kid. Think of what your sister would say if you started to say/do things to her children that she asked you not to or tell her she is wrong about HER child. I'm assuming she wouldn't be to happy about it!

Thanks justy. I do agree I like the herbal alternatives. When I was a teen and ritalin didn't work anymore, I was on st johns wart and ginko biloba. It didn't help ALL the way like ritalin did, but it wasn't so harsh and it helped me learn how to control myself rather than letting the meds control me.

Her doctor said that sometimes herbs can be harder for kids though, especially the st johns wart is easy to accedentally overdose on with kids.

Yeah I didn't like how with ritalin, after the end of the day, I would crash really bad. And I had to take a med for sleep (aterax I think is how its spelled, its not a sleep pill its an antihystamine, but it worked) because after the ritaline crashed, I got hyper again. I hated that. I HATED adderall though. It made me feel more out of control than ever!

My doctor (when I was little) suggested a half cup of watered down coffee in the morning before school. And I tried it for a week. But there wasn't enough of an improovement to justify it, since from what I understand, coffee is BAD for little kids if they have it all the time. So I decided to stop that lol.

Right now she is meeting with her psychologist, and we see him again tomorrow, and he is suggesting that even if we aren't ready to try meds, it can be helpful for the psychiatrist to do a work up with her. So we are going to look into that. She sees an occupational therepist through the school. But that just recently started, and I'm a little miffed at her teacher, because her teacher was supposed to give her the chew stick that helps sensory processing disorder kids with an oral fixation. Its basically a tongue depressor lol. But the teacher never gave it to her yet. GRR. And the teacher HAS them. I WATCHED the therepist hand them to the teacher. Ugh.

Thank you ladies for all the advice and support. *hugs* :) I miss you guys by the way.

Quote:

Originally Posted by britEl

Your family has to understand that ayla is YOUR child and what you say about YOUR daughter and what needs to happen SHOULD happen. They have NO right telling you how to raise your kid. Think of what your sister would say if you started to say/do things to her children that she asked you not to or tell her she is wrong about HER child. I'm assuming she wouldn't be to happy about it!

Yeah that has happened before. My sister in law put her foot down and raised heck to my mom when my mom butted in and tried to raise her son. She didn't put up with it, laid down the law and walked out of the house and stayed out until my mom stopped.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm not a very strong person in some ways. In some ways I AM. But sometimes, I just can't do stuff like that. I just don't know how. I'm working on it though.

There is another one out now, within the past two years, called 'Concerta'. Benefits include it has a longer effect and needs to be taken only once in the morning. My daughter will be starting it next week. She's an adult, but it is effective for both.

http://www.concerta.net/index.html

Hey jake2008. I saw a pamphlet at the doc office today and was going to come here and ask about concerta :P it looks great. I'm going to let the doc do the work up and let him decide wh ich is best, some of them work better for different levels of ADHD. Or he may decide that instead of a med for the ADHD, getting the SPD with occupational therepy under control may help more than meds could.

Yes, let's hope it does the trick Jenn.