I came across this website and decide to submit a question and hope anyone could help me solve my problems, at least make me feel better.

The question involves me with my girlfriend, just when things seem so well, we promised we would marry if the time comes and I without a doubt have no problems with it. She comes from another country and has visa problems, apprently she recently has problems with the duration of her visa and will expire at around June/July this year. I always support her and encourage her to continue her studies and so she could renew her visa for longer until the time we could get married and make her a permanent resident.

She doesn't want to study anymore and only wanted to work to earn money, to support her choice I couldn't force her to study anymore, especially I had told her several times not to give up. I guess it didn't work.

The real problem lies and starts here, she spoke to one of my past friends and talked about marriage, she asked about what college doesn't require to attend 100% so she could extend her visa and stay longer while she can work and doesn't need to go to college. My friends only joked and said she could marry me and my friend told me she said "how about i marry you" and my friend which was a boy said "im gay" as a joke. I wouldn't want to know if my friend said yes I would be very sad, because he was my best friend.

But, I spoke with her about the problem, unfortunately it didn't turn out very nice, in fact it had a terrible ending for both of us. Sometimes I have this very slight feeling she wouldn't ask me anything, she wouldn't ask me to search a college for her, but instead ask someone else.

I did talk with my friend about me and her situation, all he could tell me was "even if we married, she might have a chance to get permanant visa and break with me if the relation couldn't be sustained" partly I think he was right. My girlfriend did tell me she doesn't want to get married because people and family might think she is tricking me just to get the visa. If she doesn't break with me after the marriage she wouldn't be tricking me right?

As a caring person I couldn't find another solution and could only encourage her to find another person she truly loves and will be willing to marry him, she was very unhappy but I was in the same as her when I told her to find another person, it took allot of courage to say something you wouldn't want to say in your life and hurt the other person, especially if you love her so much, I may look like a bad person that's what I always say to myselve every moment, but what other choice do I have if she wouldn't marry me, she will have to go back to her country.

She told me she had tried everything except the marriage. Now her person has changed towards me and she no longer likes me like she used to, I did apologize to her but she didn't have her mobile turned on, it was on until I called her the phone was off after next call. I sent her a voicemail to apologize and talked about my feelings and wish I never said that to her. This tells me our relationship is over? My heart is very painful every moment and I couldn't do anything to make myselve feel better, it was my fault but I only did what I felt work.

It seems everything didn't turn out right, first she promised to marry me long time ago and now she doesn't want to because she is afraid what people will think about her after she does. I told her everything will be fine and its between the two of us and no one else. Sometimes I felt she doesn't have the "determination" with me. I wouldn't say how we started was a good start, we came this far after going through so much to finally realize just one sentence could ruin everything.

What can I do? I hope someone could clear my head, I'm so depressed and couldn't sleep at nights.

I can only assume her feelings changed and it seems she's honest enough to not marry for a visa.

There is not a lot you can do as she doesn't get in touch to talk things over.

Go no contact and start healing from the breakup

At the top of the relationship page there are stickies with good advice on how to handle situations such as this.

I wouldn't be thinking about marriage with her at this point in time. Especially don't marry her if it's only to keep her in the country.

You should both be sure that marriage is what you want - you currently have doubts and you've expressed these to her. Marriage is a very serious commitment and it doesn't sound as if your relationship has a solid foundation for marriage. Your expectations of each other are different and now your trust in her has been damaged.

If the relationship was meant to be she would have the 'determination' and what other people think wouldn't matter.

I suspect it's probably time to let her go.

Amicon > Thanks for your reply, visa has always been a big problem in my family line, my cousins and family relative has been tricked before because they married to a women and broke up, lost everything even the property, when I thought about the marriage I never thought about these things, because I thought I could have the best with her but from reading your comment and thinking things over ( I went out to buy a chocolate pudding with custard ^^) I finally realize from start of my relationship with her, I tried my best to make her happy, I was always the one that formally went to visit her, my heart wishes her to visit me but not even once I felt happy because I never had been visited by her. She didn't even bother to give me an excuse except busy all the time. I felt I ways the one that always mend the relationship and making it work, but alone I'm very tired and cannot do it alone, I did tell her because I thought both person can solve it, but even when we talked I feel like she doesn't want to talk about it. I did have some previous problems with her, it wasn't long ago when I seen her we spent the whole day together, nearly at the end, I went to reach out for her hand but she avoided me, my heart was sad and when she avoid me she lookd at me, I didn't understand what she wants to tell me.
Gemini> There are friends that don't mind about marriage, I consider them to be very carefree and open and marry without investing quality times with each other, but you mention about not marriage at this point of time, I will take that into consideration. I did offer and the problem is she always leaves an open answer, almost like she is choosing. I took some time to think today, although I did leave her a message and told her the whole situation about her visa, I think I will not marry her now, whether she is using me or not, she doesn't give me the impression she is ready to accept me.

As to giving up on her, who would actually say they give up is an easy thing to do, I'm very sad and I know doing things will move your concentration from her, I can be strong sometimes from handling certain circumstances, but I was the one that really made the whole relationship to work and giving up is not very easy thing to do.

Don't see it as giving up. See it as giving her space to decide what's really important to her.

You tried your best my friend, but it takes two people working together to build something they both want.

Her agenda is her only consideration, and working with you is not part of it for her.

You have seen enough red flags to know this is not a happy union, and needs to be dissolved.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Don't see it as giving up. See it as giving her space to decide whats really important to her.

You tried your best my friend, but it takes two people working together to build something they both want.

Her agenda is her only consideration, and working with you is not part of it for her.

You have seen enough red flags to know this is not a happy union, and needs to be dissolved.

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Thanks for your help. I really appreciated it. It seems there's nothing more I could do anyway, just ignoring closed all the doors of entering and that's the fact. I always would like both to work things out, but as you said it never felt that way, she had her own thinking and decides on her own, I feel like I sometimes don't have a say in the conversation even if I was right I get put in the situation I was the wrong, thinkign about its very funny because everything gets turn the other way round.
I only need time, I only hope it passes quick so my heart can heal.

You will heal,with time and patience.
Stay busy and take care of yourself.

Keep busy and you will see how clear your mind gets. With a clear mind you can make a better judgment decision

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Romefalls19

Keep busy and you will see how clear your mind gets. With a clear mind you can make a better judgment decision

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I have work tomorrow so hopefully I could concentrate my focus away from this problem, but humans are humans, they are not god. They are weak and will turn their thoughts back to the subject eventually, or maybe I'm too weak to get away? I tried everything I could, but there's no other way except accept the fact.

Thanks for your support guys, I really needed these words to support myselve, looks like I already met some great friends here.

Come back and tell us how you get on.
Good luck.

Take care, and try not to let all your thoughts and regrets consume you. They do quieten down after time!

So I had study and work today, only had 4 hours sleep because I couldn't sleep until 5am and woke up at 9am, all day I felt extremely tired.

Going back onto the subject, I wouldn't say I extremely threw away traces from my head, but working does take me away from the suffering, I wish I had work everyday but I only work part time at the moment.
It was actually quite unfair when I think about this, one of my colleague has got back with her boyfriend although she told me her boyfriend was a two timer, I couldn't believe how she could accept him, then I think about the girl I once loved, before she was with me, she didn't really give up on her boyfriend very easily, but if I ask myselve if she will go back to him I would have to say most likely because its her first love, so why am I wasting my time on her? That is just my feeling at the moment and only this is supporting my thoughts of leaving her. I also called her today because I don't want to make people think I'm a cold hearted person and just throw her away, that's just me. But even though I did call her, she didn't answer the call, in fact the whole day I didn't receive any calls, it was what I expected from her. I don't want to make myselve like I need her desperately, the reason I called her is so I don't show a bad image of myselve, I treat everyone like this because I respect other people.

After this call, I can rest assure I will not get a chance with her again, thinking that aside it was also a big problem for me, about the marriage that is which I have forgotten, I can't believe it. When I marry her I need to give her parents £30k and I really didn't know why I missed this point, maybe because I thought we both loved each other and she doesn't require me to give this amount, but I guess I would have to and I cannot do it because we are not in the best situation to think about this marriage thing.

I looked at people and I always see them being together so cute and warm, but when I'm with her I don't get that. I tried.. but as some people have mentioned before both person have to work together, I feel I'm the only one that's doing the work. So today I said to myselve I can live and carry on without any girlfriends, I will stay healthy.

I feel so much better after taking my words from inside my heart, I'm glad I have some nice people to listen to my suffering. Thanks for your support and I will stay strong, here's some of my advice, when you do find someone you can be with, it will happen natually. I am talking how true love can be natually meet, but I do not have a solution to cure a broken heart. Even after saying this, I can't say I have completely healed, but I have found points to say to myselve why the relation is so bad, this will make yourselve better and you deserve better for putting so much into the relationship, I have put so much that I couldn't even support myselve, but now it has been very stable in my economy but now I know I won't make the same mistake.

Go no contact now and continue healing. It will take some time,but be patient with yourself.
Make sure that you keep busy and get your sleeping pattern back on track.
Physical exercise will help you feel better,so go to the gym or go running or both.

Come back here whenever you need to.
Take care.

Threads merged.

I have met this girl for a couple of months now, and I actually treated her like a normal friend until because I find her very interesting especially the way how she acts. We happen to work in the same part time job and it was very funny, we distance ourselves when we are with the people we know and go meet each other out (As friends) when we have free time. I couldn't believe I felt happy with this person, the reason I thought we distance ourselves was so no one thinks we are that close but we understand that we both actually like each other very much as friends.

It was on this Wednesday when I texted her after taking her to the train station because she lives 10 from me after catching the train. The text was about how I felt and I told her I would like to further our relationship to another level and told her I really liked her, she took some time to reply but I managed to get an answer. She told me she appreciated it with a smile but she had a lot of things to do and too tired, so she wants more time. When this happens it could either mean both ways whether I succeed or whether I failed. This I do not know but I actually managed to find out more about her past and I noticed she had a boyfriend and been in a relationship with him for 4 months and it happens to be her first love, before I couldn't understand what her Facebook motto means when it said "To forget a boy you need to find a new one" but now I actually understand a little better about her motto. She and her boyfriend broke up quite some time ago and I'm unsure if that affected her decision.

I get mixed opinions from my friends and siblings and its very hard to distinguish, my ex girlfriend problem I had before I solved with the help of these people on this website and I would like you guys to help me once again. To be honest I feel the girl I liked very much always have boyfriends and first love that I almost felt I hate myself for having these situations.

All I could say is I really want to take care of her and treat her with delicate because I feel this girl is very nice, but I just don't know, yesterday I was on the edge of giving up after receiving the message from her. I will see her on Saturday but I know she will act weird when we see, possibly she won't even look at me at all. So maybe I should just apologize to her for saying that, and explain why I actually said it? The reason I said it yesterday because I know she will go to another part of UK in September for university and I will not see her again much often so I had to express my feelings, although the text wasn't that much of my feelings, but I managed to tell her how I feel. At least I got it out from my heart and received an answer, but what's my next step going to be?

Brothers, sisters please help me.

I would probably have done the same thing as you (just not in text form) It's too hard in a text to get across your emotions, and the person receiving the text could totally take it a different way than it was intended. In the future, these things are much better expressed in person. Anyway, like you said, she's leaving and you wanted to let her know how you felt before she did, I can understand that.

However, she was honest with you and expressed that she is very busy and needs more time (whether or not this is the truth, or a nice way of turning you down, I'm not sure) But, what we do know is, you did all you could do, you told her how you felt and now the ball is in her court. I don't know how recently she broke up with her boyfriend, but it sounds like she needs time to heal.

If you have a moment on Saturday, perhaps you should pull her aside and explain yourself better, face to face. But, keep in mind she told you she needs more time, so don't come across needy or pushy. Tell her you completely understand and respect her feelings, however you just wanted to explain better in person why you told her the things you did. Good Luck.

You are pressing the issue. She told you she needs more time, so that means, to me, she is letting you down easy. Casual friends is all she wants to be right now. End of story.

Tick

I think you both need to remain friends for right now. I don't know how far along in healing she is, but you haven't been out of your last relationship for very long. If you aren't careful, you will end up getting involved with her before you have truly healed.

I am concerned that you think you need to declare your intentions before she goes off to Uni. I hope that you aren't subconsciously placing a time table on your relationship with her. Just because she is going off to Uni doesn't mean that you have to lose touch with her if she is a friend and not a girlfriend.

Her Facebook motto, "To forget a boy you need to find a new one", seems apt for you, too. It is, however, a bad idea. You cannot use one person to get over another and not expect problems in the new relationship. Keep things friendly and don't press for answers or push your need to explain yourself onto her.

If the discussion comes up, then by all means, be open and honest. However, first be open and honest with yourself about what you think you are feeling.

I just read all your suggestions, I'm very proud to hear your answers guys. I guess this problem seems like it won't end up being nice so I think the best solution is to expain to her and tell her I will not rush anything. I will just be her friend now and won't think too much about anything else. Your probably right I may need to reconsider because I want a healthy relationship and not just anything from the unknown, your opinions really helped me decide what I MUST do.

Thanks guys.

Good luck and let us know how you get on.

Good luck.

Remember that there is nothing wrong with just being friends. Sometimes, I think there is an expectation that males and females should want to be more and it causes them to 'believe' that the feelings are deeper than they really are.