Ask Me Help Desk - Scared of my younger Brother.

Some of you may or may not know that I have a younger brother.

He is 17, and also weighs close to 200lbs, He's a big boy, and he has anger issues. Frankly, I'm terrified of him when he's angry.
He has mental health issues (He's been diagnosed with a higher functioning type of aspergers) and sometimes when he gets angry it leads to aggression. I will give examples.

One time he took a piano keyboard out of my room without asking, when I went to find it, it was sitting by the couch so I went to get it. Then out of nowhere he got really angry and yanked it out of my hands, and proceeded to throw it at me. I'm not a very big person, I weigh a little over half of what he weighs (around 110) and I can't do much against him if he decides to hit me other than dodge it or take off.

We've been having problems with him for months. About a week ago he threw my mother across the living room so that he could leave the house. The cops would not keep him because she was holding him there or something, I don't understand all of those rules, but it was apparent that he had issues so she tried to take him to a psychiatriac evaluation center to see if they could help him. They turned him away saying that it was nothing more than behavioral problems.

Tonight he got aggressive again. He has been beligerant all day because my mother had taken away his videogames and took them to my grandfather's house so that he could get his grades up. So he's been yelling and screaming at every little thing. Then tonight he found out that his Banana costume was missing. He asked my mom where it was and she said that she threw it out because she thought it didn't fit him anymore and he went CRAZY. He was yelling at her "You 'effing B-word I want that $30 by tomorrow" and got angry. My mom said she was sorry and that she would replace it when she had the money. He wasn't satisfied so he kept yelling at her so she went in to her room and went to bed. After that he went in her room, ripped the blanked off her and her husband, screamed "EFF YOU!" and took off in to the hallway.

After he setteled down to sleep (he sleeps on the couch, we live in a 2 bedroom) I was in my room and remembered that I needed to do some stuff tomorrow so I had to write a note. My door was barely cracked and I turned on the lamp beside my bed so I could jot it down really quick and he started screaming at me "Trun off your EFFING LIGHT I'M TRYING TO SLEEP" And I said "Sorry give me 2 seconds and it will be off, i have to write something down really quick before i forget' (I didn't need to get out of bed) So he came in my room, threw something at me (it wasn't big and i don't know what it was) and turned out my light. i asked him to close the door on his way out and i turned my light back on, finished my note, turned off the light and opened my door a little bit again. (My cat comes in and out of my room at night, if I don't leave it open she scratches at the door)

Then my boyfriend called me, I had the phone in hand because I was about to text him goodnight, so when it range it only went off for a second and I picked up. I kept my voice at a low whisper and my brother started screaming at me to "Get off the effing phone you stupid b-word, I'm trying to sleep" and I didn't reply, my boyfriend could hear all of this. i continued to talk to him a little bit because I was saying goodnight and goodbye as my brother was screaming at me, And i was still trying very hard to be quiet. Finally he came in my room screaming and shaking my mattress and saying the same stuff he was saying, all while my boyfriend was on the phone. I told my brother "the way you're behaving right now is not okay, I'm trying to be considerate by being quiet for you and you are freaking out, you need to stop please' he continued to shake my mattress and finally tore my blankets off me and took them out of the room with him. I didn't get up to follow him or anything, I just said to my boyfriend "I'm sorry, did you hear that" and he was terrified that my brother had hit me, and Very VERY angry about what he had heard.
He told me that I shouldn't let my brother do that to me and If he starts to get like that to call the cops before he actually did damage to me.

The thing is, is that I agree with him. My brother should not be getting physically violent and freaking out about things the way he has been. And I'm terrified he's going to hurt me. What's worse is that usually it has to get to the point to where someone is actually hurt before anyone does naything about it. My mother is going to take him to a therapist and try to see if they can't get him on medication. He's just volitile and easily agitated in to aggression. I don't have the means to move out at the moment. What should I do should something like this happen again? I'm really scared that he's going to really snap sometime and hurt someone or himself. Please help.

People with aspergers tend to have difficulty with social skills and difficult behaviour issues.

There have been studies in applied behaviour analyis (aba) which have been successful in giving them coping skills and regonising triggers.

It would seem from your post your brother is very frustrated,and living with him is causing a lot of distress.

Perhaps your mother could mention ABA treatment when seeing the doctor and look into centres which provide training.

I don't know what country you are in,but if you pm me I can look up some details for you.

In ireland,england,and america,advances in studies into aspergers have produced amazing results,and training is usually funded or part funded by the government. (dont hold me to that until I can check into what country you are in,if you wish.)

You are in a difficult position.

When was he diagnosed, and has this increased aggressive behaviour a more recent development?

Does he go to school, and how does he manage there. What about social situations. I am curious if his behaviour is more of a situational thing in his home. Does he have friends, activities?

I agree there seems to be triggers, but I'm wondering if there may be something more specific going on that might explain some of this.

Well, to start off: we live in Minnesota, our father isn't around much, he lives in Hawaii. My brother and I had kind of a rough past after their divorce. When my mother got custody of us she moved in with a man that was very emotionally abusive, and he abused drugs. This was when he was around 8 or 9. We lived with this man for about 5 years. During that time my brother had been in and out of Therapy sessions, Psychiatric evaluation, wards, and even kind of like a larger psych ward. They misdaignosed him many times giving him all sorts of medications for anything between Depression, Bipolar and ADHD. He started getting aggressive when we started living with this man, so I know that plays a HUGE role in his behavior, as well as the misdiagnoses and wrong medications. But he seems to get increasingly volitile during sporatic times. Sometimes it lasts months while others it's only about a week.

As far as friends go, he only has a few. I'll give a list of not real names, that represent real people: Todd, Mark, John, Nate, Thomas and Patrick. He's allowed to hang out with them from time to time, but all he does when he goes over there is play videogames.

My mother took all his game stuff over to my grandfather's house until he passes school or at least gets his grades up. ( I agree with this because all he would do is sit and play them and not work on his homework.) My mother would try to ask him nicely, remind him, give him time limits on the games and he's yell at her to stop bugging him. I honestly think he might be kind of addicted to the videogames, (although supposedly there's no evidence for gaming addiction) Since they've been taken away he's been acting like he has withdraw symptoms. So pretty much, he can't have what he wants so he's lashing out.

Everyone just wants to help him out, Especially because he might not pass high school. He's in his Final year and he already has to repeat classes.

My mother is taking him to some therapist today who apparently specializes in Aspergers syndrome. And my mother said that she was going to get him some APA studys. So I don't know, What I'm worried about is what should I do if he comes after me like that again? These aren't the only instances.

For one thing you can get protection for yourself. You can find out what it takes to carry a tazer in your state. Get the needed permits and if it ever comes down to it then you have it. Another thing is if he gets like that you can always dial 911 and drop the phone. Everything he says will be recorded. Under those conditions they would take him away and evaluate him. Part of the reason its continuing is because it is being allowed to continue. Is he in any sports where he can knock off some of the energy he has bottled up ?

Nonviolent Crisis Intervention ® Training Program

No offense calidadof3 but I think a tazer would be extreme,without first looking into other methods.

Most hospitals and mental health care professionals would be familiar with non violent crisis intervention.

I have posted a link going into the details,if ohso or her mother spoke to the doctor over her brother and ask for advice on other types of intervention.

Aspergers is a disorder,it can be managed successfully,with an array of training techniques suitable for every behaviour disorder.

I would certainly ask the doctor about family training available and/or family support.

Quote:

Originally Posted by redhed35

Nonviolent Crisis Intervention ® Training Program

no offense calidadof3 but i think a tazer would be extreme,without first looking into other methods.

most hospitals and mental health care professionals would be familiar with non violent crisis intervention.

i have posted a link going inot the details,if ohso or her mother spoke to the doctor over her brother and ask for advice on other types of intervention.

aspergers is a disorder,it can be managed successfully,with an array of training techniques suitable for every behaviour disorder.

i would certainly ask the doctor about family training available and/or family support.

Here is the problem. We ARE talking in the extreme. Im not saying to make it a reguler part of things its only a last resort. What you have to understand is what happens when it goes too far ? That is the real question. So if the OP feels its gone over the top and has to use something like that then it is there. Like a fire extinguisher. You NEVER want to use it but just in case the extreme happens its nice to have it hanging there. If the suggestions you have made don't work and it escalates to a point it gets bloody then what ? I feel prepare for the worst and hope for the best. It's a last resort. And if you think it sounds odd or bad imagine what would happen if the police come across a crazy person and he decides to rush them ? This happened near me recently. The police didn't know about the mental condition and when that person attatcked the officer they defended with clear shots to the chest and that person lay dead. Better a live brother then to have to watch that unfold.

Quote:

Originally Posted by califdadof3

Here is the problem. We ARE talking in the extreme. Im not saying to make it a reguler part of things its only a last resort. What you have to understand is what happens when it goes too far ? That is the real question. So if the OP feels its gone over the top and has to use something like that then it is there. Like a fire extinguisher. You NEVER want to use it but just in case the extreme happens its nice to have it hanging there. If the suggestions you have made dont work and it escalates to a point it gets bloody then what ? I feel prepare for the worst and hope for the best. Its a last resort. And if you think it sounds odd or bad imagine what would happen if the police come across a crazy person and he decides to rush them ? This happened near me recently. The police didnt know about the mental condition and when that person attatcked the officer they defended with clear shots to the chest and that person lay dead. Better a live brother then to have to watch that unfold.

I do see your point,and I take on board that the ops brother is certainly in need of intervention and the op and her family need support and the tools and skills to PREVENT this behaviour and to know what the triggers are.

A locked door,can give ample time for the police to get there,my fear would be that with a weapon in the heat of the moment that the brother would take the weapon,and /or the op causes undue physical damage through fear.

Preventative steps need to be taken immediently, and by that I mean today,so the worst should it happen,the family are equipped the deal with it.

ABA Consultants and Service Providers

Autism Society Canada

West Metro Learning Connections, Inc. A Center for Social Skills Development in Minneapolis, St. Paul MN metro area

Here are some links that you may find useful,they are in Minnesota,the 3rd link offers details on family grants for therapys in your area.

I think Mace or pepper spray would be less harmful, but just as effective. I need to get some anyway for when I walk home from work some nights. But I would really hate using it on him. The thing is, that somebody's physical safety is at risk. If not mine or my mother's then his or a strangers. Hopefully the therapy and ABA works. He's on his way to the appointment today. I know it's not going to take just one, but at least it's a start. And I am going to get a lock on the door.

He can be the sweetest kid sometimes but when he's angry I don't want to be around him, he hasn't done anything to me so far that has been very damaging but on occasions it could have been had he not missed or pulled the punches. He's kicked me in the head before too. I've gotten in to a serious wrestling match with him, he was angry and even while he was holding back I could barely move. All he has to do is sit on me and I'm pinned. Somehow, once, I think by sheer adrenaline and will power and the fact that he was holding back was I able to get free from under him. I was twisting the fat on his stomach, and I stuck my finger tips hard inside his armpit. Don't know if that's why but I was able to get up. After he kicked me in the head about 4 times. If he hadn't been holding back I might have been knocked unconscious. (this was 2 years ago)

At school once he threw a desk at a wall. It scared the crap out of everyone in the room and everyone in the room next to them. He rips things out of peoples hands and busts mugs in the kitchen. If it can put a dent in the floor, it can put a worse dent in a person. I don't want that to happen.

Quote:

Originally Posted by redhed35

ABA Consultants and Service Providers

Autism Society Canada

West Metro Learning Connections, Inc. A Center for Social Skills Development in Minneapolis, St. Paul MN metro area

here are some links that you may find useful,they are in Minnesota,the 3rd link offers details on family grants for therapys in your area.

Thank you. I will write these down and show them to my mother. She will understand more on how to deal with it than I do. After what happened last night, my boyfriend wants me to move out ASAP, he was scared for me and he wants me out of the house or my brother locked up. I'm sure it was terrifying being on the other end of that phone call and being three hours away.

A tazer is extreme, and unnecessary. You cannot, as far as I now, own or operate one unless you are a licensed professional, at least in Canada.

It seems to me that the problems revolve around him not controlling his anger. My questions were to maybe try to see if he is capable of that. He is 17, and 17 year olds do everything you have described, and then some, with drugs, etc. without having severe mental illness.

The difference lies in what is manageable, and what needs medical intervention, before it escalates into physical violence, property damage, and 911 calls.

I have taken non-violent crisis intervention classes, and learned moves and techniques that have not only prevented broken bones, but have allowed me to restrain an individual. There are specific moves that will prevent injury to both parties, that are not difficult to learn. Red is absolutely right. Don't be a sitting duck, and learn what you have to learn, as should your mother as well. This could very well prevent police jumping on him, with tazers, and causing him injury.

You could also get a lock for your door, and move the kitty litter and the cat into your room at night. Being afraid will not improve or change his behaviour, find out all you can.

I know you're in a really tough spot right now, and you're likely very worried for your mother as well. There are so many possibilities of what he could have. I would hope that if they prescribe new medication for him, there will be follow-up, and you and your mother will know how much of his aggression is controllable, and what you can and cannot expect of him, to learn himself, how to control his anger.

It may have much to do with a diagnosis, and maybe it doesn't. The violence may have more to do with managing the behaviour, than the illness itself.

Please keep posting with the progress. I hope your mother got some good information.

My brother had an extreme meltdown the other night. It was bad. I need to go to bed now but I'm posting now so I can remember to fill you in tomorrow when I'm on. I have to go to bed and get up early for work in the morning.

Put it this way, he's in a temporary home for a week until we can get him intensive therapy every day.

So here's the story. My grandmother is sick and we were going to go visit her. My brother didn't want to go without his videogames. My mom took them away when he started failing school and brought them to my grandfather's house. He started yelling at my mom in the car to turn the car around and go back to get them. When she wouldn't, in the moving car, he proceeded to tear apart a box used for groceries and throw pieces at us. He tore the upholsry off the back of my seat, called me a b-word when I asked him to calm down and then called my mom a wh--e. All screming at us. We almost crashed and I was terrified.

Just saw this thread.

I wish there was something I could say but I can't relate.

But, what I can say is that I don't recommend treating your brother like a criminal by tasing and macing him. He's waaaay out of line but he's still your brother. He won't forget it and he'll just retaliate once he recovers.

The best solution is to move out. You must be at least 18. You should look into getting a two-bedroom apartment with a friend.

Introducing a weapon into the household is the wrong idea - he's stronger and more likely to use it than she is. He also has mental health problems, and is not able to control his behavior so he needs to be handled properly as well.

I think you need to talk to your mom and step father about your fear of him and let him know you think he's going to really hurt you. Even though he's far away, it might be best for you to go live with your father until your mother gets appropriate treatment for your brother. If he's too big for her to manage, he may need to go into a residential program until he learns better coping skills and is not a danger to the family.

This is not a problem you can fix as a kid - you need to ask the adults to fix the problem. If your mother doesn't take you seriously, call your Dad and ask him to step in. If he doesn't take care of you, tell your school counselor.

Quote:

Originally Posted by dontknownuthin

Introducing a weapon into the household is the wrong idea - he's stronger and more likely to use it than she is. He also has mental health problems, and is not able to control his behavior so he needs to be handled properly as well.

I think you need to talk to your mom and step father about your fear of him and let him know you think he's going to really hurt you. Even though he's far away, it might be best for you to go live with your father until your mother gets appropriate treatment for your brother. If he's too big for her to manage, he may need to go into a residential program until he learns better coping skills and is not a danger to the family.

This is not a problem you can fix as a kid - you need to ask the adults to fix the problem. If your mother doesn't take you seriously, call your Dad and ask him to step in. If he doesn't take care of you, tell your school counselor.

I am an adult, I'm 20. I'm not going to get a weapon, and he hasn't touced me since then because I told him that if he did I was immediately call the police. I also have mace handy...

Quote:

Originally Posted by ohsohappy

I am an adult, I'm 20. I'm not going to get a weapon, and he hasn't touced me since then because I told him that if he did I was immediately call the police. i also have mace handy...

Just FYI. Most states in the U.S. consider mace a weapon.

Is his behaviour classed as criminal?

Quote:

Originally Posted by califdadof3

Just FYI. Most states in the U.S. consider mace a weapon.

I called the sherrif's office before I got it, just to make sure, I'ts actually pepper spray. They said it is perfectly legal for me to use it in self defense and that they actually thought it could be a good idea. I wanted to make sure I wasn't breaking the law before I purchased it.