Ask Me Help Desk - The girl I'm dating wants to date another person

Well that sucks, I had just written out a long and elaborate question and it didn't get added due to database error. Here we go again

I'm 24 years old and the girl is 21. We've been dating for 7 months. We agreed for it to be casual (although I forget sometimes), but I want more. The reason for it being casual is 1. She just got out of a committed relationship and she isn't ready for another one & 2. She wants to enjoy her single party life at UCLA guilt free. I've never gone against the idea of her partying. We even tried to be an official couple. During that time, I still told her to have fun, party, do whatever so long as she's faithful and she agreed. I support her lifestyle because I been there before and I don't think anyone should miss out on it if they don't want to. But it only lasted 3 weeks because she still felt guilty and we took a step back to exclusively dating. Then we took another step back to casually dating. Even through all of this, she keeps telling me I'm the perfect guy and the one she wants, just not now.

I've put a lot of time and effort into her. I live in Irvine and drive to UCLA to see her. Driven over 3000 miles now. I give her a lot. I even lost my friends because they couldn't support my actions (they weren't great friends to begin with). She says she recognizes everything I do, and wishes she could give me more.

Now she wants to date another person (apparently we had agreed to it being OK, I had thought we were joking around). This guy provides her with the fun and entertaining life she like. But she tells me I'm still the one she wants, especially in the long run. I was hurt when I found out she had kissed the guy and they aren't even considered dating yet (apparently we agreed first base was OK too, again, I thought we were joking). What hurts most is that she didn't tell me. I had to pry and ask to find out, which leads my insecuiries to believe she and him could have done more, I just don't know and she may not tell me.

She wants me to continue dating her even if she dates this other guy, but I feel very uncomfortable with the thought, even though technically we aren't exclusive. She tells me its me she'll pick in the long run, but she's also telling me to 'fight' for her affection and feelings against this guy. I've been 'fighting' for 7 months already, I'm pretty exhausted at this point. I don't feel like this is fair, but then again, I'm not seeing it as casual anymore and I could be over-analyzing.

I also told her I'd always be her friend, no matter what happens. I had hoped she'd understand that I'm reliable and there for her, but I feel she's treating it like I'm a safety net. That she can do whatever and I'll be there when things aren't going her way. I feel like I should walk away from everything, even being her friend, to show her that I'm not that net.

In short, I guess I'm asking what I should do now? More so, I'd like to know if there is anything I can do to get her to pick me and only me when it comes to dating? Or am I delaying the inevitable?

PS. There was more detail in my last post, but I'm under a time contraint at the moment, so I'll answer any questions about the situation when I can. Hope there is enough here to get some advice. Thanks in advance!

Listen to your brain which is telling you that you are a safetynet and that you should walk away.

The two of you are not on the same page.
You want what she isn't willing to give you-she wants to eat her cake and keep it.

Let her party,date,kiss guys etc but don't hang around as her fallback guy.

Go do your own thing and leave her to do hers.

I think it's time for you to wake up and smell the roses , of course she's using you as a safety net and she'll keep doing it while you keep allowing it.

At least she's been honest with you and stated she wants to date others , what you see as a Relationship actually isn't one and she knows you will just hang around like a little puppy at her beckoned call.

Time to cut all the BS and start using your energies on someone who's going to reciprocate in my opinion.

Good Luck!

Thanks for the advice guys. Really appreciate it. Situation has changed a bit, but I think the decision for me to walk away is still going to be enacted.

She doesn't want to date either of us anymore. She didn't want one or the other, and she wants us both as friends. I know for a fact though, this guy is going to keep chasing her. And I don't think I'm going to do the same.

I'm going to walk away from the dating and the friendship. Probably for the best

Quote:

Originally Posted by evilragnarok

I know for a fact though, this guy is gonna keep chasing her. And I don't think I'm going to do the same.

That's fine let him chase and waste his energy , not your problem and you get to keep YOUR dignity.

Quote:

Originally Posted by evilragnarok

I'm gonna walk away from the dating and the friendship. Probably for the best

Good idea! :)

You said it yourself, you've committed a lot to her, but she hasn't been able to return your feelings. She's had 7 months to do it, but still nothing.

This might sound harsh, but it sounds to me that she's been walking all over you all this time, by asking you to wait around for her while she's out having fun with others.

Now it's time for you to walk away, you've been her doormat long enough.

Walk away, cut your losses now. Don't be anyone's doormat.

Don't walk, RUN out the door. You shouldn't have to 'fight' for anybody's affection, that's bullcrap and she just wanted that to feed her ego to have two guys coming after her. Lose this girl fast.

Talaniman Rule-Date them all, short, fat, skinny, or tall. 18 to 80, blind, cripple, or crazy!

I would have had a great time with her, and others. Most guys get possessive, and jealous, and are so worried who she will chose. Why? Because they are wanting what they can't have, and can't enjoy what they do have. We always want more, but what we see as competition scares us. It shouldn't because knowing she is leaving any way, why not just enjoy the time you do have? You can't because your not dating others, and having fun as she is!

Look guy, she told you upfront, and straight what she was about, guilt free fun. You wanted more, but that wasn't happening, but you tried.

Your young, and single, enjoy it, guilt free, and unattached. Don't blame her for wanting to be guilt free, and unattached either.

You did well walking away, but learn the lesson of this exercise, never be afraid of competition, just enjoy what you do have.

If she weren't so honest she would be a player, but she clearly is not.