Ask Me Help Desk - Teenager and stepfather hate each other

My son is 13 - sensitive, calm, quite and dazzling-claims to be gay. Prefers staying home with the girls rather than fishing or hunting with the guys. His stepfather(my husband) is 42- he's straightforward, energetic, loud and not very fond of being around my dazzling son, whom he tried to toughen up during the ages of 7-11. My husband, intolerant and having no experience with kids, was only successful in achieving the boy to hate him. My son has decided not to speak to him and my husband accepts- and so they go on day by day ignoring each other. My son only steps out of his room to eat because he does not want to see his face. My husband only speaks to him when ordering him to do something (bring in the groceries). My son is not a bad boy-he is gay, he has done a few intolerable things in the past and my husband is not a bad man- he's just very "macho" ,he might have said a few harsh words in the past. Why can't they just let it go? I guess they have two things in common- they're both stubborn and I love them both very much. I wish my husband would be more sensitive toward gay people and I wish my son would be able to enjoy of what has been offered to him.

Hi, after reading your story all I wanted to do is to give you a big hug you must be in a very awkward position at the moment, the thing that upset me is the fact your husband trying to make him into something he is not e.g. 'macho' have you tried speaking to your husband as I believe he is the cause for concern one a man takes one a woman he takes on there children too, stand by your son, if your husband respects you he will make more of an effort to accept your son for who he is, be strong hunni and I hope you get through it OK x

Well coming from a 17 year old who has had a step dad since age 7, its extremely difficult to get along with them, especially with different personalities and priorities. I am loud, independent, messy, and extremely liberal and my step dad is strict, up tight, meticulous, and old fashioned. Its ridiculously hard for us to get along, especially since he bosses me around and makes rules and honestly I don't think that's his place considering he is not my parent and he too had prior experience with kids. That made me resent him more. Your son is a teen so let me tell you, we are excellent at holding grudges. In my opinion, if your husband legitimately cares about you, he will try to make things right with your son. He should grow up a little, let go, and try to set things right. If your son is sensitive, he should understand how this is hurting you, being torn between the two people you love most, and be willing to cooperate. Maybe they can work on finding a common interest (I suggest purchasing rockband [:)

Had no prior experience*

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His stepfather(my husband) is 42- he's straightforward, energetic, loud and not very fond of being around my dazzling son, whom he tried to toughen up during the ages of 7-11.

What do you mean when you say "toughen up"?

Also, you said that your husband is not fond of being around your son. I'm sure your son knows this. No wonder he wants nothing to do with this man. No one wants to be around someone that doesn't want to be around him.

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My husband, intolerant and having no experience with kids, was only successful in achieving the boy to hate him.

Not having experience has nothing to do with this. It's having basic common sense and acceptance. Obviously your husband isn't able to be the adult that he's supposed to be. I really can't blame your son for feeling the way he does. It was up to the 42 year old to be the adult, not the 13 year old.

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My son has decided not to speak to him and my husband accepts- and so they go on day by day ignoring each other. My son only steps out of his room to eat because he does not want to see his face.

So your son feels like he's not a part of the family. Your husband as so humiliated and hurt this child that he won't even be a part of the family. I feel so bad for this child. He really has no one.

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my husband is not a bad man- he's just very "macho" ,he might have said a few harsh words in the past.

When you say harsh words to a child, they don't forget. Also, "macho" or not, he has no right to make this child feel small and unloved, which is exactly what he's managed to do.

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Why can't they just let it go? I guess they have two things in common- they're both stubborn and I love them both very much. I wish my husband would be more sensitive toward gay people and I wish my son would be able to enjoy of what has been offered to him.

Your husband has to make the first move, he's the adult, he's the one with the problem toward gays, he's the one that has to make the change. As for your son enjoying what's been offered to him, what is that, intolerance, scrutiny, not being accepted by the man that's taken on the role of a father. He's 13! He's got enough to deal with without having to deal with a homophobic 42 year old that does nothing but belittle him.

You need family counseling and your husband needs some lessons in compassion and love.

All of your answers have been of great help. My appreciation goes to all. I've allowed my son to see what others think, as well. He wants to hire Altenweg as his attorney. Have a great and safe weekend!

If he gets to read things he's not going to like what Im about to say. I don't believe in letting a child run the house. And for him to be getting away with things as they are isn't a good thing. For one thing its not good for him to be in his room all the time. For another your missing out on a HUGE lifes lesson. Do you really think that everyone only deals with people they like ? Not in the real world. Many times you might have to deal woth someone you detest on some level. They used to call it "class". Right now this situation needs a remedy and they both need to stop running away. There has to be some common ground. I can understand that some people would rather buy their meals then hunt or fish for one. That's not for everyone. But there has to be other activities like lets say repairing things or woodworking that they might find comonality in. Yes its sad that often Mom has to be the peace maker but in this situaton your son needs to learn how to deal with things as they are and not just how he wants them to be. It's a VERY important life lesson. And in this case its needed badly.

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Originally Posted by ohmie

All of your answers have been of great help. My appreciation goes to all. I've allowed my son to see what others think, as well. He wants to hire Altenweg as his attorney. Have a great and safe weekend!

Okay, well that made me laugh. Attorney, no, just someone that remembers all too well what being a teenager is like. No, I'm not gay, but it was hard enough having to deal with all the crap that being a teen brings on. Add that extra part, being gay, having to deal with someone that is supposed to love you unconditionally, that's the hardest thing ever at any age, but at 13, it may as well be the end of the world.

He needs someone in his corner. I would hope that it would be you, but you seem to be stuck in the middle, which baffles me. If I had to choose between an intolerant step father and my son, the choice would be simple. Want to guess what that choice would be?

Since he seems to be alone in this, I'm giving him the support he needs, the support you seem unwilling or unable to give. You've allowed this to happen, you're as much to blame as your husband at this point. Your son is alone in his room and who's reaching out to him? Not you.

Counseling is really your only option at this point. Your husband has to realize what he's doing to this poor child. He also has to realize that his prejudice is destroying any possibility of a relationship with a great kid. That's tragic and it needs to be resolved.

I'm sure that's not what you want to hear, but really, you're his mother, if anyone should be in his corner, no matter what, it should be you!

He chose you as a wonderful attorney, those are his words not mine... He went to his aunt's for the weekend but when he comes back, I'm sure he will want to give his opinion. I tried to summarize our life in the shortest way possible, there are many details you do not know. So please, if you really want to help do not judge me, for I am here because I do care and I am on my son's side. However, there is one younger sibling who needs her father too. We just can't pick up and go.

I would guess that your husband, and your son, have drawn a line in the sand, then they both stuck their heads in, rather than face their differences.

To define anyone to such an extent that you totally tune them out, is discriminatory, and that works both ways.

What your son sees, is a man who cannot accept him, what your husband sees is an easy way out not to deal with him. He is the adult after all.

Any relationship starts with trust, and builds from there. As Alty says, in order to break this stalemate, there has to be someone in the picture to mediate, and allow them to move forward. And, to allow you not to be monkey in the middle.

That is what counselling is all about. Being able to express your fears, and finding a way to overcome them. Your son may fear further rejection from him by trying, and your husband may fear acceptance and parenting of a gay teen.

Regardless, teens need parenting, they need love, and a committed set of parents who can work through their problems, no matter who creates them.

I'll bet you that if the two of them could start, and forge a bond, and agree to counselling, you will only benefit from having a happier household.

And I agree, Alty would make an excellent attorney.