Hi guys... I'm new here...
I always read the blogs from this site and there really goood. I decided to sign up because I was motivated by one bloggers story from jimseekinadvice. His story was incredible about overcoming his loved one that broke up with him. So here is my question...
I met this girl, she was more then anything I have ever wanted. Beautiful, funny, nice... etc.. When I met her I knew she would be leaving for college in 6 months for another semester. But I took the risk and pursued her and we quickly fell in love. We spent every waking moment with each other, riding bikes into the sunset along the lake shore, picnics up overlooking the city, trips to disney land, romantic dinners by the fire... blah blah. After about 4 months, we started talking about marriage and how we wanted to marry each other. I feel very comfortable where I'm at in life to marry, nice house, owner of a successful company, good money and I feel as if I'm ready for marriage, she did also. We discussed back and forth about her going back to school, and the options that would be the best for us. As time got closer to her leaving to school or not, we decided it would be best for her to go for one semester which is 3 half months and she would come home after that, and we would get engaged and live happily ever after... the reason behind this would be for her to get away and see if we would still love each other after the period away and to show to her parents this wasn't some puppy love and that we could wait for each other.
Well as time got closer feelings got tenser and we were really scared for the time for us to part. I had all the confidence in the world that nothing would happen as we were away from each other and we swore we would skype every night and talk on the phone and yadi yada... well the time came for her to leave and we cried and hugged and made our promises and said I love you a million times and the whole ordeal, she left and then it all began! It went well and normal the first three days, we talked said how much we loved each other, texted all the time... then at about day 6 things started getting different! I would say I love her but she would just be kind of reserved, I sent her flowers and letters and I really didn't get the response I usually would if I would have done that, just the kind of more reserved responses, seemed like she was closing up and acting different. I finally asked her about it and she said she just has this feeling like she needs to stay up there for 2 semesters which is around 7 months, I told her I supported her and would be here right beside her and love her. She told me she didn't know what she wanted out of our relation ship anymore, and her eyes have been opened and she realizes how much more she wants to do with her life and she's not sure about us.
I kept telling her that I loved her and I will stay right beside her until she knows what she wants and support her. Then at about day 13 she told me that she was just sooo confused and now she thinks she has to stay for 2 years because none of her credits will transfer, which confused the heck out of me because the whole plan was for the "experience" and now everything is changing right before my eyes! I tell her I love her and want to be with her and that we can make it work if we really love each other. She tells me that it will be to hard and its better if take space away from each other and see what happens. I say OK and tell her I love her and that I don't want this, but I respect her wishes. I tell her it will be better for the both of us if we have no contact, she cries, I cry and we say our good byes...
Now this is where it gets complicated and confusing. The next night she texts me and says how much she misses me and how she just lyes awake thinking about me, and if I want to talk to her please do and so on. I wait till the next afternoon to text her, so she doesn't think I'm needy and I say that her keep saying that she wants space, and then texting me just puts me on a rollercoaster, and I asked her one last time if she still wanted space. She said she was sorry and she just missed me a lot and so she texted me and she said it was dumb we couldn't talk that it felt like I just died from her life and that we should still be able to talk whenever we want, and that if we stop talking it shouldn't be all the sudden but just gradually. I tell her OK and that we can just be friends and talk here and there... BAD MOVE ON MY PART!! All this did was torment me! For the next week I wanted to text her soooo bad and she would pretty much come and go as she please without any regard! Finally a week later I couldn't do it anymore and asked if she wanted to skype. She told me we shouldn't because it would make us miss each other more and not be good. I told her that we can just try making this work and she told me that we have different goals and we just need to move on with our lives!! This hurtttt soooo bad!! I told her OK, and that this time I would not be contacting her and she should do the same.
She told me how she never thought this would happen, and that she still loves me, but she just has sooo much more that she wants to accomplish and do with her life, and I guess none of that includes me in the picture? Ouch... I didn't text back after that last text I sent about no contact and that I lover her and hope all goes well... anyway its been 8 days since no contact going on 9 and I am DIENG!! I think about her 24/7 I try to stay busy exercising and working and being active and busy but nothing seems to help, I just feel miserable!
What I would like to know, is if I did the right thing by saying no contact in the situation? Or did I just burn my own bridges? Should I have kept the door open? Were still friends on face book and she still has all our pictures up and yes I admit I stalk her Facebook from time to time, I know its not healthy. But I can't help it, I miss her sooo much... how could some one that says there so in love with you change and fall out of love in less then 3 weeks? That's just not normal! Did she realize that there's a billion more guys up at college and I'm just dust in the wind? I mean if it was true genuine love none of the other guys would have mattered right? The thing is she is only up there for 6 months then comes home in 6 months. We go to the same church, she lives by me so the odds of seeing her after all of this are high. I don't want to cut everything off because when she comes back, we may have a chance? I don't know... what if she texts me in 3 weeks should I talk back? I just really don't know. I'm sooo lost and confused... there's sooo many emotions in my heart and soul I can't explain... why is this happening? WHERE DO I GO FROM HERE??

Sadly, it sounds like too much, too soon. While you have already settled into a life with things you've worked hard to accomplish- your business, home, financially comfortable, etc. she is still off at college, with goals of her own.

While you and her both knew you'd be saying goodbye to each other for several months, the reality really didn't sink in until the day came. Where you sound mature enough to handle a long distance relationship, she does not. Likely she realized this when she got back into college life, and thought about what she would be missing should she instead decide her future to be married to you.

You did the right thing in my opinion. If she isn't ready to adapt and continue to plan a future with you, that's just the way it is. Perhaps doubts became reality once she was actually back at school.

I don't think you will be able to avoid her when she comes home, but try not to set yourself up for disappointment again. As long as her plans are to be single, and continue with school, she is not ready for a long term relationship. She will likely seek you out and want to get together, and it may set your mind at ease to see she hasn't changed her mind, and isn't likely to.

In other words, all the hard work you are going through now to get over her, will help you when the inevitable does happen, and you do cross paths.

I would keep up without contacting her directly if it were me.

It will get easier.

You got to let her go & do what she wants & you do the same. She wants freedom. And that's exactly what you need too.

Things change. You both knew she was splitting. She doesn't want or need a boyfriend that's not there, and probably knew that all along. Sometimes people say things & make plans just for their partners benefit, to not make waves. Maybe keep what they have at the time, who knows?

And yes, there's also a billion girls out there too.

NC, no Facebook, emails, texts or calls. Trust me.

You guys are right... I think it was a bit overwhelming in the beginning and it may have come to fast... it just kind of suxs that I got caught in the middle. Just seeems like she totally doesn't want anything to do with me, and that's what hurts the most. Just feel like I was on the magical carpet ride with her and now she has pushed me off and I'm falling and I'm trying to grasp anything on the way down to save me. Any more thoughts anyone?

Be glad you had that ride. No magic, though. Maybe for you. So, what? Life goes on.

Won't be your last one. No longer any reason to grasp onto this. Only will prolong your hurt. Just learn from this and use it next time. Hopefully you won't feel like you are in the middle ever again.

My thoughts:

First of all, don't ever think of seeing her again, or speaking until you truly don't want any romance. If that happens at all. Don't be her friend.

Then do what ever you do to have fun.

If you learn how to truly go NC now, you will have more fulfilling relationships later.

Simple.

Think again guy, she didn't just brush you off. She wanted you in her life while she does her thing and finds her future. Understandable given the opportunity to make something of herself.

Its you who are ready for more, RIGHT NOW, not her. Its you who want one thing, but fail to realize she wants something else.

Yes you do need to get over this, and do your own thing, and enjoy it, as she wants to do herself.

She isn't at the same place in life you are, so doesn't want what you want. She wants to grow, learn and have a good time doing it. Let her.

Wait talaniman I'm confused?

You say that she did want me in her life and didn't brush me off? Was it wrong for me to say no contact and pressure her to make a decision? I wanted to be there for her it would have just been so unhealthy for me to just a leave the wound open never to heal, just to wait around until she was ready to make a decision. Would it have been better just to support her? Because I tried! She didn't want a relationship and told me to move on! Did I do the wrong thing by initiating no contact? Was I in the wrong? Please let me know.

Plus... you say she wanted me in her life as she made her decisions and finds her future? Don't you think she could have still have done that without pushing me out of her life? Can't you find out your future with the one you love? I just feel like she didn't want anything to do with me anymore, once her "eyes" were opened to all other possibilities... I just need some clearity and advice! I just want to do what's best! Please help.

NC isn't about pressuring someone else. Its about the realization and steps to move forward.

The wound is in you your mind and heart. NC will close that wound and help you remember that scar you used to have.

Dude like you just said "She told me she didnt want a relationship & to move one."

Listen to that. What was the initial question again? "Was I wrong to go NC"?

Nope.


Neither one of you has found true love yet, that's OK.

May take a few rounds.

The less you think & talk about her, the better..

No contact is absolutely the way to go, no doubt. But its more you dealing with your own feelings, and expectations, and accepting the reality of your situation that makes this so hard on you.

You did the right thing because she wasn't as in love with you the way you were with her. She has growing to do and had you been able to be good friends, or hang out buddies when she was home, no doubt she would have been agreeable. But you weren't ready for that because you wanted more, and she doesn't have more to give.

That's true guys. I think she "thought" she wanted more when she was with me, but once reality set in she realized I guess she wasn't ready for all of this. Just really hurts because I guess I feel like all it was to her was a "fun" time till she left for school where the real fun would begin! Anyway thanks for the input! Any other input would be greatly appreciated.

Have you read the stickies at the top of the relationship page on how to handle a breakup?
Lots of good advice there.

You need to keep busy and make sure that you plan your day.
Do things that you really enjoy doing.

NC and healing is a process that takes time and patience.
Allow yourself time and be patient with yourself.

Hey guys just a quick update... I'm on day 16 of no contact... I won't lie I have viewed her Facebook page trying to get every little last piece of crumb she serves me, but I have not talked, texted, emailed her or anything of that sort. I know I need to stop viewing her Facebook but it sure is addicting!! I still wake up with a hold in my stomach every morning around 5am. I still can't stop thinking about her. I still feel like ill never meet someone as beautiful and fun... but I'm pressing forward for my own dignity and self esteem. I've been working out and running like crazy and keeping busy. Seems like she's moved on, and she has pics with other guys on her Facebook, it burns but I try not to let it. Just wondering... how long do you think it will take for me to start felling "alive" again?

You'll get over her a lot quicker if you s t a y OFF Facebook.. .
Having said that,16 days staying away from all other
Contact is good.

Now cut the last cord and go complete NC i.e ,no more FB.

So here it is guys... proof that no contact works in magnificent ways.
It heals you emotionally, physically and mentally, while at the same time making you tougher and stronger from trials and tribulations you never thought you would endure.

Its rather funny. But at the same time the pain is as real as ever.
Im a 22 year old male, healthy, good looking, very stable, good job etc. What's funny is you think you are so invincible, that you can take on the whole world and that nothing can defeat your pride and your ego. Not knowing that in all reality how weak and vulnerable you become one you let this thing called love, succumb into our lives.

I was 19 when I met her, to tell the truth when I first saw her I wasn't blown away, but I thought she was pretty. Over time her kindness and charm grew on me. She loved doing random, spontaneous stuff with me, like diving through old dumpsters in the back of walmart to find crazy treasures, or dress up like wolves and pop up in your neighbors windows while they were reading a book at night. Before I knew it we were dating for 2 years and madly in love. Nothing could stop me now, I had the world in my hands.

Then things started to take a turn. We came to that point in the relationship were things start going up, or they start going down. We decided to go on a break, and I said OK, with all hope we would run back to each other after 3 days... I was very wrong. 2 weeks went by and I finally got her to talk to me. I went to her house and there was something dreary in the air. We had dinner and then had a "talk" she told me things would never be the same, that she wanted to break up, she didn't want to settle down yet... etc. Now at this point I never knew what to do, after a break up. Never read anykind of forums like this online, never read the books, never been told, so I was thrown out to the dogs. I tried to hold it in and act strong, I said OK, but we should stay "friends" ( I later realized that this was impossible!! ) We went out on her front porch and hugged and cried, I asked her once more if she was sure, and she said yes and I drove home!

That night is when I Broke Down! I pleaded and texted and begged and cried and whined and tried to whisp up old memories of us to ignite that spark that dwindled out. The next day I asked her if she wanted to grab dinner as "friends" because I mean we agreed to still be friends right? She said OK. About 4 hours later she texted me back and said she couldn't. I tried to shrug it off cool like I didn't care. That didn't last for long. It just gets worse from here. The whole while I was kind of in a shock wave denial state believing that she would "eventually" come to her senses and want me. I let 2 days pass and couldn't bare the pain, I texted her to hang out again. She said she couldn't and she was busy, and that she had to go because she was going to go jogging. I knew where she would always jog, so I got on my motorcycle and rode as fast as I can to the park where she runs and stalked her and begged and pleaded to her in front of everyone for another chance!! It was sooo pathetic, but at the time your just not thinking so many emotions running through me and it was like a drug and I needed my fix. We talked and she denied me and left me in the rain and cold.

This is where it all comes crumbling down... bare with me through this story but I feel it will be of value.

I was in shock and denial. I was desperate I was scared, and I was needy. That following week I didn't talk to her, only on valentines day I said "happy valentines." I made arrangements with this beautiful girl I knew to go on a date, to feel in the void. We went on the first date and it was great. I was trying to not think of the ex and move on, letting my heart not take the natural grieving of it all I was trying to take the easy way out. Things went good for a week and we hung out everyday, but the whole time my ex was in the back of my head. I started comparing this new girl to the ex and missing my ex more. The new girl was getting serious with me fast and I wanted it, but my heart would not allow it. It kicked it out of my system and rejected it. I got scared and realized that I still missed my ex terribly and this new girl wasn't doing it. One night it just hit me liike a wall when I was with her and I fell into deeeep depression that night. I finally came out of the denial stage and the reality of it all took over.

I got very suicidal, I didn't sleep, I didn't eat, I would have panick and anxiety attacks and I was losing grips of reality. My parents got desperately scared and took me to a psychiatrist which put me on some anti- depressants. And to be honest those didn't help at all. I had to drop 3 of my school classes that I started failing, I lost 20 lbs in a matter of 2 weeks and I couldn't breathe. I would contact her and call her everyday. I would write to her email, her Facebook, with no response. When I did get responses they were cold and short. I couldn't work, I started doubting god and my faith and my world was crumbling before me. After about a month, I realized I was literally trully dieng and killing myself. It took all the power inside of me, but I managed to start exercising. Then started runnning 1 mile then 2 miles then 3 miles... until all I knew was exercising because that was the only thing that would stop the pain. I Still wanted her so bad in my life but I realized I was doing more harm talking to her so after about a month and a half of a literal living hell, I stopped contact. I started dedicating and focusing on me. I got my motorcyle licenses, I started runnning competively in trail races and 5 ks and half marathons. Don't let me get you wrong I was still depressed as ever. There were days I was so numb I didn't know north from south. I would go to this grass spot and over look the lake and meditate. Slowly I became me again. Then after about 3 months my ex texted me...

Like I said I had no clue about no contact, so being the idiot I was after all this progression I texted her back and we planned to meet for sushi. I can't believe I did this now that I look back after how she treated me and left me in the dust for another guy. We went to dinner then went to the park, and then... I BROKE DOWN! I started begging and telling her how much I loved her and how much I wanted her. She seemed like she cared but insisted to say were just friends and its over... ahhhhh... 3 months of healing and depression and feels like my wound just got shredded back open. That following week she texted me to hangout. I told her she can't keep playing games with me, but told her I still lover her. So time goes on and its about 6 months. I still miss her and some days were good some days are bad. She texts me here and there and I talk to her in hopes shell return. With no hopes. At about 7 months I feel like I'm pretty patched up and healed. Then I meet this AMAZING girl that is sooo pretty and we hit it off. About 1 month into our relationship my ex texts me, so I agree to hangout. I did it just curious to see if I still had feelings for her... she came over... and NOTHING... I was over here!! It was the wierdest feeling seeing her and not wanting her~!! After all that pain and sorrow I couldn't care less now! It was amazing. Well she realizes in dating this new girl and she always texts me! She would say, hey I just broke up with my boyfriend want to hang out? I would tell her to get lost or she's a freak but I had so much more power and I realllly was starting to love again!!

Anyway I fell in love with this new girl for 6 months and it ends up she goes to college and we promise we love each other and shell come home after the semester and will get married. 1 weeks after she's gone she breaks up with me... you it sucks... but guess what!? I now know what to do... and you it hurts, but not as bad because I know how to handle... I know god works in mysterious ways. So I'm going strong at about 3 weeks of no contact. If she contacts me great... if not I know my life will go on just like it did last time.

My old ex the one that I almost dies over for 7 months, she knows we broke up because of face book and now she emails be all the time to go out to dinner, and messages me. I just ignore and play around with her sometimes... just for a little satisfaction of what she did to me.

Anyway guys... No Contact is the way to go... we all get our heart broken, but those are just northern stars pointing us on the way to the one that is waiting and being prepared for us... be strong... There is nothing to do about the pain, you u can numb it for awhile, with exercising or friends, but that pain will hurt u as long as it needs to teach u a lesson and let you fully grieve. Stay active, but still leave time for those quiet moments to grieve and let your heart take it in... u can't escape it. Let the wave of despair hit you and ride it into the shores of safety. There's no way around it. Its part of life and its part of the lessons we go through that will make us more appreciated and more fit for our future soul mates. The pain will ease and your heart will heal. I am a living testament of such. Be strong and live with dignity.

Thanks, so many just won't accept it, they always keep saying, well I have to ? Or just this one things.

Yep no contact can change your life

Hi guys,
So I was wondering my girl friend left up to school and she dumped me while she was up there because of the distance and she realized she wanted to date while she was up there and do other things. Its been a month of no contact and I still really miss her. So I was thinking I would send her some flowers on valentines day, that say " I wont forget you" or " im always thinking of you" signed out with only the first initial of my name, kind of to leave a mystery that it could be me or it might not be. Anyway do you think this is a bad idea? Or should I just keep not bugging her and move on and not waste my money? Any advise or answers will be greatly appreciated.

Don't do it.

NO! Keep on the NC

I don't think you should.
She dumped you so sending flowers to her is not the thing to do.
From what you wrote you did not do anything wrong and she just dumped you because she wanted to have a new relationship while she's at school.
You didn't deserve that why should you be the one sending flowers?
Move on. There are many over girls who would be happy to have a man like you to send them flowers.