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Hi I'm a 28 year old guy and this 14 year old girl claims to love me. We talk a lot and she keeps saying I love you, I know this is just puppy love but I don't want to hurt her feelings. She is a close family friend and I can't avoid seeing her a lot. How can I make her understand that we can't be together, she thinks the age gap is no problem but of course it is. Any advice would be helpful.
I'm not sure there's anyway you can put it that won't hurt her. Rejection is rejection. Maybe if you told her that you see her more like a little sister it'll make it a little easier on her. Make sure you're not even occidentally doing anything that might lead her to think you are interested. Like ever being alone with just her.
Hi, bandit28!
If you are just "straight up" with her about the way things really are, how do you think that she would react, please?
Thanks!
Very thoughtful and considerate answer!Quote:
Originally Posted by justcurious55
The "we talk alot" sort of worries me, first why and why are you alone with her that much, knowing there is a issue.
Have you discussed this with her parents
Before it gets way out of hand, you need to end it, and really not be alone with her to a point she could be saying this either.
I'm with Fr.Chuck on this one. I would definitely limit the conversations.
I remember being "in love" with my history teacher when I was about 14. He was fresh out of college and a "dream boat." Granted, I never, ever told him I loved him, but it was an intense crush.
All that to say, what she is feeling IS intense. It's a crush on someone that she looks up to, someone that she sees as the "perfect" person, and someone that has the qualities that she wants to end up with. That's a very high compliment to you.
But, you're right to feel uncomfortable about it. You know it can't go anywhere, obviously, but she doesn't.
I'd talk to her parents about it - that way, your back is covered if she ever "turns on you." You really never know in this day and age... she could try the "he hit on me" type of deal. Talk to her parents and just tell them that you're flattered, but a little uncomfortable. They do need to know.
Be very careful around her. Don't talk to her on the phone. Don't be alone with her. Just look at it as a flattery, but a flattery to stay far, far away from.
Best of luck! :)
Why do you encourage this relationship with her. By "talking a lot" to her and "not wanting to hurt her feelings" you are only having your cake and eating it too.
This minor is a child of 14! You are 28 years old. Get a grip here, and end it now.
When she talks of being in love with you, directly to your face, the relationship has already gone too far.
If there is any email/text/phone calls going on, or if you are meeting up with her, you are keeping this unbalanced relationship going. It is just absolutely inappropriate that you have conversations about love with a 14 year old, that you know has feelings for you.
At 28 years old, you should be having these types of conversations with women your own age.
Leave the 14 year old girl alone.
Got to disagree with you a bit here.Quote:
Originally Posted by Jake2008
My husband and I are friends with another couple with children. My husband spends time with their children without them, as do I. We look on them as "nieces", even though they are not related.
I can completely see my husband being oblivious to a crush from the older daughter (there isn't one at this point in time, but who knows?).
He talks to her like she's a PERSON, and not a child, and since we're not related, there isn't a really a bias on KEEPING her a child (as parents are won't to do with their teenage daughters).
I can COMPLETELY see a crush developing out of that--and that it's not being ENCOURAGED by continuing to talk to her and give her advice. Don't we tell kids all the time that if they can't talk to their parents about important things like sex, or drugs, or dating, or violence, that they should talk to another adult that they trust? Well, this girl is DOING that!
I agree that the parents should be told. I also agree that general texting and phone calls should be limited, though if there is an important issue for her, and he's an adult she can trust, that she SHOULD be able to continue to get his advice. I also think alone time should be limited COMPLETELY--if you're not with her parents, then you should be someplace VERY public.
I'd frankly come clean with her and tell her that you're flattered, she's a great person, but the age difference is too great between you, and that life experience will show her that you're right about that. Aside from that, you see her as a sister/niece/whatever, and that's just kind of icky.
I think you definitely need to talk to her parents about it. This way they know what is going on. Also, I agree that if you two are "alone' then be alone in a very public place like a mall or museum or just out to lunch. Make sure that she knows these aren't dates, but a means of being able to talk. I wou'dnt' have too many phone calls or texts or emails with her. Make sure that you let her know that it would be a very bad idea if she tried to pursue a relationship with you. Let her know that you think of her as a sister or relative and you tink she is a very nice girl, but a relationship would turn out very badly. Let her know that you could get in to a lot of trouble if you two were in a relationship of that sort and it would be better for the both of you if you just stayed friends.
And I'll stress this again, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE talk to her parents. Let them know exactly what you are going to say to her and then after talk to them about how the conversation went. This way they will be able to takce care of the rest and know that you did the right thing.
Well, we all have our opinions. But, it seems that this 'relationship' has gone unchecked, she is a minor, and he is 14 years her senior. I cannot 'guess' at whether his relationship with all the relatives is open enough that another adult can see this 'cute' crush, he seems unaware of any other adult influence while he talks about their 'age difference', and 'her trying to convince him that age doesn't matter'.
If I, as a parent of a 14 year old girl, became aware of this relationship, I would call the police. I would hope that they would confiscate his computer as well. At 14, she is well aware that trusted adults to talk with, should not include conversations about love with a 28 year old, and any reasonable adult would tell her that.
But, that's just me. I see no reason why he can't just stop it. The 14 year old won't. She is a child.
I think that the obvious thing is to have talked to her parents, long before it got to that point.
The OP said nothing about adult talking to a teen about sex, drugs, dating or violence. He is asing about a child that persists in having conversations about being in love with HIM. Inapproprite no matter how his actions are interpreted.Quote:
I can COMPLETELY see a crush developing out of that--and that it's not being ENCOURAGED by continuing to talk to her and give her advice. Don't we tell kids all the time that if they can't talk to their parents about important things like sex, or drugs, or dating, or violence, that they should talk to another adult that they trust? Well, this girl is DOING that!
If the 28 year old was a "close family friend" of my 14 year old daughter, I think I'd probably know what the situation was between them, and NOT call the police. I'm assuming (and it IS an assumption) by that phrase that he is either friends with her parents, or that her parents and his are friends--and that they end up at many of the same family functions together.
And my mom seriously had NO CLUE who I was "in love" with when I was 14--and didn't take it seriously if she did. I was "only" 14, I was too young to have those feelings--right?
I still think that having him ARRESTED, or BLAMING him for having rational conversations with someone he probably sees fairly often, as irrational in the extreme.
Talking to her parents about it is a must, absolutely.
But I don't see talking to someone who is a "close family friend" as being "encouraging".
Should he instead snub the adults in the situation and look guilty by disappearing from their lives because SHE can't control her emotions?
He's WELL AWARE that this isn't appropriate, and wants to find a way to discourage her that won't hurt her unduly--I find that commendable, not something I'd call the cops about.
Synnen, you could be absolutely right, and I sincerely hope you are. Maybe I go too far in suggesting to call the cops, but I'm thinking this situation warrents intervention, but probably not to that extent.
I am biased, and having seen first hand the manipulation of adult men, with minor children, I don't take chances, and I hoped that my answer might prompt him to put an end to this. It is difficult, very difficult for me to accept a 'friendship' between a 27 year old man, and a 14 year old child.
I hope for this childs' sake, that he acts like a responsible adult, speaks to her parents, lays the cards on the table, and puts an end to it.
What type of situation are you in that you " can't avoid seeing her alot" ?Quote:
Originally Posted by bandit28
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