I have previously been married 3 times (for very short periods) and am getting ready for my fourth and final marriage. I had a very rebellious life as a youngster and did not take the institution of marriage seriously. I am now almost 50, have become a Christian, and am now engaged to an incredibly wonderful man, and I finally understand what real marriage and commitment is all about.

I am very embarrassed about my past marriages and would prefer that it not be mentioned as I feel I am a different person now. I have had no children by choice, and each divorce was amiable.

My question is, how do I stop my family and childhood friends from mentioning it? It does not happen often, but since I am getting married it does come up. What would be a good way to ensure they stop mentioning my past?

Any help is appreciated, thank you!

Are you planning to lie on the marriage license? If you are in the USA, then there is a part asking about previous marriages and how they were dissolved.

Quite frankly, I would be open and honest with my fiancé about the past marriages. Trying to keep it from him will just make it worse when he does find out. This type of thing does not stay secret for long especially when you start asking people to keep it quiet.

Do you really want to begin your new life on a lie? That sounds like you don't have as much faith in him, yourself, and the future as you want to.

Why wouldn't your new husband know you were married 3 times before?

Sure its embarrassing, but can be humbling at the same time.

Do not even consider getting married without being honest with the future husband, this will be another bad one, if communication and honesty is not first in it.

And you don't want anyone to mention it, sorry, get real, people do what they want, if you push them not to, some will just to spite.

In polite society one does not, but it is possible that a slip would always be made

Also you have to list normally past marriages on your new marriage license

Thanks for your replies - my new husband does know, I have no secrets, and all of my family and friends know of course - I am just uncomfortable when they bring it up at parties, etc, like 'is this your final marriage then?' That sort of stuff. I am looking for a nice way to tell people to stop bringing up the past I guess.

I'm assuming that you're talking about the people that are attending your wedding. I'm sure that you have told your fiance' about your prior marriages.

About the attendees... not much you can do, other than personally ask those that are attending to not mention it. Explain that you are "so excited to start a new chapter" and would really appreciate it if they didn't call attention to the "oops" of the past.

You have told your fiance', right?

OK, sorry, we mis-understood.

You may not stop them from doing it, but be direct that you don't enjoy those type of commites if anything is said.

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Originally Posted by wendalina

Thanks for your replies - my new husband does know, I have no secrets, and all of my family and friends know of course - I am just uncomfortable when they bring it up at parties, ect, like 'is this your final marriage then?' That sort of stuff. I am looking for a nice way to tell people to stop bringing up the past I guess.

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Sounds like your family and friends are quite rude.

Personally, if someone said "Is this your final marriage then?", I would be upset with that person. I can't quite think of a good response that wouldn't be an icebreaker.

Look, I think that you need to be realistic. You can't control what other people say, or how they will react.

However, if you act offended then there will be a reaction. I'd suggest you treat it lightly.

When people ask you if it's your final marriage, why don't you just laugh and say, "I sure hope so!"

You need a snappy answer. How about when you get a smart-a** comment, say, "Why would you ask", and let the person squirm a bit. Or, "What an odd thing to bring up now!", or "Don't give it another thought." A surprised look, and starting up another conversation with others should stop boorish comments.

Short and simple with a response that the person cannot give an answer to without sounding petty should do the trick.

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Originally Posted by wendalina

Thanks for your replies - my new husband does know, I have no secrets, and all of my family and friends know of course - I am just uncomfortable when they bring it up at parties, ect, like 'is this your final marriage then?' That sort of stuff. I am looking for a nice way to tell people to stop bringing up the past I guess.

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I apologize for misunderstanding what you were asking. I am glad he does know because his support will be a big factor in quelling the types of comments you are afraid will be made.

As has been said, you can't control what others think or say. They are going to ask. They are going to make comments. Some out of rudeness. Some out of teasing (bad jokes seem to abound at weddings). Some out of genuine concern. Take each case individually. Ignore the rudeness. Treat the jokers like children and just shake your head and sigh. Thank the people who care and let them know that you are in a much better place mentally and emotionally than you have ever been.

How you react will determine how much is said and how. Don't be embarrassed about your past. It is what shaped you into the strong loving woman that you are today. Keep your head up high and remember that the past is the past. You are building a new partnership on a much stronger foundation.

Congratulations on getting married. May you have a long and wonderful life together. :)

I've posted before that I have found the best answer to a rude question is a dead in the eyes stare and "Why do you ask?" If they say, "I just wondered," I say, "Why would you wonder about that?"

99% of the World backs away.

I am a widow, remarrying, and I have been astounded at the number of people who have immediately said, upon hearing the news, "How long has your husband been dead?" I do the dead stare and question.

Some people are - simply - idiots.

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Originally Posted by CarrotTalker

Sounds like your family and friends are quite rude.

Personally, if someone said "Is this your final marriage then?", I would be upset with that person. I can't quite think of a good response that wouldn't be an icebreaker.

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I think a simple "Yes" would shut them down in their tracks. Honestly - I do understand the "joking" comments. Appropriate, no. Do I see the comments being made? Yes.

In the end, it's nobody's business but yours! But, people are people, and some will ask. You can choose to have the stern answer or the joking one, but in the end there is no point taking it personally. I agree with JKT. Some people are just idiots.

By the way, JKT, I honestly can't believe that people would ask how long your husband has been dead! That IS utterly tactless.

My grandmother used to have what we jokingly called the 'death stare'. People that ask those sort of questions deserve that.