Okay, for those that are following me on my questions on what to do... I left her. She knew something was wrong and I said 'honestly.. I'm not happy being here and I want to be on my own for now' (or something like that, this was yesterday).


Now, of course she is devistated about this and I too am not in the happy mood either, I feel lonely and empty, but I am sure it happens to everyone.

She has sent me text messages here and there and I have 0 problems with that. Before I left I told her that I do love her still and that I do care about her and that I need a few days to a week maybe longer to figure out what I want to do, with the relationship AND my life. I am 23 (almost 24) and I need to go back to school but before that I need to REALLY figure out what I want to do. I am staying at my moms house at the moment (UNFORTUNATELY!! ) and I do have the option to move in with a good friend since his basement apartment has 2 rooms and it wouldn't be a problem with the landlord (apparently) to knock a wall down and make it a bigger room.


I don't want to rush into that.

For me, like I said, I feel empty and lonely but to me this is the only way to REALLY figure out what I want. I told her to leave me be, I don't mind a text here or there but I will reply/call on my own time when I want to. I called her tonight and she was upset but not crying and just watching a movie. This morning (after a night of drinking myself stupid which I haven't done in a VERY long time (a year maybe, I never drink) I woke up to her friend calling my cellphone asking me if everything was OK and all of that. Of course, I said I was fine and explained the whole situation and I still care about her and all that and of course she relays it all back to the gf/ex-gf.

I will text her friend back asking for advice on coping with things, she's been hurt HORRIBLY by my gf/ex's cousin, he left her, won't answer the phone, call, talk about her or ANYTHING, pretends as if she's a ghost/doesn't exist.. I couldn't do that personally because a) that's just not the way I am and b) as much as I want to be happy, I'd want the other person to be happy too.


So, for the people here that are in the same situation as me, or have been there. What did you do after you left?

Tonight when I was talking to her she said she would do ANYTHING to fix this, be it pay for counselling or give me space when I need it. Now, counselling is one thing, but giving me space when I need/want it will only last for a week or 2 maybe a bit more until I get whipped again and then it will all be back to the same way it was, which is why I don't know if counselling will help.


In my opinion, since she was always bothering me to get her an engagement ring and talk about getting married, well, that's all well and good but you can't pressure your partner into doing that, they (I) have to want to do it, and it wasn't that I didn't want to, I just didn't want to then, I told her early on in the relationship that I wasn't planning to have kids or get married till around the age of 26-28 or when I was 100% ready to (meaning earlier than 26). My biggest complaint is that she CONSTANTLY repeat watches Twilight. Do any of you guys (or girls) seriously hate that garbage. The story itself (although never read it, only saw the first movie (multiple times, guess why, refused to see the second one) is good, but all the actors and what its made into is such a fairy tale that every girl wants to have an "Edward" for themselves. I told her straight out, I can't be the 'picture-perfect' boyfriend/husband. No one can, and that is all you think about is how you want things to be your way. My argument is that she sais she'll change, I know I myself have to change in some ways, and we will, but it will only last a very tiny bit and then both (mostly I probably) will be absolutely miserable again.


What has happened to the world for my generation today. My mom sais all of us have it worse because of technology and all that, I completely agree with her, things would be much easier if I grew up when they did for the simple fact that we don't have all these things running our lives and all of that but all of that is besides the point of this post.


Really though, I have NO idea what to do, stay by myself for now like I want to and figure out what I want to do, or go back. What made my day today was her friend calling me (havent seen her in MONTHS) to ask me if I was okay and asking what happened and told me to call her cellphone or her college dorm room (her own phone# there that she gave me) # if I needed to talk about whatever or vent frustration/anger/loneliness. I couldn't believe it. NO ONE ELSE even bothered to see how I was the next day except her (and the gf/ex I don't know what to say yet.. ex or gf) I might call her tomorrow to talk for a bit and get her opinion on things, I told her it meant a lot to me that she called and I just hope the girlfriend doesn't get jealous.

That's another issue, the following 4 things are wrapped up in a package:
-Jealousy
-Neediness
-Naggy
-Can't be alone

No offense to the women here but.. I guess 2+3 go hand in hand... lol

Oh I will update each day on this top post how I am feeling about being alone:

01/25: Lonely, Sad, unhappy. Not knowing what to do, had the worst day of work... told 1 guy to off for calling me a slacker (was just another employee, I've got much higher seniority than him anyway, he didn't say anything for the rest of the day to me)

You need to go complete NC and not have any contact with the ex or any of her family and friends.
You take time out,for yourself and get your act together whilst making your mind up what you want to do with your life.

Your relationship seemed toxic to me.
You made the decision to move out.
Stick to it.

Breakups are tough,even when we are the dumper.
You need to heal and that takes time.

Make plans for your future.
Keep busy, do things that make you feel good.

When I did talk to her today I asked what she did all day and said 'You don't want to know' and said sure I do and she said 'Just sat here all day and cried'

Somehow I don't believe this... Something tells me she called the guy she used to date for awhile as well before me. THAT guy I have always in hated, her brother and his girlfriend both hate him as well (especially her brother gf).


Regardless of that, NC will be extremely hard for me, mainly because I can talk to her about just about everything (except really REALLY personal things that I'd be embarrassed about) and also because I do love and care for her still, in many ways I really do want to be with her but in many ways I don't either, I don't want to have to answer to her, I don't want to have to listen to ANY nagging or ing, I mean, call me immature or whatever you want... A relationship involves 0 nagging and 0 ing, to a degree, I mean, if the dog craps on the floor and I leave it there intentionally, well, then its deserved, but Im not the kind of person that would do that, get my drift?

I actually (before coming back here), read the whole NC guide, its good, but I mean, it took me long enough to get the balls to leave in the first place, NC is a whole nother leap and I know if I do this, she will talk to other guys because that's just the way she is (thats my opinion though), she is the kind of person that NEEDS the attention/person to be there. In some cases where we were arguing, she would say 'fine, ill go with someone else then' trying to make me jealous, but I knew she wouldn't and she never did (not to my knowledge anyways)

Nc is hard but I think you'll find that this time out of yours won't work if you keep talking to her-keep wondering what she'll get up to etc.

Have another think about it-do you want to find out where you want to go in life,or do you want to be available to being drawn back into the neverending drama?

Option 1 I believe, like I said, just need some time to calm down and chill you know.


Also since I don't want to start ANOTHER POST

I mentioned that her friend called me, I'll say she's a mutual friend.


What this girl doesn't know is that everyone (except me) makes fun of her and sais that she's a nut case/crazy. I can see what they mean but seriously, don't say it behind her back that's just mean, I (in a way) kind of like this girl and am VERY attracted to her which I do feel bad for but you know what, I don't now because I am human, its human nature right? I could never cheat, but I'd be lieiing if I said the thought didn't cross my mind a few times here or there, but I never would in the end.


Question being, should I talk to this girl, not to try and mess around with her or anything, but to just be a friend, she's gone through a lot with her breakup and after over 6 months I don't think she's over it still. The only problem I can see is that everything will get relayed back to the ex. I would have to tell her straight up what I say to her is between her and I, she would agree but would probably still say every single thing anyway. I want to go on a long in walk with this girl and explain EVERYTHING that has happened with the ex and I. Just so I can clear things up. I am sure she's heard a lot about me that makes me sound like a complete jerk, but there's 2 sides to every story, I mean, I could tell this girl that my ex talks smack about her ALL the time, like she'll text the ex and say 'can you tell 'ex-bfs name' to call me' and she'll say she did but she never does, and she'll laugh about it. That to me right there is the WORST THING you could ever do to a friend is lie about it, at least tell the truth and be honest, I would personally say no its not a good idea for (this reason, whatever it may be).

I will not tell this girl this UNLESS the ex does something INTENTIONALLY to make me very angry. But if I do tell her, she could get mad at me for not saying anything, so what do I do. And like I said before, this girl called me out of the blue (woke me up) and asked how I was doing and it meant so much to me to know that SOMEONE cared, no one else did except my mom, my dad doesn't have the greatest advice he just plain out sais "So leave her move in with your friend and have fun, your 23".. I guess that's what my mom sais too just no so harshly, lol.

It sounds as if talking to her could become messy,so no its not a good idea.
She may well be on the lookout for a new boyfriend.
Do what is right for you,never mind everybody else.

That's not being selfish, that's looking after yourself.

I certainly couldn't do stuff with her though, after all, she thinks she is my ex's best friend, but really, the ex wants almost nothing to do with her, and this girl is only down here for a 1-2 day work weekend then back to school. Would be awesome for some weekend... play if you know what I mean, but that aside, I would love to get to know her more since I don't have very many friends at all, about 3 friends, only 1 of which is a really close friend who knows everything about me, and when I say everything, stuff my girlfriend doesn't know only because its my own personal that I would only share with a guy/best friend because a guy would fully understand (hell my buddy is like me now), I won't go into this, but it really is funny in the end.

But yea I would like to know more opinions on this mutual friend. Also, if your ex did something to make you angry, enough to tell the mutual friend these things, what would your ex have to do to you to make you this mad


Also, I have the info straight from the ex from AWHILE ago that her best friends sister stopped taking birth control in order to.. illl say the infamous 'trap' her now husband, I don't know if they're happy but they've 'legitimately' had 2 more kids (the 3rd one is on the way).

Now, I don't think I could ever let a secret out like that, because if I did the ex would know it was me, there's no one else that knows... Maybe I shouldn't even think about it.

But yea more enlightenment on the mutual friend situation, if I even asked her to come for a cofee @ a close by coffee shop, just to talk about everything and say how I feel in all of this (without telling her how I feel about her), would this still be a bad idea?

First, NC is hard, it's not meant for the faint of heart at all. It is pretty much the toughest thing I've ever done.

Second, don't go hooking up right away and DO NOT hook up with anyone who is remotely her friend in anyway. Not only will it be seen as a revenge tactic(even though you ended it) and it's really not worth the hassle, trust me on this. I've done it

I did this about 5 years ago to an ex gfs best friend. It was only a 2 night thing and it was awesome and she never found out. It was funny because this girl like the day after breaking up said she wanted to at least sleep with me once ever since she saw me on day 1 of being with her friend.

But yea she never knew, and that was some of the best random sex I've ever had in my life!!

in this case though, this is not what my plan is.

Its hard for me to do no contact, she's in her second year of university and she called me all upset because her car is having problems again and now her laptop for school isn't working and all that, I am going over to her house in the next hour or so to grab one of my tvs so I can take it to my friends since I have nothing at all to do there so far.. I will look at her computer and try to fix it as well, but I can't do no contact, not yet at least. She needs support from her family and me and I will start the no contact when I feel the time is right, not long from now but just not yet.

Her mom as well loves me to death so I am waiting for her to get home from work before I go over there to get a few things, I will explain to her what I myself am going through and why I am doing what I am doing and I am 100% sure she will support my decision 100%, she always has.

Enjoy the roller coaster ride then, you are only prolonging the agony

I know. The hardest part is trying to forget about the relationship after 3 years, I know to some it doesn't seem like a long time but this has been my longest one.

She still means so much to me and I truly (and honestly) know now that I don't want to lose her. I went over there to get a few things today and she was sad (and supposed to be at work).

I sat her down and said 'look, if you want this to work, I will give it ONE MORE chance, only 1, but you have to change your ways as do I.

I told her how I felt saying she's too jealous, that I felt like I can't even talk to a girl without worrying about what your thinking. I told her that I know she is not happy with the way she looks (to which she replies with saying that's why she gets jealous because all of her friends are beuatiful and fit and she's not) and that she NEEDS to take her medication, both of them, one for emotion problems/outbursts of crying and the other for the weight and that she needs to start eating better and healthier and to start exercising like going for a walk, I told her I would go with her and support her 100% as long as she promises me that she will make a commitment to make all of this better.

I also told her how I felt when she got very upset that I told her I was going to go to a strip bar with a few friends. I told her it made me feel like she can't trust me. Her reasoning for this (again) is because of the way she looks. I personally don't have a problem with the way she looks, I would love her either way, but I did tell her that if she started doing these things she will feel so much better about herself.

Anyway right NOW she sais that I can go out to a strip bar (and I told her I am only asking to go 1-3 times in an entire year, not every weekend/month) and go out with friends to drink and all that, and all I can think of is that once again, it will be a temporary fix, it will all come back and if it does I will leave and I won't be upset the next time, well, I can't say won't because I do want to be with her, but I won't be anywhere near as upset because I would have seen it coming anyway, it will just be harder for her.


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Moreover, I talked to her mom (without the girlfriend there) for about 2 and a half hours, I laid EVERYTHING out on the table, and I mean EVERYTHING, the weight issue with her (her mom tries to tell her to take her medication as well and all that and she just doesnt), the whole jealousy thing and when I told her that I can't handle the 'get me this' 'get me that' 'can you get me.. ' her mom interrupted and said that she has had to deal with that for years and said that she can't be lazy like this.

Her mom explained so many things to me and told me about her and her ex-husband (my gfs dad) after I said how she keeps pressuring me for an engagement ring and I know I'm not ready yet. She told me that I am 100% right that I shouldn't get engaged if I don't want to yet, and to wait until I'm ready and told me that on HER wedding day, when everyone was dancing and having fun she went into the corner and started crying because she got married because all of her friends were getting married and all that and she knew she didn't make the right decision.

The thing about this is that when she found out (since the girlfriend was crying histerically), she told me that (to herself) she said its either you (the gf) or that I met someone else and she asked me and told me to be honest if I met someone else and 100% honesty I HAVE NOT, and if things don't work out I don't plan to rebound or anything at all I'd just stay single for awhile.


I asked her mom if there were ANY underlying issues about the girlfriend that I may not know about and that I would REALLY appreciate it if she told me anything that she would think I didn't know.

She told me 2 things and I already knew them and then she asked what I knew and that's all, apart from emotional abuse from the father from way in the past but they're all past that and we all get along.

In the end her mother told me that whatever decision I make she will 100% support me and she said she does understand if I leave because I've put up with so much (she knows it too) but also wants to see her and I be happy, she's even told her to let me have my time and not to call or text me or bug me and to let me have time to figure things out and lets just hope she can do it. Ill text her when I am good and ready to tell her my decision.

ISSUES with me: I am not the most romantic person, I don't buy flowers that often, I don't always seem like the happiest person, but that's just the way I am. I know that for this to work I have to change some of the things with me (IF I WANT IT TO WORK).

Right before I left her house she told me to tell her that everything will be OK and asked if I would come back. I told her that I can't answer either of those questions but said that I will probably come back (because I want to).

I know a lot of people here say NO CONTACT, NOT EVEN TXT OR EMAIL or anything, but I came for advice not help on how to completely block her out of my life because now that I have had 2 days to think to myself, I know that I don't want the relationship to end, its not that I miss her, and I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss her, but after 3 years, I would like to give it at least one more chance before taking that final step.

She knows too that I will up and leave if I don't like the way things are. I won't fly off the handle and leave because she asks me to get her something, but if it's the kind of thing where its going back to old habits then I'm gone.


And women: about the whole strip club thing, I see it as non-harmful entertainment. If she ends up wanting to go to a male strip club with her friends I personally don't have a problem as it is only adult entertainment, just watching and for us guys, half the time we're just talking and drinking and having a good time. If the girl on stage is no good, don't watch. Just thought I'd throw my 2cents on that topic in there.

For an opinion, does anyone here think I am doing this all wrong? She said that she would pay for counseling if we really have to do that. In some ways I think I let stress get to me too much and believe I should talk to my family doctor.. but wait.. I have, and he'll immediately write a prescription for some crap and it won't do anything, just makes me feel worse, never suicidal although I have been there in the past for VERY DIFFERENT REASONS BEFORE THE GF but have never acted on such thoughts. I have been meaning to switch my family doctor to someone who will actually talk to me and listen to my problem(s) and prescribe a medication with the interest of getting me better, like her dr does, he seems great and from what I've seen between her and her brother he is good. So, my problems are stress/anger so obviously I need to work on that, hence a few more days to myself of relaxing and not having to give a about anything and I will then be ready to work on my issues but she has to be ready to work on hers or I won't stay (as I've said/told her). I know that it is VERY hard to do, but like I said I don't want to throw away 3 years just like that, out of the few times this has happened before I have never seen her willing to change so much to save our relationship, I know things happen and people separate and all of that, but if we get back together then split up again, I'd be fine.


I said before that no one can change who they are. Lets see if my point is valid or not in the next little while, I will keep everyone updated and I thank you for the advice given. And any more advice on what to do from here is VERY appreciated, especially now. If you were in my situation, would you be willing to try and change, or would you just quit and take the easy way out and do NC. Ask yourself that. I am willing to try and make changes, no one is perfect, I will NEVER find the perfect partner and she won't either. But issues can be worked on together once something like this happens and if it just isnt working it just isnt working and I'll have to move on

I am concerned that she isn't taking her medication.
It seems that she has not really made any steps in the right direction of self improvement.

It seems that you are most likely setting yourself up for a lot of heartbreak, pain and for the same thing to happen again.

Like I said, if it comes down to it, if she doesn't change these things I will have no reason but to leave. She tells me she is disgusted by the way she looks, well, she has to make changes because if she isn't happy with the way she looks, the relationship just won't work because it will always bother her.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by veryconfuzed

like I said, if it comes down to it, if she doesnt change these things I will have no reason but to leave. She tells me she is disgusted by the way she looks, well, she has to make changes because if she isn't happy with the way she looks, the relationship just wont work because it will always bother her.

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She needs to work with a therapist and make a plan on how she can improve her self-image.

Most of the time, that is not something you can do for another person.

One could be supportive of their venture, but they cannot rely on you so heavily for it.