Ask Me Help Desk - Should your mate be first priority in a long term relationship

Me and my mate of 4 years have been arguing continuously for about a year or so. I lost my home and not by choice, ended up moving in with him and his two children. But since we left, he's carried this anger with him using the situation to argue with me every chance he gets. He wants to get married but, during the last 4 years he's never been able to put me on his priority.Drinking with the fellas and being there for them comes first; when we're on the phone, talks to friends, places me on hold for friends, and always looks for me to come where he is, rather than pursuing me. So many things in his life comes before me, and I've just had enough of patterns that stay the same with no improvement or positive changes that would make me believe he's Husband material. Please Help!

I think you answered your own question when you said you see nothing to make you feel he is husband material. If you feel that way now imagine how you will feel once you have been married a few years.

Ask him why he wants to get married and how he sees married life. Maybe his expectations are just totally different to yours but you had better find out now before you even think of tying the knot.

Quoting Talaniman,the senior relationship expert: don't make someone a priority in your life when you're an option in theirs.
Leave him and be happy on your own.

Quote:

Originally Posted by QLP

I think you answered your own question when you said you see nothing to make you feel he is husband material. If you feel that way now imagine how you will feel once you have been married a few years.

Ask him why he wants to get married and how he sees married life. Maybe his expectations are just totally different to yours but you had better find out now before you even think of tying the knot.

Hi QLP:
I think the marriage thing comes in as a result of his fear of losing me to someone else. He has lost I believe,(through convrsations) some worthy relationships due to his time spent with his friends, baby mama drama, and just being plain naïve about how important a healthy relationship with his mate is. You see, this man is an only child who can be loveable, inconsiderate, uncaring, arrogant and cocky, and really sarcastic when it comes to what he has to do. I mean, fighting the good fight of faith, forgiving him for whatever he makes excuses for; All in the name of "LOVE". This is what I've stood on all this time.

When we first met 4 years ago, I asked my guy... "Do I have to worry about old girlfriends having revenge or baby-mama-drama? His answer of course..."NO". Well, All of the above were lies! As I've watched his children go through ups and downs, constant arguing with their mother, he's raising the 2 as a single parent father because she had 2 already when they met from previous relationships.

Her name comes into our conversations resulting in heated arguments that I'm blamed for; then another label he places on me in "Insecure".
I've never met this woman in 4-years of being around and caring for her children. However, he still places so much emphasis on her. He tells her what she needs to do for them, what time to pick them up-bring them back, degrades her when she doesn't listen to him and what he say to do. Then fips the script and casually conversates with her about what she's doing, who is the new boyfriend in her life, appearing to be somewhat positive towards her, but at the same time ridiculing her and calling her out her name to me(and I'm not okay with that)! It bothered me early on in our relationship the attention he gives her but now I've become num and it really doesn't matter anymore.

When I would finally get the opportunity to meet her while picking up the children at their meeting spot(mom is not allowed to come to his home), he hurried the kids out of the car and pulled away. Is that a man ready to be married? Wouldn't our meeting be important, so that she gets to know the woman who will play a part in her children's lives. Do you think my guy is over his children's mother? And, has their constant arguing from that 4-year relationship may have possibly carried over into ours?

Marriage should be the furthest thing from your mind at this time. And if your questing your relationship after 4 years then maybe you shouldn't be with him. Never settle with someone just to have someone. You should never settle for less. If you talked to him about your feelings and things haven't changed them more than likely they never will. If you haven't spoke to him about your feelings and expect him to guess then you need to tell him what you wrote here.

Either way you deserve to be happy and of course relationships have there up and downs but if your relationship is having more ups than downs than maybe it is time to throw in the towel.

My boyfriend of 4-years just got his computer up & running again. He has a new e-mail and just suscribe to Facebook. When he came over to my place, he wanted to get on the computer. When he did, the first names entered into Facebook were his baby mama and her two children that aren't his. He didn't tell me, I only discovered the names after doing a double-take upon opening my Facebook account. Today while conversating, I happen to mention what I saw. He immediately denied that he had attempted the action. He blamed his kids, my kids, and maybe he could have done it; but doesn't recall. Me and my children never even knew the last names of these people. His children had not been on my computer possibly since October maybe? He instantly went into argument mode. The Facebook entries are recent, and I've never seen them before; until after he used the computer. (He still has not given me his new e-m address or how his name is written under his fb account). Some of his family members still ask him... ARe you finish with your children's mother? That's what I would like to know!! IS HE??

Am I clear that he has a child with this woman? If so, he will never be finished with her if they have to communicate to share time with the child.

First, you shouldn't start a new thread regarding the same issue. It only causes confusion. This new entry shred a lot of light to your other thread. My question is "why are you still with him when your unhappy? Only he knows what he wants with his baby mother and keeping an email address hidden isn't a good things. After 4 years the two of you should be in a different place right now and liars can't never be trusted.

Quote:

Originally Posted by rosemcs

Am I clear that he has a child with this woman? If so, he will never be finished with her if they have to communicate to share time with the child.

I am fully aware that these parents will have to communicate for the rest of their lives because of not one child, but two children. I have no problem with that (I've been with him 4years). They both have moved on with other relationships. However, He places more emphasis on still trying to be a part of her life by getting more in-depth into her personal life. They were never married! He has ask me to marry him. But there is still and always have been too much interest in what and who she's doing. And he tries to cover it up, but me and the family see right through his fascade. Do I go through with this marriage even though he makes it clear that it's none of my business and keeps secrets? Thanks for commenting. justmocha

After reading all of your merged posts now, it seems to be much more drama than a typical person would want to deal with. Marriage will not make it better. You will definitely be better by yourself. It's a tremendous burden for you to carry someone else's problems and be put on the back burner.

Er, marry this guy? Um, no.

He's still not detached from all his old $hit, which he keeps bringing into your combined lives. In answer to your original question - yes, you should be the priority in his life.

It's been 4 years - more than enough time to disentangle himself from his ex and commit to you. What are you doing bringing up his kids when he can't make time for you and won't introduce you to their mother? He only seems to just want a cook, bed-warmer and cleaner.

The Facebook entries are just the straw that broke the camel's back. All his actions point to him taking you totally for granted - he needs a housekeeper, not a wife.

Marry this man at your peril.