Hiding the truth from him is killing me--
My boyfriend and I have been dating for three years. I met him a year after I had been sexually abused by an ex-boyfriend during college. Even though I technically was not a virigin (as a result of my assault) when I met him, he told me he considered me to be one because I did not voluntarily lose my virginity (I had not had intercourse before or after the sexual abuse by my ex-boyfriend). He made me feel whole again, and I quickly fell in love with him. My issues with him began one time when we were on the phone. He spoke about having sex, and I told him that I would do it; partly because he made me so happy that I was afraid of disappointing him, partly because I was afraid of losing him and possibly ending up with someone like my ex-boyfriend who would abuse me again, and partly because I feel like he had done so much for me and it was the least I could do for him.
The first time we spent time alone together after that phone call, he tried to have sex with me, which was partially my fault for saying yes on the phone. But being the great guy that he is, he could tell I did not want to and he stopped. I could tell he was very disappointed, and I felt guilty, so I performed oral sex on him. From that time and for a year after, I would perform oral sex as a compromise for not having intercourse with him. A year after we started dating, we first had sex. I offered because I know he wanted to and I thought he was kind of detached from me, and so I idiotically thought that having sex with him would make things better. He told me thank you after we were done, and I told him that I loved him. He told me that what we had just did would not make him love me anymore; that he was not trying to be a jerk, but he was being honest, and if he had known that's why I offered to have sex he would have said no. Even though I knew he was right, I felt angry at him. I felt cheap, hurt, depressed, and confused all at once. It was one of the most humiliating and physically painful experiences in my life, aside from my sexual assault. We are still dating, and we have sex consistently because I feel like there is no point in saying no since I lost my viriginity. I don't tell him but, I don't enjoy it.
Whenever we have sex I feel cheap and embarrassed, not to mention that he likes rough sex so it is often physically painful for me. What makes things even worse is that he is perfect otherwise; we get along great as friends and business partners. But the sex end of things haunts me. Sometimes I get angry at him for how I feel and lash out, and he has no idea the cause of my anger; I usually make something up. My question is should I tell my boyfriend how I feel at the risk of upsetting and/or alienating him? He is such a big part of my life; I would be devastated if we broke up. Some days I feel like sex is not an important part of the relationship and I just need to learn to block out my angry feelings, and other days I feel like I will be very miserable in the future if I keep having to suppress them. What do you think?
