My boyfriend doesn't want to sleep with me or give me compliments
Hello all,
I have been seeing my boyfriend for over a year now. I am 31 and he is 28 years old. When we started we would love to make out.. and the foreplay was amazing. He told me he loved me and within a couple of months he moved in. We have done many things together and enjoy each others company. We celebrated our 1 year anniversary just a couple of weeks back but it has been a struggle for me for a while. From making out almost every night and mornings he told me he wasn't a morning person and so that went out of the window... the foreplay has become non-existent... and while around 3/4 months back we were making out 2/3 times a week... now it's maybe once a week. I don't feel as though we are making love anymore... but it's still fun. I have had chats with him about this and he says that we can have sex on the weekends... but I am not happy that it has to become a thing on the weekennd chores list. Why can't we have it spontaneously when we feel like it? The other problem is that it's always when he feels up to it... I never get it when I want it. He's always either tired from his sporting activities or watching a movie or simply sleepy. I had purchased all this lingerie that I used at the beginning of the relationship... but now I don't feel motivated enough to put them on because I am scared it will hurt more if I make the effort and he doesn't want anything still. I find it difficult to ejaculate since I have these thoughts in my head. I don't want us to have this talk frequently since I want him to show his attraction towards me... but I keep waiting and waiting and waiting... and then I just get exasperated and either cry or shout or simply shut him out. I want my boyfriend to show me he is attracted to me... to make me feel special... but it's not happening and it's eating me up. I have always been mindful of any issues that might be stressing him.. and I have reached such a deadend that I actually like it when I at least have an excuse to attribute his laziness and lack of enthusiasm to. So I do not pester him at all. But I am tired of initiating things... and I have made him aware of this. Even when we do have sex it's because I initiated it. Earlier at least when he would be drunk we would make out... now he would rather spend time on the computer when he's drinking. I don't want to leave him... but I am very stressed about this. I tried to talk to him just before joining this forum and he told me this is how he has been in his other relationships. Oh another thing I forgot to mention is that he never plans anything... I am always organising activities. I have made him aware of this. Every time we have a heart-to-heart conversation he does well the next day and then it's all downhill. I put in a lot and that's why this is so distressing for me. I helped him find a job... I write his applications, I cook and clean and iron his clothes... all he does is vacuum and I have to remind him about that too. I get him small gifts without occasion... but I never get anything. When I told him that he got me some roses for our anniversary... but that's the extent of his show of love. He says he's not good at expressing himself... but that excuse isn't cutting it anymore. He lacks drive and when anyone tries to guide him he geta defensive. I cannot remember the last time he complimented me... but the list of criticisms are growing. He even called my tears fake when he told me a few days before that that I don't show my vulnerability enough... and if only I did he would be much softer with me. I cannot cry easily and so when in pain I do and someone calls them fake, it hurts immensely. Now I know some of you will tell me to move on and make a change and leave him... but I really would plead for some consideration and kindness. I am very low and really need something positive and constructive to help me out of this hole. I so hope one of you can tell me something that will help ease the pain!
My boyfriend wanted to break up with me but now says he needs more space to think
My boyfriend and I have been living together for almost a year. He chased me, professed his love to me and moved cities to be with me. Even though I didn't love him at that time I slowly fell in love with him and now he is making me very sad.
I went overseas recently but things were fine before that. He sent me emails telling me how much he missed me and even rang my home number even before the plane had touched down. My mum told me this.
A week before I left he lost his job because of his drinking habit and then messed up interviews by walking in with chewing gum in his mouth. He had told me then that if he didn't find a job soon he would go back to his hometown for a few weeks. I was fine with that.
Since he didn't land anything he went back while I was still overseas. He told me then that he'll stay on there and I still said nothing because his hometown's my hometown too and I had told him ages ago that I wanted to move back. We discussed that till I moved back he would visit and I would visit. So there were no issues there. I wanted his bruised ego to mend and wanted him to find his footing again in his comfort zone.
We were fine albeit not talking very regularly. He even wished me very nicely on new years eve. Then I detected a certain coldness and when I asked him he said ‘I missed you when you left but not anymore which is bad. I still care for you enormously as a friend not as a bf’.
I was shocked and spoke to him briefly during which I reminded him that he said he loved me and he said 'People fall in and out of love all the time'. We decided to speak properly later.
When we spoke later he said he felt it wasn't going to work out because he was in exactly the same situation with his ex after a year and then he ended up hurting her and wasting another year of her life. I told him not to compare 2 relationships and 2 people. He told me that he was going to visit me for a weekend as we had discussed before and see how he felt but since I had prodded him he said it now. He agreed that seeing me might make him feel differently. I asked him how he could have changed in a couple of weeks and he said that we had issues from earlier - that we fought.
I reminded him how much external stress we had placed on our young relationship-job stress,flatmates trying to cause rifts,us sharing our personal space which for me is the first time. He agreed to that. Soon after he texted me and said 'this time last week I was certain it won't work but now I am having 2nd thoughts'. Since then he has maintained that he needs time to think. Obviously since I have been very anxious not having expected this I have gotten panicky and contacted him when it got tough. I tried to give gaps of days. My texts were only to remind him of how we were and what we were like together. I never got angry or blasted him.
Once I came back from overseas I saw that he had texted me hoping I had reached home safe. I told him that the room still had his smell in it and that I missed him terribly. We spoke for a long time later that night and the conversation started very promising... and I thought this was it... we were on the mend. But then he again started like a broken record that it wasn't going to work since he loved me but wasn't in love with me. What does this mean? I think it's one and the same. And to me the difference is that people are in love in the first year when everything's exciting and then it calms down to the real deal and it's merely love. I have told him in my own way that the honeymoon's over and the hard work had started. Asked him if he was going to run away when it got to this? The reason I asked him this is because he does this in every aspect of his life - his cricket, his career... as soon as the going gets tough he runs away.
Anyway during the conversation he also suggested that we should take a break and that I should see other people. I asked him if he wanted to see other people and he said no. He reminded me how when I had planned to move to this new city one of the reasons was to meet men. But that was before I had met him and we were together. I told him how cruel it was that he could think of someone else touching me. Do you think he said this so I could meet someone and forget him?
He told me that his ex had cheated on him 6 months into the relationship and from that moment he didn't love her. When he said this I asked how then could he compare that relationship with ours when nothing of that sort had happened to kill our relationship. He said nothing.
I cried and he begged me not to cry... he has always said that he melts when I cry because I have never ever shed crocodile tears so he knows I am in real pain.
At the end of the conversation I asked him if we were in a relationship and he said for the night we were and then we would see.
The next day I didn't contact him at all but had to vent on my Facebook. I had changed my status to single earlier when he had told me of his intentions while I was overseas. But he had kept his on a relationship. The next morning he rang and asked me why I had slagged him on Facebook. He asked me if I was drunk and I took the opportunity and said yes. He was fine then because he said 'thats fine then because people say things they don't mean when they are drunk'. I had drunk a bit but I was certainly not tipsy - but I was scared and agreed - was merely a white lie to ensure nothing else pushed him away.
Then I noticed that he had deleted me off Facebook. I asked him to ring immediately and he did. When I asked he said that he was getting upset reading my status updates and so had deleted me off his list. I asked him 'does this mean you have deleted me from your life?' and he said 'why do we need a Facebook relationship when we have a real one?'.
At this point I told him that all the times when I have mentioned his negativity and self-destructive nature - they were not my words. That a friend of his had told me these things about him and had told me that he overanalyses things so much that he ruins everything. I told him that that's why I was fighting so hard to stop him from ruining our relationship just because other things haven't gone to plan - 2009 was a terrible year professionally for him and I know he is suffering from very low self esteem.
He asked me who it was but I wouldn't tell him.
I called this friend to warn him that he might contact him and he said Matt had already contacted him and that he had accepted every word I said he had said. I was glad because this meant Matt knew that I wasn't saying one untrue word and that someone else had noticed these characteristics about him.
Later that day I sent him a couple of small texts telling him that I loved him. Then I rang him and he said he would call me back. Which he did immediately. He told me he knew who it was and that he was angry that he had told and not him. He said he wasn't angry at me at all. When I mentioned that I wasn't eating much he said softly 'and you say I am self-destructive'? When I asked him where we stand he got a bit worked up and said.. 'you are not giving me the space to think'. So I told him he can have his space but to remember that someone was waiting for an answer. I also asked him if space meant he was going to see others and he said no... then maybe.
I know he is not the cheating kind. A lot of my friends have asked if there's another girl and I have asked him only once. He has said no. I believe him.
I have spoken to his friend and he said that Matt sent him a text before our conversation demanding to know why he had to discuss his flaws with his 'ex-girlfriend'. But this was before our last conversation and he is sure it was in a moment of anger. What do you think?
This friend of over 15 years who is far older than him and has coached and played with him in cricket says he is self-destructive, forms an opinion and won’t listen to anyone, dwells on negative things too much and messes up the positives. He says if he is left alone he thinks of all kinds of wrong things and that he has done this repeatedly with his cricket or would have been far more successful. I think this might have something to do with the fact that he keeps trying to make a mountain of a molehill.
I have spoken to his dad hoping Matt will at least listen to him. He told me they had no idea all this had happened... they didn't even know he was back in town till he landed up at his bother's farm. Every time they asked him about anything and especially about me he would say 'I don't want to speak about it'. His dad said they knew he had an alcohol issue for 2/3 years but since they hadn't heard anything the last year and a half they had assumed it was under control. I told him that Matt had warned me not to tell them. He has assured me that he will speak to Matt but won't divulge I had called. He said it would take a bit of time because he needed to do it naturally.
He is shutting everyone one out and not listening to anyone.
I haven't contacted him because I have promised to give him the space. All his stuff's still here - I have no intentions of damaging anything. Have merely put them in a corner of the garage so I don't have to look at them.
Most of my friends have said he’s a creep and doesn’t deserve me and I should move on. But I really love him and don’t know what has changed this lovely man. I have suggested couples therapy and he is not too keen since we are in different cities. Yes I have begged since I don’t think there’s any ego in love. I cannot accept that he doesn’t love me anymore since he is not known for being so whimsical.
I have cooked, cleaned, washed, ironed and even done his job applications for him. I so love him for what he is.. and that's a nice man with a very pessimistic outlook. I cannot accept that he has taken this decision by himself sitting all alone... without even discussing things normally and resorting to some counselling. I don't think fighting is weird in relationship.
Do you think that he is asking for this space merely to bide time because he's scared for my sake or is he genuinely thinking. In my heart I know he loves me but is doing what he does best - looking at all negatives and ruining a perfectly fine relationship.
Please please someone tell me what is happening here. I am missing him so much and have told him that every relationship deserves a second chance..
