I've been with my boyfriend for over 2 years and I really want to get married one day, like in a few years. I'm 23, he is 30 and he doesn't want to get married ever. He says it means nothing to him. But it does to me, it's my dream and I love him. He says and acts like he loves me but I constantly have a doubt he doesn't and a fear he will leave me one day for a woman who he will want to marry. He says he's with me, wants to be with me, and a piece of paper means nothing to him, but if I want it that bad, he will marry me. It's like I've asked him to marry me, and he said no, but he will do it out of pitty. It seems like that to me.
I don't want to waste my time on him, but I don't want to end this relationship because it's great and loving except the marriage thing.
Can you please help me how to accept him like that? Should I ? What are the chances I'm not the right girl for him so he is stringing me along?
I believe in marriage out of love so I can't understand how can he love me and not want to marry me? Finanacial sitation it's not great for us now, but he never wants to do it.
Help I'm confused.

He doesn't want to get married. You do... you are wasting your time with him.

Why would you even want to marry someone who would marry you out of pity?

Time to move on if you want marriage. He doesn't want it, you aren't going to get it.

If you're not on the same page, then you're just forcing the issue. How can you be happy when things are forced?

I would agree with you if we were talking here about things not people. The two people LOVE each other but one wants what other doesn't, and that's a reason to move on? There're no ways to work on it?

Love isn't enough to make a healthy relationship. You need to be compatible. You need, respect, trust, communication, you also need to be on the same page. In your case, if neither of you change your minds about marriage, then you're continually clash. It's like you're on different islands, if neither of you wants to move, how does that make a healthy relationship?

You're staying with him because you've generated some false hope that he might one day change his mind about marriage. If you continue to believe that he will change, then stick around. Otherwise, you're setting yourself up for a huge disappointment.

Well I would like to know how can I share his point of view and just be happy with being with him without marriage. It's not true I'm staying because of false hope he will change. I'd like to change. I just can't find a way how right now. Any suggestions how to let go of a marriage, how not to be bothered by it so much?

Why are you trying to force yourself to change? Why are you the only one trying to compromise? If marriage is important to you, why are you giving that up? I wonder what else you're willing to give up just for him and all in the name of love?

It's an internal battle. If you can't find it in yourself to give up what's important to you naturally, then you're compromising, by forcing the issue. If you compromise too much, you begin to loose yourself. Is that the path you really want to go down?

I feel that you really need to sit back and ask yourself if this relationship is really what you want and need. Two years may feel like a lifetime but its nothing compared to the lifetime you are wagering on this relationship.

Where you stand right now has two possibilties:

You do not get married. You continue living your life with a man free of any binding commitment to stay with you with the option as simply picking up a suit case and trotting down off anytime he tires of the relationship. "Why do we need a piece of paper to know we love each other?" also translating into "Why should I legally commit to this relationship when I can have this woman and the option of quitting anytime I feel like it. No hassle or messy divorce. That simple." You will never have the wedding you probably dream of. Any children you have will be born out of wedlock which may or may not have meaning to you depending on your family, religion, and culture.

You do get married because you pressure him into it. He will not be the happy romantic groom or treat your wedding with anymore enthusiasm then a dentist appointment if he truly does not want a wedding. You will find the wedding sorely lacking in what you probably are dreaming and hoping for. After that you will likely have a husband who resents being married which will most likely not make for a happy marriage at all.

Do either of these options sound very appealing?

Then enters the final options if you aren't happy with the first two.

You could also continue wasting away precious months and years on this relationship hoping he changes his mind about marriage, which is unlikely and be exactly where you are now.

-or-

You could move on with your life. You are young and you have plenty of time to find the man that you are truly looking for. The man that wants to marry you and spend the rest of his life with you and doesn't cower at the thought of it.

None of the options are easy but ask yourself which is the best for you? I know what I would do, but this is your decision to make.

Well you have virtually asked him to marry you and he said no , and his words say he never will.

So there isn't the fix your asking for , you either decide to live with it or leave.

I'm not forcing myself to change, I just very much want to, why not change? Marriage is important to me but so is love and him, my boyfriend. It's all eaquely important.
I don't think I compromise too much, isn't he also doing it? He says he will marry me if I want to. He was honest at least. Even though it doesn't make me feel wanted if you understand of course.

And what if he says he wants to spend life with me and if we had children one day he would marry me for the sake of them? It's not that he doesn't love me, it's just a form for him. Am I defending him too much? That's because I partially understand him. I just start to think about the number of divorces...

Here's what happened in the mean time. I tried to accept that we will not get married and I failed. We've been together for more than two years and I would like that we live together already since he lives with his family still while being 30! And I have my own place. He doesn't like it and he said he wants to have his own peace and he can't do things when I'm around or with him. I'm not clingy, I just think it's normal that we move in together but he doesn't want to and he is not doing anything to save money and buy us a new place if he doesn't like this one, so I think it's just an excuse.

I told him we're not going anywhere with this relationship and I want more. He doesn't and I will not pressure him or anyone. I've told him we're OK for now but we have no future together as we want different things and he is excluding me from parts of his life as I share all my with him. So I said he won't have me forever as he lives just for now and I have plans in which he won't fit. Then he said he doesn't want to lose me and what do I want form him, he doesn't understand, do I want him to prentend he wants to get married.

So right now I'm with him no strings attached until I meet or not the man who will want to propose me. Or he meets a woman who will like his view of marriage or who he will maybe want to marry.
Please, write me anything. I'm obviously confused. Thanks.

Feeling the way you do,I think you'd be better off without him in your life now.

It seems you are simply prologing the agony by staying with him.

If you were to break up with him now,you could start healing and eventually find somebody more compatible.

So I agree but he knows where I stand, I know where he stands. We do have feelings for each other, we just have very different expectations and goals in life. Right now we're good, we're like best friends plus romance. Perfect.

Do you think there's a chance we'll handle this until the real goodbye comes and that's most likely when one of us meets the other man or woman. As we really wish to stay friends after and we'll try to be enough matture about it.

But who knows, as the time goes by, maybe we even connect more and figure out how to deal with our marriage problem. Is it really that important to breakup over it? I need to think about it more, not sure. I just know I like us this way now, but definitely not for the future. Too bad because we don't really want to be with anybody else but we can't stay like this forever, he doesn't want it to progress.

We've been meeting other people not sexualy, but you know, nothing's ever happened in any way more than a friendship, we just can't. There's no chemistry like ours with others, being together or not, it doesn't matter.

My point is if you know it isn't going anywhere,why stay? And waiting around for another opportunity,i.e.jumping from one relationship to another is never a good thing.

He says never. I doubt that. Be patient with him, you will not be wasting your time. Is love wasting time?

Go and sit in a quite peacful place and clear your mind. Meditate on the subject... your relationship. Ask yourself what you want. Forget about the preconcieved ideas of what you think he might want. Focus on your needs. Think hard and long.

Do not pressure him too much, but rather talk without pointing fingers.
And one more thing. Its not worth breaking up over. Marriage is at the end of the day an out dated concept. Did you know it was orinigaly a legal form of prostitution? You give me a roof over my head and I will do the dished and have your children.

Its only recently that love came into play. Regardless. Some men fear the paper work.

I forgot to tell you what confuses and frustrates me with him and this subject. When we're together in front of his friends or family he teases me and calls me his better half and sometimes even talk about us having a baby. I just roll my eyes on that because I know when we talk privately about it, he seriously says no on any of that and says he's just making jokes.

This is a sensitive topic lately to me obviously, so I don't get it and feel he makes fun of me in public. What is he doing by it, if anything? If it's really just a stupid joke, why choose that to joke about? He knows I'm serious about it. He doesn't mention it in front of my friends or family of course.

Then you must tell him how hurtful it is-and ask him to give you a straight answer.

He is most likely looking for a reaction from his friends. Maybe a nod, or a sign of approval that he has not lost his mind. Marriage can be a very scary thing for some people. I am not one of those, marriage to me is not scary at all.

One thing is for sure, he is not making fun of you, I think he is toying with the idea, which is a good thing. It might take some time but jokes like that means he is thinking about it.

I might be wrong but studies have shown and 1st hand experience that a drug abuser make jokes about drugs in order to not look suspicious to others. To tell them, hahah, I would never do drugs.

So my reasoning tells me he is trying to joke about marriage in order to make the concept less scary.

But like I said I might be wrong. When you are done meditating over this, then it is time for talk, but only when he agrees to have a serious talk.

Its easier to communicate properly when both parties are ready to talk about it. He might need time of his own to think long and hard about it.

But I am sure at the end of the day everything will work out, and you might just get married. A positive mindset about these things makes life easier and both partners are less stressed in the relationship.

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Originally Posted by marriagehelpoh

here's what happened in the mean time. i tried to accept that we will not get married and i failed. we've been together for more than two years and i would like that we live together already since he lives with his family still while being 30! and i have my own place. he doesn't like it and he said he wants to have his own peace and he can't do things when i'm around or with him. i'm not clingy, i just think it's normal that we move in together but he doesn't want to and he is not doing anything to save money and buy us a new place if he doesn't like this one, so i think it's just an excuse.

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It is a huge red flag that he thinks there are things he thinks he has more freedom living with his family than he would living with you. It makes me wonder just what he has been doing and wants to keep doing.

It is also a red flag that his actions are not matching his words. He wants to 'spend his life with you (married or not)', but he isn't doing anything to make that happen.

Actually, it sounds like he is talking a good game in front of people to keep up the appearance that everything is great between the two of you. Have you told anyone that he has said to you that he doesn't want marriage and thinks it doesn't matter or is that a topic that has stayed just between the two of you?

You need to sit down with him and ask him point blank how he expects to 'spend his life with you' while living at his parents. I think he is looking at you as a 'friend with benefits', but is trying to make you think there is more so that he can keep his playmate happy. Are you okay with that arrangement?