A year ago my wife and I lived "apart" (in the same house) for a while. She couldn't stand my overbearing and impatient nature, and lack of attention to her problems over the years that had left her feeling unwanted and constantly undermined. She had been a stay at home mom and bringing up two kids alone while I worked long hours had not been easy on her. I worked on my short comings with a counselor and after about five months she felt the change and we reconciled. Life was good.

As part of my effort to support her building her professional career I took up a job that allowed me to work from home most of the time. Starting her career late meant that she had to work herself up the organization and deal with a boss and peers being several years younger to her. She felt a strong need to build an identity for herself and I supported her the best I could by giving her financial and personal freedom.

Work pressures became excessive at times and she brought those anxieties home more and more. I helped with "corporate advice" and kept the kids at bay over those times. Then about a month ago she totally switched off and stopped talking about work, her problems; had no interest in the kids and even me. Sex dropped to a minimum and she was detached at home. My 40th birthday and Xmas were largely a solo affair with her being a passive participant. Even our end of year vacation was no different. While I constantly brought up the issue subtly time and again over the last month I had never confronted her. Finally, I brought up the issue (or should I say bust a vein) on the new years eve. She reacted with a view that I was back to my old overbearing ways and the "change" was all cosmetic. This brought out the worst of the bad years in our marriage and in a few days she asked to leave with the kids.

It's been about 3 weeks since then and we still live under one roof for the kids but only barely. She won't talk to me... and this morning when we got into a discussion she told me that she hated me (in an extreme way) and never wanted to think about reconciliation ever again.

Would appreciate some thoughts on how do you deal with such a situation when there are kids involved (5 and 10 year olds). And needless to say I love my wife very much and am committed to my vows and the kids. My wife is not inclined to think about the impact on the kids at this time as she is consumed by her hatred for me and her own emotions.

As she suddenly switched off about a month ago can you pinpoint anything that happened around that time that might have triggered it?

Do you think your own behaviour has slipped back or did temporarily?

Well done for seeing a counsellor and making changes to your behaviour but I have to ask did they go far enough? The way you say you have given her 'corporate advice' and practical support makes me wonder if that is what she really wants. Men have a tendency to want to 'fix things' whilst women often desperately want only to be heard. Often if I am having a moan at my hubby about something that is upsetting me he tries to give me advice or offer practical help while all I need is for him to really listen. At better moments I can appreciate he means well and loves me but at the time it can feel as though he is being overbearing by trying to take charge of the problem instead of just letting me share my pain. I eventually got him to understand it but like most men he forgets sometimes but I say," I just need your ears and heart right now honey" and he remembers. Have you been doing too much 'fixing' and not enough 'hearing'?

If not maybe the problem is with your wife but she has slipped into blaming you again as she cannot see that the problem is different this time. Has she got so overstressed from work it has depressed her?

If you can't get to the bottom of it maybe it's time to consider more counselling, this time with your wife.

Good luck to you both.

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Originally Posted by QLP

As she suddenly switched off about a month ago can you pinpoint anything that happened around that time that might have triggered it?

Do you think your own behaviour has slipped back or did temporarily?

Well done for seeing a counsellor and making changes to your behaviour but I have to ask did they go far enough? The way you say you have given her 'corporate advice' and practical support makes me wonder if that is what she really wants. Men have a tendency to want to 'fix things' whilst women often desperately want only to be heard. Often if I am having a moan at my hubby about something that is upsetting me he tries to give me advice or offer practical help while all I need is for him to really listen. At better moments I can appreciate he means well and loves me but at the time it can feel as though he is being overbearing by trying to take charge of the problem instead of just letting me share my pain. I eventually got him to understand it but like most men he forgets sometimes but I say," I just need your ears and heart right now honey" and he remembers. Have you been doing too much 'fixing' and not enough 'hearing'?

If not maybe the problem is with your wife but she has slipped into blaming you again as she cannot see that the problem is different this time. Has she got so overstressed from work it has depressed her?

If you can't get to the bottom of it maybe it's time to consider more counselling, this time with your wife.

Good luck to you both.

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I did learn about the "trigger" only at the end. Her boss said something rude to her that reminder her of something I had said ten years ago. She couldn't confide that issue in me and probably went into a shell.

The "corporate advice" I would give us was only when specifically asked. It was often, and fairly involved with several emotional outbursts from her.

Her hatred is so consuming that she is currently in the process of returning all gifts I've given her over the last couple of years :confused:

Has she now confided what the issue was 10 years ago and has that been resolved? It sounds as though she is holding onto a lot of pain from the past and ths work issues are bringing them back into focus. I really would try and persuade her to come to counselling, even if you have to say that if need be the conselling might help you deal with splitting up.

Tell her you understand that she resents you. But you feel you should work it out. Go see a therapist. If she refuses, then I assure you the problem is not with you but with her.

If she is willing to stop acting like a child, do not offer advise for anything. At least for 2 weeks, no matter what she says or complains about, just listen and pretend to have empathy.

I say pretend because I do not believe in this, but women do. Fake it until you make it. But remember do not get upset or offer solutions to anything. Just nod and stuff. Women think we get them then.

But also do not nag for counseling. If she does not come around well dude, then you are in a pretty bad place.

My response might seem cold, but hell, women drives us men to become cold and emotionless. In my opinion this is what they want, robots.

Oh yes one more thing. If she is not willing to cooperate, please tell her this is her fault because she gave too much and did not regulate how much she gave, thus ending up feeling burned out. It was her responsibility to control how much she gives. Not yours. She has a role in this resentment more than you.

It could be that she is afraid of failure, and having you see she cannot live up to her own, or your expectations. She may be resentful that your career was more successful than hers is. She is facing more barriers after being a stay at home mom, because as you said she is also competing with younger co-workers.

I was overwhelmed when I was in almost the same boat. I felt like a fish out of water, and very out of my league with all the changes in the workplace, from people, to business practises, to a lack of understanding of the simplest things on the technology end.

She is facing far more than just going back to work. Her relationship with you has changed, her relationships with her children and all those routines and that lifestyle, has changed. She isn't dealing with moms in the park anymore; it is a whole new world.

As you said, and quite well I think, is that she is building a whole new identity.

If she is feeling miserable and looking to vent or justify feeling the way she is, she's going to point the finger at long ago resolved issues. It may not mean anything other than she wants you to feel as miserable as she is right now. She is stinging from the remark made by her boss, and not dealing with it as well as someone who is far more seasoned in their career.

My advice is to not focus on what she says in anger, or what she brings up to justify feeling so lousy. Give her time and space so she feels you are not being critical, even though you aren't (and I believe you). Be kind, and understanding, and ride out the storm.

This will pass when she gets her footing, and some confidence under her belt. She needs to find success under her own steam, and not risk looking less than successful to you.

I think that when all is said and done, she is harder on herself, than she is on you. Have faith.

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Originally Posted by Jake2008

It could be that she is afraid of failure, and having you see she cannot live up to her own, or your expectations. She may be resentful that your career was more successful than hers is. She is facing more barriers after being a stay at home mom, because as you said she is also competing with younger co-workers.

I was overwhelmed when I was in almost the same boat. I felt like a fish out of water, and very out of my league with all the changes in the workplace, from people, to business practises, to a lack of understanding of the simplest things on the technology end.

She is facing far more than just going back to work. Her relationship with you has changed, her relationships with her children and all those routines and that lifestyle, has changed. She isn't dealing with moms in the park anymore; it is a whole new world.

As you said, and quite well I think, is that she is building a whole new identity.

If she is feeling miserable and looking to vent or justify feeling the way she is, she's going to point the finger at long ago resolved issues. It may not mean anything other than she wants you to feel as miserable as she is right now. She is stinging from the remark made by her boss, and not dealing with it as well as someone who is far more seasoned in their career.

My advice is to not focus on what she says in anger, or what she brings up to justify feeling so lousy. Give her time and space so she feels you are not being critical, even though you aren't (and I believe you). Be kind, and understanding, and ride out the storm.

This will pass when she gets her footing, and some confidence under her belt. She needs to find success under her own steam, and not risk looking less than successful to you.

I think that when all is said and done, she is harder on herself, than she is on you. Have faith.

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You have been very perceptive on a number of points. To add, in some ways she's behaving (or wants to be) inconsiderate, like I did several years ago when dealing with domestic issues. And, while two wrongs don't make a right, she believes it's her right and time to do so now.

"...while I worked long hours had not been easy on her"

"Her boss said something rude to her that reminder her of something I had said ten years ago."

Ok, so we have two things here that set her off (among *many* others) -

She thinks entirely of herself (YOU were the person working long hours, with the attendant stress, lack of sleep, quick meals, etc. presumably so your family could have a better life) but she's completely and wholly ungrateful for this effort. Furthermore, she BLAMES you for it. Conversely, if you worked normal hours and brought home an average salary, she'd be complaining about not having nicer things, etc.

Secondly, she's blaming you for something ANOTHER PERSON said. TEN YEARS AGO. Wow, talk about holding a grudge! This isn't an issue of love/hate, this is a case of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Again, she's thinking of one person - herself. You're a spear carrier in her show. You're expendable.

She's got you believing that if you are "better" (and note that the definition of "better" shifts constantly) then she will love you and you will go back to being a happy couple. Check out the symptoms of Emotional Abuse at:

http://www.lilaclane.com/relationships/emotional-abuse/

And realistically answer each question, preferably when you're alone, can't be interrupted and can destroy the results. The more questions you answer "yes" to, the more likely you're being emotionally abused. She doesn't just want a piece of the pie; she wants the whole bakery and you to do all the work. To borrow a phrase from Dan Savage: "DTMFA".

15lettersorless, this thread is over a year and a half old.

I think you need to read what you quoted again and pay close attention to the facts. The boss said something that reminded her of what the op, her husband, said 10 years ago not what another person said. Also, your perception of what he wrote seems to be very against the wife and what she has been through for the bulk of their marriage. She doesn't sound ungrateful as much as frustrated and scared with a lot of pain buried deep within.

Essentially, their roles reversed and that always takes a lot of work and adjustment on both of their parts.

I hope they both got help and have moved on with their lives separately or together.