Their mother died Sept.'08-we became engaged Aug.'09. They cannot bear to see their dad with another woman and may never. He says he has to choose his children and not hurt them... to just give them time to adjust. How long should I wait or just give it up? We live 4 hours apart and I see him seldom, though we talk on the phone.

As a father, his children do come first. I suggest sitting down and having a serious talk with him as to where the relationship is going. I think it's way too soon, for his sake, for his kid's sake, to be engaged less than a year after the mother/wife's death.

I can def see why you might feel that he shouldn't choose them over you, but they are his children. Even though their grown, they are still his children. He is also the only parent they have left.

I think you need to have patience. You did get engaged less than a year after their mother passed away. So as Jamie said.. for his sake and for his kids sake. I think you need to be patience and let this move along at the pace that their comfortable with (both him and them).

This might seem unfair to you, but that seems to be his wish and that should be respected.

Best of luck.

How old are the children.

Leave him, he has made his choice, they are adult kids and they can do what they want, He is suppose to be looking for someone to be in his life till the death due you part thing, And obviously he did not love you enough to choice his and your happiness over that of spoiled kids.

It would only be worst if you stayed with him

OOps! Sorry, I re-read the question after Chuck's response, and saw that we are dealing with adult children.

He should be able to stand up to his adult children and tell them to buzz off, it's his life. That they feel comfortable making such demands on him in the first place, makes me think he's had a history of being controlled and manipulated by them.

Very sad indeed. He has a shot at happiness, and he chooses to be under the thumb of his children.

They should be ashamed of themselves, and I have to agree, if he lacks the courage or fortitude here to do the right thing by himself, your life will be miserable with him because of it.

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Originally Posted by Jake2008

How old are the children.

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The son & daughter are in their forties, married w/ children (1 grandson).
The daughter lives next door.

Wow, no wonder you are depressed. These 'children' should be encouraging him to get out there, have fun, enjoy his life and celebrate his impending marriage to you!!

I wonder if they are just intimidated and worried about their inheritance? Maybe not wishing to see anyone else split the pie? I really can't imagine any other reason that might explain why they block his happiness with guilt.

They are extremely selfish people. I'm not sure this is a situation that your fiancé can break free of.

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Originally Posted by jaime90

As a father, his children do come first. I suggest sitting down and having a serious talk with him as to where the relationship is going. I think it's way too soon, for his sake, for his kid's sake, to be engaged less than a year after the mother/wife's death.

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Thank you for your input.

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Originally Posted by Jake2008

wow, no wonder you are depressed. These 'children' should be encouraging him to get out there, have fun, enjoy his life and celebrate his impending marriage to you!!!

I wonder if they are just intimidated and worried about their inheritance? Maybe not wishing to see anyone else split the pie? I really can't imagine any other reason that might explain why they block his happiness with guilt.

They are extremely selfish people. I'm not sure this is a situation that your fiance can break free of.

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We explained to them that we will both keep our homes & split our time between them & the grandchidren there & my children & grandchildren here. And that his estate is to be left to them & my estate is to be left to mine. So, I'm not understanding why they would insist that their dad be alone the rest of his life either.

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Originally Posted by depressed1

The son & daughter are in their forties, married w/ children (1 grandson)
The daughter lives next door.

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Actually, there is 1 GREAT-grandson & 4 grandchildren.

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Originally Posted by roxypox

I can def see why you might feel that he shouldn't choose them over you, but they are his children. Even though their grown, they are still his children. He is also the only parent they have left.

I think you need to have patience. You did get engaged less than a year after their mother passed away. So as Jamie said.. for his sake and for his kids sake. I think you need to be patience and let this move along at the pace that their comfortable with (both him and them).

This might seem unfair to you, but that seems to be his wish and that should be respected.

Best of luck.

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Thank you~just not sure what an appropriate grieving period should be.
We've discussed not following through with a marriage ceremony (as a lot of seniors do), but it doesn't seem to matter.

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Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck

Leave him, he has made his choice, they are adult kids and they can do what they want, He is suppose to be looking for someone to be in his life till the death due you part thing, And obviously he did not love you enough to choice his and your happiness over that of spoiled kids.

it would only be worst if you stayed with him

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He says he loves me & that I will alwaiys be in his life... it's just so hard being apart until his children adjust.

I'm curious depressed, what your fiancé considers enough time. It has been almost 1 1/2 years now. What signs is he looking for that his adult children have adjusted, and does he think that they will then accept you?

Have you spent any time with these family members? Maybe part of the problem is they feel over-protective, and if they knew you better, it might ease their concerns?

There are all kinds of possibilities for their reluctance in accepting the marriage.

But, it isn't them getting married, and ultimately, it will be up to him to make his own decisions as to when is a good time for him, without influence from his family.

I feel sorry that you are stuck in the middle between him and these adult children. It seems very unfair to me.

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Originally Posted by depressed1

Thank you~just not sure what an appropriate grieving period should be.
We've discussed not following through with a marriage ceremony (as a lot of seniors do), but it doesn't seem to matter.

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I do want to modify my respons now that I know how old his children are... when you said adults I was thinking that they might be in their early 20's or something's since he chose them... but now... knowing that they are in their 40's I want to modify allittle. He still needs his time, they need to adjust as well. (no matter what their age)

I def understand why you are depressed about this and well, grieving is different from everyone... have the two of you talked about that specifically though? How much time he thinks he needs and what would be appropriate?

From your answeres you seem to be a woman who are understanding and patient and the explanation as to what will be done with the houses and estets is a good idea.

I am sure that he thinks he is doing what is best and is trying to not upset the apple cart but their attitude is very selfish, and giving in to them is a sacrifice that he should not have to make.

If they are concerned about their father and his having a full life with another person who cares for him they should be encouraging him to move on and take that shot at happiness.

This in no way defiles the memory of their mother or of their parents marriage.

Are they going to be his companion for years to come? Are they going to be there to care for him should he fall ill?
Are they going to be there to vacation with and share meals and enjoy his golden years or are they going to have their own lives ?

If it were me I would ask for a family meeting (or a dinner)and tell them your intentions and help them to see you are not a gold digger and express to them how selfish they are being.

Depriving their father of happiness is shameful. His allowing it is idiotic!

Put your foot down and make your intentions clear.

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Originally Posted by Jake2008

I'm curious depressed, what your fiance considers enough time. It has been almost 1 1/2 years now. What signs is he looking for that his adult children have adjusted, and does he think that they will then accept you?

Have you spent any time with these family members? Maybe part of the problem is they feel over-protective, and if they knew you better, it might ease their concerns?

There are all kinds of possibilities for their reluctance in accepting the marriage.

But, it isn't them getting married, and ultimately, it will be up to him to make his own decisions as to when is a good time for him, without influence from his family.

I feel sorry that you are stuck in the middle between him and these adult children. It seems ver unfair to me.

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I have met all of his familly... we've spent time with his daughter who says she becomes physically ill when seeing us together. I have written her a letter assuring her that I am not trying to take her dad away from her or trying to replace her mother. He asked her if she expected him to live the rest of his life alone... no answer.

What a horrible thing to say to you, or anybody, under any circumstances. Wow. The only other thing I can think that might explain some of their behaviour is, illness. Are they suffering with any illness, mental or physical? Particularly the one living next door. Do they rely on your fiancé to help them out, financially or otherwise?

That might be some of the explanation, but even at that, your fiancé not setting boundaries, and needing their approval in the first place, with children in their 40's, may not be a 'bond' that you can expect to change. Even if you do marry him, they will be in his back pocket, and there is no guarantee they will be any more respectful or accepting of you, then they are now.

I would love to offer you something positive to think about, or something that may help you, but I'm at a loss to explain the behaviour of your fiancé, or his children.

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Originally Posted by artlady

I am sure that he thinks he is doing what is best and is trying to not upset the apple cart but their attitude is very selfish, and giving in to them is a sacrifice that he should not have to make.

If they are concerned about their father and his having a full life with another person who cares for him they should be encouraging him to move on and take that shot at happiness.

This in no way defiles the memory of their mother or of their parents marriage.

Are they going to be his companion for years to come? Are they going to be there to care for him should he fall ill?
Are they going to be there to vacation with and share meals and enjoy his golden years or are they going to have their own lives ?

If it were me I would ask for a family meeting (or a dinner)and tell them your intentions and help them to see you are not a gold digger and express to them how selfish they are being.

Depriving their father of happiness is shameful. His allowing it is idiotic!

Put your foot down and make your intentions clear.

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His daughter & family next door just returned from a cruise. Dad stayed home to feed their horses, chickens, ducks, dogs, cats, etc. He's a very convenient babysitter for the grands and helps his daughter with her remodeling projects.

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Originally Posted by Jake2008

What a horrible thing to say to you, or anybody, under any circumstances. Wow. The only other thing I can think that might explain some of their behaviour is, illness. Are they suffering with any illness, mental or physical? Particularly the one living next door. Do they rely on your fiance to help them out, financially or otherwise?

That might be some of the explanation, but even at that, your fiance not setting boundaries, and needing their approval in the first place, with children in their 40's, may not be a 'bond' that you can expect to change. Even if you do marry him, they will be in his back pocket, and there is no guarantee they will be any more respectful or accepting of you, then they are now.

I would love to offer you something positive to think about, or something that may help you, but I'm at a loss to explain the behaviour of your fiance, or his children.

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His children & grands are in excellent health, mentally & physically... he is diabetic. They are also well off monetarily... his daughter is married to a millionaire who is seldom home, so he helps with the grands & whatever.