We have been together for over 6 years. Her mom just died in September & now she says she can't give me what I deserve in a relationship. She is now going out with friends & drinking alot; staying out all night sometimes; hanging out with younger people. We had a great relationship up until October. She just says she loves me but isn't in love with me. How does this just end without me knowing anything was wrong? She said things just changed when her mom died. There was someone helping take care of her mom & she had a little emotional attachment to this person but that is now over. I don't know how to go on without her especially since I don't know what happened. I am staying at her mom's old house now but have not moved all my things out of our house. I just don't know what to do. She says it's over but still calls me. I can't get a grip & move on. Do I still have a chance or not?

If she wants space, respect her wishes. Stop answering her calls, it shows you are still there waiting for her while she can go do whatever she wants. Get your stuff out of the house immediately, this way you aren't getting stuff out of it piece by piece for the next few months.

I would give her time, without any pressure, or questions that she probably cannot answer right now. She just lost her mother in September.

People react, and respond, and greive in different ways, for different periods. It is not unusual for people to act out in ways that are contrary to their personalities. I have seen some very solid, normal people do some very surprising things, including risk taking behaviour- totally out of character.

For now, don't take the behaviour personally, or feel responsible for causing it.

It is more likely than not she will need you at some point. Until then, I would just keep a respectful distance.

One more thing to add now. She is now spending time with someone who is 13 years younger with 2 kids. She is gone for the whole week visiting. She just met this person but would rather spend time there instead of with me. I just don't get it.

When you say mid-life crisis, how old are you guys?

When couples are faced with obstacles, you draw from each other for strength. She's obviously doing the opposite by pushing you away. It sounds more like she doesn't feel the same way about you as you do about her.

We are both in our 40's. She says she loves me very much but needs space to think. She was very co-dependent on her mother so this is a big loss. She wants me to promise to never leave her life because I am her rock. How long will she be in this stage?

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by raven4u68

How long will she be in this stage?

---

There's no way to predict. Different people take different amounts of time to recover. If she says that you're her rock and if you really care about her, then you'd stick by her for however long.

Be there to support her if she needs or and give her space when she asks for it. You'll have to be patient with her, you can't expect a quick recovery from such a painful event.

What if she is using this "time/space" to be involved with someone else? She has said I am the best thing that ever happened to her & that no one would ever treat her better than I have but she doesn't want me around. I just don't get it.

Duh.

It sounds like that's a nice excuse for her. As well as her Mom.

All the things she says contradict, but her actions are true.

Doesn't matter if you are 40 or not. Time & space is a blowoff from a coward that can't express and be honest.

I would think through all her turmoil, she would want you to be there, but seems like there is something else underlying

I know 6 years is a long time. My ex & I were in for 5. Don't wait around.

Don't be her rock, let her find out what "a rock" really means.

By that time you'll be gone.

Sounds like she doesn't know how to be. And if you are not her guy, so be it.

Don't waste time on her. Sounds like confused BS.

Plus she seeing this other guy.

Later skater.

Vanheart, I think that is a big conclusion to jump to. She may or may not have wanted a way out of the relationship or she may just want some space.

She has gone through a very traumatic experience. We all grieve in different ways though the processes are the same we act out in out of character ways, because we are out of character!

The foundation that she has always known is gone. Some people latch on, some leave when something like this happens.

I think you need to give this woman space, not only because this is what she has requested but also because you need to get a grip yourself.

This woman is not your life. You have got on before her just fine, and if needs be you will be again. If you hold on like the lost puppy you become the Christmas puppy... cute at first but not wanted a month down the line.

Get me?

Not, really. No. nor, do I like that tone "Get it?" Please...

Whoa, sure. Just trying to help.

Ill give her all the space she needs. And she's not your life either.

She said she doesn't love him. Sorry. Didn't mean to hurt your feelings. I'll unsubscribe.

Ok, the rest of the comment was for the original poster, only the first line was directed at you.

Why would I ask you to give anyone space??

And I'm only assuming here, but I think the OP is a guy.

No offense. Please. Got confused with the bold text.

Yeah, I know who the poster is.

And your right everyone grieves in their own way. Including raven.

The foundation with her mom is gone. But the foundation with you two is another issue.

Neverme's right, don't be her puppy, when its convenient for her.

Let her sort her stuff out, and you do the same.

Just to clarify something. She has told me she loves me very much & always will but just needs me to give her space & time. I moved out to her mom's house which is up for sale to give her that space. I can't move all my stuff in case the house sells, I don't want to have all that stuff there. She wants to come & go as she pleases & she says that's not fair to me to stay at home & take care of everything so I left our home for now. She keeps apologizing for hurting me. We never had any issues until her mom died. How do you go from wanting to be together all the time outside of work to not wanting to spend any time together? She would rather go out & party. Most of this reeks of a midlife crisis for a woman but I just can't really tell.

Harshness warning

If you really care about someone, you wouldn't do things to jepordize the relationship and you wouldn't want to hurt them by keeping them in limbo.

For the record, I'm very sorry to hear about her mother's passing, but I'm also sorry to be the one who has to say this, but her mother's death is almost an excuse to ask for time and space.

She asked for time and space because she doesn't believe that she can draw strength from you. Secondly, telling you that it's a midlife crisis is a second excuse. By combining excuses, she won't feel as guilty asking you for time and space.

In a strong relationship, you lean on each other for support. You be there for each other. She's doing the exact opposite. Telling you that she still loves you is only to soften the blow.

"Actions speak louder than words."

Telling you that she wants to come and go as she pleases means that she doesn't want to be committed to you anymore, she wants freedom away from you. She doesn't want your support anymore.

There's a chance that she might one day come back to you, but all actions say that she's starting to move on with her life.

I do appreciate everyone's honesty. I guess my biggest problem is what happened. Everything was great before her mom died. I could tell a difference in her about a week after her mom passed away. They were so codependent on each other & her whole life has changed now. She didn't mention midlife crisis; I did. I have been reading about stuff. I am just stepping away; it's just hard because we built a home together. It will be hard dividing things up & sharing custody of our 2 dogs. If I could understand what happened, I might be better off but just don't know what happened.

In life,we sometimes have to accept and learn to live with the fact that we aren't likely to get an answer or an explanation when we want and need them.

Move on with your life now its what you have to do for yourself.

It's a shock for sure.

And if this loss made her realize some things, or is making a "now me" decision, it doesn't really matter. When I say that, I mean the reasons.

The point is she doesn't want what you want. Or thought that both of you wanted.

Ya know, sometimes people up and walk. And we are left with what to do.

Let the dust settle emotionally. Then use your gut. You are way more important than her or anyone here. Or belongings, or what have you.

Super hard, but you will continue.

You need to stop trying to figure out Why.

It's not going to help you. No matter what reason you are given it is never going to be enough because you weren't ready for it to be over.

What does matter is It is over. Deal in realities, not what if's.. and if only's... It doesn't matter what you could have done differently or not. Try to take from the situation what you can, learning wise and move on.