Ask Me Help Desk - My Mother Hates Me

Hi all,

I am 46 and was raised by a mother that resented getting pregnant with me. She has been very open about how much I ruined her life. I can't even speak to her anymore and she has turned my father against me. I hate how much it hurts. There is still this little girl inside who desparately wants her mother to love her, but I know that will never happen. I still cry over it. I want it to stop hurting, but I can't find a way to get past it.

Had anyone else had a similar mother and been able to find a way to not let it bother you so much?

Parents can and do create terrible conflicts in their children sometimes. While its unfair to helpless children, I don't see as it as so unfair when the children are grown and can do something about it as an adult. When you are ready, I would advise you do as I did-- seek out a professional and work it out in therapy. It proved to be VERY worthwhile to me, altered the course of my life and made things that were not possible for me possible.
For me, it was my father who died last summer having never resolved it with me-- although I was open to that. I mean open but not needing or wanting since, fortunately, I resolved it with him long ago. He was a sick man, doing the best he could which wasn't very good but unwilling to seek help in the face of overwhelming evidence suggesting otherwise. He just couldn't allow any help. Sadly that ruined many relationships, some to the point where it was not possible to have a relationship with him. I learned that resolving it at my end is as good as it gets and I buried him (and my little bit of hope that it be resolved at his end too) while I loved him with all my heart. Some things in life don't get fixed or aren't recoverable.

It takes a lot of courage to really heal from these sorts of things. I know this firsthand. I suspect if you look inside yourself closely enough you will find all that you need. And if you should have moments where you doubt that, know that you can borrow some of mine until you do, if you like. I have more than enough just now. No strings attached. If therapy seems too big of a step, I would suggest a book called "Healing The Child Within" first and allow yourself the permission to cry your way through it like I did. I hope that helps.

Thank you valinors-sorrow,

I will get that book. Most of the time I do fine, it is always this time of year that the old emotions rise back up. The holidays never were a good time as a child. As an adult, I always kept my pain hidden because I didn't want to burden anyone especially my children. I have a wonderful daughter that I am close to, and she is very supportive, but she is busy right now planning a wedding for this summer. So I don't want to talk about it to her. I want her to be happy and not worry about her mother. I took a very bad fall a few years ago that forced me to give up a hairdressing career that I loved and she has been worried a lot about me over that. I just don't want to burden her anymore.

So I very well may borrow from time to time. Thank you so much. It does help to know that other folks have been able to go on with their life. I have been able to be productive because I have always been such a fighter. I refuse to allow this or anything else get in my way. I have gone back to college, although I am still not sure what type of degree to go for. At least I am heading somewhere, just not sure where yet.

Quote:

Originally Posted by mgibson0503

I will get that book.

Great!
Let me know what you think of it or if you have any questions. There are other books I can recoomend too. But I would start with that one. :)

I had a friend whose mother hated her as yours for the same reason. It leaves such a mark on a person. A mother is the one that is to love you unconditionally. She in later life found an older woman that was alone and her daughter lived far away and had little time for her. She and Ada became very close and they shared a love that filled each others void. I have found there are many ways of healing wounds. When my mother passed away I missed her so much. After the first year, I would send flowers to an older friend that needed some time and love on the holidays. I have done that since and we have become close and have lunch and do the things my mother and I did. I find giving love will come back tenfold. There are many lonely people out there that are wonderful to be around and are great listeners.
Read the book Val told you about and good luck.

:( I have a similar situation... it begins with a beautiful visual looking mother and not so attractive but working father... he married my mother because she was pregnant with me... was married at the time and I believe there was a divorce although I have never seen a marriage license; or a divorce decree from his previous marriage... ;nor had my parents' celebrated the anniversary of the marriage; nor had my father recognized my birthday... they had six children together... he will always say the having children are something he did not want... but he enjoys the status and the congratulation he receives from members of the his family and the community and the mason organization that he belongs to... he had never celebrated any of his children birthdays... and it was not because he is not a Christian... he sings in a church choir... his first marriage to a woman that was proven to be very nice... she wanted to hate my mother but found out after meeting her she was not the enemy... she was child... she felt so sorry for her and her hatred went away... fact of that effort was... her response to me during my mothers marriage to my father... he hated him and care for my mother... and the children my mother gave birth to... I truly believe she cared for us... but my father hated his child from her and from he hated the children from my mother and the children he had by other women while married to my mother

... the last days... of my mother life was a sad moment in human history she saw this man for what he was and wanted to leave but did know how... she was weak in obtaining information about her rights... my father had at least 3 children by other woman during his marriage to my mommy... the last few days of her life he harassed her and had his other women call the hospital and harassed her while she was there... women called and told her... :( that they had just given birth to little girls... after the phone conversation... my went into a coma and died... he cried not a tear... he was with this woman for 18 years and cared not a thing about her:mad:... still the children feeling the lost of our mother tried to care about this man that had left us without financial or emotional care... my mother never denied him visitation... she never allowed us to disrespect him... after all she would say he is our father... but there was something she understood about me... I will never let this man take advantage of her children... if I could help it... he refused to sign some paper work so I would go to college he said he need to take me off his taxes... understand this point... I... sent letters to three universities and had one face to face interview and was accepted by these schools... he refused to sign the paperwork for student loans and scholarships... he had too many children to take care for... he would say is his reasoning... I had to wait a few years before I was able to inter college... on my own... sad... I remember setting on the back steps of my aunts apartment building crying... saying all that hard work... going down the drain... I needed a weather coat and bus fare and food allowance... and no one wanted to help... that knew my situation... my father wanted me to take care of his children... I said H-e-double- tooth- picks no... he proceeded to bad mouth me to the family... years later I married and went to college... this man my father asked my husband to co-sign for a loan... I left the answer to my husband and he said yes... the man defaulted on the loan... I asked him why... he said you’re the fool to allow it in the first place... I am the fool... after my father defaulted on this loan then more nasty came loose... he married a woman to take care of children... for the welfare department was coming... the neighbors and I got together for the sake of the children... in order not to be perceived as a heartless, cruel dog of man... he married some woman off the streets to take care of his children... nasty... she murder her husband and did time... there were 4 children at the house under the 16 that needed to be taken care of... this was the best he could do... the other women I am not sure why he did not ask the other women that had his children... but this woman had not children and was able to conceive children... may be the other woman did not want to marry him until the children that were left... leave... but this low life... she abused his children... and I warned him... to take care of my mother's children... he didn't want them... I was not told of this abuse... until later a few years later... I asked why haven’t this information been given to me ( a nice way of I was not happy about the response)... well let me stop short of what I said but, the answer ended... the abused child said... Her big sister would have killed the woman had she told... I am the big sister... me... I am now the horrible sister that did not come to her rec use... I would go to the post office and have an argument with his follower... nasty... he would tell my in-laws he never wanted me in the first place... I paid for my sister’s wedding... my sister asked him and he said if I was paying for anything... consider it from him too... what was that... nasty... my sister cried but still gave him a table at head to wedding... I sat to side... for peace... no... I truly hate this man... he would tell my children that they were spoiled brats... but would call them when he needed to show how great of man he is to others... side stepping me... for every one knew... how much I hated this man... I told my children they will have the opportunity to see this man for what he is... my son hates because I do... my daughter had to find it out on her own... her last visit with this man was her last... she came back and sad how sad of man and children... he knew nothing about us... she would say... I hope she keeps away from Satan supporter... he is a horrible man... he laughs at the misery of his children... and tries to break up the marriages of his children... he working on my brothers... he was successful with the second oldest child... the others are confused... one even told me to forgive this man... this man support the hostile actions that caused my mother death... and will dismiss you... oh yeah he did dismiss him... ask him the names of his grand children... he knows not... he treated me as I am the problem child of the century... he even hit me for being overweight and I was in the thirties at time... he said... my husband doesn’t want me because I am fat... my mommy was shaped like the old fashioned cola bottles... she had a wow mama shape... you looked good shaped and had six children wow... he cheated with fat ugly woman that were underage... I get beat up because of I am fat... his murder wife told him to beat me... I needed to be put in my place... so he hit and choked me... I beat the mess out of that man... oh by the way she said she did think I would hit back... she was shocked... I told her... I would kill that man... if he places a hand on me again... and he better not touch or have some one hurt any member of my family for his actions... Oh by the way my father told my mother years ago... when I was about 8 or 10 that he had beat a man down that won some money gambling and took his money... I was scared of this man... and I believe that was when I began to think differently of this man... no man touches me... never... my mother told him never to touch her daughters... my grand mother disliked this man period... so he knew better... again... I am the hard to handle child because I am fat... according to him... you can’t tell fat women what to do... they got a mind of their own... women according to him are place into this final segment “a Harlot would be treated better than a wife” the word harlot is use in place of the wh***... you think you got it bad... no... I have no problem in keeping some one so horrible away from me... consider the action of your mother like that of a horrible person... you should keep away from the drama... do so... she would need you before you will ever need her... be good to yourself... you do not have to say a thing to your parent... your actions will speak better than your words... do you have any children?. teach them to be kind people... but keep your children from this type of environment... for it will effect you later... I am talking from experience... the element will become nasty towards you and will undermine any good efforts on your part towards yourself... if you continue to keep your children involved with this person... your children will turn on you... you will become the enemy... keep yourself free from this element... I know it's hard... you prefer to have a mother’s love... but it is not to be... for now... question is your father your biological father?. and he turning against you... that is what happens when jealousy and self hatred visits your life... all that is deceit will turn to nasty...
This was therapy for me... I am over 50... the pain will go away... when you know... that you are in the right... and the wrong will be taken care of... wish them well... and keep your home safe... and you will be able to give advice like this to help someone else...

Whoa! I can't even fathom the hurt some of you have gone through, but I know what it is like to have an absent, unloving parent. I had a horrible father who was open about how he hated me for "taking away my mother's love." Leaving was the best thing he could ever do for us. I had many years of pain trying to cope with the memories of his cruelty, but I did get help for myself. I still have some flashbacks at odd moments, but I can now just shrug them away instead of feeling knocked over by them. Talking really helped. So did understanding that I could not control what some f**khead did to me as a helpless child. That is all done, and I have complete control and power over my own life. We are all better parents because we have seen what the bad ones do.

MGibson- you are giving your daughter exactly what you were missing as a child, and I applaud you for that. Some people carry on the abuse of their parents. You have already overcome the worst part and don't even know it. No matter what else your mother did, she didn't make you just like her. All you need now is to get a good counselor or therapy group. We are all here to cheer you on too..

Oh, BTW- I would never let my father anywhere near my daughter (like he cares). If he hates me, why should he love my offspring? I kind of agree with LunaGoddess that you shouldn't have your kids around your mother to let her poison them as well.

Sometimes the best thing to do with really toxic people is love them from a distance. I took one of my cues from Fiddler On The Roof where the rabbi is asked if there is a proper blessing for the Czar and he answers "God bless and keep the Czar..........far away from us!"

Im living this right now I'm the yougest of two children, my older brother is 13 years older than me and he is my mothers pride and joy even though he is a screw up. I'm the one with good grades and never gets into trouble but for some reason my mother has never looked at me like she loved me. She looks at me with a look of hatred. I live the perfect life, except my own mother can't stand to be around me for more than 5 minutes. A mother should want to give their life up for their child but I guess not mine. I've thought of everything killing my myself but I thouhgt that ill just make her happy. I've wqatched home videos that show her and me and I see it in her eyes when I was little that look she gave me like she loved me. I get everything I want but id rather have my mothers love than any of it. On my birthday she hands me a card with money and leaves and she doesn't even sign it. She fights with me everyday and yells about me and how I'm a screw up. When I bring home my report and I've gotten straight a's she'll say "so wat are you showing this to me for, i don't care". My brother has two kids and she loves them. My dad travels on business so its always me and her in the house, and I asked her once when I was aboout 8, what it was like the day she had me, she said I don't remember it wasn't important.ill hate her for the rest of my life I know that. She missed my eighth grade graduation because she told my brother shed bring him somewhere. She's never said she regrets having me but I can tell she does, ill never know why.

Quote:

Originally Posted by mgibson0503

Hi all,

I am 46 and was raised by a mother that resented getting pregnant with me. She has been very open about how much I ruined her life. I can't even speak to her anymore and she has turned my father against me. I hate how much it hurts. There is still this little girl inside who desparately wants her mother to love her, but I know that will never happen. I still cry over it. I want it to stop hurting, but I can't find a way to get past it.

Had anyone else had a simular mother and been able to find a way to not let it bother you so much?

I have the same situation with my father. When I was younger, I held all the hurt in. All that did was make me more anger. Once I was comfortable talking about it, that really helped. It hurts my pride to say, but every time I talked about it, I would start crying. After letting out all the feelings I had about the situation, I am in a much happier time in my life. I have tried to just put him in the past. If I ever start thinking about it, I just talk with someone close to me and that helps. You need to have somebody to talk to, or it will all get bottled up and it will consume you. I know that you will be able to get through this even if it seems impossible now. I wish you all the best.

Yeah I'm a guy and I have the same problem with my father. He was always pushing me around and calling me names until I finally just snapped and got in face at about 16 years old. He cowardly, backed down from me, who at this point was much bigger than him. The name calling didn't stop even into my adulthood. Eventually I quit having any contact with him and to be honest I feel great. I don't even think about it. I believe that if someone is bad for you to be around then for your own life it's best to move on. It's worked for me and I recommend it to anybody.

I just found out my mom left me out of her will and trust. I have a sister and two brothers. I am the 3rd child. When I asked her about it she said I didn't need anything ans that I was better off than my siblings. Not only did she leave me nothing. She never even mentioned my name. She says I'm paranoid and doesn't understand why I am so upset. Talk about twisted! Every success Ihave she makes some snide comment like, " Well i guess you will buy some designer dress to go to your fancy event". She is also an atheist and thinks Ive lost my mind because I am a christian. This is a constant source of anoyment to her. I feel so conflicted. On one hand I live her and forgive her, on the other I am so upset. I just want to be recognized by her. Just once. My guilt is great because she is 80 years old. I try everyday. Some days are better than others. For all you out there that have a supportive mom, thank God every night for her.

Quote:

Originally Posted by LUNAGODDESS

:( I have a similar situation...it begins with a beautiful visual looking mother and not so attractive but working father...he married my mother because she was pregnant with me...was married at the time and I believe there was a divorce although I have never seen a marriage license; or a divorce decree from his previous marriage...;nor had my parents' celebrated the anniversary of the marriage; nor had my father recognized my birthday...they had six children together...he will always say the having children are something he did not want...but he enjoys the status and the congratulation he receives from members of the his family and the community and the mason organization that he belongs to...he had never celebrated any of his children birthdays...and it was not because he is not a Christian...he sings in a church choir...his first marriage to a woman that was proven to be very nice...she wanted to hate my mother but found out after meeting her she was not the enemy ...she was child...she felt so sorry for her and her hatred went away.... fact of that effort was... her response to me during my mothers marriage to my father ...he hated him and care for my mother...and the children my mother gave birth to...I truly believe she cared for us...but my father hated his child from her and from he hated the children from my mother and the children he had by other women while married to my mother

...the last days...of my mother life was a sad moment in human history she saw this man for what he was and wanted to leave but did know how...she was weak in obtaining information about her rights ...my father had at least 3 children by other woman during his marriage to my mommy...the last few days of her life he harassed her and had his other women call the hospital and harassed her while she was there...women called and told her...:( that they had just given birth to little girls...after the phone conversation...my went into a coma and died ...he cried not a tear...he was with this woman for 18 years and cared not a thing about her:mad: ...still the children feeling the lost of our mother tried to care about this man that had left us without financial or emotional care...my mother never denied him visitation...she never allowed us to disrespect him...after all she would say he is our father...but there was something she understood about me...I will never let this man take advantage of her children ...if I could help it...he refused to sign some paper work so I would go to college he said he need to take me off his taxes...understand this point ...I ... sent letters to three universities and had one face to face interview and was accepted by these schools...he refused to sign the paperwork for student loans and scholarships...he had too many children to take care for...he would say is his reasoning...I had to wait a few years before I was able to inter college...on my own...sad...I remember setting on the back steps of my aunts apartment building crying...saying all that hard work...going down the drain...I needed a weather coat and bus fare and food allowance...and no one wanted to help...that knew my situation...my father wanted me to take care of his children...I said H-e-double- tooth- picks no...he proceeded to bad mouth me to the family...years later I married and went to college...this man my father asked my husband to co-sign for a loan...I left the answer to my husband and he said yes...the man defaulted on the loan...I asked him why...he said you’re the fool to allow it in the first place...I am the fool ...after my father defaulted on this loan then more nasty came loose...he married a woman to take care of children ...for the welfare department was coming...the neighbors and I got together for the sake of the children...in order not to be perceived as a heartless, cruel dog of man...he married some woman off the streets to take care of his children...nasty...she murder her husband and did time...there were 4 children at the house under the 16 that needed to be taken care of...this was the best he could do...the other women I am not sure why he did not ask the other women that had his children...but this woman had not children and was able to conceive children...may be the other woman did not want to marry him until the children that were left ...leave...but this low life ...she abused his children... and I warned him...to take care of my mother's children...he didn't want them...I was not told of this abuse ...until later a few years later...I asked why haven’t this information been given to me ( a nice way of I was not happy about the response)...well let me stop short of what I said but, the answer ended ...the abused child said ...Her big sister would have killed the woman had she told... I am the big sister...me...I am now the horrible sister that did not come to her rec use...I would go to the post office and have an argument with his follower...nasty...he would tell my in-laws he never wanted me in the first place...I paid for my sister’s wedding...my sister asked him and he said if I was paying for anything...consider it from him too...what was that...nasty...my sister cried but still gave him a table at head to wedding ...I sat to side...for peace...no...I truly hate this man...he would tell my children that they were spoiled brats...but would call them when he needed to show how great of man he is to others...side stepping me...for every one knew...how much I hated this man...I told my children they will have the opportunity to see this man for what he is...my son hates becasue I do...my daughter had to find it out on her own...her last visit with this man was her last...she came back and sad how sad of man and children...he knew nothing about us...she would say...I hope she keeps away from Satan supporter...he is a horrible man...he laughs at the misery of his children...and tries to break up the marriages of his children...he working on my brothers...he was successful with the second oldest child...the others are confused...one even told me to forgive this man...this man support the hostile actions that caused my mother death...and will dismiss you...oh yeah he did dismiss him...ask him the names of his grand children ...he knows not...he treated me as I am the problem child of the century...he even hit me for being overweight and I was in the thirties at time...he said...my husband doesn’t want me because I am fat...my mommy was shaped like the old fashioned cola bottles...she had a wow mama shape...you looked good shaped and had six children wow...he cheated with fat ugly woman that were underage...I get beat up because of I am fat...his murder wife told him to beat me...I needed to be put in my place...so he hit and choked me...I beat the mess out of that man...oh by the way she said she did think I would hit back...she was shocked...I told her...I would kill that man ...if he places a hand on me again ...and he better not touch or have some one hurt any member of my family for his actions...Oh by the way my father told my mother years ago...when I was about 8 or 10 that he had beat a man down that won some money gambling and took his money...I was scared of this man...and I believe that was when I began to think differently of this man...no man touches me...never...my mother told him never to touch her daughters...my grand mother disliked this man period...so he knew better...again...I am the hard to handle child because I am fat....according to him...you can’t tell fat women what to do...they got a mind of their own...women according to him are place into this final segment “a Harlot would be treated better than a wife” the word harlot is use in place of the wh***...you think you got it bad...no...I have no problem in keeping some one so horrible away from me...consider the action of your mother like that of a horrible person.... you should keep away from the drama...do so...she would need you before you will ever need her...be good to your self...you do not have to say a thing to your parent...your actions will speak better than your words...do you have any children?...teach them to be kind people...but keep your children from this type of environment...for it will effect you later...I am talking from experience...the element will become nasty towards you and will undermine any good efforts on your part towards yourself...if you continue to keep your children involved with this person ...your children will turn on you...you will become the enemy...keep yourself free from this element...I know it's hard...you prefer to have a mother’s love...but it is not to be ...for now...question is your father your biological father? ...and he turning against you...that is what happens when jealousy and self hatred visits your life...all that is deceit will turn to nasty...
This was therapy for me...I am over 50...the pain will go away...when you know...that you are in the right...and the wrong will be taken care of...wish them well... and keep your home safe...and you will be able to give advice like this to help someone else...

Don't feel bad about any situation I think as we get older and wiser we can see the mistakes that our parents made as we begun to grow develop on our on we are not perfect human beings but we all have brains to use them we all think differently but we should all learn to appreciate each other we don't seem to do that anymore so we resort to what makes us feel content. Be content with yourself god knows you for who you are your parents brought you here but god gaveyou life and I am living enough to know I am stronger and will remain strong until god takes me parents are not perfect children are not perfect but be perfect for yourself that's all that matters and you will see you will win the battle love yourself take care of yourself the more you do that the less hurt and pain you will feel just as long as you do the right thing.

Your internet brother
Dewey ( bedford12)

My mom hates and treats me differently from her other kids, she always shouts at me and all. SHe also shows how much she loves her other kids, she hugs them all the time, and kisses them, while she never hugged, and she never said she loved me. Once, while we were in a fight she even said that she doesn't need me in her Life. HOwever she buys to me whatever I want. But this doesn't buy love
Does anybody have any advice of what do to.
If you are thinking of talking to her this really is not possible

I'm going through the same problem with my mother. This woman hates me for no reason. I'm 33 and the oldest of four. My mom has three girls and one boy. My parents have been together for 34 years and separated for 12 years. During the first year of the separation I was verbally abused by my father. He had an affair and my mom found out. She left him and he blamed me. He said I could have made her stay with him if I was on his side. At the time I was only 20. I was a college student and I had a full time job. He called me terrible names and subjected me to other various insults. My mother didn't do anything. She would leave our house and go to my grandmothers house so he wouldn't bother her. She never stood up for me or told him to leave me alone. Now I'm 33 and she treats me like dirt. She doesn't answer her phone when I call or return my phone calls. She never calls me to see how I'm doing or if I'm even alive. I went to college. I have a great fiancée and a great job but she always talk about how proud she is of my alcoholic brother who hasn't worked in years and still lives at home. On the rare occasion when she do call me its always" I need a favor". So I don't call her or go to her house. I don't deal with her at all. I see my siblings and their kids all the time. My dad and I have worked out our problems and have a much better relationship. I know my mother is jeolous of my life. She is a high school drop out, constantly stuck in dead jobs, and a failed marriage. I used to cry all the time and wonder what I did to deserve her hate. But I know now that its not me, its her. I'm not giving her power over my life by being sad and depressed. If she hates me, well that's her problem. I'm a great woman, I am loving and caring despite how she has treated me. Its hard to deal with this but at some point you have to let go. It's not your fault.

I am in the same position as yourself.my mother never showed me any love. Fortunately I had an aunt lived with us and she mothered me.I don't know where I would have been if I hadn't had her. She's dead now. My mum blames me for spoiling her carear. I didn't ask to be born. To cut a long story short. My mum hasn't bothered with me for three years now.I still send her mothers day cards birthday cards etc. she has now turned my own daughter against me. I told her in a letter that I was worried about my daughter as I thought she was suffering from post natel depression as she had a baby almost 10 months ago now.. I ask her not to tell my daughter what I had told her.what did my mother do? She rng my daughter told to call with her and gave her the letter to read. I never said anything bad about my daughter just that I was worried about her and that I loved her. My daughter now is being very nasty with me and won't let me see my grad child. I was always very close to my daughter but my mum has put stop to that.im afraid that's the final blow for me no more cards etc.I just couldn't believe that she would stoop so low.by the way my mum has just turned 80 a very fit active woman but I would go as far as to say that there's an evelness with her.I cry myself to sleep every night and to be honest I just can't tak much more

I do not believe that you CAN get over it. I have tried and tried and still cannot get over the fact that my own mother does not love me. I think that no one can love me if my own mother cannot. I had a brother who was also abused like I was (but not hated), but now he is dead (suicide). He was the only one who knew my story and understood. Now, our family history has been re-written by my mother and my sister (who is the favorite and only beat once and she contacted Child Protective Services!). Now there was no abuse (verbal or physical) and "(You/I) only remember the bad things." This mother of mine also has said that I tried to get the my brother and sister against her... when I was only trying to protect them and not have her treat them like she does me. It worked, but made her hate me even more. I am interested in whether you read the suggested book and if it helped. I cannot seem to get rid of the hateful words she has said to me, or get the images of being beat out of my head... it's like a video in my head that won't stop! I can still remember the first hit that drew blood and how ashamed and embarrassed I was to be hit in public, and how no adults stopped her so it must have been my fault and that I must deserve it... I just don't understand what I could have done... I did love my mother up until a few years ago. I even spent my first paycheck on a beautiful silk dress for her (that she never wore). I am like the Simon & Garfunkel Song, "I Am A Rock," but I know that is not a healthy way to exist.